Wednesday

''AN ELF'S TALE''

by Lo Phat Ham

Well, it's Christmas time, no matter which way you spell it.
And I've got a story so I'm gonna tell it.
It probably isn't a tale that you've heard.
'cuz Santa told all of us, "Don't say a word!"

But I'm getting' old and I'm almost retired.
Still, if Santa hears 'bout this I'll surely be fired.
But, what the hell, he threatens that all the time
So, here is my story spelled out in this rhyme.

I work in the barn sweeping up reindeer poo.
(It's a smelly ass job when you're just three foot two)
The reindeer were outside, so my job was easy...
Except for the smell (which was making me queasy).

Santa barged in, he was drunk and he reeked.
He said, "Two days 'til Christmas and my reindeer are tweaked!"
His eyes burned like fire and I thought to myself
Boy! Santa's sure pissed! - as he told this old elf...

"Dasher is missing, and Dancer is too.
Prancer is pukin' and down with the flu.
Vixen, the pervert, is off somewhere ballin'
And Comet lost one of his antlers while brawlin'"

"Cupid's in rehab... still tryin' to dry out.
Donner was smokin' and burned off his snout.
Blitzen's exploring his 'feminine side'!"
Then Santa just fell to his knees and he cried.

"But what about Rudolph?" I meekly inquired.
"He's trippin' on acid", moaned Santa. "He's wired."
"Besides, his wife hit him... no doubt they were bickerin'
now his nose won't light up right... it's just kinda flickerin'."

Santa wailed, "Why am I cursed with this crap?!"
Then he puked up a gallon of 'Nog in his lap.
He coughed and he belched and he finally said,
"It's all in your hands now... I'm goin' to bed."

His beard was all slimy and clotted with gore
as he rose to his feet and he reeled out the door.
I looked for a bucket to clean up the vomit,
when in through the door walked a one-antlered Comet.

His head was atilt from the antler he lacked
He was missing a tooth and one hoof was cracked.
I said, "You're obviously under the weather,
but we've got to get all the reindeer together."

"Santa has put me in charge of the show.
So we'd better get crackin'... just two days to go!"
Comet was pissed, but he mumbled, "Let's do it."
So we worked out a plan and then got right down to it.

We found Donner at home... his nose burned to a crisp.
"Two days? I'll be ready." He said with a lisp.
Cupid walked up and he didn't look pretty.
He said, "Well, I'm sober, but... Boy! I feel shitty!"

The four of us trudged through the cold, snowy night
to Prancer's place, just two doors down... on the right.
He opened the door and the smell wafted out
And Comet and Donner backed up with a shout.

"Damn! Prancer, it smells like you puked up a turd!"
Prancer just muttered and flipped them the bird.
(which was really quite hard, since he didn't have fingers)
He explained, "I just barfed and the smell really lingers."

We bundled up Prancer and continued our quest
Slowly but surely, we'd round up the rest.
Then what to our wondering eyes did appear
But Dasher and Dancer - the two reindeer queers.

We fought to control it... but try as we may
we all started laughing (they're really quite gay)
Dancer and Dasher cried, "Heavens above!
We can't wait to tell you - We're so much in love!"

The seven of us then made our way down the road
finally coming to Vixen's abode.
We heard the faint sounds of kissin' and neckin'
It seemed Vixen and someone were inside a-feckin'

At the sound of our knock the noise suddenly stopped.
The door was yanked open and out Vixen popped.
Then Blitzen came out, with a stare really menacin'...
asking, "Who's interrupting me getting some venison?"

Dancer and Dasher prodigiously dangled
while imagining Vixen and Blitzen entangled
I then put an end to their lewd reverie
by shouting, "There's Rudolph! Come on! Follow me!"

As I ran towards the deer with the flickerin' schnoz
I saw he was talking with ole Santa Claus
Santa was pissed and he held up his hand
as I slid to a stop with my motley band.

"I'm tired of your shit!" Santa roared. "You're all fired!"
"Rudolph agrees and we both just retired.
Go back to your homes and I'll mail you your checks.
The presents will all be delivered Fed-Ex."

We stood there in shock not believing our ears
Lips all a-wobblin' and fighting the tears.
Santa turned on his heel and walked back to his shack,
where the missus rubbed Tannen Balm on his sore back.

The next day he sold the whole workshop and bailed.
The reindeer disbanded, the elves were all jailed.
Donald Trump bought the business and now he's my neighbor
and your toys are now all made with Asian slave labor.


I'm just sleighin'...

Lo Phat Ham