Letter of the Week
I first started communicating with Marty Beckerman through the NetWits, an e-mail group of comedy writers. He was a teenager in Alaska who had somehow convinced the Anchorage Daily News to print a regular column, and I gave him my sage advice when he got in trouble, trying to help him navigate his way through the hazardous editorial process. A lot of good it did him. He got fired, moved to Washington D.C. to go to college, self-published a book of his columns called Death to All Cheerleaders, and continued to write amazing indictments of his generation that displayed a lot of raw talent.
The good news is his new book, Generation S.L.U.T.: A Brutal Feel-up Session with Today's Sex-Crazed Adolescent Populace, has just been published by MTV. The bad news is the sissypants aren't promoting it because they've been scared off by the FCC. Fuck 'em. Anybody who's already been labeled "the Jewish anti-Christ" with a website devoted to boycotting his work can't be all bad, so I must insist you buy his book immediately.
Here's what I wrote him after finishing it.
Dear Marty,
The very first commercially available birth control pills hit the market in 1960. Before that, birth control was pretty much hit or miss, so you can mark right down in your calendar the exact year that women everywhere were suddenly relieved of the bothersome connection between sex and childbirth and were able to just start screwing their brains out. It was such a new and amazing thing that it took the world by storm, this ability of females to enjoy sex as a mere fun thing to do rather than a means to procreate, and it took until 1968 for the backlash to start when the Pope came out against contraception. For millions of American beatnik/hippies, those eight years from 1960 to 1968 were a tsunami of guilt-free fucking.
I got in at the tail end of it, turning 18 in 1969. There were plenty of non-Catholic girls around who didn't give a fuck what the Pope said, and I quickly learned that if you wanted to get laid and you had long hair, a joint, and a guitar, all you had to do was stick out your thumb.
All that fucking was mirrored in the predominant slogan of the day, "Make Love, Not War," which turned each sex act into a political statement. We weren't just fucking because it felt good, we were fucking against the war in Vietnam, against every aspect of the establishment, against the oppressors, against Johnson, against lounge music, against anyone over 30. We went to peace marches and love-ins where we did group hugs without embarrassment, where the point was to show the world a new way of being in which we all loved each other and made love to each other instead of hating each other and killing each other. We were fucking for rock 'n' roll, for freedom, for the right to do, consume, dance, shout, or behave in any manner that we felt was appropriate as long as we didn't hurt anybody. We were fucking to live and we wanted to do it forever because we were sure the future was ours because those old bastards who sought to control us were sure to die off, leaving the world to us, to the living, to the lovers, and we would all fuck each other instead of killing each other and we'd live in peace for the rest of eternity, hand in hand, cock in cunt, we knew it would happen, we were going to change the world.
The death of that dream wasn't nearly as dramatic as the death of communism or the tearing down of the Berlin Wall. It happened so gradually that no one noticed; piece by piece, it just drifted away as reality set in. There was no way to rid the world of fuckwads in pursuit of power. The only way to fight them was to pursue power, in which case you became a fuckwad yourself. The bad guys control the world and there's nothing anyone can do about it. As the Illuminati's grand plan became apparent, my generation decided to just settle in, make as much money as we could, and enjoy our individual prison cells in as much luxury as we could afford, no matter how far we had bend over and say "Thank you sir, may I have another?"
Not me. I'm unapologetic about my behavior or rationale in the 60s. Unlike Kerry, who just apologized for calling his actions in Vietnam "atrocities" in 1971 in front of Congress, I unhesitatingly define all actions against a civilian population, whether local or overseas, as atrocities. And I still think that making love is a hell of lot better for mankind than making war.
So do you, but boy has the context changed. "Making love" isn't a phrase you use much. According to you, there's so much fucking going on that NOT fucking is the only means of protest.
When the people in Generation S.L.U.T fuck, it's either to scratch a bunny itch, to satisfy societal pressure, or to humiliate each other. Not that these are always bad things. Scratching itches and bowing to society's pressures are pretty benign, but humiliating people is just plain wrong unless the victim deserves to be humiliated. In Generation S.L.U.T., the only reason females are humiliated is because they're females, as though there were something WRONG with being female.
I can't think of anything I've read lately that's more horrifying than your quote about the "rodeo: largely a term related to a fraternity practice in which the male is having intercourse with a woman doggie-style, says something intended to offend her immensely and then grabs her hair while trying to maintain penetration with his penis for eight seconds before she can 'buck him off.'" It's the exact opposite of "making love."
I understand that you are not responsible for this practice, which I find reprehensible, but I also understand the outrage women feel after reading you, because the attitude of the quotes from your generation rubs off on the rest of the text. Such women are just blaming the messenger, aren't they? You're just "reporting" the behavior of your generation, right? Even though you're very much a part of your own generation, even though you're a product of the same value system, even though you're capable of explaining those values as accurately as anyone ever has, even though you describe a horrible rape we're obviously not supposed to enjoy, when the character in the book who seems to be "you" calls women bitches and whores, that's not really "you" but a fictional Hunter Thompsonesque exaggeration of you, right? I assume so but others might not. That's what you get when you constantly cross the line between fact and fiction. How do we know when you're serious? How dare you allow us the luxury of drawing our own conclusions.
I thought AIDS brought an end to guilt-free fucking till I read your book. When we fucked a stranger in the 60s, there wasn't a chance in hell we'd die from it unless their gun-toting mate popped in while we were doing it, and even then the chances were they'd just say "groovy" and join us. The 60s contained an outbreak of sexual socialism, in which all orgasms were distributed equally throughout the world, from each according to their ability, and to each according to their need.
Your book puts forth the argument that the decade starting at 2001 should indeed be referred to as The Naughties. You celebrate naughty behavior, and you preach by example rather than explaining yourself, which is very smart. Like Hemingway said, "If a writer of prose knows enough about what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them. The dignity of movement of an iceberg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water."
I understand that Janet Jackson's boob has caused the FCC to clamp down on naughty behavior, and so the publishers of your book, MTV, aren't giving it the send-off it deserves. Do not let this depress you. You've got WAY better things ahead. If more printings don't seem likely in the immediate future, use this opportunity to buy up as many copies of Generation S.L.U.T. as you can get your hands on, stash them away, and give them out as calling cards for the rest of your life. When your third or fourth book hits the charts, first editions of Generation S.L.U.T. will be worth a fortune and you'll have them all. Speaking of which, why didn't you sign my copy, you fuck.
I don't think your book is aimed at the MTV crowd anyway. They already know all this shit. I tried to get my 16-year-old drug-addled suicidal son to read your book and he couldn't care less. Your book is aimed at people trying to understand the MTV crowd, and for that it's a mandatory text.
Generation S.L.U.T., as entertaining and informative as it is, is also the most nihilistic I've ever read. From Merriam-Webster: nihilism - "1 a: a viewpoint that traditional values and beliefs are unfounded and that existence is senseless and useless b: a doctrine that denies any objective ground of truth and especially of moral truths." This applies not just to the subject matter of Generation S.L.U.T. but to your writing style as well. You find it senseless and useless to provide us with some of the bare necessities we've learned to expect from a book, such as descriptions of characters as they enter. Throwing out a brand name of an article of clothing they're wearing without describing the product is totally useless to those of us who not only don't pay attention to fashion but think that the schmucks who make their living out of designing decorations for anorexic models, clothing that 99.99% of the human race wouldn't consider wearing in a million years, should all get anal cancer and die screaming. Give us a hint of what your people look like or they all become a blur and we don't know who's who. Unless that's the point, in which case fuck you.
Don't mistake this for criticism. It is all high praise. The book's a remarkable achievement, the best history book of the year, and I'm quite sure that future scholars trying to dig up the facts about life at the turn of the century will turn to Generation S.L.U.T. Let me observe that defying my expectations is a good thing to do, and writing a book about nihilism in an aggressively nihilistic manner is certainly the right way to do it.
But then, oh then, we get to Merriam-Webster's next definition of nihilism - "2 a (1): a doctrine or belief that conditions in the social organization are so bad as to make destruction desirable for its own sake independent of any constructive program or possibility." Considering all the talk of suicide that your generation seems to be wallowing in, this definition seems to apply too. There's an overbearing sense of doom throughout the book, as though absolutely nothing matters, Armageddon's around the corner, live fast, die young, enjoy your bodies while you've got 'em, then end it all.
It's obviously not an accident that the biggest asshole in your book is also the most successful. In your strangely self-indulgent way, you're warning yourself about the perils of success. The fact that Paul McCartney is more impressed by meeting him than he is impressed by meeting Paul McCartney is not only funny but precisely the sort of exaggeration that makes the book a challenge to read. You keep throwing things at us that we know can't be true, then backing them up with quotes or statistics that are even worse.
Of course if you capitalize nihilism, it becomes Nihilism, which is "the program of a 19th century Russian party advocating revolutionary reform and using terrorism and assassination." That does seem to be the next step in your generation's journey, if a grass roots terrorist organization can grow out of keg parties and blowjobs. Call them Okayda, as in Okayda fuck and Okayda drink.
Sorry to bore you with a history lesson but I can't help but compare my teenage years with yours, to imagine the book about sex in my time that I would have written when I was 20 - had I had any inkling I had skill as a writer. (I didn't start writing till I was 30.) I would have done what you did. I would have combined fact and fiction, personal and political, mixing it all with a sense of humor and outrage, using quotes and charts and cartoons and statistics and, hey, wait a minute, that's what I do each week in Disinfotainment Today! Hmmm.
Anyway, I doubt I would have had the tenacity to dig up all those quotes, a much more tedious task in the pre-Internet days. The sex would have been pretty much the same, this way, that way, in and out, sex itself hasn't changed. Man, I congratulate you. You hit each target.
On 60 Minutes II this week, Bill Giest said "This Earth Day has me wondering. Did my generation really mean all that stuff back in the 60s about world peace and saving the planet or was it just a good way to meet chicks?" The answer for most yuppie bastards is the latter as they chug away in their SUVs. I look at them and ask myself if they're happier than I am, and I look at Generation S.L.U.T. and ask myself if I was that depraved when I was 18. Probably, but I didn't have the guts to admit it.
I hesitate to tell you how good I think your book is because anyone who decides to become the voice of their generation has got to already have an ego the size of Everest. I can imagine a girlfriend who thinks that feeding your sense of self-worth is just the wrong thing to do. You've written a tribute to the unalterable power of passion, self-knowledge, and truth in its many forms. Words, man. Words are all it takes and we can bring the bastards down.
MD
"A million women and their supporters demonstrated for women's rights. Organizers put the crowd size at 1.15 million, which would make it the largest demonstration in Washington in US history."
"Nearly a million people from more than 60 countries flooded Washington, DC Sunday"
"Hundreds of thousands rally for abortion rights"
"Thousands rally in Washington for women's right to abortions"
"Whoopi Goldberg Talks to Herself"
Letter #2
MD,
Nothing worries me more than the possibility of reinstituting the draft. I have two sons, and I will not let them be dragged away to die to preserve our oil supply and keep the global corporations in a profitable position. They keep saying we are at war, but we are not at war. We are allowing our military to be used to seize the assets of other countries. If there were a country out there about to invade us or invade other countries and impose their moral, economic and political systems upon a free people, then we would have a moral responsibility to defend others, and if a draft was needed to stave off this threat, then my sons would do their duty.
But we are the invaders! We are the ones trying to impose our moral, economic and political system on others. We may be fighting, but it isn't a war.
Yes, our military is overstretched, but it is overstretched doing things that shouldn't be done in the first place. Before we institute a draft to cover our butts in Iraq, we have to make full use of the UN, and that means handing over control to a multinational force. If the UN can't control Iraq, then maybe a draft is needed.
In any case, there is a way to defeat terrorism, and I'd be more than happy to send my sons to fight that battle. When we end our dependence on foreign oil, we won't have Middle Eastern terrorists attacking us. They don't hate us because we're free. They hate us because we're there.
Jeff Crook
Movie of the Week
Tonight, Monday, April 26,
at midnight PST on the Lifetime Channel
The tacky MOW about me and my son.
When I was 16, I expressed to my mother that I didn't want to go to Vietnam. "Don't worry," she said, "the war will be over by the time you're 18." Need I point out that I turned 18 in 1969, which just happened to be the year of the biggest draft in United States history?
So I'm with Jeff. My son will turn 18 next year and he would make as good a soldier as I would have.
Save the REAL bachelor's baby. You know who to vote for, even though...
Uh-Oh
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry received communion from a Catholic priest Saturday, one day after a top Vatican cardinal said politicians who support abortion rights should be denied the Eucharist.
Kerry's been on every talk show and news program saying he did NOT throw away his service medals in protest of the Vietnam war at an anti-war rally in the 60s, despite actual footage of him throwing something away, and that it's all part of the Bush campaign against him. Need I point out that all he has to do is show the goddam medals to prove he didn't throw them away.
Song of the Week
Sung to the tune of The Battle Hymn of the Republic
From the Muslims of Fallujah to the Shiites of Najaf
We will kill those dumb Iraqis till we cut their troops in half
What, do I have to do everything for you? Finish it yourself.
Mr. Conspiracy Says
First of all, a lot of people pointed out that the magnified segment of the signature line on a check that I printed last week contained the words "authorized" and "signature." I knew that, which is why I picked that particular segment instead of other incomprehensible parts of the line which contain some sort of arcane code. That segment was approximately 1/1000 of the line and damned if I'm going to go through the whole thing. What does the rest of it say and why is it there? Aside from authorizing withdrawal of funds from our accounts, is there any other right we're unintentionally giving away? We've certainly learned by now that if they CAN do it, they DO do it. Is there a dark purpose? That's what Mr. Conspiracy wants to know. Is the ALL CAPS version of our name a "legal fiction" and does the government refuse to enter into any contract with you through the use of your "true and Proper name"? Those are the questions that haven't been answered.
I'd like to point out that the earth is like a raw egg, a thin solid shell coating a liquid center. Tap an egg on one side and a ripple flows through the liquid, inevitably exerting some sort of pressure on the opposite side. All our bombs are exerting a hell of lot of pressure in Iraq. Meanwhile, on the exact opposite side of earth, Yellowstone National Park is on the verge of erupting. So now you've got something to say the next time someone asks you why you're against the war in Iraq. Save Yogi and Boo Boo.
Don't Take My Word For It
"Everyone agrees that President George Bush's lobotomy has been a tremendous success.
"Dick Cheney, the vice-president, declared that he was fully satisfied with it from his point of view.
"'Without the lobotomy,' Mr. Cheney told the American Academy of Neurology, 'it might have proved difficult to persuade the president to start wars all around the world without any good pretext. But the removal of those parts of the brain associated with understanding the outcome of one's actions has enabled the president to function fully and without hesitation. Even when it is clear that disaster is around the corner, as it is currently in Iraq, the chief executive is able to go on TV and announce that everything is on course and that he has no intention of changing tactics that have already proved disastrous.'"
- Terry Jones: Invade Iraq? It's a no brainer -
"The answers are always inside the problem, not outside."
- Marshall McLuhan -
"[W]hatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way. Why, when a housefly flaps his wings, a breeze goes around the world, when a speck of dust falls to the ground, the entire planet weighs a little more, and when you stamp your foot, the earth moves slightly off its course. Whenever you laugh, gladness spreads like the ripples in a pond; and whenever you're sad, no one anywhere can be really happy. And it's the same thing with knowledge, for whenever you learn something new, the whole world becomes that much richer."
- the Princess of Pure Reason: Norton Juster's The Phantom Tollbooth -
"Do not forget that within you the divine light is shining in its full glory and that you can have a direct experience of it. It is the divine light which is the supreme Truth. It lives within you."
- Swami Muktananda -
"Did the World Trade Center towers undergo a deliberate power-down on the weekend prior to the 9-11 terrorist attacks? According to Scott Forbes, a senior database administrator for Fiduciary Trust, Inc. a high-net investment bank which was later acquired by Franklin Templeton, this is precisely what took place. Forbes, who was hired by Fiduciary in 1999 and is now stationed at a U.K. branch office, was working on the weekend of September 8-9, 2001, and said that his company was given three weeks advance notice that New York's Port Authority would take out power in the South Tower from the 48th floor up. The reason: the Port Authority was performing a cabling upgrade to increase the WTCs computer bandwidth.
"Forbes stated that Fiduciary Trust was one of the WTCs first occupants after it was erected, and that a power-down had never been initiated prior to this occasion. He also stated that his company put forth a huge investment in time and resources to take down their computer systems due to the deliberate power outage. This process, Forbes recalled, began early Saturday morning (September 8th) and continued until mid-Sunday afternoon (September 9th) approximately 30 hours. As a result of having its electricity cut, the WTCs security cameras were rendered inoperative, as were its I.D. systems, and elevators to the upper floors."
"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters."
- Frank Lloyd Wright -
"Every day our exposed military remains in war-torn Iraq, we imperil U.S. security, drain our economy, ignore urgent domestic needs and prevent Iraqi democratic self-rule. We need to announce a withdrawal of our troops, not increase them."
"If the election were held now, Newsweek tells us, John Kerry would defeat George W. Bush by a seven-point margin. True, a lot can and will happen between now and November. But time is running out for the Republicans. It's virtually impossible to imagine the bloodshed in Iraq easing enough to save Bush's steal-the-world wackos from joining the growing legions of the unemployed. Even if Islamist terrorists attack us again--Al Qaeda wants Bush to win because his wars are their recruitment tool--a Kerry victory has become a genuine possibility."
"All your freedoms, all the time."
"I think this may be the only candidacy in our memory that is opposed overwhelmingly by people who agree with us on the issues."
- Ralph Nader on Meet the Press -
"I can't run but I can walk much faster than this."
- Paul Simon -
"The painful warrior famoused for fight,
After a thousand victories once foil'd,
Is from the book of honour razed quite,
And all the rest forgot for which he toil'd:
Then happy I, that love and am beloved
Where I may not remove nor be removed."
- William Shakespeare: Sonnet 25 -
"Let us give this capital back to the people to whom it belongs."
- William Jefferson Clinton's Inaugural Presidential Address -
"Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art."
- Charles McCabe -
"I don't think there's anything man wasn't meant to know. There are just
some stupid things that people shouldn't do."
- David Cronenberg -
"I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked five 2s."
- George Carlin -
"Through His ministry and sacrifice, Jesus demonstrated God's unconditional love for us. He taught us the importance of helping others and loving our neighbors. His selfless devotion and mercy provide a remarkable example for all of us."
- 
-
"WAR, n. A time-tested political tactic guaranteed to raise a president's popularity rating by at least 30 points. It is especially useful during election years and economic downturns."
- Chaz Bufe: American Heretic's Dictionary -
"So through the night rode Paul Revere;
And so through the night went his cry of alarm
To every Middlesex village and farm,---
A cry of defiance, and not of fear,
A voice in the darkness, a knock at the door,
And a word that shall echo for evermore!
For, borne on the night-wind of the Past,
Through all our history, to the last,
In the hour of darkness and peril and need,
The people will waken and listen to hear
The hurrying hoof-beats of that steed,
And the midnight message of Paul Revere."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: Paul Revere's Ride -
"Instead of proposing higher fuel efficiency standards or conservation measures to deal with high gas prices, the Wall Street Journal reports that the Bush Administration is meeting with oil executives to consider a plan to reduce pollution standards for gasoline. The plan, which would permit more dangerous sulfur toxins in the air, would cut only a nickel off the price of a gallon of gas - and not in every market. Meanwhile, sulfur levels in the air would be permitted to rise, increasing smog and potentially raising the incidence of serious health problems. The EPA notes that sulfur has been associated with serious respiratory illness and asthma while also aggravating existing cardiovascular diseases"
"Knowledge has an important property. When you give it away, you don't lose it."
- Raj Reddy -
"Without fools the rest of us could not succeed."
- Mark Twain -
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."
- e.e. cummings -
"If the misery of our poor be caused not by laws of nature, but by our institutions, great is our sin."
- Charles Darwin: Voyage of the Beagle -
"The lion and the lamb may lie down together, but the lamb won't get much sleep."
- Woody Allen -
"Don't ever think you know what's right for the other guy. He might start thinking he knows what's right for you."
- Paul Williams -
"There's something to be said for relatives. It has to be said because it's unprintable."
- Albert Einstein -
"Better to have one freedom too many than to have one freedom too few."
"Can you see me, are you near me? Can you hear me crying out for life? Can you tell me, where's the glory?"
- Black Sabbath -
"Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space."
- Xarvon, alien investigator -
"The real work of men was hunting meat. The invention of agriculture was a giant step in the wrong direction, leading to serfdom, cities, and empire. From a race of hunters, artists, warriors, and tamers of horses, we degraded ourselves to what we are now: clerks, functionaries, laborers, entertainers, processors of information."
- Edward Abbey -
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying. Take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
- Rear Admiral Grace M. Hopper -
- John F. Kennedy -
Novelist Kurt Vonnegut and his wife photographer Jill Krementz arrives to the opening of the Broadway revival of 'A Raisin in the Sun' Monday, April 26, 2004, in New York.
Photo by Diane Bondareff
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Anti-war protestors demonstrate beneath a statue of Sir Winston Churchill Monday, April 26, 2004, at Westminster College in Fulton, Mo. Vice President Dick Cheney later spoke in the gymnasium where Churchill delivered his 'Iron Curtain' address in 1946. The statue and section of the Berlin Wall in the background are part of a memorial to Churchill.
Photo by Kelley McCall
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Edouard Manet's 'Racing Scene,' shown here, will be offered for sale by Sotheby's auction house in New York on May 5, 2004. The 1872 painting is estimated to sell for between $20 and $30 million. It is the property of the Greetree Foundation from the collection of Mr. and Mrs. John Hay Whitney.
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A 2,500-year-old newly discovered Ptolemaic sarcophagus and a mummy lie in a tomb April 26, 2004. A French archaeological team discovered the tomb, one of several, near the 4,800-year-old step pyramid of Sakkara.
Photo by Aladin Abdel Naby
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A female koala named Amaroo, left, cuddles her 8-month-old son named, Kaiyu, at the San Diego Zoo Monday, April 26, 2004, in San Diego. Amaroo and Kaiyu share their zoo habitat with three other koala kid and mom pairs. The zoo is home to approximately 70 koalas.
Photo by Ken Bohn
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Some newspapers see what isn't and say "why."
Disinfotainment Today sees what is and says "Oi vey."
Issue #102
is brought to you by
Our Porn Czar
