Bartcop Entertainment - Tuesday, 16 March, 2004

Tuesday

16 March, 2004

(Updated Daily)

Issue #96

The Newsletter that Doesn't Apologize for Not Coming Out Last Week

 

Issue #96
is brought to you by

 

 

The New Yorker Studio Script Notes on "The Passion"

 

Dear Mel, We love, LOVE the script! The ending works great. You'll be getting a call from us to start negotiations for the book rights. Love the Jesus character. So likable. He can't seem to catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One thing, I think we need to clearly state "the rules." Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself? The creative people suggest that you could simply cut away to two spectators: Spectator one Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself? Spectator two He can only use his powers to help others, never himself. 

 

Does it matter which garden? Gethsemane is hard to say and Eden is a much more recognizable garden. Just thinking out loud. 

 

Our creative people suggest a clock visual fading in and out in certain scenes like the last supper bit: Monday, 12:43pm." or later, "Good Friday, 5:14pm." Love the repetition of "is it I?" Could be very funny. On the eighth inquiry, could Jesus just give a little look into camera? Breaks frame, but could be a riot. Also could he change water into wine in last supper scene? Would be a great moment, and it's legit. History compression is a movie tradition and could really brighten up the scene. Love the flaying. Could the Rabbis be Hispanic? There's lots of hot Latino actors now, could give us a little zing at the box office. Research says there's some justification for it. 

 

Is there somewhere where Jesus could be using an IMac? You know, now that I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. Strike that. But think about it. Maybe we start a shot in heaven with Jesus thoughtfully closing the top? (Reminder: heaven is timeless) The studio is very high on Johnny Depp right now. Just saw him in "Pirates." He was hilarious. Might be right for Jesus? Not so straightforward. He could bring a lot of pizzazz to the role. I think a meeting would be warranted. Love the idea of Monica Belluci as Mary Magdalene (Yow!). Our creative people suggest a name change to Heather. Could skew our audience a little younger. Love Judas. Such a great villain. Our creative people suggest that he's a little "conflicted." Couldn't he be one thing? Just bad? Gives the movie much more of a motor. Also, 30 pieces of silver is not going to get anyone excited. I think it's very simple to make him a "new millionaire." Bring in the cash on a tray. Great dilemma that the audience can identify with. Minor spelling error: on page 18, in the description of the bystanders, there should be a space between the words "Jew" and "boy." 

 

Merchandising issue: it seems the cross image has been done to death and we can't own it. Could the crucifixion scene involve something else? A Toyota would be wrong, but maybe there's a shape we can copyright, like an ellipse? I'm assuming "the dialogue is in Aremeic," is a typo for "American." If not call me on my cell or I'm at home all weekend. 

 

By the way, I'm sending a group of staffers on a cruise to the North Pole, coincidentally around the time of the release date. Would love to invite your dad!

 

- Steve Martin -

 

The Bad News

 

It's been medically proven that getting cannibanoids into your system by smoking marijuana can actually destroy brain cells.

 

The Good News

 

The brain cells that cannibanoids kill are cancerous.

 

Quote from Hell

 

 

Bob Hope: "Professor, did you plant the bomb in the embassy like I told you?"

Jerry Colonna: "Embassy? Great Scott, I thought you said NBC!"

 

Let Freedom Ring

 

ERA, the Equal Rights Amendment baring gender discrimination, didn't pass in the United States, but Article 12 of the new Iraqi constitution states that "All Iraqis are equal in their rights without regard to gender, sect, opinion, belief, nationality, religion, or origin, and they are equal before the law." And forget the second amendment to the US constitution. Article 17, in its entirety, states "It shall not be permitted to possess, bear, buy, or sell arms except on licensure issued in accordance with the law." For a superb article-by-article breakdown of the new Iraqi constitution, check this out.

 

Calling All Fans of The Shining

 

Watch this spectacular movie and try to figure out what it's an ad for.

 

Good Idea

 

Inspired by the documentary Super Size Me, in which someone eats all his meals at McDonalds for a month and documents the deterioration of his body, this guy intends to get all his information from right-wing media over the next month and document the deterioration of his brain.

 

Do-Gooders of the Week

 

Anti-smoking activists are pressing Hollywood to give any movie an R-rating that shows someone smoking a cigarette.

 

Gallery of the Week

"Cats Aren't Dogs"

by Matthew Vescovo,

master of the obvious at instructoart

 

MP3 of the Week

 

Howard Stern rips Dubya a new one.

 

 

Vote for Nader

 

Dish vs. DirecTV

 

I just switched from DirecTV to the Dish Network and discovered a significant difference. It's only one channel, available only on Dish, but what a channel. FSTV, Free Speech TV, isn't owned by anybody and actually reports the real news, just like the Internet. So if you can't decide between DirecTV or Dish, let FSTV be the deciding vote.

 

Who Needs a DNA Test to Prove He's My Son?

 

My 10-year-old son Max and I walk a half mile through the desert every weekday morning to reach his school bus stop. This morning, the walk was spectacular. After the rains of last week, and the arrival of spring today, the desert was in bloom, full of green grass, flowers, and hundreds of birds chirping wildly. I couldn't help myself. I started singing loudly and terribly "Oh what a beautiful morning. Oh what a beautiful day. I've got a beautiful feeling everything's coming my way." Max looked at me, held up his fist, and said "This is what's coming your way if you don't stop singing."

 

Don't Take My Word For It

 

"I write because I can't do any of the following: paint, sculpt, sing, take photos, play an instrument, commute, wear a suit, remember appointments, return phone calls, work for a boss, concentrate in a meeting, serve food and drink, teach, or do anything else at all, really. Nor can I ever ignore the urge to try and get out what's in, however hard I try."

- Nick Hornby -

 

"If you misunderstand your mind, you are an ordinary mortal; if you understand your mind, you are a sage. In this it makes no difference whether you are a male or female, old or young, smart or simple."

- Jakushitsu -

 

"Seek refuge in the attitude of detachment and you will amass the wealth of spiritual awareness. Those who are motivated only by desire for the fruits of action are miserable, for they are constantly anxious about the results of what they do. When consciousness is unified, however, all vain anxiety is left behind. There is no cause for worry, whether things go well or ill."

- Bhagavad Gita -

 

"I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow."

- Woodrow Wilson -

 

"I was kidnapped. Tell the world it was a coup."

- Jean-Bertrand Aristide -

 

"He did not resign. He was abducted by the United States in the commission of a coup."

- Randall Robinson -

 

"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant."

- Horace -

 

"We have significant concerns about the military's response to sexual assault in the combat zone. We have concerns that victims are not getting forensic exams. Evidence is not being collected in some cases, and they are not getting medical care and other services."

- Christine Hansen, quoted in Female GIs report rapes in Iraq war, 37 seek aid after alleging sex assaults by U.S. soldiers -

 

"Mud sometimes gives the illusion of depth."

- Marshall McLuhan -

 

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain."

- Mark Twain -

 

"In the name of religion, in the name of morality, in the name of nationality, people are torturing each other, killing each other. Beautiful names have been found for very pathological, insane things. Insanities are called 'nationalities.' Insanities are called 'moralities.' Beautiful labels on very ugly things."

- Osho -

 

"There cannot be too much of a correct theory."

- Ludwig von Mises -

 

"Be wiser than other people, if you can, but do not tell them so."

- Lord Chesterfield -

 

"I believe that to meet the challenge of the next century, human beings will have to develop a greater sense of universal responsibility. Each of us must learn to work not just for his or her own self, family or nation, but for the benefit of all mankind."

- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -

 

"The New York Times reports that Bush spent hours helping to put together political ads showing the Twin Towers smoldering in the aftermath of the September 11 attacks. Since "the day that changed everything" is supposedly the reason for all Bush's steadiness, you might expect that his record on September 11 would be paragon of single mindedness. But you know the drill by now. First he was against forming an independent commission to investigate. Then he was for the commission. Once the commission was formed, he fought tooth and nail to keep them from seeing the pertinent records, but he insists he is cooperating fully. He doesn't think he should talk to the commission for more than an hour. In other words, Bush is willing to give the commission investigating the key tragedy that occurred on his watch only a fraction of the time he gave his ad men to create the images he is using to exploit it."

- The Daily Brew -

 

"It is better for my enemy to see good in me than for me to see evil in him."

- Yiddish proverb -

 

"If you are all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed."

- Kate Halverson -

 

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

- Erma Bombeck -

 

"Experience is what allows us to repeat our mistakes, only with more finesse!"

- Derwood Fincher -

 

"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."

- Howard Aiken -

 

"I'm looking forward to looking back on all this."

- Sandra Knell -

 

"The fool thinks he has won a battle
when he bullies with harsh speech,
but knowing how to be forbearing
alone makes one victorious."
- Buddha: Samyutta Nikaya I, 163 -

 

"To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart."

- Donald Laird -

 

Nothing to hold on to,
Nothing to let go of,
Nothing to dissolve.

- Ashtavakra Gita 6:2 -

 

"Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night."

- Philip K. Dick -

 

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

- Andy Warhol -

 

"Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy."

- Janet Long -

 

"If I had my life to live over... I'd dare to make more mistakes next time."

- Nadine Stair -

 

"Without envy, the world could not abide, for none would marry or build a house."

- Midrash Tehillim -

 

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own."

- Scoop Nisker -

 

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle."

- Craig Kilborn -

 

"For having traffic with thyself alone,
Thou of thyself thy sweet self dost deceive.
Then how, when nature calls thee to be gone,
What acceptable audit canst thou leave?"

- William Shakespeare: Sonnet 4 -

"Fight for your opinions, but do not believe that they contain the whole truth, or the only truth."

- Charles A. Dana -

 

"Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it."

- Cullen Hightower -

 

"True religion is the life we live, not the creed we profess."

- J.F. Wright -

 

"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -

 

"Once a man has committed a sin once and then a second time...it [appears to him that it] is permitted."

- Babylonian Talmud, Yoma 86b -

 

"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."

- Janis Joplin -

 

"The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work."

- Richard Bach -

 

"The only joy in the world is to begin."

- Cesare Pavese -

 

Everything Else

I'm afraid I must insist you check out John Cleese's new site.

 

Actual video of George W. Bush being honest.

 

The phone rang and it was ABC news asking me to participate in a poll. Yep, I'm one of the 1,202 randomly selected people who answered these questions. It's fun to read a poll you participated in, especially when the numbers are low. I'm one of only six people who thought Kerry's politics were "too conservative."

 

The Berkeley Springs International Water Tasting Awards has decided that the best municipal water on earth is in Desert Hot Springs, which means the water coming out of my tap is better than the bottled water you're paying an arm and a leg for. Nyah nyah.

 

This is an excellent page of Hollywood/film biz links.

 

 

Subscribe to dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY

Link to Disinfotainment Today with one of these tasteful banners.

 

'TBH Politoons'

Thanks, again, Tim!

www.lawritersconference.org

Selected Readings

REPUG SLUG WATCH

STUPID IS A VIRUS

CHIMP BOY IS NOT RELIABLE

LOCO GRINGO BUSH

WHEN CHICKENHAWKS ADVERTISE

THE CHIMP GETS A FREE RIDE

TAKE SOME SWIMMING LESSONS

CHIMP BOY PUTS ON HIS THINKING CAP

BAKER: SLANG FOR BITCH OR BASTARD

from Mark

In The Chaos Household

Wednesday  -  03/17

The Information One-Stop

Moose & Squirrel Information One-Stop

Rolling Stones magazine founder Jann Wenner, left, accepts his induction award from MIck Jagger, center, and Atlantic Records founder Ahmet Ertegun during the Rock 'N Roll Induction dinner Monday, March 15, 2004 in New York.
Photo by Julie Jacobson

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

Refuses Return Invite

French singer Charles Aznavour, left, listens to reporters' questions as he poses with his just unveiled wax figure at the Musee Grevin in Paris Monday March 15, 2004.
Photo by Francois Mori

Film Dissects 'Bush's Brain'

Last Stand Reissued

In The Kitchen With BartCop & Friends

Prevails Over Axl Rose Lawsuit

Robin Buell, a senior in studio art at the College of Charleston, checks the setup of a model of the Temple of King Solomon at the Halsey Gallery Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004, as the display of 'Oft Unseen: Art From the Lodge and Other Secret Societies' was being prepared for display at the college in Charleston, S.C. The Temple of King Solomon is the structural and historical model for all Masonic Lodges.
Photo by Lou Krasky

$1 Million Disney Deal

Baby News

Formerly 'The Vidiot'

pissed

Author Loses Against Disney

A tourist takes a picture of a painted camel sculpture on a Dubai highway March 14, 2004. The project of 80 sponsored art pieces is the creation of Dubai-based company 'Art Work'.
Photo by Anwar Mirza

French singer On Trial

Set Auctioned to Fans

Sister Is New Publicist

Bubbles Sink

Peace activist Rachel Corrie is shown at the Burning Man festival in a photo from September 2002, in Black Rock City, Nev. Corrie, 23, a student at The Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., died Sunday, March 16, 2003, in the Gaza Strip city of Rafah while trying to stop a bulldozer from tearing down a Palestinian physician's home. A year ago, Craig and Cindy Corrie of Charlotte, N.C., braved the rain to join about 120 others at a major intersection to protest the war in Iraq. The next morning, on March 16, 2003, the Corries received a call from their son-in-law in Washington state, telling them that their 23-year-old daughter, Rachel, had been killed in the Gaza Strip.
Photo by Denny Sternstein

'The Osbournes'

Custom Kaleidoscopes by Ed the "BearMan"

Take Back The Media!

Blah 3

PersephonePlus

The Slab

What Really Happened

The Iraq Page

Today In Iraq

I'm Not Sorry

Progressive Spirit Blog

TrimmedBush

George W. Bush for President 2004

Who served?

The Chickenhawk Database

Congressional Members with Military Service

Who Died and Made You President? :: The Bean Magazine

100 Most Banned Books

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