Bartcop Entertainment - Tuesday, 28 October, 2003

Welcome to

A Very Special Halloween Issue of

The newspaper that puts apples in your razor blades

Issue #77
is brought to you by

The best dildo ever made!

Yee-haa, git yerself one of these Ann Coulter dolls

and shove it up your ass.

Costume of the Week

Okay, it's a little bit of work, but this Halloween, you might want to turn yourself into a giant robotic dog.

What About the Hummer?

General Motors Corp. will rename its Buick LaCrosse in Canada because the name for the car is slang for masturbation in Quebec.

So Sue Me

Mikhail Gorbachev has trademarked his forehead.

Vietnam Redux

Oh boy, they're gearing up to bring back the draft.

Shoot Me Now

Dennis Miller is considering a run for the Senate against Barbara Boxer, one of the only Senators to vote "no" against Bush's $87 billion giveaway.

Really Dead This Week

October 24

Army Sgt. Michael S. Hancock, 29, of Yreka, Calif.; assigned to 1st Battalion, 320th Field Artillery Regiment, Fort Campbell, Ky.; killed Oct. 24 when he was shot while on guard duty in Mosul, Iraq.

October 23

Army Capt. John R. Teal, 31, of Mechanicsville, Va.; assigned to 2nd Brigade, 4th Infantry Division, Fort Hood, Texas; killed Oct. 23 when an improvised explosive device exploded by his convoy in Baqubah, Iraq.

October 22

Army Spc. John P. Johnson, 24, of Houston, Texas; assigned to 2nd Battalion, 6th Infantry Regiment, 1st Armored Division, Baumholder, Germany; died Oct. 22 of non-combat-related injuries in Baghdad.

Army Pvt. Jason M. Ward, 25, of Tulsa, Okla.; assigned to 2nd Battalion, 70th Armored Regiment, 1st Armored Division, Fort Riley, Kan.; died Oct. 22 of non-combat related injuries in Baghdad.

October 21

Army Pfc. Paul J. Bueche, 19, of Daphne, Ala.; assigned to the 131st Aviation Regiment, Army National Guard, Birmingham, Ala.; killed Oct. 21 when a tire he was changing on a UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter exploded in Balad, Iraq.

October 20

Army Staff Sgt. Paul J. Johnson, 29, of Calumet, Mich.; assigned to 1st Battalion, 505th Parachute Infantry Regiment, 82nd Airborne Division, Fort Bragg, N.C.; killed Oct. 20 while on mounted patrol when the vehicle in which he was riding hit an improvised explosive device and then came under small-arms fire by enemy forces in Fallujah, Iraq.

- Faces of Valor -

Evil Idiot of the Week

"It is a better and more important story than losing a couple soldiers every day."

- Rep. George Nethercutt on the lack of coverage of the "rebuilding" of Iraq: U.S. News & World Report 10/27/03 -

How to Kill 10 Guys in a Day

Just go to Baghdad.

Movie of the Week

Fucking USA is an outrageous anti-American propaganda video made by North Koreans and previously broadcast on South Korean and Japanese Television. English translation titles by Rob Pongi.

Shockwave Movies of the Week

Fascinating films of dozens of different manufacturing processes.

Saving Jessica Lynch

Screwing Shoshana Johnson

Shoshana Johnson

"Shot through both legs and held prisoner in Iraq for 22 days, Shoshana Johnson returned home to a difficult convalescence that lacked the media fury and official hype that attended her friend and comrade in arms Jessica Lynch.

"Depressed, scarred, haunted by the trauma of her captivity and at times unable to sleep, Specialist Johnson walks with a limp and has difficulty standing for long. Now that she is on the verge of her discharge, the U.S. Army is aggravating her injury, her parents say.

"While Private Lynch was discharged in August with an 80 per cent disability benefit, Specialist Johnson learnt last week she will receive a 30 per cent disability benefit from the army for her injuries.

"The difference, which amounts to $700 a month in payments, has infuriated Specialist Johnson and her family. They have enlisted the help of the Reverend Jesse Jackson to take their case to the news media, accusing the army of double standards, insensitivity and racism - Private Lynch is white; Specialist Johnson is black."

- Lee Hockstader: Insult to injury: A raw deal for Jessica Lynch's black comrade-in-arms -

The War Against Plants

Billboards advocating the legalization of marijuana, such as this one at Eastern Market Station, have been posted in Metro stations as public service announcements in Washington, DC. Lawmakers are shocked, I tell you, shocked.

Calling All Writers

"Planners" know what they want to say before they say it. At a minimum, they plan their story's structure in their heads before they start typing; at the maximum, they compose from a written outline. "Plungers" tend to write by discovery. They have no idea of structure when they start typing. They usually type sentences or paragraphs or sections, and then rearrange them to make sense. Take this quiz to see if you're a planner or a plunger.

Don't Take My Word For It

"There is a feeling that the Internet is full of junk and it is, but it is also full of free-thinking and spirited debate about the issues that affect us all. Even though much of the Internet has come under the watchful eye of the dominant corporate media empires, that free-wheeling and vigorous exchange of ideas and values is ongoing; the media magnates have not figured out yet how to stifle the obvious groundswell of people who are just plain angry about watching our world sliding into a toilet and who are increasingly convinced that everyone is lying to us about it."

- Paul Harris: You will never see this on CNN -

"When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong."

- Buckminster Fuller -

"A work is never completed but merely abandoned."

- Paul Valéry -

"The State is the coldest of all cold monsters and coldly it tells lies, and this lie oozes from its lips, 'I, the State, am the people.'"
- F.W. Nietzsche: Also Sprach Zarathustra -

"Few newspapers routinely report injuries in Iraq, beyond references to specific incidents. Since the war began in March, 1,927 soldiers have been wounded in Iraq, many quite severely. (The tally is current as of Oct. 20.) Of this number, 1,590 were wounded in hostile action, and 337 from other causes. About 20% of the injured in Iraq have suffered severe brain injuries, and as many as 70% 'had the potential for resulting in brain injury,' according to an Oct. 16 article in The Boston Globe."

- Seth Porges: Press underreports wounded in Iraq; Few newspapers tally injuries, accidents -

"Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything."

- John Kenneth Galbraith -

"The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional to how they perceive the veterans of earlier wars were treated and appreciated by their nation."

- George Washington -

"Evangelicals have thought historically, 'Well, we'll do politics the way we do faith - we'll just convert the opposition.' But you can't do politics the same way you do religion."

- The Reverend Richard Cizik: the National Association of Evangelicals -

"If Howard Dean is George McGovern...who does that make George W. Bush?"

- counterspin -

"There are 170 newspapers being published in Iraq. It could be argued that the citizens of Baghdad have more newspaper choice than the citizens of my hometown, Louisville, Ky. Some of these papers are probably more credible even than, shall we say, The New York Times."

- Senator Mitch McConnell -

"According to the World Bank, almost one child in 10 in Gaza and the West Bank is suffering from severe malnutrition."

- Palestinians reduced to begging -

"By substituting his judgment for the judgment of the courts, the governor 'set aside the role of the whole judicial system,' [Howard] Simon said, warning that a precedent has been set for Bush and legislators to write laws gutting any court decision they don't like."

- Megan O'Matz and Diane Lade: ACLU joins husband in battle to stop feeding of brain-damaged woman -

"Attorney Mary Houghton's court pleadings sought Chong's harsh punishment because he got rich 'glamorizing the illegal distribution and use of marijuana' in films that 'trivialize law enforcement efforts to combat drug trafficking and use.'"

"Chong must have wondered when such activities became criminal. Perhaps the FBI now will arrest Sean Penn for hilariously smoking grass in 'Fast Times at Ridgemont High.' Then they can handcuff Denzel Washington for portraying a crooked narcotics officer in 'Training Day.'"
- Deroy Murdock: Uncle Sam's Wacky War on Drugs -

"In dealing with the State, we ought to remember that its institution are not aboriginal, though they existed before we were born: that they are not superior to the citizen: that every one of them was once the act of a single man: every law and usage was a man's expedient to meet a particular case: that they all are imitable, all alterable; we may make as good; we may make better."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson: Politics [1844] -

"If the president is not a complete moron -- and he probably is not -- he is a hardened cynic, staging moral anguish he does not feel, pandering to people he cannot possibly agree with and sacrificing the future of many American citizens for short-term political advantage."

- Michael Kinsey: One Reason Not to Like Bush -

"He built up a massive war machine while neglecting the basic needs of his own people."

- George W. Bush -

"A major chunk of the American economy is built on Saudi money. They have a trillion dollars invested in our stock market and another trillion dollars sitting in our banks. If one day they chose to suddenly remove that money, our corporations and financial institutions would be sent into a tailspin, causing an economic crisis the likes of which has never been seen. Couple that with the fact that the one and a half million barrels of oil we need daily from the Saudis also could vanish on a mere royal whim, and we begin to see how not only you but all of us are dependent on the House of Saud."

- Michael Moore: Dude, Where's my Country? -

"Why does the United States persist in hysteria about its security? It is beyond any comparison the most powerful country that has ever existed. It is shielded by two oceans. Its two immediate neighbors, Canada and Mexico, are peaceable and feeble. Where's the threat?

"Contrast Belgium. Its a tiny country among far bigger countries, several of which have nuclear weapons, which it lacks. It has been overrun and conquered by its neighbors a number of times in the past and could be quickly defeated again. So why isn't poor little Belgium, rather than the mighty United States, obsessed with military safety and potential threats? We could ask the same question of any number of the worlds vulnerable mini-powers."

- Joseph Sobran: The Sanity Gap -

"The guilty flee when no man pursueth."

- The Bible: Book of Proverbs -

"I was shocked and angered when I found out how many of the service men hate being in Iraq and want nothing to do with rebuilding and policing the devastated nation. From the conversations I had, many soldiers never wanted to go over to Iraq and fight, and the ones who had were now convinced of the awful crime that had been committed against Iraq and our own troops. I was told very few soldiers now believe in staying in Iraq, or want to stay in the country and serve any more days."

- Jay Shaft: US Soldiers to America: "Bring us home now; were dying for oil and corporate greed!" -

"Thanks in part to the recent Bush approved Help America Vote Act (HAVA), squadrons of shiny new Touch Screen Trojan horses are being rolled into precincts across America. Not, as we are told, to make voting easier or more accurate, or to help disabled people vote privately, or to save America from the dangers of hanging chad and butterfly ballots -- no. The real reason America is being flooded with billions of dollars worth of paperless computerized voting machines is so that no one will ever again be able to prove vote fraud.

"These machines are not just unverifiable, they are secretly programmed (their software is not open to scrutiny by election officials or computer experts), equipped with modems, accessible by computer, telephone, and satellite. They are the final product of decades of work by the election rigging industry. When they are installed in every precinct in America, our elections will finally become completely meaningless, nothing more than charades behind which criminal thugs will wield the power of this nation.

"Let's make this clear. These machines are nothing but Trojan horses built by and for election thieves. With the ballot-less computer, there is no way to recount, no way to prove any discrepancy, inaccuracy or fraud. Just the fact that companies like ES&S, Diebold, and Sequoia would even make a ballot-less machine should be cause for a Congressional investigation."

- Victoria Collier: A brief history of computerized election fraud in America -

"Kremlin efforts to link Chechen rebel leader Aslan Maskhadov to the attack [on the Dubrovka theater] have been so effective that the United States and other Western powers have all but accepted Moscow's argument that its abuse-riddled military campaign in Chechnya is part of the global war on terror and given up pushing Russia to negotiate with the rebels."

- Simon Saradzhyan: Chechen Rebels Lose Their Voice -

"[W]hile Cheney noted that when asked what kind of government they would like, Iraqis chose 'the U.S. . . . hands down,' in fact, the results of the poll are actually quite different. Twenty-three percent of Iraqis say that they would like to model their new government after the U.S.; 17.5 percent would like their model to be Saudi Arabia; 12 percent say Syria, 7 percent say Egypt and 37 percent say 'none of the above.' That's hardly 'winning hands down.'

- James Zogby: Poll: What Iraqis Think About the Occupation -

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."

- Margaret Mead -

"The people should conduct a revolution every ten or twenty years just to keep our government fresh."

- Thomas Jefferson -

"Think universally. Act terrestrially."

- Wilson's Almanac -

Everything Else

Mandatory reading: How Come Psychopathic Dictators Get Such Bad Press These Days? by Kim Jong Il.

Mother Teresa, the founder of the Missionaries of Charity order in West Bengal, is believed to have cured Monica Besra of an abdominal tumor, which the Vatican approved as a miracle, which is why she achieved sainthood, which is why some people who call themselves "rationalists" say it was a hoax.

You think you've got it bad? Read about what it's like to be abused by Liza Minnelli.

A British-based charity group is alleging that four billion out of an estimated five billion dollars in Iraq oil revenues and other funds have "disappeared into opaque bank accounts" administered by the Coalition Provisional Authority.

Wanna marry your pet? Then why haven't you been to marryyourpet.com?

The United States is the only country ever to deny funding to the UNFPA (United Nations Population Fund) for non-budgetary reasons. In July 2002, the U.S. Administration announced its decision to withhold $34 million - that had previously been appropriated by Congress to UNFPA - based on false claims that the Fund supports coercive abortion in China. UNFPA estimates that this 12.5 per cent resource shortfall would result in 2 million unwanted pregnancies per year, nearly 800,000 abortions, 4,700 maternal deaths and 77,000 infant and child deaths. UNFPA is committed to saving women's lives and the income reduction will severely limit its ability to protect women's health during pregnancy and childbirth. What do they want? One dollar apiece from 34 million people. (Okay, if it's the United Nations Population Fund, why is it called the UNFPA instead of the UNPF? The original name was the United Nations Fund for Population Activities but it was shortened in 1987. In the type of decision that could only be made by an international bureaucracy, the original acronym was retained despite the name change.)

Tired of gel shaving creams that clog up your triple-blade razor? Check out the competition at the World Beard and Mustache Championships.

Just generally fed up? Go to The Kill Everyone Project and vent your frustrations against the world.

Maybe not. Here's all the information you need to emigrate to Canada.

Contact George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov

Contact Jeb Bush - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Saddam Hussein - press@uruklink.net (might bounce)
Contact Kim Jong Il - eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac - france-presse@un.int
Contact the Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Embassy of France in the US: 202-944-6000
German Embassy in the US: 202-298-4000
Embassy of the Russian Federation: 202-298-5700
Embassy of the People's Republic of China: 202-328-2500
White House switchboard: (202) 456-1414
Contact your Senator -
http://www.senate.gov/senators/senator_by_state.cfm
Contact your Representative -
http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW.html
House and Senate switchboard: (202) 224-3121
Links to Central Government Agencies - http://www.firstgov.gov/

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Satan

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