Bartcop Entertainment - Wednesday, 20 August, 2003

Issue #67

Part Two
is brought to you by

The Tobacco Industry

Gun Control

At a market in Tikrit, a group of Iraqi men openly and peacefully set out their guns for sale in a public square, just as they'd always been allowed to do under the regime of Saddam Hussein, and a normal part of Iraqi life. When prospective buyers approached the sellers, U.S. snipers opened fire and killed two of the men and wounded several others.

"If anyone wants to know how U.S. officials would conduct themselves in America without constitutional restraints, just watch what they're doing in Iraq, where they are exercising omnipotent, dictatorial powers - no constitutional constraints whatsoever."

A newly formed citizen's group based in Missouri has threatened to raise an "army" of volunteers to bring to the U.S. southwest border in Arizona in a bid to shut down illegal immigration from Mexico.

Want to prevent something like the east coast electrical disaster from ever happening to you? It's simple. Get out your checkbook and Get Off the Grid! Here too.

Satan Doesn't Want You to Know

Activism of the Week

Private Rhonda Hazley asks for your assistance. She refused to take the anthrax vaccine due to religious objections and the fact she is currently breastfeeding her baby. She has been court-martialed by the military at Ft. Drum.

Please send a fax to Major General Hagenbeck Commander, 10th Mountain Division Ft. Drum, NY. 13602 (Fax Number: 315-772-5165). Please request that he give Private Hazley an Honorable Discharge. She served honorably and deserves this from our military.

Please email public affairs at: afzs-pao@drum.army.mil or pao@drum.army.mil

Chaplain's office: AFZS-gch@drum.army.mil

Inspector General's office: afzs-ig@drum.army.mil

For more information on how the anthrax vaccine is affecting the military, go here.

James C. Moore, who voted for Bush in 2000, begs your forgiveness.

Compassionate Conservatism

The Bush administration plans to propose major cuts in Medicare payments for cancer drugs.

Unless Congress and President Bush take quick action when Congress returns after Labor Day, the uniformed Americans in Iraq and the 9,000 in Afghanistan will lose a pay increase approved last April of $75 a month in "imminent danger pay" and $150 a month in "family separation allowances."

Totally Wacko New-World-Order Site of the Week

(unless it's all true)

According to this site, the War in Iraq is just part of a bigger plan to increase Israel's borders.

The 100 cases of pneumonia suffered by our soldiers in Iraq were caused by...

a) Industrial pollution (says MSNBC)

b) Bad anthrax vaccines (says Matt Drudge)

c) Our own depleted uranium (says Disinfotainment Today)

Monologue from Heaven

Hi! Hello! How are you?! his is Bob "Dearly Departed" Hope live from Heaven.

I know it's Heaven because I just played golf the other day and shot an 18! Again! Actually, I was playing with Moses, which was very surreal. Every time he hit his ball in the water hazard, he just parted the waves and played it as it lay.

I know it's Heaven because Jack Benny can actually play his violin! Jack is a recent arrival to Heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told him he couldn't bring it with him. So, Jack told him to give him some time to think it over.

I know it's Heaven because I just saw Hedy Lamar. And she was naked! Naked! Of course, since this is Heaven, she saw me fully clothed.

Don't worry, Dolores! I'm waiting for you!

We have a special guest here, tonight, folks. It's Mary, the mother of Christ! Hi, Mary, how you doing?

"Just fine, Mr. Hope."

You can call me Bob.

"Is that you name or what you want done to your nose?"

Ha, ha, Mary. Ha ha!

"Well, Bob, we do have some extra noses you can choose from. Here's Michael Jackson's original nose. It's been used but not much!"

Ha, ha, Mary! Tell me, what's new with you?

"Well, Bob. I'm worried about the folks on Earth. Lately, they claim to see me in tortillas."

"Yes, and frankly, it has me concerned. If they're seeing images in their food, then I think faith is the least of their worries."

I couldn't agree with you more, Mary.

"And those images aren't even accurate, Bob. How does anyone know what I look like? How do they know what my Son looks like? Don't you think He would have left a photograph if it was important? A sketching, maybe."

Good point, Mary. Thanks for being here!

We were going to have some dead presidents roast me for a change, but none of them are here! It's Heaven! I know it's Heaven because I just saw Dean Martin with a swizzle stick the size of Cleveland! I just saw Sammy Davis, Jr. and he had two eyes! I saw Elvis and since I'm dead, I know he is, too! I thought I saw Richard Lewis, but it was just his career!

That's all for tonight folks! I'll be back for all eternity, remember! And since this is Heaven, the jokes will be funny!

Don't Take My Word For It

"This is the worst government the U.S. has ever had in its more than 200 years of history. This is not normal government policy. What we have here is a form of looting."

- George Akerlof: 2001 winner of the Nobel Prize for Economics -

"The opposite of courage is not cowardice, it's conformity."

- Jim Hightower: Thieves in High Places -

"Every really new idea looks crazy at first."
- Abraham H. Maslow -

"I know where weapons of mass destruction are. Joblessness is a weapon of mass destruction. Poverty is a weapon of mass destruction. Homelessness is a weapon of mass destruction. Poor health care is a weapon of mass destruction. And when the government lies to the American people, that is a weapon of mass destruction."

- Rep. Dennis Kucinich -

"The Village Voice took away all my hooker ads."

- Al Goldstein complaining about Screw Magazine's drop in revenue -

"Should a seeker not find
a companion who is better or equal,
let him resolutely pursue a solitary course;
there is no fellowship with the fool."

- Buddha: Dhammapada 61 -

"Gray Davis' troubles were caused in large measure by a conspiracy of energy companies led by Ken Lay and blessed by Dick Cheney. The idea that any market manipulation was taking place was mocked as ridiculous paranoia by Republican pundits like Charles Krauthammer and William Safire. The recall effort was funded by more right-wing Republican money. And the states deficit is smaller, as a percentage of its budget, than is Bush's even though he refuses to spend anything like what's necessary for homeland security - something we will all someday regret. And what's the result? Voters will punish the Democrats and hand the Republicans the most Democratic state in America. Great."

- Eric Alterman: MSNBC -

"No Gotcha team hammers Bush day after day on talk radio or cable news about his many years as a drunk, or the missing year during his draft-evading service in the Texas Air National Guard, or the mysterious windfall oil profits that came his way when other investors in his company were losing their shirts. Reporters have only recently begun to mar his triumphalist excuses for press conferences by asking pesky questions about Saddam Hussein's phantom nuclear deal with Niger, or his putative al-Qaida connections, or other untruths this administration has found useful. The Niger-uranium deception finally undermined Bush's amazing reputation for plain speaking, but on most issues he still escapes sustained scrutiny."

- Todd Gitlin: The Clinton Legacy and America -

"President Bush left Saturday for four weeks on his Texas ranch. He plans to clear brush and chop trees and jog six miles a day in one hundred degree heat. The general idea is to convince North Korea that he is crazy enough to do anything."

- Argus Hamilton -

"On BBC TV last month, I reported this: following the bombing of our embassies, the Clinton Administration sent two delegations to Saudi Arabia to tell their royal highnesses to stop giving money to the guys who are killing us. But Mr. Bush, once in office, put the kibosh on unfriendly words to the Saudis. Furthermore, in the summer of 2001, Mr. Bush disbanded the US intelligence unit tracking funding of Al Qaeda. What is it our G-men were uncovering?

"According to two separate sources speaking to BBC, the funders of Al Qaeda fronts include those who have previously funded Bush family business and political ventures. Now that's a wee bit embarrassing. Something you wouldn't want in a congressional report. Something you may not want the FBI to dwell on. (And you can unlock the women and children: the BBC reports will NOT be broadcast on U.S. television.)"
- Greg Palast -

"No matter the weasel words conjured up by desk-bound wordsmiths to disguise shrieking, agonizing bloody death caused by bullets gouging out gobbets of flesh from bodies that spout showers and jets of blood like a berserk fountain, there comes a time when the killing of civilians demands proper investigation."

- Brian Cloughley: What has happened to the US army in Iraq? -

"Obviously this coalition is not in the business of targeting reporters."

- Lieutenant Colonel Ken McClellan after his troops targetted a reporter -

"We have to believe that even the briefest human connections can heal. Otherwise, life is unbearable."

- Agate Nesaule: A Woman in Amber -

"Would we be better off if Saddam Hussein were still in power? That's the trump question hurled by desperate war defenders everywhere. I translate this to mean, would we be better off if George Bush's forces had not attacked Iraq and unseated Saddam Hussein? I'll answer a question with a question: Who's we? It's estimated that more than 6,000 civilians were killed in the Bush-instigated war. At least 10,000 Iraqis were injured. So let's get specific. Would those 6,000 civilians who are now in their graves have been better off if Bush had not launched his war? How about the more than 10,000 Iraqis, many of whom are likely disabled for life? Everyone is capable of answering these questions for himself."

- Sheldon Richman's Blog -

"Stepping up the Justice Department's battle with federal judges over sentencing guidelines, Ashcroft has directed government lawyers to report on judges who give out softer sentences and to start appealing those sentences in far higher numbers. The move, circulated in an internal memo last week, was anticipated under a measure known as the Feeney amendment, adopted by Congress in April to strengthen judges' adherence to new, stricter sentencing guidelines."

- Wall Street Journal -

"For years, the worst nightmare of the conservatives was that when the baby boomers began to take power, the country would end up with a president who was a draft-dodging, drug-addled deserter who would wreck the economy and bankrupt the government with deficit spending. When I think of the money and effort the conservatives put into getting Bush into the presidency, I am appalled at the lengths some people will go just to be right."

- an American citizen -

"I do not think marijuana should have a process different than any other drug to evaluate whether or not it has medical value."

- Howard Dean -

"Anyone who thinks medical marijuana needs more study is either an idiot or a politician."

- Xarvon, Alien Investigator -

"History Of Man: from bondage to spiritual faith, from spiritual faith to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependency, from dependency back to bondage."

- Alexander Tytler -

"The American Republic will endure until politicians realize they can bribe the people with their own money."

- Alexis de Tocqueville -

"Truth is no theory, no speculative system of philosophy, no intellectual insight. Truth is exact correspondence with reality."

- Paramhansa Yogananda -

"If you detach yourself from identification with the body and remain relaxed in and as Consciousness, you will, this very moment, be happy, at peace, free from bondage."

- Ashtavakra Gita -

"Israel freed Palestinian prisoners on the same day Iceland resumed whaling. Coincidence? I don't think so."

- Helen A. Handbasket -

"The writer should always be ready to change sides at the drop of a hat. He stands for the victims, and the victims change."

- Graham Greene -

"Pro-war or anti-war, most Americans think we're obligated to stick around until we've rebuilt Iraq. Get real! You have only to look at Afghanistan to see that we're never going to build schools, skyscrapers and superhighways in Iraq."

- Ted Rall: Bring Home the Troops -

"Responsibility does not only lie with the leaders of our countries or with those who have been appointed or elected to do a particular job. It lies with each of us individually. Peace, for example, starts within each one of us."

- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -

"When in doubt, tell the truth."

- Mark Twain -

"Whenever a transgressor is praised, the Almighty Allah becomes enraged, and the Throne shudders in dismay."

- The Prophet Muhammad -

"Believe those who seek the truth; doubt those who find it."

- Andre Gide -

"One in six Indiana lawmakers has a permit to carry a firearm and several of the lawmakers keep the guns handy while doing the public's business on the floor of the House and Senate. These pistol-packing politicians have no problem with the availability of weapons in the Statehouse, and some even welcome the guns given the lax security at the state Capitol. 'If someone opens fire from the balcony, I want all the guns I can shooting back,' said Rep. Matthew Whetstone, R-Brownsburg. 'Unless, of course, there are school kids up there.'"

- Niki Kelly: Lawmakers governing with guns -

"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different."

- Coco Chanel -

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people."

- G.K. Chesterton -

"This is not the Utopian World that we have been promised. We do not have a World Without War and a clean and pure environment where people live with the Earth and not against it. We do not have a Nation that is By the People and for the People, we have a Nation that is by the Polluting Corrupt Corporations for the Corrupt Corporations. We do not have a land of Love and Decency, we have a Totalitarian State that rules by Lies and Half Truths, that worships money and power and where people are just pawns for the Republican Party to use to grasp and steal more and more money and power."

- Howard Scott Pearlman -

"So we cannot name this country, but it is, we can assume, a veritable Mecca of terrorist activity."

- Bill Maher -

"It's a land gripped by warlords, with terror, rape and murder, but you wouldn't know it from Kabul's new decadence. With the fundamentalists long gone and thousands of well-heeled foreign aid workers and ex-pat Afghans moved in, Kabul has been transformed from dusty backwater to wild party town - for those with the cash to enjoy it."

- Nick Meo: Afghanistan gets its first party town -

"What nobody seems to be mentioning right now is that we knew that Bush's 16-word statement in the State of the Union address was false before the war even started ... but Bush was allowed to get away with it as the momentum towards war grew."

- Barbra Streisand -

"Don't rain on my parade."

- W -

The War on Plants

John Ashcroft's nephew got probation after a major pot bust. Although his arrest for growing 60 plants could have landed him in federal prison, Alex Ashcroft was tried in state court and avoided jail - despite his uncle's crusade for tougher federal drug laws and mandatory prison sentences.

Mr. Conspiracy Says...

Did you know the U.S. Embassy canceled the booking of 10-20 rooms in the J. W. Marriott Hotel in Indonesia 4 1/2 hours before the recent explosion? This information is from an employee of the Marriott Hotel who refused to be identified. He explained that the booking was made several days ago. The U.S. Embassy's guests had planned to stay for 3 days. Unfortunately, the only way to find this out is to go here and hire a translator.

Did you know there's a connection between the east coast blackout and the crash of the Columbia? Now you do.

Belated Christmas Gift from Hell

You don't have Jay and Silent Bob action figures?

What the fuck's the matter with you?

Mandatory reading: Okay, it's not some wacky website but the Washington Post that has finally gotten around to writing an authoritative article, full of indisputable evidence and testimony, about the lies and deceptions propagated by George W. Bush to get us into a war against the guy who tried to kill his daddy.

I've been forwarded it a dozen times so I assume you've already read Greg Palast's Blackout Traced to Dim Bulb in White House. Read it before the lights go out.

Informed citizens are trying to reclaim the judicial branch of our government because they believe "The Law Exists to Protect the Individual from the Collective!!!" and "Liberty and Security are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact, in the final analysis, you cannot have Security without Liberty!!" They also believe in exclamation points.

Bush was called "President Shrub" in a Canadian government memo.

Everything you always wanted to know about peaches.

Fuck people, The Humane Society of the United States is promoting the protection of animals.

At Stupid Security, they've been exposing fake security since 2003. Ridiculous but true tales of people simply trying to board a plane or train.

Iraqi civilians will only be able to claim compensation from the United States for death or damage caused by the occupying forces that occurred AFTER May 1, the date George Bush declared the main combat operations at an end.

Mars is as close as it's been in 60,000 years. Here's the best guide to viewing.

They keep reporting the deaths of U.S. soldiers in Iraq while failing to even mention the more than 827 wounded.

This is an incomplete guide to recent false statements made by Republicans because a complete guide would take too much time to download.

The mission of Open Government Information Awareness is to empower citizens by providing a single, comprehensive, easy-to-use repository of information on individuals, organizations, and corporations related to the government of the United States of America.

Find out exactly how much you're not getting. The Internal Revenue Service has just activated a program on its website that lets you see, with only a few clicks of the mouse, whether you'll get a check and how much it might be for.

If you get an e-mail asking you if you prefer Pepsi or Coke, don't answer it. It's a telemarketing scam.

The Voter Confidence and Increased Accessibility Act of 2003 (Bill H.R.2239) institutes true election reform. Unfortunately, congressmen have still got to vote for it.

Is there an alternative to the death penalty? Glad you asked.

Contact George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Saddam Hussein - press@uruklink.net (might bounce)
Contact Kim Jong Il - eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac - france-presse@un.int
Contact the Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Embassy of France in the US: 202-944-6000
German Embassy in the US: 202-298-4000
Embassy of the Russian Federation: 202-298-5700
Embassy of the People's Republic of China: 202-328-2500
White House switchboard: (202) 456-1414
Contact your Senator -
http://www.senate.gov/senators/senator_by_state.cfm
Contact your Representative -
http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW.html
House and Senate switchboard: (202) 224-3121
Links to Central Government Agencies - http://www.firstgov.gov/

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Boo hoo
I can't afford any pot
because none of you bastards are
donating anything to my Paypal account.

dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form. It consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's fair use.

Thanks,

Satan

Bartcop Entertainment - Wednesday, 20 August, 2003

Wednesday

20 August, 2003

(Updated Daily)

Issue #67 - Part 2

Disinfotainment Today

'TBH Politoons'

Weekly Review

HARPER'S WEEKLY REVIEW

Reader Suggestion

Drive-Invasion 2003

Selected Readings

from that Mad Cat, JD

In The Chaos Household

Last Night

Thursday - 8/21

The Information One-Stop

Moose & Squirrel

Lying Liars & Their Egos

Al Franken

Inaction on Set

'Raymond'

Wins Third Emmy for 'Simpsons' Work

Hank Azaria

'I'm A Roustabout'

Elvis Presley

ABC Cancels

'The Real Rosanne Show'

Costs Trailing Cable

Satellite TV

In The Kitchen With BartCop & Friends

Former Ranch a Public Park

Leo Carrillo

Joining 'ER'

Linda Cardellini

2Pac Lives On Remix Set

Tupac Shakur

Phish Bassist Charged

Mike Gordon

Postpones L.A. Concert

Olivia Newton-John

Formerly 'The Vidiot'

Sues Production Co.

Erik Estrada

Pleads Innocent

Carl Lewis

Oink, Oink

Bob Guccione

New York Art Exhibit

Bacon Show

Eagles Deployed

Giant Gerbils

'Ark of Darkness'

Chapter 19 - Event Horizon

~

This Friday

Chapter 20 - Binary System

'The Osbournes'

Welcome !