Bartcop Entertainment - Tuesday, 19 August, 2003

Because I didn't do one last week, this one is WAY big,

so I've cut it in half.

Part One
is brought to you by

The California Choice

This is the best political race ever. I'm enjoying every goddam second of it. There's never been a political race that exposed the best and worst of Democracy as thoroughly as this one. It's boffo, a sure fire hit that's got everything: a fabulous set of characters, an amazing plot, momentum, drama, compassion, humor, a fascinating back-story, and a slam-bang ending full of heartbreak and triumph.

Pundits are calling it a circus, as though a wealth of independent candidates spells the death of democracy instead of the rebirth. This is a GREAT election, the only election in memory where whoever you are, man or woman, liberal idiot or conservative idiot, madman or saint, gay or straight, rich or poor, tall or short, sex slave or ice queen, there's got to be a candidate for you. If you live in California and you don't vote in this election, you're out of your fucking mind.

Sure, you're facing the same problems you face in every election. If you vote for the one you ACTUALLY want, you feel like you're wasting your time, if not actually helping the enemy, as those who voted for Ralph Nader in 2000 know all too well.

A vote for B.E. Smith, a medical marijuana activist, isn't a vote to actually put him in office. Ain't gonna happen. Other than getting busted, a vote for B.E. Smith is just another way of letting the establishment know that you are outraged by the war on drugs. Isn't that a good enough reason to get out there and punch a ballot?

Some of the candidates are obviously in it just for the publicity and would probably shoot themselves if they actually found themselves Governor of the State of California. (Not a bad idea as far as Angelyne is concerned) Others seemingly DO want to be Governor of the State of California and would probably shoot themselves once they found out what the job actually entailed.

Then there's musclehead. I can't think of anything more frightening about the entire concept of democracy than the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger might win this race. (FACTOID #1:

Arnold's dad was a Nazi.)

When Jesse Ventura became Governor of Minnesota, at least he had a slew of progressive ideas. He had something to accomplish, whether he had the political skills to accomplish them or not. Even if he doesn't have genuine political ambition, Warren Beatty has made it abundantly clear he has a genuine political stance. We would know what to expect if Warren Beatty became governor.

But Schwarzenegger clearly doesn't have any ideas of his own. If he did, he would have expressed them by now, not in his most recent incarnation as political candidate, but during his tenure as "biggest box office star in the world." If he had any ideas, surely at least one of them would have slipped out during the thousands of interviews he gave over the years. His name attached to any script makes it a "go" picture. The choices were his. Name a Schwarzenegger movie full of ideas. Name a Schwarzenegger movie that took a strong political stance. Name a Schwarzenegger movie that was liberal or conservative. Name a Schwarzenegger movie that wasn't ideologically wishy-washy. Name a Schwarzenegger movie that was about anything more than mindless entertainment and his own stardom. The closest thing to a statement that any Schwarzenegger movie has made was way back when Conan taught us that "strength is good."

Don't get me wrong. I'm as big a fan of mindless entertainment as the next guy. Total Recall and T2 are among my favorite fantasy films, but with that as a criteria we'd have Pamela Anderson as president and Judy Garland as secretary of state.

Despite the limitless opportunities Schwarzenegger has had to broadcast outrage over Enron or World War W or the war on drugs or the death of the environment or abortion or the Florida election or burning the flag or prayer in schools or the Catholic Church or the Patriot Act or any of the issues that currently burn in the American conscious, he has said nothing. Not a thought. Could he have known way back in the days when the hardest thing he had to do was flex his muscles that someday he might run for office so the best thing to do was never display any actual opinions? I don't think so. He's not that smart. No, Arnold's lack of public ideas explains nothing more than a lack of private ideas, which means he's totally managed. Who are the people who manage political candidates? Not the good guys, I can tell you that. (FACTOID #2: Schwarzenegger met with Ken Lay over deregulation.) As Bush has taught us, the fastest road to nothing good happening is putting a guy in charge who's managed by rich people.

Deleting the publicity seekers, the incompetents, the comedians, the fascists, the slaves to the system, and the one-issue wonders, the only candidate left is Arianna Huffington. I defy anyone to read "Pigs at the Trough," Huffington's brilliant compendium and analysis of this country's endless supply of financial disasters where the rich got richer and the poor got poorer, and not be left with the overwhelming sense that none of it would have happened if someone like Huffington were in charge. She's genuinely the anti-Schwarzenegger, a veritable tidal wave of ideas that all stem from equal amounts of genuine compassion for humanity and the financial bottom line. She's just as strong an opponent of the drug war as B.E. Smith, with the added extra attraction that she's a fiscal genius with a sense of humor. When Huffington tells a joke, it's one she made up herself. When Schwarzenegger tells a joke, it's provided by a staff of writers.

How can anyone be stupid enough to vote for this guy? Who votes for the candidate that's got the best writers? Anybody with a bank account can hire writers. How about someone who can actually think for themselves? Schwarzenegger couldn't have written "Pigs at the Trough" any more than Huffington could have played "Conan the Barbarian."

I keep getting my heart broken every time I personally get behind a candidate. It's hard to invest any emotion into an enterprise that could change the world for the better, only to find that the majority of voters have a different definition of the word "better." I'm going to stretch my neck out and throw my unequivocal support behind Ms. Huffington for Governor of the State of California.

But, unfortunately, that doesn't mean I'm going to vote for her.

I'm not going to be condemned to repeat history. I learned my lesson from the election of 2000. What's important is NOT that I vote for the candidate I want but that Schwarzenegger must be stopped. He works for the same forces of evil that Bush works for, and so it is imperative to vote for the front-runner who has an actual chance of beating him, and right now, that's Bustamante, not a bad guy at all.

Things could change. I'll look at the polls right before the election and vote for whoever has an actual chance of putting musclehead back in Hollywood where he belongs. I hope it's Huffington because I firmly believe she's the foreigner with the funny accent Californians should be voting for. But whoever.

Fan Mail for Larry Flynt's Prayer for the Death of Bill O'Reilly

Sir,

That was really crappy, you should be ashamed.

A.G.

Dear A.G.,

Just a month ago, on July 15, conservative Christian megalomaniac Pat Robertson asked his congregation to help him pray for the death of three Supreme Court Justices. In response to the court's decriminalizing sodomy, he called for a "prayer offensive," saying that "One justice is 83-years-old, another has cancer and another has a heart condition. Would it not be possible for God to put it in the minds of these three judges that the time has come to retire?"

In Indianapolis, Greg Dixon, head of the Indianapolis Baptist Temple with a congregation of 8,000, endorsed prayers for death as a last resort. "We're tired of turning the other cheek," he said. "Good heavens, that's all that we have done."

In Los Angeles, R.L. Hymers Jr., the pastor of the Fundamentalist Baptist Tabernacle called on his 400 member congregation in a prayer for the death of Supreme Court Justice William J. Brennen, Jr. because he supports a woman's right to have an abortion. He also ordered up an airplane to circle overhead trailing the message "Pray for Death: Baby-Killer Brennen."

"I think it may be that we're on the avant garde: we're doing something that others will do later," said pastor Hymers.

No shit, Sherlock. Turnabout is fair play.

Flynt was just satirizing these assholes, and a damn good satire it was. They deserved it.

Who'da Thunk?

The Major of Hiroshima isn't happy with the new U.S. nuclear weapons policies.

Someone in the Bush administration has actually come out in favor of free speech.

The 2004 United States Presidential Election is for sale on eBay. (Only 3 more days)

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

It's the 35th anniversary of the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago. Yippie!

"The nomination of the boar hog Pigasus for President of the United States by the Yippies had been the most transcendentally lucid political act of the twentieth century."

- Robert Anton Wilson -

Saudi Arabia and Israel Find Common Ground

The Idi Amin Fan Club

Idi Amin is finally dead, but at least the Saudis kept him comfortable during his final days. And, of course, Israelis helped him take power in Uganda in the first place. (Special note: how do we know he's really dead without pictures of his corpse? Sure, the Saudis SAY they buried him, but still...)

Shockwave of the Week

New EZ-Clean works on everything, especially government documents.

Sale of the Week

Covering Your Ass

The Observer has obtained a 40-year-old confidential document from the secret Vatican archive which lawyers are calling a "blueprint for deception and concealment." The 69-page Latin document bearing the seal of Pope John XXIII was sent to every bishop in the world. The instructions outline a policy of "strictest" secrecy in dealing with allegations of sexual abuse and threatens those who speak out with excommunication.

Dueling Quotes

"We'll have time to look at it and determine whether or not our grid needs to be modernized. I happen to think it does, and have said so all along."
- George Bush: 8/14/03 -

"In June of 2001, Bush opposed, and the congressional GOP voted down, legislation to provide $350 million worth of loans to modernize the nation's power grid because of known weaknesses in reliability and capacity. Supporters of the amendment pointed to studies by the Energy Department showing that the grid was in desperate need of upgrades as proof that their legislation sponsored by U.S. Rep. Sam Farr (D-CA) should pass. Unfortunately, the Bush Administration lobbied against it and the Republicans voted it down three separate times."

- politicalstrategy.org -

Too Much Information

The Dudley Knox Library at the Naval Postgraduate School has posted a page of information on Terrorism that is mind-bogglingly thorough. Less journalism, more graduate papers, offering a unique, well-researched, and completely devastating view of the tactic that won't go away.

Do Unto Others

Abu Ghraib, which was once one of Iraq's notorious prisons where Saddam Hussein had political prisoners tortured and hanged, has become a makeshift jail at the heart of the U.S. military's struggle to give Iraqis a new sense of justice. About 500 Iraqis are detained here and, like detainees in U.S. prison camps across Iraq, none has been allowed family visits. Only one out of 10 has been allowed to see a lawyer.

- Alex Rodriguez: Chicago Tribune -

The U.S. says it doesn't know how many detainees are at Guantanamo or who they are.

Internet Joke of the Week

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Saddam told his driver: "Go to that farm over there and explain to the owner of the pig what happened."

One hour later, Saddam saw his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand, and a cigar in the other.

"What happened to you?" Saddam asked.

"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife gave me the cigar and their 19-year-old daughter made wild passionate love to me," said the driver.

"What did you tell them?" Saddam asked.

"Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig," said the driver.

Saddam Hussein Now Looks Like...

The last time I checked the ticker at Cost of War in Iraq, it was at $69,340,588,937.

Fake News of the Week

Schwarzenegger Criticizes California School System

"If it were any good, there wouldn't be millions of people dumb enough to vote for me"

- National Lampoon -

Buffet Joins Team Terminator

New campaign slogan: "Wasted Away Again in Californiaville"

- Disinfotainment Today -

All 135 Candidates to Debate

Each will be given two seconds to speak, one second for rebuttal.

- Ironic Times -

"I'm a top professional athlete alone in a swanky hotel room in an unfamiliar town. A lovely young hotel employee knocks on my door unbidden at midnight. I let her in. We begin engaging in consensual sexual activities. She decides to stop. I say no. How does that add up to rape? Sure, women have the right to say no, but so do men!"

- Kobe Bryant: Untrue News -

WHITE HOUSE RELEASES REDACTED VERSION OF CONSTITUTION

Twenty-eight Pages Deemed 'Too Sensitive'

- The Borowitz Report -

Former President Carter To Be Tried For Peace Crimes

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND: An international peace-crimes tribunal commenced legal proceedings against former U.S. President Jimmy Carter for alleged crimes against inhumanity

- The Onion -

Google Smackdown of the Week

vs.

and the winner is...

"I should be president" by 72.

I Feel So Much Safer Now

According to a survey taken by The New Freedom Forum First Amendment Center, almost one-fifth of Americans think the First Amendment goes too far in guaranteeing basic freedoms of speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition.

Fisher-Price Inc. has issued a recall for about a quarter-million crib mobiles that might leak battery acid.

We're dropping napalm on Iraqi troops.

A growing militia of mostly Shia men have responded to the call to arms made by a maverick young cleric, Muqtader al-Sadr, in the Shia holy city of Najaf. Yep, there's a brand new Iraqi army unaffiliated with Saddam OR the U.S.

Lawyers are trying to change their ethics code so they can snitch to authorities, thus invalidating numerous episodes of The Practice.

Bush's new EPA rules could increase pollution by 1.6 million tons.