I am 14 years old when I watch them carry out Stacy. It doesn't make any sense. Hours ago he'd been sitting there in class just like the rest of us, but now he is babbling incoherently, twisting and squirming in a straight jacket, being none too gently guided outside by two strong men in white coats. He looks at me for one brief second but there is no recognition. He is 12. I never see him again.
I hold the hard boiled egg towards Edgar and he cringes. "Please don't," he says, "I'm not kidding. I'm really quite scared of all fruit and eggs because of something that happened to me when I was a child." Somebody throws Edgar an apple and he screams and ducks under the table, muttering "I'm gonna get him, I'll get them all."
Cary steals a car, smashes it into a tree, and dies the day I leave the boarding school. I blame myself a little, though the only thing I am guilty of is getting released before him. I know how to act normal.
David and I go to his house one day after high school and find his mother wandering the streets naked and making weird popping noises. We guide her inside and cover her up but she won't talk and won't quit grinding her teeth and sucking and popping. They come and take her away in an ambulance, and my mom lets David sleep over at our place.
Tom is convinced that his body is infested with spy germs. We know that it has something to do with his obsession for James Bond movies, since I go to his house once and see the walls of his room covered with movie posters. If anybody ever touches Tom or accidentally brushes up against him, he will have to touch you to get his spy germs back. He will touch his hand to the spot on your body that touched him, then brush his mouth with his hand and suck back in the germs. Once, I touch his shoulder and blow the germs off my hand onto the ass of a women's choir teacher who is bending over. He runs up to her, swats her behind, and runs from the room sucking his hand. Later, he tells the principal that he had to do it to get his spy germs back.
David and I skip school and go downtown to County General Mental Ward to look for his mother. We see hundreds of crazy people on each floor as we ride up the elevator, and as we walk down steel corridors, the sound of clanging doors and the sight of vacant stares overwhelms us, but we find his mom. She is in a paper gown and she can't talk, she just sits there and smiles till we go away.
Pink Floyd has just stopped playing Set the Controls for the Heart of the Sun when he jumps out of his seat in the back of the theater screaming "It's God, it's God!" He runs towards the stage and almost falls off the balcony but is grabbed by guards instead and dragged from the Santa Monica Civic. Pink Floyd then plays Astronomy Domine.
I'm at the beach watching a free concert when a couple guys in Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts pass me a bottle of hideous Boones Farm Wine. I say no thanks but one of them is insistent. To placate him, I grab the wine, put my thumb over the mouth, and pretend to take a swig. They laugh as they pull out their badges and arrest me for drinking in public, having a jolly time as they throw me in a paddy wagon full of dozens of other people who were just enjoying the free music at the beach.
The acting teacher got me working on an affective memory, the specifics of some time or space in the past when I was emotional, getting me to feel the cool grass, the bark of the tree, the morning breeze, the clothes I was wearing, how they looked, how they felt, until suddenly I remembered that she was in there, in there right now with another man, and I started getting angry. I mean what the hell is she doing in there? Don't I mean anything to her anymore? The wind is blowing, the sun is rising, the coat is brown, and I'm crying, crying on a stage and the teacher yells "Say your lines" and I remember that I was supposed to be doing something and somehow the lines from Spoon River Anthology come pouring out but I don't even hear them because I'm still so furious at her and what she did. When it's over, everyone tells me that was the best I've ever been, but I don't even know what I did except get pissed off at something I was trying to forget.
It's 2AM and I hear someone pounding on my front door. I don't answer. I hear the window in the living room open. They're breaking into my apartment. I cower under the covers. There are two of them. I hear them talking. They come into the bedroom and demand I show myself. I peek out. They're cops. They ask me to show some ID. Naked, I get out of bed and search for my wallet. They look at my driver's license, then tell me they found a foot tall pot plant growing on a balcony of my apartment complex. They ask if it's mine. I say no. One of them clearly thinks this is a waste of time and is embarrassed at questioning this naked man who did nothing, but the other is a hard-ass who decides to arrest me. I guess I should be grateful they let me get dressed before putting on the handcuffs.
Ken, a Broadway producer, invites me to his apartment on Fifth Avenue where he talks to me about a play he is producing. He has me read for some of the parts, and asks me to come by the theater the next morning to meet the director. If he doesn't cast me, I can definitely hang out and watch, maybe get work as some sort of assistant. Just as I am leaving he says "Oh, by the way, I'm a pervert." "Excuse me?" "Yeah, in high school I sucked off the entire football team. You ever been sucked off by a guy, Michael?" "Uh, no." "We do it better than girls, we know what feels good. Wanna try me?" "No thank you, I'm straight." "That's too bad. Let me explain something to you." He goes on to tell me that his parents own a major toy company, and their top lines of dolls are named after him and his sister. When he got married, his parents came out with a doll named after his wife, and when their daughter was born, a doll came out named after her. "Millions of children play with miniature replicas of me and my sister's bodies," he screams. "They take the teeny clothes off the dolls, maybe they put them in bed together. Me! In bed with my sister!" "Gee, that's too bad." "Have you ever seen my doll with it's clothes off?" "Not that I can recall." "It looks just like my sister's doll with its clothes off. It doesn't have any genitals. Well I've got genitals. Look at this!" he savagely declares before flopping out his wanger and casually pumping it up. I search for the nearest exit while he mysteriously tries to continue carrying on a normal conversation. "Have you seen any shows?" he remarks without missing a beat, as I dash out the door. And I still shiver in fear whenever I pass a toy store.
I come home to find two Federal agents in my living room. They both wear the same gray suit and tie. They tell me that my brother-in-law has turned me in to the FBI for not registering for the draft. They explain that not registering is an accumulative crime - that every day I didn't register, since the day I turned 18, I was actually committing another felony. They tell me they can put me away for a long time, but they'll give me one more chance. They will call the local draft board the next day at noon, and if I haven't registered, they will come back to get me. They smile at each other.
The acting teacher makes us sit in a circle and look at the person we are the most physically attracted to and honestly tell them why. Then we have to look at the person we are the least physically attracted to and honestly tell them why. To no one's surprise, the beautiful blonde is on the top of every guy's list, and the sweetest young girl, the one who is talented and funny but a little bit plump, is everyone's least attractive. We drive her from the room in tears.
We're on the freeway when Albert tells me that he loves me and threatens to jump out of the car if I don't make love to him. I tell him I am very pleased that he is finally able to admit his homosexuality. I also explain that I have no such deep dark secret to admit, and therefore I have no intention of ever making love to him. He throws open the car door and is halfway out when Jim grabs him and pulls him back in. He sits there quietly the rest of the way home.
Her name is Sarah, and it is a hot date. We meet in acting class, acting together for months before ever going out, then Bingo, a fine dinner at a classy place and we're on our way back to her house. Her dress is short, my waist is thin, it feels right, I know she's going to invite me in. When we get to the door, she quickly looks through her purse, then realizes her dilemma and stops. "Can't find your keys?" I ask. "No, I've got my keys, but there's a slight problem." Turns out that she got her period in the middle of our date. Turns out the lady's room in the restaurant only had Tampax pads, and since she wasn't wearing any underwear, she had no way to keep it on. Then she remembered that she kept her keys on a long leather thong, which she tied around her waist to use as a belt to hold the Tampax on. Now her keys are tied around her waist under her dress. She politely asks me to turn around so that she can quickly lift her skirt, get her keys, and open the door. This is the most difficult request I have ever been asked, but I comply and face the other direction. I hear a couple of grunts but the door doesn't open. "It's too high," she says. "I can't reach it. I've got to stand on something." We search for a box but no go. I politely offer myself. I get down on my hands and knees on her front doorstep and say "stand on my back." She steps up, puts her waist to the door, and goes for the key. It works. I hear the tumblers click. Then I look the other way and see a woman, standing on the sidewalk, watching us. She is going out of her mind. What she sees just does not fit into any of her preconceptions of reality. If life were a cartoon, steam would be coming out of her ears. She is completely mystified and overwhelmed with horror. She doesn't know about the door key. She doesn't know about the Tampax or the leather thong. She doesn't know that there is a perfectly rational explanation for our behavior. She sees what she sees, which seems to be a young man helping a woman fuck a doorknob. I don't blame her for being upset. I don't try to explain. The door opens and Sarah and I duck inside, leaving the woman out there to puzzle it through. Should she call the police? Should she tell anyone? What would she say? Does it give her ideas? Does she tell her husband about it? Do they try it themselves, discretely at home, thinking it's the latest craze? Most likely she merely carries it around with her forever, never telling a soul, keeping it tucked away in memory, filed under "The Most Depraved Thing I've Ever Seen!"
"Everything is silly putty, you know, man? You know? Do you hear me? Everything is SILLY PUTTY, man. It's true. Can you dig it? Are you listening? I mean when you press silly putty against a newspaper, the ink comes off on the putty and you can stretch it around. Well everything is like that, everything. Whatever you touch, anything that comes in contact with your body, a bit of it comes off on you and a bit of you comes off on it. It's not much, just a few molecules maybe, but it happens, man, it happens. It's not as though there are strict boundaries between things. There's no such thing as a solid object, man. Can you name me one thing that's solid? Of course not. There's no exact place where I start and you begin, there are just a bunch of different qualities of density that are constantly moving around and exchanging minute particles, like a big square dance, man, on the sub-atomic level, man, that's where it's at. It's all true. We're already the same person. There are parts of me that are actually part of you just because we shook hands a minute ago, man. I am part of you and you are part of me. It's already happening. The universe is a great place, man, it's great. Everything is everything."
Dino flips out when he walks in the room and sees Nile giving his sister Carol a hit of freebase. He simply springs across the room screaming "I'll kill you! I'll kill you!" until he has Nile by the throat. Carol is so stunned by her first hit of freebase and the sight of her brothers trying to kill each other that she just stands there and screams while I unsuccessfully try to separate them. Finally she helps me pry off Dino. Nile escapes into the corner, breathing heavily but still alive. Finally, Dino leaves with his sister.
The book falls out of his knapsack onto the floor of the bus, so I pick it up and hand it to him. He is grateful beyond comprehension, and immediately starts reading it. I see the cover. It is Finnegan's Wake by James Joyce. Odd enough to find someone on a bus who reads, much less someone who is so absorbed in such a deep text. "I'll never read another book," he explains to me. "This is my tenth time. Have you ever read it?" I can't believe that anybody has actually finished Finnegan's Wake, much less ten times. I've read enough of it to know that it's brilliant and totally unreadable, and I tell him so. Then he explains his dilemma. "Finnegan's Wake begins in the middle of a sentence." He puts in a quick bookmark and flips to the front of the book. "See?" he says. "'riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.' Only if you make it all the way through do you find out that it ends with the beginning of that sentence." He flips to the back of the book and shows me the last sentence. "A way a lone a last a loved a long the..." and he quickly flips back to the first page "riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs." "The first time I read it I got to the end, then flipped back to the beginning to finish the sentence. I kept reading. Now I can't stop. I don't know where to stop. The book is circular. There is no end. Joyce didn't give me an out. I can never stop reading."
And goes to his bookmark starts reading, ignoring the world, missing his stop, sucking in the words, finding new meaning in the inter-lingual jargon, agreeably glued to the pages, trapped for the rest of his life in Finnegan's Wake.
Aurora is convinced that she is the product of a genetic experiment, but she is talented, seems to love me, and can't get enough of me sexually, which seems like a good thing. I let her move in. One night she comes into my bed and starts writhing in agony, claiming she often has these spasms and that it is part of the experiment that didn't quite work out. She tells me that though she is worth millions of dollars, they don't know where she is, and I should hope they never figure it out. Finally she calms down and we start making love. She has this posture she goes into that she says is African, and it allows her to slap her entire body against mine at astonishing speeds. We are the sound of no hands clapping, who knows how long it goes on, our metronome flying, Aurora in total control when she suddenly sits up with me still inside her, showing her whole body to me, panting, almost screaming, grabbing my hands and making me pinch her nipples, reaching under the pillow and handing me a knife, closing my fingers around it, holding the tip to her breast and screaming "kill me, oh God just kill me, please", then freezing, an alabaster statue wrapped around me, the handle of the knife still in my hands, the tip just above her navel and Aurora crying "Push it in, just push it in" which I do, but not the knife. "You coward" she screams, grabbing the knife and running from the room.
Aaron comes by with a friend who keeps his hand in a little bathroom vanity case. He asks me for the rest of his money. I give him all I have, about $600, and tell him it was a slow week. He says "You don't understand. I want my money now!" I tell Aaron not to worry, to come back in a few hours. "Have you seen the movie Deerhunter?" "Yeah, why?" "Because we're gonna play Deerhunter." His friend takes his hand out of the vanity case holding a.357 magnum. He opens up the gun, takes out all the bullets, and puts them in a neat little row on my dresser. "Where's my money?" "I just gave you all I had. It's Sunday, I can't even go to the bank, and I had a slow day." He puts one of the bullets back in the gun, spins the chamber, points the gun at me and pulls the trigger. It just clicks. "What the fuck are you doing? I haven't got any more money. Why would I lie about that? I didn't even know you were coming by so I wasn't prepared. I'll have it all for you tomorrow when the banks open." He puts a second bullet in the gun, spins the chamber, and pulls the trigger. It just clicks. "Jesus Christ, you'll never get a penny of your money back if I'm dead. Why are you doing this? I HAVEN'T GOT ANY MORE MONEY!" He is putting the third bullet in the gun when one of my roommates walks into the room, looks around, and says "oops." They point the gun away from me, at him, and tell him to sit down. They ask him if he has any money, and he gives them all he has. One hood keeps his gun on us while the other searches the house, finding nothing. Finally, we are marched down Hollywood Blvd. at gunpoint by a man with his weapon in his coat pocket. They rip my photo studio apart and find nothing but photo equipment, which they take. They drive back to my place, take all my musical instruments and my cameras, and tell me that if I don't pay them back on Monday, I won't get any of my stuff back and they'll shoot me.
Albert's dad calls me up and tells me that Albert has slashed his wrists but he didn't die. Albert is now in Camarillo. He also admits that Albert isn't his son but his lover, and that since they couldn't get married, he has adopted him. Albert gets better, joins AA, and is now a film producer.
I am in the living room with several guests when Aurora stumbles down the stairs in a torn nightgown with blood dripping from the corner of her mouth crying "My pills, where are my pills?" I ask her what pills and she laughs and runs to the kitchen. We all just sit there, silent and nervous, while she noisily searches. Finally she harumphs past us back to bed and we continue our conversation.
Nile looks at his brother Dino lying there in the coffin and he starts sobbing. He tries to climb into the casket. He kisses his brother and tries to wipe off the Forest Lawn make-up. He takes out a freebase pipe and torch, takes one long massive hit, exhales, puts another enormous rock on the pipe and gives it to his brother. "I leave Dino my last hit of freebase," he says while closing the coffin. "From now on whenever I get the urge to smoke again, I will remember my last pipe and how it lies with my dead brother." Later he admits that after I left he opened the coffin back up and smoked the last rock.
Aurora starts screaming and she won't stop. She sets my bed on fire and starts laughing hysterically. Suddenly she produces a gun and I run outside. Using a trashcan lid for protection against gunfire, I grab a hose and run upstairs to put out my bedroom. The police are convinced that it is just another domestic squabble. I tell them that she is crazy but they don't believe me. They politely ask her to leave and she does.
John is obviously tired. He is sitting at the back of the ZeroZero, watching people dance, listening to very loud music, aware that his presence in the room is known by all. He is on the cover of Rolling Stone and TV Guide that very week, so he is royalty. Somebody dancing spills a beer on him. John does nothing, just sits there, neither indignant nor angry, no reaction at all. The dancer laughs and spills more of his beer on John, obviously hoping for some sort of response. He gets none. A bunch of others join in, and pretty soon it turns into "Let's Spill our Beer on John Night." John becomes soaking wet but he takes it like a Buddha. He simply reaches out, puts his hand on my shoulder, and I lead him through the rain of beers and out of the club.
I am not amused that Janet has brought a pet rat along. She has come to visit me in a hotel in Seattle and I know that the maid will not appreciate the presence of a rodent. The management isn't amused when Janet starts throwing all the furniture out the window while screaming at the top of her lungs, "You don't love me!" The police threaten to take her away unless I take her away, but I have no money or credit cards. We stay up all night at a psychiatric clinic where I try to convince them that she is crazy and she tries to convince them that I am crazy.
I am second in line when a large man wearing a baseball cap walks into the health food store and shoots the cashier in the back. The man in line ahead of me looks at his cashier, a young man lying bleeding on the floor, and he surreptitiously walks out of the store without paying for his kefir.
Janet has her sister call to tell me she has been killed in a bus wreck. She wants to hear my reaction, to see if I really care, but her sister is so clumsy at the impersonation of an official that I know right away what is happening.
"So what have you done lately for the PLANET, man? Don't you realize that we're all about to blow ourselves UP and that all that matters is your personal relationship with the goddam INFINITE? It's happening, man, right in front of you only you don't see it. Nobody sees it. "Which is why you've got to hear this song I wrote, man. This is the song that can change everything, man, I mean it, but only if everyone on earth hears it at exactly the same time. You'll see what I mean when I play you the song because like the video is gonna have them on their knees, man. Of course my record company hasn't exactly approved of the video yet, man, because it's got the world's biggest tracking shot, man. Can you dig a steady-cam flying across the whole fucking universe until it stops right in the center of my brain, man? Won't that be far out? I'm gonna blow this label off if they don't let me make my video, man. "I've read your stuff and I think you're cool, man, not like those other assholes, so could you just listen to this song so you can say somewhere in the L.A. WEEKLY that it would make a great video that could possibly save the whole fucking PLANET from DESTROYING ITSELF!? Then my record company will read it and they'll actually make the video and the world won't explode and it will be all thanks to you, man, all thanks to you. "I haven't recorded the song yet since I don't want them to rip me off, so you're going to have to come over to my place in Topanga Canyon so I can play it for you. You'll really dig it, man, cause it's really quiet out here since like there's no one around for miles. I'll call you tomorrow sixteen times because it's IMPORTANT!"
Amanda comes over and steals a contraceptive sponge from my medicine cabinet in order to fuck someone else. When I find out, I run to her house and demand that she return it to me immediately, wherever it is. She runs into the bedroom. I know he is there and that she is scared. She eventually comes back out with it. It is unused. She refuses to open the front door screen to return it to me, so she tears it from its wrapper and starts rubbing it all over the floor till it is very dirty. "There", she screams, "I'm definitely not going to put that in my body, okay?" I don't know what I wanted but that wasn't it.
Inga calls to tell me that they have taken away David. Like his mom, he has been found wandering the streets naked and babbling incoherently. Unlike his mom, he has smashed his apartment to bits and we have to go clean up. He has been handcuffed and taken to County General where we're told he's in for a mandatory 14 days since he needs restraints. On his bed are our high school yearbooks. The goldfish tank has broken all over his files, and everything is wet and scattered across the living room. While we sweep, I wonder if it is genetic or if he was just imitating what he saw his mother do 20 years previously. We load all his electronic equipment into Inga's car. He is released three days later. He tells me they called it a drug induced psychotic episode. He looks fine. Now he's gotten a fine job as a publicist.
I tell David dozens of my ideas and he hires me to write for his upcoming TV variety special. It will be his very first chance to direct a major movie star, Chevy Chase, and a meeting is arranged. There are four of us: Chevy, Harold Ramis, David, and me. We are supposed to figure out what the show is going to be, but one by one, David tells them his ideas, and one by one Chevy and Harold shoot them down. They then come up with their own ideas, which David doesn't like. We are at an impasse. None of them like each other's ideas, but the contracts are signed and it is getting late. Finally, Chevy says "Why don't we satirize Michael Jackson's new MTV video?" David looks at me. Just that morning, I had told him the exact same thing, and had come up with a way to do it. I am about to open my mouth and save the day when David gives me an intense stare, opening his coat so that only I can see a gun tucked into his belt. The message is clear - Don't tell them your idea. This is my show and it's going to be full of nothing but my ideas, so don't even think about shooting your mouth off. I keep my mouth shut. Chevy doesn't get to do anything he wants to do, and he eventually quits the show after he is beaten up by an audience member who jumps on stage during the actual shooting of the opening monologue.
My cat has disappeared for more than a week when a strange smell appears in my bathroom, a cross between rotten meat and very ripe cheese. Apparently, my cat has crawled under the building and up through the wall, where she got stuck, and died. I have absolutely no idea how to get her out, and the scent is becoming overpowering. I call every exterminator in the phone book, and they all say they don't do such jobs. Finally, one exterminator explains that, though they won't do it themselves, they know someone who will. Apparently, there are these two guys who hang around the exterminator's office just waiting for jobs like this. One is short, the other is tall. They look like they never see the sun. They are dressed in black. "Where's the dead cat?" they say, smiling. I lead them to the bathroom and leave the house. They do the job, and they seem to enjoy it.
Janet is not pleased that the pediatrician has brought the staff psychiatrist into the examination room. She paces the small chamber clutching her baby, as though she can tell from the looks in their eyes what they are going to do next. She keeps yelling that she wants to kill me, that they are all ganging up on her, that she knows what they are up to, oh yes, and they aren't going to get away with it, she will never let anyone fuck her over again, certainly not bitches like them who don't know what they are TALKING about, goddam it, so leave me alone, just don't touch me, just LEAVE me alone and don't touch my baby, you understand, he's MINE, you people are all alike, oh Gee, you don't understand, how COULD you, oh Gosh, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you all.
MD
"Many red devils ran from my heart And out upon the page, They were so tiny The pen could mash them. And many struggled in the ink. It was strange To write in this red muck Of things from my heart."
- Stephen Crane: The Black Rider & Other Lines -
News That Shouldn't'a Been News
Alec and Ireland Baldwin in happier times
I tried to ignore it. Personally, I didn't need to be reminded that things get vicious during a custody battle - where one's only course of action is to denigrate the parenting skills of the other while humbly praising your own, where it's your obligation to prove to the court that your own child isn't doing as well with your mate as they are with you. Every custody battle contains testimony that one parent is producing a demon from hell whereas the other is producing the next Dalai Lama. Remember Kramer vs. Kramer, where Kramer loses custody because the kid falls off a jungle gym? Totally standard practice. Happens hundreds of times a day in family court, where moms and dads routinely testify that the other is an incompetent parent.
So a famous actress, Kim Basinger, "went public" with a tape of hubby leaving a message on his daughter's answer machine, a famous actor, Alec Baldwin, out of context, frustrated that she seems to be avoiding his calls, seemingly putting down his own daughter while actually denigrating his partner's parenting skills, once again, standard practice in a custody battle.
So that's not the story. Happens every day. Who gives a shit.
The story is that someone "went public" with something immensely private that happens every day and the media went "good idea," let's tell everyone. Christ, if Sanjaya "went public" with the fact he took a dump today, they'd ask him to recreate the event on The Tonight Show.
Since every parent on the planet earth has gotten one good look at their kid's room and called them a pig, obviously a celebrity calling their kid a pig isn't "news" by any stretch of the imagination. Mr. Conspiracy says it's just like the Clinton affair, the right wing media simply using another opportunity to take a potshot at a vocal lefty.
I can't imagine this item passing my desk and deciding it was news. Just because someone "goes public" with something doesn't make it news. That the media was so easily manipulated in a custody battle is thoroughly insulting.
I downloaded the MP3 and it's embarrassing to listen to, clearly a private matter, one piece of a conversation that sounds bad out of context. The overwhelming feeling isn't anger at Baldwin but anger at the bastards who invaded his privacy. Ken Starr was the bad guy, not Bill Clinton, and Kim Basinger's the bad guy here, not Alec Baldwin.
At the same time that too many parents were burying their children, one mother was burying her ex, with the media's help. Why did the media decide to take sides in this custody battle? The mother certainly made the same sort of disparaging remarks about the state of her daughter while in the father's custody, only the father either wasn't devious enough to tape it or vindictive enough to air it.
When I was involved in my own custody battle, I was ordered by the judge to take a parenting class. I resented it, like we all resent doing things we're forced to do, but that didn't stop me from actually learning something. My instructor, Dr. Jayne Major, turned out to be damn good at teaching things to people who might not want to learn.
The number one lesson that I carried with me was that kids believe you. Obvious one would think, but follow-through's a bitch. Of course they believe you when you say "Don't touch a hot stove" or "Brushing your teeth prevents cavities." The problem is they also believe you when you say "You're an idiot." If your child does something stupid or clumsy or acts obnoxious, as all children do on occasion, if you respond by saying "You're so clumsy" or "You're obnoxious" or "You're so stupid," they don't see it as criticism, they see it as a mandate. They believe you. They think "I shouldn't touch a hot stove," "I should brush my teeth," "I'm clumsy," "I'm obnoxious," or "I'm stupid," and they carry that with them throughout their lives. (In my case, "You'll never amount to anything." Thanks dad.)
There's a really easy solution. Don't personalize it. Don't say "You're clumsy," say "That was really clumsy." Don't say "You're obnoxious," say "How could you act so obnoxious?" Don't say "You're stupid," say "That was a really stupid thing to do," or even better, "For someone so bright, that was really stupid."
That's a lesson Alec Baldwin still hasn't learned. Instead of saying to his daughter "You're a rude, thoughtless little pig," he should have followed Dr. Major's advice and said something less destructive, something we've all said to our kids, "What are you, a fucking pig?" Now THAT would have been good parenting.
I've been alternating between reading The Secret and The Truth About Bullshit. Funny how complementary these two disparate books can be, which has led me to the concept of Secret Bullshit, based on a psychological notion that in order to deceive others you need to deceive yourself.
So, take the CBS lawyers who agreed to the stipulation in Don Imus contract that he be given a warning before being fired for doing what they hired him to do in the first place, known as the dog has one bite clause. Well, their secret bullshit - bound to become their defense in court - is that although Imus wasn't warned after referring to Washington Post media columnist Howard Kurtz as a "boner-nosed, beanie-wearing Jewboy," they still had the right to fire him for saying "nappy-headed hos."
Now there's Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the D.C. Madam, who wants all those former clients to follow the lead of ex-Deputy Secretary of State Randall Tobias and testify that they also hired those gals only for a massage, never for sex. OK, everybody say, "Yeah, right." Ironically, once they're outed, won't they gladly reinforce Palfrey's secret bullshit with their own in order to correspond with what they must now tell their wives?
And finally, the spectacle of ten white male Republican presidential candidates all vying to become the leader of the western world by competing to see which one most disbelieves in evolution, has itself become the Dinosaur Follies. Their utter disdain for stem cell research and their unquestioning support of the invasion-turned-occupation of Iraq are two sides of that same secret bullshit.
You can watch secret bullshit becoming public bullshit as the language becomes increasingly perverted, ranging from the Bush doctrine that the new winning is not winning, to the cavalier morphing of the word debate to mean that candidates are not permitted to ask each other any questions - the very antithesis of what a debate originally meant.
"They should call it an AA meeting," my wife Nancy observed. "No cross-talk allowed." She is an instinctive detector of secret bullshit when expressed publicly, that transcends political correctness. As the pundits discuss the merits of stiffer sentences for hate crimes, Nancy wonders aloud, "And what are the others - love crimes?"
Scumbags of the Week
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) has decided that their copyright on the word "Oscar" applies to anyone who dares to simply make comments on the Oscar. They filed suit in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles, accusing the Web site oscarwatch.com of trademark infringement. The action seeks injunctive relief plus damages, but AMPAS' attorney said the big aim is to halt the site's use of the Oscar name.
According to Yahoo, "AMPAS in February ordered site proprietor Sasha Stone to cease operating under her current domain registration and threatened legal action if the order went unmet. The Academy suggested in March that Stone might remedy the situation by switching to a different domain name and limiting any use of the name Oscarwatch to subdomains within the site, according to the AMPAS suit.
Contacted by a reporter for comment, Stone said: "I am not trying to exploit the Academy's trademark to offer competing goods and services. Rather, I am offering commentary that directly addresses the Oscars awards, a topic of great interest to the general public, thanks largely to the efforts of the Academy itself. I believe that the use of (Oscarwatch) to describe commentary about the Oscars is that of fair use."
My Childhood is a fabulous read. Life is a trip. Thanks. Do more of this.
- Frank Cavestani
If you were a stand-up, I'd stand in the back and watch you.
- Larry Hankin
Mr. Dare,
I don't know what are your plans for an autobiography, if you have written the full scale of it or intend to promote your writings as such, but I was completely captivated. Surely, this is the premise of a memorable screenplay, at the very least.
One of life's insults that perplexes me most is how truly brilliant minds of creative genius so often seem to be perpetually at odds with realizing their full potential and the ability to lay claim to greatness, primarily in the form of significant recognition and cold hard cash.
I, for one, would pay the price of a hardcover to read it - a new hardcover from one of those expensive hotel book shops with organic bagels and espresso served in porcelain demi tasse. In other words, surely the story of your life would sell well.
I have been in that position a few times at school, seen the kid who is obviously gifted on a level far beyond his peers and instructors, stuck in the corner, struggling with the strictures of cookie-cutter education, doodling ideas that speak of talents the rest of us can only marvel. And I have seen what just a few words of encouragement and understanding can do to help them see that those years coming of age are such a small part of the great expanse of destiny. It staggers the imagination what those kids could accomplish if only more of their educators had the wisdom and resources to cultivate their abilities.
Thank you for sharing your personal struggles. Few biographies, in my opinion, prove more interesting than a life lived in full pursuit of breaking free from the status quo.
- Kristen Twedt
Michael,
This is a wonderful piece you've written and should be a chapter in a book of your life. You don't need a therapist, you just need to continue to believe in how smart you are, how well you write, and how someday, someone is going to realize this and do something for you.
Answers to Last Week's Surprisingly Erudite Stupid Question
For me, it was Martian Chronicles. What book turned you on to books?
Have Spacesuit, Will Travel by Robert Heinlein. I found it in the school library when I was in third grade.
- Robin Reed
War of the Worlds. Bought it at my first bookfair at school. Hadn't learned yet that the cover art rarely has anything to do with contents, but this one,surprisingly, did. Actually I (should)have to say Tom Sawyer, as our 3rd grade teacher was reading it out loud and I figured out that I could read ahead and know what was going on before everyone else. Even then I was a smart ass little prick.
- Fred Robinson
At age eight I read Tom Sawyer, and loved it. A year later I read Huckleberry Finn, and was unimpressed. As an adult the former is basically a kid's book. The latter I acknowledge is by far the greater work. Still, one cannot escape the treasured literary reference of swinging a dead rat at the end of a string to escape drudgery or toil.
Now that the obligatory truth is out of the way - hey, the name IS bookmonger for a reason - Dr. Cobb's Game by R.V. Cassill, which I read between the two Twain works, was what lead me to discover that books began my love of books. It contained what I would later learn is forbidden knowledge. F'rinstance, it is amazing the uses which can be found for a sable hair artist's brush.
- Herr Bookmonger
Does The Cat in the Hat count? Oh, you mean adult books. Oddly it was Arthur Hailey's Hotel.
- Michelle
What book turned me on to books? That's hard to answer, since I can't remember a time when I wasn't into books. Perhaps it was the Tom Swift Jr. series, which my mother used to read to us before we could read. Perhaps it was My Father's Dragon, which I read in first grade, and was the first time I actively sought out sequels. Dr. Seuss, Andre Norton, Beverly Clearly, Edward Eager, Mark Twain, Robert Heinlein... many more, going back so far I don't remember the first encounter.
A true story: One afternoon, I was watching a rerun of Alfred Hitchcock Presents. It was an episode entitled The Jar staring Pat Butram, an old friend from Green Acres. Even through it was daylight and I was safe at home, The Jar scared the shit out of me. The credit came on: from a story by Ray Bradbury. I ran to my bedroom, checked the several Bradbury anthologies on my To Be Read shelf. Sure enough, The Jar was in October Country.
I had read a lot of Bradbury up to that point, mostly his science fiction such as The Martian Chronicles, but geeze. To this day, I have never read October Country or any of the horror anthologies.
- TTFN, Baron Dave Romm
Tarzan of the Apes by Edgar Rice Burroughs
- Harry Marsh
Slaughterhouse Five and Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut got me started.
- Rick in Maryland
Conan the Conqueror by Robert E. Howard. Picked it up at a garage sale when I was in 5th grade.
- Jeff Crook
Tom Jones by Henry Fielding and Ivanhoe by Sir Walter Scott (I read them both about the same time in JHS.) I'd read a bunch of juvy sci-fi before that, but these really turned my attitude to reading into a serious Jones. Am I the only one who ever notices that Elizabeth Taylor was the only age appropriate casting in the love triangle in the screen version of the latter?
- Mary Jane Hovanec
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* but were Afraid to Ask by David Reuben
- Joe
Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain. I'm a girl but I really wanted to ride that raft with him and Huck.
- Linda Clause
Having read literally thousands of books in my life it is tough to name just one. But if I was going to pick one "life-changing" book it would have to be The Stand by Stephen King. King turned me onto a whole new genre of reading and let me know that long novels could be both interesting and entertaining. I have never looked back.
- Paul Croft
Tom Sawyer.
- Villy
Wind in The Willows, when I was 5.
- Paul
In my case, it was two: The Naked and the Dead by Norman Mailer and The Carpetbaggers by Harold Robbins, of all things. My Dad was a voracious reader of all kinds of things, from literature to slop, and he had the books laying around the house. When he found out I had read them, I thought he'd be mad, but he just laughed. I was in grade school at the time and smart enough not to turn in any book reports on the two steamy bestsellers, which I'm pretty sure back then would have led to his arrest for corrupting the morals of a minor.
- R. S. Janes
Another Stupid Question
Have you ever seen someone go mad, not on TV, but right in front of your eyes? Surely I'm not the only one. Tell me about it here.
Extra special bonus stupid question: It's a scene from a movie I remember seeing. I've searched all over and can't figure out what movie it's from. It's not listed in Quotes at the IMDB. A guy walks up to another guy in a car and says "Do you remember your birth?" The guy in the car says "No, why?" The other guy says "Because you're going to relive it," then reaches in, grabs the guy by the lapels and pulls him out the window of his car. Please answer here.
Why They Love Us
Check out this video of US soldiers driving a Hummvee down a Baghdad Street.
"The occult is peculiar in that it is almost designed to elicit creative over-interpretation - it encourages the reader to start connecting x and y, planets and roses, and drawing links between different texts until an immense quasi-conspiracy of signification arises. This process, once unleashed, takes on a life of its own, and takes one on a journey from which you never altogether return."
"A few weeks ago, someone stopped me on 7th Avenue.
"'Remember me?' he asked. I don't always remember the names of my former students, but I usually remember the faces. I didn't this time, but he could have been an early drop-out.
"I said hello to be polite, and he asked, 'Where are you now?'
"'Still teaching.'
"It didn't seem to register with him.
"'Know what happened to me?' he asked. 'They gave me the wrong meds. Prozac. It blew out my kidneys.'
"'Will you be returning to school?' I asked.
"'I can't! I need new kidneys! In fact, that's why I stopped you.' Suddenly, I realized that I was talking to a total stranger.
"'I'm sorry. I can't help you,' I said, and walked away.
"Only in New York.
"Only in New York, could you meet someone pan-handling for kidneys."
"Four years after a humiliating strut across the flight deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, four years after declaring major combat operations in Iraq ended and the mission accomplished, four years and more than three thousand dead American soldiers later, four long years to the day, George W. Bush delivered a veto that only ensures more wretched and bloody carnage. The now-vetoed, multi-billion-dollar Iraq spending bill, which contained withdrawal timelines demanded by Congressional Democrats, 'substitutes the opinions of politicians for the judgments of our military commanders,' according to Bush. Many of us must have missed the memo explaining how Bush, Cheney, and the rest of this administration aren't politicians anymore. We also missed the memo explaining how it was the 'judgments of our military commanders' that sunk us into this mess to begin with."
"When an honestly mistaken man comes face-to-face with the truth, then he must either cease being mistaken or stop being honest."
- Bokonon -
"History records that the money-changers have used every form of abuse, intrigue, deceit, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and its issuance."
- James Madison -
"Banking was conceived in iniquity and born in sin. Bankers own the earth; take it away from them but leave them with the power to create credit; and, with a flick of a pen, they will create enough money to buy it back again. Take this power away from them and all great fortunes like mine will disappear, and they ought to disappear, for then this world would be a happier and better world to live in. But if you want to be slaves of bankers and pay the cost of your own slavery, then let the bankers control money and control credit."
- Sir Josiah Stamp: Director of the Bank of England in 1940 -
"A great industrial Nation is controlled by its system of credit. Our system of credit is concentrated. The growth of the Nation and all our activities are in the hands of a few men. We have come to be one of the worst ruled, one of the most completely controlled and dominated Governments in the world - no longer a Government of free opinion, no longer a Government by conviction and vote of the majority, but a Government by the opinion and duress of small groups of dominant men."
- Woodrow Wilson -
"The real truth of the matter is, as you and I know, that a financial element in the larger centers has owned the Government ever since the days of Andrew Jackson."
- Franklin Roosevelt -
"I have never seen more Senators express discontent with their jobs....I think the major cause is that, deep down in our hearts, we have been accomplices in doing something terrible and unforgivable to our wonderful country. Deep down in our heart, we know that we have given our children a legacy of bankruptcy. We have defrauded our country to get ourselves elected."
- John Danforth (R-Mo) -
"100% of what is collected is absorbed solely by interest on the Federal Debt ... all individual income tax revenues are gone before one nickel is spent on the services taxpayers expect from government."
- 1984 Grace Commission Report to President Reagan -
"War is just a racket. A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of people. Only a small inside group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few at the expense of the masses."
- Major General Smedley D. Butler -
"Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable."
- JFK -
"You officers amuse yourselves with God knows what buffooneries and never dream in the least of serious service. This is a source of stupidity which would become most dangerous in case of a serious conflict."
- Frederick the Great -
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't."
- Kilgore Trout -
"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
Disinfotainment Today is the product of a problem child so don't upset us if you know what's good for you. We think everything is fair use and that people who sue for copyright infringement when they didn't actually lose anything should be flayed in the nearest mall. Disinfotainment Today is sure that you shouldn't believe anything, including this. Don't take insults personally. What are you, a gullible idiot?
Trevor Butterworth: Dandy with a taste for literary spats (ft.com)
The wit of Oscar Wilde is often more clever than insightful, but when he declared that "one's first duty in life is to assume a pose", he may have been on to something: clothes don't just make the man; they can, if unchanging in style and sufficiently de trop, make him look ageless.
Through fire and ice (guardian.co.uk)
The Norwegians' architecture stands up to glaciers, snowstorms and dangerous drivers - and it still looks beautiful. They could teach us a few things, says Jonathan Glancey.
Study: Doing Good Makes You Feel Good (livescience.com)
There's a new incentive to doing good things for others: It makes you happier, according to a new studyŠ [Researchers] found that the more people participated in meaningful activities, the happier they were and the more purposeful their lives felt. Pleasure-seeking behaviors, on the other hand, did not make people happier.
Robin Lloyd: The Keys to Happiness, and Why We Don't Use Them (livescience.com)
Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California at Riverside has discovered that the road toward a more satisfying and meaningful life involves a recipe repeated in schools, churches and synagogues. Make lists of things for which you're grateful in your life, practice random acts of kindness, forgive your enemies, notice life's small pleasures, take care of your health, practice positive thinking, and invest time and energy into friendships and family.
Just thought I would tell you that when I clicked on the "thoughts of the average american" link, my pc was infected with the following….
DriveCleaner is a misleading application, which gives exaggerated reports of security and privacy risks on a computer. The program then prompts the user to purchase a registered version of the software in order to remove the reported risks.
Since I often check your site from work, I'm probably going to have to explain to our IT people how this file ended up on my pc. I know you are busy and you have to rely on your readers to be smart, so if you could remind them not to send links that do this kinda of stuff, maybe that might help. This is the first time I've ever had a problem from one of your links.
ducks
Thanks for the heads up, ducks!
Dropped a note to Alec, and here's his response...
Blech, gross. It's most definitely not me proactively providing this, I
believe it may be one of my advertisers (I think Clicksor, actually).
I'll get it removed ASAP.
Thanks,
Alec
Not that it'll matter to your IT folks, ducks, but it wasn't intentional.
OTOH, it's another reason I swear by the fabulous Marc Perkel and Ctyme, his dependable and reliable (with no hidden sponsors) hosting service.
CBS begins the night with a FRESH'NCIS', followed by the SEASON FINALE'The Unit', then a RERUN'Without A Trace'.
Scheduled on a FRESHDave are Jane Fonda, Tom Ruprecht, and Kelly Clarkson.
Scheduled on a FRESHCraig are Garry Shandling, Julianne Nicholson, and Lynne Koplitz.
NBC starts the night with 'Dateline', followed by a FRESH'Law & Order: Criminal Intent', then a FRESH'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit'.
Scheduled on a FRESHLeno are Matthew Fox, Larry the Cable Guy, and Feist.
Scheduled on a FRESHConan are Zach Braff, DJ Qualls, and Jimmy Carr.
Scheduled on a FRESHCarson Daly are Harold Perrineau and Bloc Party.
ABC opens the night with a FRESH hourlong 'George Lopez', followed by a FRESH'Dancing With The Stars', then a FRESH'Boston Legal'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJimmy Kimmel are Carmen Electra, the latest "Dancing with the Stars" castoff, and Blake Shelton.
The CW offers a FRESH'Gilmore Girls', followed by a FRESH'Veronica Mars'.
Faux has a FRESH'American Idol', followed by a FRESH'House'.
MY has the FRESH'Hooters Dream Girl Challenge'.
A&E has 'Cold Case Files', 'CSI: The 2nd One', 'Dog The Bounty Hunter', another 'Dog The Bounty Hunter', 'Driving Force', and another 'Driving Force'.
AMC offers the movie 'Guarding Tess', followed by the movie 'Volcano', then the movie 'Ladder 49'.
BBC -
[12:00 PM] Gordon Ramsay's F Word - Episode 1;
[1:00 PM] What Not To Wear - Ep. 1 Vanessa;
[1:30 PM] What Not To Wear - Ep. 2 Mikael;
[2:00 PM] The Weakest Link - Episode 101;
[3:00 PM] How Clean Is Your House? - Episode 14;
[3:30 PM] How Clean Is Your House? - Episode 15;
[4:00 PM] Changing Rooms - Ep. 12 Chertsey;
[4:30 PM] Changing Rooms - Ep. 13 Formby;
[5:00 PM] Footballers Wive$ - Episode 7;
[6:00 PM] The Weakest Link - Episode 102;
[7:00 PM] BBC World News - BBC World News;
[7:30 PM] How Clean Is Your House? - Episode 10;
[8:00 PM] Robin Hood - Ep 9 A Thing Or Two About Loyalty;
[9:00 PM] Robin Hood - Ep 10 Peace? Off!;
[10:00 PM] Footballers Wive$ - Episode 8;
[11:00 PM] Robin Hood - Ep 9 A Thing Or Two About Loyalty;
[12:00 AM] Robin Hood - Ep 10 Peace? Off!;
[1:00 AM] Footballers Wive$ - Episode 8;
[2:00 AM] The Weakest Link - Episode 101;
[3:00 AM] The Saint - Ep. 1 Legacy For the Saint;
[4:00 AM] The Saint - Ep. 2 The Desperate Diplomat;
[5:00 AM] The Saint - Ep. 3 The Organisation Man;
[6:00 AM] BBC World News - BBC World News. (ALL TIMES EDT)
Comedy Central has 'Scrubs', another 'Scrubs', last night's 'Jon Stewart', last night's 'Colbert Report', 'Chappelle's Show', 'South Park', 'Mind Of Mencia', and another 'Mind Of Mencia'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJon Stewart is George Tenet.
Scheduled on a FRESHColbert Report is Nassim Nicholas Taleb.
FX has the movie 'The Green Mile', followed by a FRESH'The Shield'.
History has 'Modern Marvels', 'Biography: Osama bin Laden', and 'The Spanish-American War: First Intervention'.
IFC -
[06:40 AM] Karate Bear Fighter;
[08:15 AM] Media Lab Shorts Uploaded;
[08:45 AM] Chop Socky: Cinema Hong Kong;
[09:45 AM] Karate Bull Fighter;
[11:15 AM] Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle;
[01:25 PM] Kingdom Come;
[03:05 PM] Red Bull Ride to the Hills;
[03:35 PM] Karate Bull Fighter;
[05:10 PM] Kingdom Come;
[06:50 PM] Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle;
[09:00 PM] My Left Foot;
[10:50 PM] The Celebration;
[12:35 AM] Dancer in the Dark;
[03:00 AM] My Left Foot;
[04:50 AM] The Celebration. (ALL TIMES EDT)
SciFi has 'Special Unit 2', another 'Special Unit 2', still another 'Special Unit 2', and 'ECW'.
Sundance -
[05:00 AM] Monsterthursday;
[07:00 AM] Taking Off;
[08:00 AM] The Public Eye;
[10:00 AM] Summer of the Serpent;
[11:00 AM] Keep Not Silent;
[12:00 PM] The Tesseract;
[01:00 PM] Taking Off;
[03:00 PM] The Public Eye;
[05:00 PM] K;
[06:00 PM] Episode 4;
[06:00 PM] Dallas 362;
[09:00 PM] Wear;
[09:00 PM] Art from the Arctic;
[10:00 PM] Wear;
[11:00 PM] Dirty Filthy Love;
[12:00 AM] K;
[02:00 AM] Episode 4;
[02:00 AM] Episode 5: Hot Spot;
[03:00 AM] Down to the Bone;
[05:00 AM] The Tesseract. (ALL TIMES EDT)
Actor Michael J. Fox, who is afflicted with Parkinson's Disease, delivers an address to the Bio International Convention in Boston, Monday, May 7, 2007. Fox appealed to scientists and investors to aggressively translate scientific research into creative treatments for debilitating diseases, including Parkinson's, the disease he has fought for more than a decade.
Photo by Charles Krupa
A day after his biggest nude shoot ever, U.S. photographer Spencer Tunick on Monday photographed a group of 105 naked women resembling Frida Kahlo, the eccentric artist known for her intensely personal paintings and often outrageous style.
"There were 105 Fridas, 105 women with long black hair to pay tribute to Frida Kahlo," said Marco Antonio Hernandez, Tunick's promoter.
The models were selected from the estimated 18,000 people who stripped for Tunick the previous dawn in Mexico City's vast main square.
Craig Newmark might not be the most obvious choice for a speaker at a conference of newspaper publishers, considering that his Web site Craigslist is often seen as a rival to newspapers by siphoning away lucrative classified advertising.
What, then, to make of his suggestion to the publishers that they follow the lead of late night cable TV hosts Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert?
Declaring those two shows his primary source of news, Newmark told the annual convention of the Newspaper Association of America, an industry group, that Stewart provided a valuable service by juxtaposing video clips of lobbyists and other public officials giving contradicting statements at different times.
In this undated photo released by Bonhams & Butterfields, an RIAA gold record presented to the Grateful Dead for the 1971 album 'Grateful Dead' (aka 'Skull and Roses'), is seen. On Tuesday, May 8, 2007, die hard Grateful Dead fans will be able to bid on memorabilia collected by the group's longtime road manager. The items are expected to bring in a half-million dollars.
Helen Mirren, who won an Oscar for playing Queen Elizabeth II, has turned down an invitation to dinner at Buckingham Palace, a British newspaper reported.
The Mail on Sunday said Mirren had been invited to dine with the queen last week, but sent her regrets because she is filming "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" in the United States.
"The palace very kindly extended an invitation to dinner last Tuesday, May 1," Mirren said in a statement quoted by the newspaper. "But, unfortunately, I was filming in South Dakota and unable to change my schedule. I am very sad not to have been able to attend."
The only synagogue ever designed by Frank Lloyd Wright has been designated a National Historic Landmark.
Beth Sholom, a soaring glass-and-concrete temple just outside Philadelphia, began welcoming worshippers nearly 50 years ago. On Sunday, the National Park Service recognized it as one of the architect's greatest achievements.
Beth Sholom was one of three Wright buildings given status as National Historic Landmarks last month. The others were the Hollyhock House in Los Angeles and the Price Tower in Bartlesville, Okla. They join other Wright buildings on the list, including his home in Oak Park, Ill., Fallingwater in western Pennsylvania and Taliesen West in Arizona.
The sprawling estate of the wealthy family that inspired "The Philadelphia Story" is up for sale.
Ardrossan, named after the Montgomery ancestral home in Ayrshire, Scotland, has been a retreat for the privileged for almost a century. Hope Montgomery Scott, the family head for most of that time, was the basis for Katharine Hepburn's character in the 1940 Oscar-winning movie, which also starred Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart.
Edgar "Eddie" Scott III, spokesman for the family, told The Philadelphia Inquirer for Sunday's editions that it was too early to talk about the price of the 360-acre estate, which he said would depend largely on what the buyer wanted to do with it.
An evening gown, circa 1923, designed by Paul Poiret, made of pink satin with applied lozenge of blue rhinestones and coiled metallic thread embroidery is seen behind an screen with a projected image of the gown during the press preview of 'Poiret: King of Fashion' at the Metropolitan Museum of Art Monday, May 7, 2007 in New York. The exhibit May 9 and runs through August 5, 2007.
Photo by Mary Altaffer
Kim Fields, who played Tootie Ramsey on "The Facts of Life," has given birth to a son. Sebastian Alexander Morgan, who will be called Sam, was born Friday at The Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York City. The baby weighed 6 pounds, 4 ounces, said the actress' publicist, Linda J. Stewart, in a statement Monday.
He is the first child for Fields, 37, and her fiance, Christopher Morgan, 30, a Broadway actor. Morgan was in the delivery room when the baby was born.
It's a boy for Kevin Costner and his wife, Christine.
Cayden Wyatt Costner was born at 10:30 p.m. Sunday at a Los Angeles area hospital, the 52-year-old actor-director's publicist, Paul Bloch, said Monday. The baby weighed 7 pounds, 14 ounces.
"Both mother and son are doing well," said Bloch, adding that the baby has dark hair. He is the couple's first child. There were no other details.
Ty Pennington, host of ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," was arrested on a misdemeanor charge this weekend, documents show.
Pennington, 42, was booked on suspicion of being under the influence of alcohol and drugs while driving, the TMZ.com Web site reported.
He was arrested shortly after 12:30 a.m. Saturday by the Los Angeles Police Department's West Traffic Division, according to inmate information posted on the county Sheriff's Department Web site.
Pennington was released two hours later after posting $5,000 bail and was due back in court June 4, according to the Web site.
The tropical rainforest of Braullio Carrillo National Park is seen north-east of San Jose, Costa Rica, Monday May 7, 2007. The U.S. and Costa Rican governments announced negotiations for $ 12.6 milion dollars of debt to be forgiven in return for Costa Rica's conservation of the environment under the Tropical Forest Conservation Act.
Photo by Kent Gilbert
The chairman and chief executive of HBO was arrested early Sunday on suspicion of assaulting his girlfriend outside the MGM Grand casino hours after a boxing match aired by his company, authorities said.
Chris Albrecht was in Las Vegas for Saturday night's fight between Oscar De La Hoya and Floyd Mayweather Jr., held at the MGM Grand Garden Arena and broadcast on pay-per-view by Home Box Office, Inc., a division of Time Warner Inc.
Officers assigned to the fight reported seeing Albrecht fighting with a woman identified only as his girlfriend in the MGM Grand's valet parking lot shortly after 3 a.m., said Las Vegas police spokesman Officer Bill Cassell.
Albrecht was booked into the Clark County Detention Center and held on suspicion of a misdemeanor battery-domestic assault, Cassell said. He was later released, according to detention center dispatcher Ana Herczeg, who said she could provide no further details.
Since being charged with child pornography five years ago for allegedly videotaping sex acts with a young teenager, R. Kelly has had six best-selling albums, three nationwide tours, a multitude of hits and awards - but no trial.
A series of sometimes bizarre events, including a judge's tumble from a ladder and a case of appendicitis, have delayed the 40-year-old R&B superstar's trial far longer than the norm. Kelly is due in a Chicago courtroom Friday for yet another status hearing, but there's still no trial date in sight as he prepares to release a new album on May 29.
Other celebrity trials, including Michael Jackson's, have long since begun and ended since Kelly's indictment. And judging by how long it usually takes such cases to run their course, Kelly's trial should have finished years ago, legal observers say.
A judge on Monday suspended David Hasselhoff's visitation rights with his two teenage daughters after last week's surfacing of a videotape showing the recovering alcoholic apparently intoxicated in his Las Vegas home.
"This videotape changes the landscape, it just does," Superior Court Judge Mark Juhas said.
The judge set a May 21 hearing to determine if the tape is authentic and who was responsible for its release. His visitation order will remain in effect until then.
A man walks past signs, with drawings of Luis Posada Carriles and U.S. resident W. George Bush, that reads in Spanish 'guilty, the U.S. government protects the terrorism', in Havana, Monday, May 7, 2007. A recent FBI document has revealed new details about the U.S. investigation into links between Cuban militant Luis Posada Carriles and a wave of 1997 bombings in Havana, one of which killed an Italian tourist at a hotel.
Photo by Gregory Bull
A leading Indian painter is losing his home and other properties after failing to appear before a court trying him for hurting religious sentiments by painting "Mother India" as a naked woman.
Maqbool Fida Husain's paintings have often depicted revered Hindu gods and goddesses in the nude, sparking criticism from nationalist parties and activists. A decade ago, radicals even attacked his Mumbai home.
The painting at issue in the latest controversy shows a naked woman in front of a wheel resembling the one used in India's national flag. The names of some of India's states are written across her body.
Husain's work drew protests and several court cases were filed against the 91-year-old painter who lives in self-imposed exile in Dubai and London.
A Russian fugitive evaded arrest and became a minor celebrity by masquerading as a U.S. citizen hitch-hiking across the country for a record attempt, the state security service said on Monday.
Unsuspecting national television stations broadcast reports on an attempt by the man, who spoke only in English and wore an orange bandana, to claim a place in the record books by crossing Russia with no money or travel documents.
The hoax was uncovered last week by the Federal Security Service (FSB). They established that he was in fact a Russian citizen called Rustam Dzhumaliyev who was wanted by police for theft and suspected deception.
Police Chief William Bratton said Sunday that up to 60 members of an elite squad that swarmed into a park and fired rubber bullets during a May Day immigration rally are no longer on the street.
Bratton said he spent the weekend viewing video of the MacArthur Park incident and he said LAPD failures were widespread with officers from the top on down culpable.
Journalist organizations asked why officers ignored LAPD policies toward the news media worked out after reporters were assaulted during the 2000 Democratic National Convention.
A 2002 agreement called for designation of a safe spot for reporters covering news events. LAPD spokeswoman Mary Grady acknowledged reporters were not given "a designated safe spot" at MacArthur Park.
In this photo released by Roger Williams Park Zoo, mother giraffe Sukari caresses her new calf Monday, May 7, 2007 in the giraffe barn in Providence, R.I. The zoo welcomed a sizeable bundle this past Saturday, May 5, when Sukari, one of the zoo's two female giraffes, delivered a calf. The calf, a male, was born at 4:23 p.m. on exhibit in the zoo's Plains of Africa as zoo visitors looked on. This is the fifth giraffe birth at the zoo in the last ten years.
Photo by Victoria Arocho
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