Bartcop Entertainment - Tuesday, 15 June, 2004

Public Service Announcement

After last week's funeral for Ronald Reagan, the United States is running out of pomp. Please conserve your pomp, and if you have any spare pomp lying around, donate it to your nearest federal facility.

Why Did the Iraqi Chicken Cross the Road?

Coalition Provisional Authority:

The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.

Halliburton:

We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.

Muqtada al-Sadr:

The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.

US Army Military Police:

We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.

Peshmerga:

The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.

1st Cav:

The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.

Al Jazeera:

The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.

Blackwater:

We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.

Translators:

Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.

U.S. Marine Corps:

The chicken is dead.

- anonymous e-mail -

Dr.,

You know lot's of things. Perhaps you can help me with this. Like most people in China, Texas I have a reality TV show concept I'd like to pitch, and no idea where to pitch it. I did a Google search and came up with some websites of interest. These websites purport themselves to be hip cutting edge methods for connecting savvy television producers with fresh young writing talent. However their promotional materials remind me, in spirit, of certain grammatically challenged letters I have received from Nigeria.

Thanks for the news letter, Keep up the good work

Eliot Hall

Hey Eliot,

I'm a WGA mentor and the WGA is actually the last place on earth to be asking questions about reality TV. Writers hate reality TV + I'm a writer = I hate reality TV. The whole point of reality TV, from Hollywood's perspective, is that they're cheap. They're cheap because they don't have writers, they have producers, thereby avoiding the WGA, and they don't have actors, they have participants, thereby avoiding SAG. Anybody claiming they're looking for "writers" for reality TV is a con artist.

Reality TV is sold in pitches. You've got to get yourself in a room with one of them. You've to be a producer, not a writer. I hate producers. Good luck.

MD

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

Much is said about writing the perfect query letter. Do you have some samples of the perfect query? Love your site by the way.

Shelly

Shelly,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

You've got to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine. Every week, literally hundreds, sometimes thousands of people they don't know, begging them to please read something or listen to a great idea that'll only take up five minutes of your precious time when they've already got dozens of ideas of your own that you're scrambling to get made.

Your first goal, the one that makes all other goals meaningless unless achieved, is to prevent them from immediately throwing your letter into the trash with all the rest.

They won't read anything they don't ask for so that's your second goal. Get them to ask for something. Things they ask for get read much faster than things they don't ask for. Things they don't ask for don't get read at all.

Why so paranoid? It's easy.

Let's say David Schwimmer reads your script about Christ coming back to life as a hot dog, then years later Matt Groening hires him to appear in an episode of Futurama where Christ comes back as a hamburger. You could sue Matt Groening claiming he stole your idea, just changing it a little, even though David Schwimmer didn't take your idea to Matt Groening, Matt Groening came up with it on his own, and, by pure chance, decided to hire David Schwimmer to appear in it.

If this sounds far-fetched, it's not. Happens all the time because there are only so many ideas and many of the them are remarkably similar. It's actually happened to me. If the person you're submitting to EVER does something similar, you could sue them. The only protection they would have against such a lawsuit would be to make the valid claim that they never read your script, which is why they won't. They have employees who do nothing but protect them from people like you.

Unless you are someone they already know, or are recommended in some way by someone they know, you will be shut down. In my case, I simply mention that I was a film critic for the LA Weekly and they immediately know, or pretend to know, who I am. If you have no legitimate connection to get you past the gatekeeper, you must bullshit. Say Steven sent you. You're not a bullshitter? Get out of town.

I'm going to assume the worst case scenario and that you are unknown and unrepresented and sending a query to someone of importance who doesn't know you from Adam.

First of all, always address query letters to specific people. Letters addressed to production companies go to the person that whoever's sorting the mail thinks it should go to. That person often resides in the trash. Before sending a query letter, call and ask who the proper person is to submit something to. Get the name of the person you're speaking to as well because THEY'RE the gatekeeper. Try to actually speak to the person you'll be writing to. Don't offer too much information. Pique their interest. Keep it brief and try to get them to invite you to submit something. Start by telling them you have a script you think is right for whoever they represent, and that you don't have representation. They may tell you they don't accept ANYTHING from someone without representation, but it's not true. They've got something you can sign that protects them and allows them to look at your project without worry.

The point of this conversation is to enable you to start your query letter with some variation of "here's what you asked for," whether it's a whole script, a treatment, or just a log line. Secretaries pass along things their bosses asked for and throw away everything else.

Consider it a major victory if you are simply read. Consider it a triumph if they get back to you with a serious reply, even if it's a no. You're developing a relationship. Send something else. And something else. And something else. Barrage them with ideas and maybe one will stick. This is a tactic that actually HAS worked for me. Read this.

My new tactic. In my cover letter, I legally assign any and all rights to the enclosed project to the recipient for a certain period of time. If they read it and want to do something with it within that time (unlikely), I simply assume that they are not thieves and that they will treat me in a professional manner. If they're not interested, all they have to do is nothing since the rights automatically revert back to me in a week and I can get on with my life, assigning the rights to someone else.

I can't claim this tactic works, but I've given it a shot. I gave someone three months and there are still two to go. You're welcome to try it too.

Quiz of the Week

The Constitution applies to the President:

A ) All of the time.
B ) Most of the time.
C ) When it's convenient for the President.
D ) Only on national holidays honoring the Constitution.

- Ironic Times -

Totally Paranoid, Neo-Con Nightmare, Terrorist Extravaganza,

We're All Going to Die Site of the Week

(unless it's all true)

This site has simtests, or more precisely, "3d perspective mapping image base modeling & rendering (TDI 3Design maya)" of flight 77's crash into the Pentagon. No conclusive answers but some very disturbing questions.

Letter of the Week

I was mysteriously sent a PowerPoint presentation about a new corporation called Mondex, which is producing a little caplet that gets injected into your right hand. What's in it? What does it do? Why are they in production to make millions of them? I've scanned it for viruses, looked at it, and posted it here. If you don't have PowerPoint, it's very cool and you can download a free viewer here. Well worth a glance. Be afraid. It's the mark of the beast. Aren't you glad that the powers that be are reading Revelations as though it were the gospel?

"We are in the realm of the hipster here, in the company of men who push a joke as far as it can go for the sheer pleasure of seeing what they can get away with."

- Charles Taylor in his review of The Candy Men by Nile Southern, a book about Terry Southern and Mason Hoffenberg -

"If we do discover a complete theory of the universe, it should in time be understandable, in broad principle, by everyone, not just a few scientists, and we shall all, philosophers, scientists, and just ordinary people, be able to take part in the discussion of the question of why it is that we and the universe exist."

- Stephen Hawking: A Brief History of Time -

"When America puts out its annual report on human rights abuses, we will be a laughingstock. I suggest a special commission headed by Sen. John McCain to dig out everyone responsible, root and branch. If the lawyers don't cooperate, perhaps we should try stripping them, anally raping them and dunking their heads under water until they think they're drowning, and see if that helps."

- Molly Ivins: The Day the Constitution Died -

"Grab that horse and put it back under that idiot."

- the king in The Court Jester -

"A dramatist is one who believes that the pure event, an action involving human beings, is more arresting than any comment that can be made upon it."

- Thornton Wilder -

"If yo' ass know where that shiznit's going, that shiznit's not worth doing, know what I'm sayin'?"
- Frank Gehry shizzolated -

"The Clinton administration's paranoid and prurient interest in (monitoring) international e-mail is a wholly unhealthy precedent especially given this administration's track record on FBI files and IRS snooping. Every medium by which people communicate can be subject to exploitation by those with illegal or immoral intentions. Nevertheless, this is no reason to hand Big Brother the keys to unlock our e-mail diaries, open our ATM records or translate our international communications."

- John Ashcroft as a U.S. senator opposing the Clinton administration's request for broadened authority to eavesdrop on high-tech communications, from his Aug. 12, 1997 op-ed piece in the Washington Times -

"Publicity is justly commended as a remedy for social and industrial diseases. Sunlight is said to be the best of disinfectants; electric light the most efficient policeman."

- Justice Louis Brandeis, 1913 -

"The sneakiest form of literary subtlety, in a corrupt society, is to speak the plain truth. The critics will not understand you; the public will not believe you; your fellow writers will shake their heads."

- Edward Abbey -

"A mass movement and a mountain of disturbing evidence has been growing beneath the radar of U.S. media. The U.S. media (including alternative media) has done an extraordinarily superhuman job of 'hearing' 'seeing' and 'speaking no evil.' However, almost immediately after 9-11-2001's horrendous attacks on New York and Washington D.C., many researchers, ordinary citizens, and journalists [who've been given precious little print in U.S. papers or TV] began to smell something rotten . . . not in Denmark . . . but rather right here in the good ol' US of A."

- The Explosion of the 9-11 Truth Movement -- U.S. Media's Dirty Little Secret -

"The United States faces a real crisis. It's not just the military failure of Bush's policies in Iraq or the discrediting of our armed forces and intelligence agencies as corrupt, incompetent, and criminal. It is above all our international isolation and disgrace because of our contempt for the rule of law. Article six of the U. S. Constitution says, in part, 'all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land.' The Geneva Conventions of 1949 covering the treatment of prisoners of war and civilians in wartime are treaties the U.S. government promoted, signed, and ratified. They are therefore the supreme law of the land. Neither the President nor the Secretary of Defense has the authority to alter them or to choose whether or not to abide by them. President Bush's invention of such hitherto unknown categories as 'illegal combatant,' 'evil-doer,' or 'bad guy' and his claim of a unilateral right to imprison such persons indefinitely, without charging them or giving them access to the courts and legal counsel, is a usurpation of the Constitution. It is precisely why the United States should have ratified the treaty establishing the International Criminal Court. It is intended to deal not only with genuine terrorists and people like Saddam Hussein but also with the kind of crimes President Bush has committed."

- Chalmers Johnson: Our First Victory Was Zapatero (mandatory reading!) -

"Overgrown military establishments are under any form of government inauspicious to liberty, and are to be regarded as particularly hostile to republican liberty."

- George Washington -

"Our military organization today bears little relation to that known by any of my predecessors in peacetime, or indeed by the fighting men of World War II or Korea. Until the latest of our world conflicts, the United States had no armaments industry... But now 3.5 million men and women are directly engaged in the defense establishment. We annually spend on military security more than the net income of all United States corporations. This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is new in the American experience... In the councils of government we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted."

- President Dwight D. Eisenhower's farewell address -

"We are less safe because of [Bush's] policies. He has created more anger and righteous indignation against us as Americans than any leader of our country in the 228 years of our existence as a nation -- because of his attitude of contempt for any person, institution, or nation who disagrees with him."

- Al Gore -

"The roof of an Iraqi home is a sacred place. As much planning goes into it as almost anything else. The roofs are flat and often surrounded by a low wall on which one can lean and look out into the city. During this last year, a certain sort of special bond has formed between your typical Iraqi and the roof of his or her home. We run out to the roof to see where the smoke is coming from after an explosion; we gather on the roof to watch the helicopters flying over head; we reluctantly drag ourselves out to the roof to fill the water tanks when the water is low; we hang clothes to dry on the clotheslines strung out haphazardly across the roof; we sleep on the roof during the endless, powerless nights."

- Baghdad Burning (the best blog in Iraq) -

"Today brings historic news that will for some reason sadden certain Americans. Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th President of the United States, has finally, at long last, succumbed to the terrible disease with which the Good Lord, in all of His mysterious wisdom, chose to slowly and methodically torture him for ten long years."

- statement by the president -

"...a regular statement and account of receipts and expenditures of all public money shall be published from time to time."

- the Constitution of the United States of America, article 1, section 9, clause 7 -

"In the next few hours George Bush could wrap up the coming election. All he will have to do is, in his eulogy, say that the voices he hears speaking to him from his circulatory system are wrong, that stem cell research is not murdering babies, and that he will sign an executive order and legislation to put America in the forefront of stem cell research. The emotional impact upon Widow Nancy would cast its fervor upon all Americans, clinching the election for him. If he does not, he is indeed the moron he seems to be, and Karl Rove is highly overrated."

- Rack Jite -

"Many years ago, I was so innocent I still considered it possible that we could become the humane and reasonable America so many members of my generation used to dream of. We dreamed of such an America during the Great Depression, when there were no jobs. And then we fought and often died for that dream during the Second World War, when there was no peace.

"But I know now that there is not a chance in hell of Americas becoming humane and reasonable. Because power corrupts us, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Human beings are chimpanzees who get crazy drunk on power. By saying that our leaders are power-drunk chimpanzees, am I in danger of wrecking the morale of our soldiers fighting and dying in the Middle East? Their morale, like so many bodies, is already shot to pieces. They are being treated, as I never was, like toys a rich kid got for Christmas.

- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. -

"Father, we are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is."

- Dr. Mark Vonnegut -

"In 1968, as a staff army major in Vietnam, Colin Powell played a direct role in suppressing the inquiry into the My Lai massacre, and into related atrocities against civilians. As a White House fellow during the Watergate years he earned a reputation -- but only for keeping his mouth shut."

- The Associated Press: Iran Contra Alumni in Bush Government -

"Now ignorance is one thing, ignorance can be cured. But many of the Republican leaders opposing this research know better, people like [Senate Majority Leader] Bill Frist, who's a doctor, for God's sake. People like him are blocking it to pander to the 20 percent of their base who are mouth-breathers. And that's unconscionable -- there are lives at stake here. Stem cell research can revolutionize medicine, more than anything since antibiotics."

- Ron Reagan Jr. -

"Our main misconception about the CIA is that it serves US interests. In fact, it has always been the instrument of a dynastic international banking and oil elite (Rothschild, Rockefeller, Morgan) coordinated by the Royal Institute for Internal Affairs in London and their US branch, the Council for Foreign Relations. It was established and peopled by blue bloods from the New York banking establishment and graduates of Yale University's secret pagan 'Skull and Bones' society. Our current President, his father and grandfather fit this profile."

- Henry Makow Ph.D.: Gloria Steinem: How the CIA Used Feminism to Destabilize Society -

"If yo' ass desire destruction, simply ignore da rules 'n provoke those who, if they desire, can destroy yo' ass n' shit. "
- Tirukkural 90: 893-894 shizzolated -

"The laws of war contain obligations relevant to the issue of interrogation techniques and methods. It should be noted, however, that it is the position of the U.S. Government that none of the provisions of the Geneva Convention Relative to the Treatment of Prisoners of War of August 12, 1949 (Third Geneva Convention) apply to al Qaida detainees because, inter alia, al Qaida is not a High Contracting Party to the Convention. As to the Taliban, the U.S. Position is that the provisions of Geneva apply to our present conflict with the Taliban, but that Taliban detainees do not qualify as prisoners of war under Article 4 of the Geneva Convention. The Department of Justice has opined that the Geneva Convention Relative to the Protection of Civilian Personnel in time of War (Fourth Geneva Convention) does not apply to unlawful combatants."

- Leaked Torture Memo Classified by Donald Rumsfeld: Full Text, AKA Working Group Report On Detainee Interrogations in the Global War on Terrorism; Assessment of Legal, Historical, Policy, and Operational Considerations -

"It has become apparent the American public can no longer be easily aroused to go to war over an attack on a US warship at sea. The attack against the USS Cole in a Yemen port in October of 2000 did not significantly raise American sentiments against foreign saboteurs. In the past, contrived attacks on The USS Maine, the Lusitania, and at Pearl Harbor and the Gulf of Tonkin lured the American public into war. So those who plan wars have switched their modus operandi, from offshore to onshore, from boats to buildings. The attacks on the World Trade Centers in New York was convincing enough evidence to eliminate any opposition for President George W. Bush to enter into a '50 years war' against terrorists. Those who dare utter a word of opposition 'are with the terrorists' said President Bush. The American public appears to be oblivious to the fact that wars are planned."

- From Boats To Buildings -

"I was thinking, I don't want to sacrifice my life. I don't want to be in prison. I want to enjoy life; but, since there is nobody in all the world or in Dimona, in Israel, who would do such an act, it had become my responsibility, my own mission."

- Mordechai Vanunu: Why I Had To Tell Israel's Big Secret -

"Some of the points below are compelling. Some are weak or may turn out to be insignificant or coincidental. This is a work in progress, an early overview of discrepancies. There are too many discrepancies and contradictions to dismiss doubts about the video and the official U.S. stories about Berg. Additional inquiry and fact checking are needed as the Berg story unfolds or, rather, unravels."

- decon recon: Nick Berg's Killing: 50 Fishy Circumstances, Contradictory Claims, and Videotape Anomalies -

"Most mention of The Gipper was reverential -- it was the only topic on The McLaughlin Group Therapy Half-hour as John and Pat consoled each other in their grief over the death of the Great Napper, while the ever-astute David Corn threw plenty of cold water on the festivities. But... but... but David, It's McLaugh-in -- where the first three letters in funeral are supposed to be f-u-n! How could you?"

- JJ Balzer: The "No Coattail" Effect -

"All of our final decisions are made in states of mind that do not last."

- Marcel Proust -

"In every article, with every weapon, from sonic weapons to super lubricants to sleep gasses to heat rays, you read how such a device could be used for non-lethal crowd control, i.e. control of rioters.

"So, where are these crowds that are threatening peace and order? It's not like we have weekly riots disrupting the smooth operation of society, yet we spend millions of dollars every year developing ways to subdue rioters...

"A general riot is a sporadic and localized event. The riots in LA after the Rodney King verdict are a good example, as there was massive damage, and some terrible things happened. Yet, in the course of human events, it was far less damaging than a hurricane, not to mention an earthquake (in LA? pshaw!), and it only lasted three days. Time and manpower ended the riot. It has been 12 years since it happened, and nothing on that scale has happened since. So riots aren't that serious of a threat to property or life. You're more likely to be killed by lightning than die in a riot.

"Nevertheless, the military spends millions of dollars developing weapons to meet a threat that virtually doesn't exist. So what do they foresee happening that justifies these expenditures? I don't know.

"Maybe it's time to ask."

- Jeff Crook: uncommonsense -

"It is a gravy thing be rich, that shiznit is a gravy thing be strong, but that shiznit is a better thing be beloved of many friends."
- Euripides shizzolated -

"I don't know if you have heard, but Ronald Reagan is dead. I'm crying as I type. As if developing a touching, sympathetic symptom to honor our affably vague former President, the nation has collectively keened its way into a state of its own historic Alzheimer's. For example, Reagan is suddenly, miraculously more popular than Clinton was when he left office.

"Ronnie discovered the elusiveness of recollection, with adroit perspicacity, within moments of being asked what he knew about illegal Iran-Contra activities. It is, of course, truly sad that Mr. Reagan lost his memory. Wouldn't he be ever so surprised to know that he must have left it lying around somewhere in the White House? Indeed, George W. Bush seems to have stumbled upon it. Why, he is almost certainly using Mr. Reagan's memory right now. Probably not in homage. More likely as something more akin to identity theft."

- Betty Bowers -

"Why did DCI George Tenet suddenly resign on June 3rd, only to be followed a day later by James Pavitt, the CIA's Deputy Director of Operations (DDO)?

"The real reasons, contrary to the saturation spin being put out by major news outlets, have nothing to do with Tenet's role as taking the fall for alleged 9/11 and Iraqi intelligence 'failures' before the upcoming presidential election.

"Both resignations, perhaps soon to be followed by resignations from Colin Powell and his deputy Richard Armitage, are about the imminent and extremely messy demise of George W. Bush and his Neocon administration in a coup d'etat being executed by the Central Intelligence Agency. The coup, in the planning for at least two years, has apparently become an urgent priority as a number of deepening crises threaten a global meltdown."

- Michael C. Ruppert: COUP D'ETAT: The Real Reason Tenet and Pavitt Resigned from the CIA on June 3rd and 4th, Bush, Cheney Indictments in Plame Case Looming -

"You can't compare him who has bread with him who has not."

- Talmud: Yoma 18b -

"Do right and you will be conspicuous."
- Mark Twain -

The Least They Could Do

In honor of President Reagan, the Bush White House switched from M&Ms to jelly beans as the office candy staple for the week.

Everything Else

If you think John Kerry is a douchebag but you're voting for him anyway, you will probably enjoy http://www.johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com/.

These MP3s of Iraqi music are really the bomb.

The GOP is already hard at work making death threats against theater owners planning to show Fahrenheit 911.

A lovely annotated collection of the 14 times Dubya made a public joke about hitting the trifecta. (War, national emergency, recession, hardy har har.)

Very interesting video of Dubya laughing about 9/11.

Here's a map of all 103 power nuclear reactors currently operating in the U.S. along with the area that might be affected by an accident.