BartCop Entertainment Archives - Tuesday, 4 May, 2004

Tuesday

4 May, 2004

big hammer - bigger hammer

(Updated Daily)

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Issue #103

Disinfotainment Today

By Michael Dare

Due to viewer discretion,
obscene content is advised
 
Issue #103
is brought to you by
The War in Iraq
 
 
American Torture Better than Iraqi Torture
 
    "When Saddam Hussein tortured us, it was very unpleasant," said a Shiite expatriate who preferred to remain anonymous. "He beat us and flayed us and caused us all sorts of physical pain. But when the Americans torture us, they make us simulate sex acts, which is much nicer than getting beaten with a stick."
    "I agree with him," said a Sunni who found himself imprisoned by Americans in the very same torture chambers used by the Hussein regime. "Under Hussein, when they attached electrodes to you, they worked, and when they forced you to engage in sex, there was nothing simulated about it. The Americans use fake electrodes just to scare you, and they only pretend to rape you for a photo opportunity."
    "When Saddam's henchmen pissed on us, they always set us on fire first, then pretended they were doing us a favor by putting out the flames." said another Shiite. "It was humiliating. The British way of pissing on us is much more straightforward and humane."
    "We are much happier with the invader's form of torture," they all said in consensus. "Thank God for George W. Bush."
 
Photo gallery of American "torture-lite."
 
"And each, though enemies to either's reign,
Do in consent shake hands to torture me"
- William Shakespeare: Sonnet 28 -
 
Letters
 
  1. This may have been the best book review I ever read. Groovy. I've always thought of nihilism as impotent realism. Scar tissue without a cause. A tempting destination but such a short trip.
    JD
  2. Sir,
    Domain Name Search; http://www.stopmartybeckerman.com/
    Registrant:
       Marty Beckerman
       Some Street
       Some City, NC
       US
  3. I just saw this joker [Marty Beckerman] on Bill O'Reilly's show last Friday night when I was channel-surfing.

    I'm not crazy about kids acting out sexually either, but Beckerman and O'Scumbag sat there and blamed it ALL on the Women's Movement!

    (Yeah, right - putting prayer back in public schools and women back in the kitchen will solve all of the world's problems and make things safe for the Bush Family Evil Empire.)

    You know, it really pisses me off when conservative wingnuts like O'Reilly and Cal Thomas pontificate about how ALL Baby Boomers did drugs and were sexually promiscuous.  (To use a 1960s expression, that just "wasn't where it was at" for me.)

    Of course, when the lady O'Reilly had on there tried to express her opinion, O'Sleazy did what he does to everyone who doesn't march lockstep with his view of the world...cut her off!

    O'Reilly is such a pompous ass and this Beckerman guy reminded me of an older Arnold Horshack, only not as nice!
    Terry C
    NJ
  4. For the record, Kerry threw his RIBBONS over the fence, not his actual medals. The Ribbons are what was worn on Dress Uniforms, because the actual medals were deemed to "clunky". It also has been confirmed he was approached by 2 or more vets in wheelchairs, who couldn't reach the fence, and who asked Kerry if he would throw their medals over the fence for them. Kerry has showed off his Purple Heart, Bronze and Silver Stars to anyone who has asked to see them. Just recently by a journalist from Salon, I believe......It's my belief that he will not go out of his way to grand stand, by showing them off in a Press Conference...
    Sincerely,
    Robert in Seattle
  5. You won't hear anything about President Bush or Vice President Cheney throwing their Vietnam medals away! That's why I support Bush/Cheney in '04!
    - Monroe Eeks: Bakersfield, CA -
  6. Come the Rapture, can I have your car?
    - Xarvon, Alien Investigator -
 
Percentage of Casualties from Friendly Fire
 
World War II: 21%
Korea: 18%
Vietnam: 39%
Persian Gulf: 49%
Donald Trump: 100%
 
 
Hello there.
 
My name is Spanky Ward, I was wondering if you could help me with something. I've pitched a project to an investor, whom the project is also about, it's a true story and I'd like to send him a sample scene to help seal the deal. The problem is, I'm having a little trouble getting started. Until now, I've only written my own stuff. I'm having a problem knowing how much creativity I can add to the truth that's already there. I hope I'm making sense. How much creative license can I take with what is there? I'm afraid to elaborate, or add stuff, for fear of losing the truth that it's all founded on. Is it bad to add things that didn't happen, to change their words, or character, kill someone off that didn't die? If you have any advice, I could really use it.
 
Thanks a ton.
 
Spanky Ward
 
Spanky,
 
Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.
 
Nothing is trickier than writing a script that's supposed to be non-fiction. The artistic problems don't even come close to approaching the magnitude of the legal problems. This e-mail could go on for miles if I got into all the specifics, so let me start by directing you to http://www.wga.org/craft/dare.html where I tell my own personal story of how I turned my life into a movie of the week. Rather than focus on how to DO the gig, let's focus on how to GET the gig.
 
First of all, why should your subject choose YOU to write a script about them when you apparently have no experience doing such a thing? It's an enormously complicated task that requires not just the skills of a screenwriter but of a diplomat and an extremely anal lawyer. You don't just need permission from your main character but from absolutely every other character, down to the smallest extra. Your guy can't take a cab without your getting permission from a cab driver. If you don't get permission from a cab driver, then you HAVE to fictionalize the character so that they're absolutely nothing like the cab driver your main character actually used. The job consists of balancing the true story of the guy you've got permission from with the mandatory fictionalization of just about everything else. If you don't have the skill and experience to do that, then you are, in fact, not the right person for this job. If I were your guy, I'd hire someone who knew what he was doing.
 
That doesn't mean you can't get it. Skills can be learned, but it's going to take a lot of research because every word you write is a potential lawsuit.
 
If you send your subject your version of a scene from his own life, it's pretty much guaranteed you're going to get some details wrong and you're going to piss him off. Don't do it. If you're going to send him a "sample," make it a sample of your work that's completely unrelated, something whose only purpose is to show your skill as a screenwriter. You can't even begin writing individual scenes without extensive research. Start with a treatment. The spine of the story. The very first decision, and it's much more complicated than you think, is where the story starts and ends. Like everyone, he sees himself as the hero of his own story, but the hero's journey in any story has to contain their fatal flaw that they overcome. A lot of people don't like to look at examinations of their flaws, so I'm afraid you're going to have to fall back on flattery. Start out making them look good, then, further down the line, start exploring their problems. Part of the gig is THEIR fantasy fulfillment, especially if you're working for THEM.
Movie of the Week
 
The Chipmunks turn to rap and get their revenge against David Seville.
 
Gallery of the Week
Still from This is Cinerama
Whether you have a widescreen TV or not, you've got to be happy that so many channels are now showing films in the letterbox format, without the sides cut off. For an amazingly exhaustive and fun look at every film process that has ever existed, don't miss The American Widescreen Museum.
 
Prank of the Week
 
Go into MS Word or similar program on a co-worker's computer and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you're an idiot!" They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
 
Your Government at Work
 
108th CONGRESS

1st Session

H. R. 3687

To amend section 1464 of title 18, United States Code, to provide for the punishment of certain profane broadcasts, and for other purposes.

    Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, That section 1464 of title 18, United States Code, is amended--

      (1) by inserting `(a)' before `Whoever'; and

      (2) by adding at the end the following:

    `(b) As used in this section, the term `profane', used with respect to language, includes the words `shit', `piss', `fuck', `cunt', `asshole', and the phrases `cock sucker', `mother fucker', and `ass hole', compound use (including hyphenated compounds) of such words and phrases with each other or with other words or phrases, and other grammatical forms of such words and phrases (including verb, adjective, gerund, participle, and infinitive forms).'.
Don't Take My Word For It
 
"Knowledge will not acquire you: you must acquire it."
Sudie Back -
 
"News, far more than art, is artifact."
- Marshall McLuhan -
 
    "Faced with a drinking problem, business failure and the potential loss of his family, he rediscovered Christ through the Midland, Texas, branch of a Community Bible Study group. 
    "In the process, Bush moved to a belief system more absolute than that of his Episcopalian family or wife Laura's Methodist upbringing. He embraced evangelical Christianity, which considers the Bible to be the unblemished word of God and heaven barred to non-believers in Christ's divinity. 
    "The concrete result is a president who is the leading proponent of applying the evangelical movement's values to domestic government, from opposing abortion and gay marriage to federally funding social programs run by religious institutions."
 
"All religion is just someone who has an imaginary friend."
- Dylan Moran -
 
"Darkness is powerless in the presence of light. The relationship between light and darkness in the everyday world reveals a profound secret of spirituality. Spiritual darkness can exist only in the Light’s absence.
    "It is a universal law that desire is increased when others demand you to grow. It is very difficult to change by yourself because, well, you are who you are. But if you pay close attention, you will find that the people who come into your life are not there by accident. They are channels for the Light, sent to awaken and inspire in you the desire to change. If you are open, they can lead you to a whole new place of desire you're not even familiar with."
 
"An actor is not quite a human being, but then, who is?"
- George Sanders -
 
"Cheney's biggest trick is making George Bush wake up every morning and
believe he's the president."
- John Dean: Worse Than Watergate -
 
"There are two types of dictatorship. There is overt, in your face, control like communism and fascism; and there is the most effective control of all - the covert dictatorship that masquerades as freedom. People do not rebel against not being free when they think they are."
- David Icke: The Fourth Reich is Masquerading as "Liberation" and the "War on Terror" -
 
"Nowadays, curmudgeon is likely to refer to anyone who hates hypocrisy, cant, sham, dogmatic ideologies, the pretenses and evasions of euphemism, and has the nerve to point out unpleasant facts and takes the trouble to impale these sins on the skewer of humor and roast them over the fires of empiric fact, common sense,and native intelligence. In this nation of bleating sheep and braying jackasses, it then becomes an honor to be labeled a curmudgeon."
- Edward Abbey -
 
"No mulligans, except on the first tee."
- George W. Bush, speaking to reporters August 7, 2001, the day after he was handed the PDB that Ms. Rice said only contained historical data -
 
"Those that I fight I do not hate,
Those that I guard I do not love;"
- W.B. Yeats: An Irish Airman Foresees His Death -
 
    "Can you feel John Ashcroft's hot, predatory breath bearing down on your life and your box of vibrators and your adult DVD collection and snatching away your copy of "Weapons of A-- Destruction #2" and smacking you across the face with a Bible, all before skipping off to the dungeon to feed the flying monkeys? 
    "Because while 9/11 and the process of gleefully decimating your civil liberties via the USA Patriot Act may have delayed him a few years, Ashcroft & Co. is back on the anti-porn warpath, hell-bent on slashing and burning its way through the porn industry like a priest through an all-male boarding school -- oh wait, bad analogy -- like a hot knife through butter -- nope, not that, either -- like a Halliburton exec through Baghdad -- there, that's more like it -- as the U.S. Justice Department sets its sights on punishing the sex industry and eradicating porn and making the world safe for uptight danceless ultra-pious non-drinking white men once and for all."
 
    "I first figured that Gaza might be for sale when Ariel Sharon was accused of corrupt real estate dealings in Greece. And I was right too. Sharon has put together a real estate package in Gaza that is a sleazy developer's dream: Trading that run-down Gaza dump for the eloquent olive groves and high rises of East Jerusalem and the West Bank. Score!
    "That's like trading the South Bronx for The Garden State -- including Princeton, Washington Crossing AND Atlantic City. That's like dumping Mediterranean Avenue and buying the Boardwalk. AND Park Place!
    "But wait. Won't the Palestinians at least come out of the deal owning Gaza? Isn't that a trade up for them? They will now own houses and hotels, right? Wrong. Palestinians will not be passing Go. And they will not be collecting $200. They will not be owning Gaza. Ariel Sharon will still own Gaza. What the Palestinians will be getting from this real estate deal is the right to continue to live in a prison, a jail and a slum.
    "Being an Arab these days is chillingly similar to being a Jew in 1939. The only difference I can see is that instead of Prescott financing genocide, we now have his grandson George."
 
    "• When life hands you lemons, make lemonade: When Bill Clinton won office in 1992, Cheney lost his. His friends at Halliburton were more than happy to give him a job - as CEO.
    "• It's all about the bling bling: By 2000, he was pulling in $36,086,635 from the oil-services company.
    "• Machiavellian politics pay off: In 2000, George W. put Cheney in charge of a team to select a running mate. Cheney chose himself.
    "• Think outside the box: After creating the Halliburton empire, Cheney turned his attention to creating a new energy policy for the United States. Using his world-famous Rolodex, the vice president merged two seemingly unrelated areas of administration: dealing with rogue states and capturing oil fields."
 
"In order to be walked on, you have to be lying down."
- Brian Weir -
 
    "Greetings to you in the name of our Allah i got your e mail through the help of my nurse who scanned the internet and gave me your mail. I am Mrs Mariam Khalid a devoted muslim, a new muslim convert of 74 years old after being converted from a christian family by my husband. For quite a good number of years now, I have been suffering from cancer of the breast and fibroid of the womb which has for a long time now affected my health and from all indications my condition is deteriorating by day and by my doctor's prediction I have less than six months to live.
    "My husband who is now late was killed during the US/British attack  against the president of my country (Sadam Hussain). My late husband was a member of the contract award committee of the republican ministry of  petroleum and resources of Iraq under the regime of Sadam Hussein."
- Hajia Mariam Khalid: rewriting the Nigerian bank scam to take advantage of the war in Iraq -
 
"It is only important to walk on the real ground, to act on the basis of reality. The slightest phoniness, and you fall into the realm of demons."
- Liao-an -
 
"Conceal a flaw, and the world will imagine the worst."
Marcus Valerius Martial -
 
"Make sure to be in with your equals if you're going to fall out with your superiors."
- Jewish proverb -
 
"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."
- Paul Boese -
 
"Generally speaking, the clever are not wise. Neither are the wise clever; they are innocent. But there is a type of innocent cleverness a combination which resides only in the mansions of superior wisdom."
- Jacob Klatzkin: In Praise of Wisdom -
 
"The days are too short even for love; how can there be enough time for quarreling?"
- Margaret Gatty -
 
"One who imitates what is bad always goes beyond his model; while one who imitates what is good always comes up short of it."
Francesco Guicciardini -
 
    "An Iranian court has ruled the United States should pay $600 million in compensation for supplying ousted Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein with chemical weapons, the official IRNA news agency said on Wednesday.  IRNA said the money in the case, brought by Iranian war veterans and disabled, should be paid to survivors of attacks on the town of Sardasht which borders Iraq. 
    "Iraqi gas attacks killed thousands of Iranians and Iraqi Kurds in the 1980-1988 Iran-Iraq war. Hundreds of thousands died on both sides and Iran has thousands disabled by chemical arms."
 
"A miracle cannot prove what is impossible; it is useful only to confirm what is possible."
Maimonides: Guide for the Perplexed -
 
"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?"
- Jean Cocteau -
 
"The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases."
- Carl Jung -
 
"Yearn to understand first and to be understood second."
- Beca Lewis Allen -
 
"The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not laugh is a fool."
- George Santayana -
 
"Leap, and the net will appear."
- Julie Cameron -
 
"If there's no wound on the hand, that hand can hold poison.
Poison won't penetrate where there's no wound.
There's no evil for those who don't do it."
- Dhammapada, 9 -

"Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps."
- David Lloyd George -

"Great ability develops and reveals itself increasingly with every new assignment."
- Baltasar Gracian: The Oracle -
 
    "I joined the Air Force to protect our borders and our people, not the financial interests of Folgers, Chiquita Banana, and Exxon. We've had enough corporate wars. No more Iraqs. No more El Salvadors. No more Kosovos. No more Colombias. These are not isolated incidents of stupidity. They are part of a long, bloody history of foreign policy being conducted for the financial benefit of the wealthy few. It is a new colonialism. It violates our Constitution. It endangers our people. And it is TREASON. 
    "As a pilot who flew 101 combat missions in Vietnam, I can tell you that the best thing our government can do for its combat veterans is to quit making more of them."
- Dr. Robert Bowman, USAF Ret.: Some Dare Call It Treason: Wake Up America! -
 
"If you want to make God Laugh, tell him your future plans."
- Woody Allen -
 
Everything Else
 
I came to that place, you know where it is, where we all return once in a while, where everything stops and we catch up with ourselves, where everything is new, where the dividing line between past and future gets away with us, where we watch things happen rather than wait to have them described, where we flow with the current, no matter how fast its coming at us, no matter how treacherous the shores.
 
Today's satire becomes tomorrow's reality faster every day, so don't let them get away from you, those moments where realities coincide and you get a glimmer from what could be a gem of truth floating amid the flotsamedia and jetsumedia. History and memory play tricks. The older they get, the less defined are the distinctions.
 
Have memory and history started to contradict themselves? Has your inner journalist kicked in? Have you started to question everything? Remember this golden rule: "It's only memory if you actually remember it. It's only history if it's false and people believe it."
 
MD
 
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---------------------------------------------------------------------

Train of Thought Productions
 
 

Contact George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Jeb Bush - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Saddam Hussein -
president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Kim Jong Il - eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac - france-presse@un.int
Contact the Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Contact the Democratic Candidates:  Wesley Clark, Howard Dean, John Edwards, Dick Gephardt, Bob Graham, John Kerry, Dennis Kucinich, Joe Lieberman, Carol Moseley Braun, Al Sharpton
Embassy of France in the US: 202-944-6000
German Embassy in the US: 202-298-4000
Embassy of the Russian Federation: 202-298-5700
Embassy of the People's Republic of China: 202-328-2500
White House switchboard: (202) 456-1414
Contact your Senator -
http://www.senate.gov/senators/senator_by_state.cfm
Contact your Representative - http://www.house.gov/house/MemberWWW.html
House and Senate switchboard: (202) 224-3121
Links to Central Government Agencies -
http://www.firstgov.gov/
 
 
Don't let this happen to you.

Link to Disinfotainment Today with one of these tasteful banners.
 
 
so I can buy a CD burner
and produce a disk
containing every single issue of Disinfotainment Today,
an instant collector's item,
and I'll give you one.
 
 
Acknowledgment

dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form. It consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's either satire or fair use.

Thanks,

Dwight Mansburdon
             ---,_,----
            /         \
           /           \  Visit http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com/

          (            )
          /   _/----\_   \                   _      .---
         /   '/      \`   \        _________/ |__--'/
        /    /       \    \      (__PAN AM/__|__===
       /    /|        |\    \
       /   / |        | \   \     Or I'll crash this plane
      /   /`_/_      _\_\   \    into your mom!
     /  '/  (  . )( .  )  \  `\
     <_ ' `--`___'`___'--' ` _>
    /  '     @ @/ =\@ @     `  \
   /  /      @@(  , )@@      \  \
  /  /       @@| o o|@@       \  \
 ' /          @@@@@@@@          \

 
 
 
 
 

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'TBH Politoons'

Click Here!



Thanks, again, Tim!

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May is....

Pilonidal Cyst Awareness Month

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Reader Comment

Re: O'Really Vs. Canada

Bill O'Reilly Hates Canada?

That only makes me a more fervent Canadaphile, if that's possible.

Anything on the shit lists of individuals like O'Reilly, Rush, Hannity, Coulter, ad nauseam MUST be a GOOD thing.

Hell, ever since Rush the Vulgar Junkie Pigboy started with the "feminazi" crap, I've been proud to call myself a "feminazi."

If a neanderthal like him hates it, then it's THE thing to be!

God, I love the Canadians!

Terry C
NJ


Thanks, Terry!

If you'd like to read the history of O'Really's snit -

Who's afraid of the big bad Fox? Certainly not us   -   JOHN DOYLE - The Globe and Mail - Monday, April 19, 2004

Fox News. Not here yet, but already hilarious   -    JOHN DOYLE - The Globe and Mail - Wednesday, Apr. 21, 2004

And the laugh was still there    -    JOHN DOYLE - The Globe and Mail - Thursday, April 29, 2004

Then the NY Times picked it up - Word for Word: When a Canadian Insults Fox News, Them's [Expletive] Fighting Words!

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Humor Gazette

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from Mark

Another Bumpersticker

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Fun Link

Sick Of This Crap!

Alright folks, time for those May flowers for which we endured the April showers, kinda like the flowers American forces were to be showered with upon liberating a grateful nation of Iraqis.

Sick Of This Crap!

Thanks, Rummy!

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Selected Readings

from that Mad Cat, JD

A NEW RIGHT WING SCUM WATCH

HOW CONSERVATIVES THINK

FLOUR POWER

REPUG CONVENTION SCHEDULE

FUNDAGELISM, OR HOW TO BE STUPID AND STILL GO TO HEAVEN

SHOOT THE JUICE TO ME BRUCE

SUCKING CHIMP DICK

BAGHDAD HILTON

STUPID STRIKES AGAIN

I FEEL A DRAFT

NOT IN CHIMP WORLD

SKID MARKS

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In The Chaos Household

Last Night

Over 100 again today, and I'm cranky.

The school cancelled recess today because of the heat. The kids had to sit in the auditorium & watch part of 'Charlotte's Web'.

Rosemary, the Alaskan grandmother, will be here in less than 12 hours.



Tonight, Tuesday:

CBS begins the night with a FRESH 'Navy NCIS', followed by a FRESH 'The Guardian', then a FRESH 'Judging Amy'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Dave are Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, and Adam Brody.
Scheduled on a FRESH Craiggers are Jane Leeves and Crystal Method.

NBC opens the night with a RERUN 'Frasier', followed by another RERUN 'Frasier', then a FRESH 'Frasier', followed by the Season Finale of 'Scrubs', then a FRESH 'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Leno are Eric Bana, Bob Woodward, and Lee Ann Womack.
Scheduled on a FRESH Conan are Ray Liotta, Mila Kunis, and Carly Simon.
Scheduled on a FRESH Carson Daly are Kenny Lofton, Neil Patrick Harris, and Danny Aiello.

ABC starts the night with a FRESH '8 Simple Rules', followed by a RERUN '8 Simple Rules', then a FRESH 'Jim', followed by a FRESH 'Less Than Perfect', then a FRESH 'NYPD Blue'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Jimmy Kimmel are Jamie Foxx, Constance Marie, and Dom Irerra.

The WB offers a FRESH 'Gilmore Girls', followed by a FRESH 'One Tree Hill'.

Faux has a FRESH 'American Idol', followed by a FRESH '24'.

UPN has a FRESH 'One On One', followed by a FRESH 'All Of Us', then a FRESH 'Rock Me Baby', followed by a RERUN 'Girlfriends'.

Check local PBS listings for a FRESH 'Nova' - "Battle Plan Under Fire".

A&E has 'American Justice', 'Biography' (Florence Henderson), and a 2-hour 'Cold Case Files'.

AMC offers the movie 'Silver Streak', followed by the movie 'Urban Cowboy', then the movie 'The Man From Snowy River'.

BBC  -   
[6pm] 'BBC World News';   [6:30pm] 'Cash in the Attic' - Episode 2;    [7pm] 'House Invaders' - Linchfield B;    [7:30pm] 'Changing Rooms' - St. Ives;    [8pm] 'Changing Rooms' - Chinnor;    [8:30pm] 'Changing Rooms' - Warrington;    [9pm] 'What Not to Wear' - Julie Nicholson;    [9:30pm] 'What Not to Wear' - Jane Anderson;    [10pm] 'Cash in the Attic' - Stride;    [11pm] 'Changing Rooms' - Chinnor;    [11:30pm] 'Changing Rooms' - Warrington;    [12am] 'What Not to Wear' - Julie Nicholson;    [12:30am] 'What Not to Wear' - Jane Anderson;   [1am] 'Cash in the Attic' - Stride;    [2am] 'House Invaders' - Linchfield B;    [2:30am] 'Changing Rooms' - St. Ives;    [3am] 'Changing Rooms' - Chinnor;    [3:30am] 'Changing Rooms' - Warrington;    [4am] 'What Not to Wear' - Julie Nicholson;    [4:30am] 'What Not to Wear' - Jane Anderson;    [5am] 'Cash in the Attic' - Stride;    [6am] 'BBC World News'.    (ALL TIMES EDT)

Bravo has 'West Wing', 'Queer Eye', 'Showbiz Moms & Dads', another 'Queer Eye', and another 'Showbiz Moms & Dads'.

Comedy Central has 'MAD TV', 'Crank Yankers', 'Insomniac', 'South Park', 'Chappelle's Show', and another 'Chappelle's Show'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Jon Stewart is Amb. Joe Wilson.

History has 'Modern Marvels', 'Deep Sea Detectives', 'Tactical To Practical', and a FRESH 'Wild West Tech'.

IFC  -   
[6AM] 'Fresh' (1994);    [8AM] 'Cry, The Beloved Country' (1995);    [10AM] 'Vertical Ray Of Sun' (2000);    [12PM] 'Golden Bowl' (2000);    [2:15PM] 'Rosetta' (1999);    [4PM] 'Vertical Ray Of Sun' (2000);    [6PM] 'At The Angelika 84' (2004);    [6:30PM] 'Golden Bowl' (2000);    [8:45PM] 'IFC In Theaters';    [9PM] 'Dinner For Five 25' (2003);    [9:30PM] 'Rocked With Gina Gershon Episode 4' (2003);    [10PM] 'Heaven's Burning' (1997);    [11:45PM] 'Gallipoli' (1981);    [1:45AM] 'Beautiful Thing' (1996);    [3:15AM] 'Heaven's Burning' (1997);    [5AM] 'Running With The Bulls' (2002).    (ALL TIMES EDT)

SciFi has 'Stargate SG-1', followed by the mvoie 'Dragonheart', then another 'Stargate SG-1'.

Sundance  -   
[6AM] 'Our Times' (Documentary);    [7:15AM] 'Unhook The Stars' (Feature);    [9AM] 'If I Should Fall From Grace: The Shane MacGowan Story' (Documentary);    [10:40AM] 'Fairy Faith' (Feature);    [12PM] 'No Man's Land' (Feature);    [1:40PM] 'Eat This New York' (Documentary);    [3PM] 'Stealing The Fire' (Documentary);    [4:40PM] 'Unhook The Stars' (Feature);    [6:30PM] 'Cane Toads - An Unnatural History' (Documentary);    [7:30PM] 'Elling Petter Naess' (Feature);   [9PM] 'Anatomy of a Scene: Off the Map' (Original Production);    [9:30PM] 'All or Nothing' (Feature);    [11:40PM] 'Our Lady of the Assassins' (World Cinema);    [1:25AM] 'Vampire's Kiss' (Feature);    [3:10AM] 'Scratch' (2002) (Feature);    [4:45AM] 'Branson: Musicland USA' (Short);    [5AM] 'Elling Petter Naess' (Feature).    (ALL TIMES EDT)

TCM spends the day celebrating Audrey Hepburn, who was born on this day in 1929.
 [6am]    'Affair With A Stranger' (1953);
 [7:30am]    'The Actress' (1953);
 [9:30am]    'Green Mansions' (1959);
 [11:30am]    'The Nun's Story' (1959);
 [2:30pm]    'The Children's Hour' (1961);
 [4:30pm]    'Wait Until Dark' (1967);

 [6:30pm]    'The Fred Astaire Songbook' (1991);
 [8pm]    'I Am A Fugitive From A Chain Gang' (1932);
 [10pm]    'The Treasure of the Sierra Madre' (1948);
 [12:15am]    Johnny Belinda (1948);
 [2:15am]    'Gold Diggers Of 1933' (1933);
 [4am]    'Manhattan Melodrama' (1934).    (ALL TIMES EDT)


Tuesday  -  05/04

TCM pays tribute (all morning & afternoon) to Norma Shearer
 [6am]    'The Last Of Mrs. Cheyney' (1929)
 [8am]    'Strangers May Kiss' (1931);
 [9:30am]    'Private Lives' (1931);
 [11am]    'Strange Interlude' (1932);
 [1pm]    'The Barretts of Wimpole Street' (1934);
 [3pm]    'Romeo And Juliet' (1936);
 [5:15pm]    'Marie Antoinette' (1938);

 [8pm]   'Blood And Sand' (1941);
 [10:15pm]    'South Pacific' (1958);
 [1:15am]    'It Happened One Night' (1934);
 [3:15am]    'I Walked With A Zombie' (1943);
 [4:30am]    'The Gay Divorcee' (1934).    (ALL TIMES EDT)



Any opinions?

Or reviews?



(See below for addresses)

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Los Angeles radio and television personality Pepe Barreto, from Peru, is honored with, the 2,254th star on the 'Hollywood Walk of Fame' by Johnny Grant, the honorary mayor of Hollywood, left, Monday, May 3, 2004, in Los Angles. Los Angles Mayor Jimmy Hahn applauds at right.
Photo by Nick Ut

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The Information One-Stop

Moose & Squirrel

Moose & Squirrel Information One-Stop

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Returns to High School

Dick Van Dyke

Sixty years after he graduated from Danville High School, Dick Van Dyke returned over the weekend to be honored by the community he left to become a television star.

"A lot of memories are popping into my head," Van Dyke said. "It's just incredible, the sights, the sounds, the smells."

Van Dyke watched a student production of "Bye Bye Birdie," a play he appeared in on Broadway just before he starred in "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

Dick Van Dyke

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Actresses Jennifer Lopez, left, and Jane Fonda laugh on the first day of shooting their new comedy, Monster-in-Law, Monday, May, 3, 2004, in Los Angeles, Calif. The film, being directed by Robert Luketic, is scheduled for release in 2005.
Photo by Melissa Moseley

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Says Held Prison Abuse Story

CBS News

CBS News delayed reporting for two weeks about U.S. soldiers' alleged abuse of Iraqi prisoners, following a personal request from the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff.

Gen. Richard B. Myers called CBS anchor Dan Rather eight days before the report was to air, asking for extra time, said Jeff Fager, executive producer of "60 Minutes II."

Myers cited the safety of American hostages and tension surrounding the Iraqi city of Fallujah, Fager said, adding that he held off as long as he believed possible given it was a competitive story.

For more, CBS News

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In The Kitchen With BartCop & Friends

bartcook

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Being Rereleased

'Life of Bryan'

Monty Python's Flying Circus alumnus Terry Jones doesn't mince words about why the troupe's film "Life of Bryan" is being rushed into rerelease this month.

"It's shameless commercial opportunism on our part," Jones told the Philadelphia Inquirer in Sunday's editions.

The original plan was to get the movie prints out in August, the month that marks the 25th anniversary of the Python's tale of an accidental messiah. Then came Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ."

"We just saw the opportunity and thought we'd take it," Jones said. "We're definitely trying to cash in on Mel's enormous success."

'Life of Bryan'

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Hoakalei Hina Kamauu, queen of Hawaii's annual Lei Day celebration, sings a chant while offering the Mayor's grand prize winning lei before the crypt of Kamehameha during a ceremony at the Royal Mausoleum or Mauna Ala (Fragrant Mountain), in Honolulu, Hawaii, May 2, 2004. The 77-year old annual ceremony consists of offering elaborate leis from Lei Day festivities and placing the hand-made flowered necklaces on the tombs of famous Hawaiian monarchs.
Photo by Lucy Pemoni

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Charges Dropped

Jason Patric

A second charge against actor Jason Patric has been dropped following his arrest in March. Travis County Attorney David Escamilla said his office decided not to pursue the resisting arrest charge after reviewing evidence and determining that Patric's actions didn't constitute resisting arrest under Texas law.

"Merely retracting your arm or some other similar uncooperative action won't suffice to support a conviction," Escamilla told the Austin American-Statesman.

The city attorney's office also dropped a public intoxication charge against Patric last week from the same arrest.

Jason Patric

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Formerly 'The Vidiot'

pissed

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Compares Mob Characters

Paul Sorvino

If Tony Soprano and Paulie Cicero, the don from "GoodFellas," put contracts out on each other, who'd get whacked first?

"Paulie is much more lethal," the actor who played him, Paul Sorvino, told AP Radio. "Jimmy (Gandolfini, who plays Tony) does a wonderful job, but in terms of the way the characters are set up, Paulie is much more Machiavellian, Paulie is much more of a ponderer and a thinker. He does very little by impulse and that's a much more dangerous person."

Paul Sorvino

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A member of the Blue Man Group performs during a rehearsal for their multimedia show, 'Animated Rods,' in Berlin May 3, 2004. Founded in 1987, the U.S. based group debuted in New York 1991 and now performs with some 30 'Blue Men' and more than 50 musicians and the European premiere will take place on May 8, 2004 in the German capital Berlin.
Photo by Arnd Wiegmann

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Court Won't Hear Dispute

Ozzy Osbourne

Two musicians who claim they've been cheated by rocker Ozzy Osbourne got no sympathy Monday from the Supreme Court.

Justices refused to consider the appeal of bassist Robert Daisley and drummer Lee Kerslake, who sued in 1998 seeking royalties for their work on Osbourne albums "Blizzard of Ozz" and "Diary of a Madman."

Los Angeles attorney Nate Kraut said his musician clients have been denied credit for writing songs that are now used in television commercials and during NFL games.

Ozzy Osbourne

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Click Here!

2 Dudes


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Capsizes Approaching Nude Beach

Party Barge

A double-decker party barge capsized when dozens of passengers moved to one side of the boat as it approached Texas' only nude beach.

Sixty people on the boat were rescued Sunday from Lake Travis, including two with minor injuries, authorities said.

The accident happened during Splash Day, a semiannual event hosted at the clothing-optional area by the Austin Tavern Guild, a gay and lesbian bar association.

Party Barge

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A flower lay on the Freedom Forum Journalists Memorial to mark the World Press Freedom Day, Monday, May 3, 2004, in Arlington, Va. The names of 20 journalists who died during the war in Iraq last year and an Associated Press Television News cameraman killed while filming violence in the West Bank were among 53 names added Monday to a memorial to those who died covering the news.
Photo by Lawrence Jackson

Reporters sans frontires

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Take Back The Media!

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Custom Kaleidoscopes by Ed the "BearMan"

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The Slab

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What Really Happened

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The Iraq Page

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Today In Iraq

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I'm Not Sorry

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TrimmedBush

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Raw Story

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George W. Bush for President 2004

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Who served?

The Chickenhawk Database

Congressional Members with Military Service

Who Died and Made You President? :: The Bean Magazine

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100 Most Banned Books

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