'Best of TBH Politoons'
Thanks, again, Tim!
Baron Dave Romm
Bill Janklow and Eddie Clontz
By Baron Dave Romm
My theory of humor: never make fun of one thing when you can make fun of two things. David Letterman has his Top 10 List, but my list goes all the way to 11! You can read an archive of selected Shockwave Top 11 Lists. The past few weeks have been especially comment-worty.
Aired January 24, 2004CE. The political outrage of the week: Republican Bill Janklow, former governor most recently elected South Dakota's sole Representative in Congress, was convicted of manslaughter as he sped through a stopsign. This was not the first time he sped through that intersection with reckless regard, nor the first time that he was caught speeding. His sentence for killing an man: 30 days in jail, plus another 70 in work release. The death was an accident, but Bill Janklow could have gotten 10 years and should have. Drug addict and money launderer Rush Limbaugh got off without having to wipe the smirk from his face. Dick Cheney admitted he lied under oath about the company he was running, Haliburton, and the company's illegal deals with Saddam Hussein's Iraq. And now Janklow gets away with murder. Once again, Republicans are soft on crimeŠ when it's theirs. To honor this moral relativism, Shockwave presents...
The Top 11 Reasons Judge Rodney Steele sentenced Republican Bill Janklow 30 days in jail for manslaughter
11. Judge Steele was convinced Janklow is still looking for the real killer.
10. Manslaughter? He thought it was just speeding through a stop sign. He must have missed it.
9. Well, it was a guy from Minnesota, and South Dakota is still mad at us.
8. That's 30 days eating steak... without a sharp knife.
7. Standard Republican excuse for criminal activity: It's all Bill Clinton's fault.
6. Judge Rod Steele has the backbone of a rubber chicken.
5. Janklow had to resign his seat in Congress before getting South Dakota all its pork. Hasn't the state been punished enough?
4. Don't forget the really hard part of the sentence: Janklow will lose his driving license for three years.
3. Follow the money.
2. Drug addict Rush Limbaugh and other hate radio jocks would have said nasty things about him, and he can't take criticism from the right.
1. He was within his judicial guidelines, which are different for Republicans.
Music: I Fought The Law And The Law Won... oops, not appropriate...
Aired January 31, 2004CE. Tonight we'll be discussing the probably death of another of the 20th Centuries greatest cultural icons, Eddie Clontz. For 20 years, Eddie was the king of supermarket tabloids. Tabloid journalism was already a joke when people discussed The National Inquirer or The Drudge Report, but Eddie turned the screaming headline into an art form. Even after the Eddie's supposed death, the headline writing related program activities are being refined. There are thousands of headlines worthy of repeating here, but we on Shockwave are nothing if not topical. We must stay current on our outrageous headlines. I did an internet search for the Weekly World News, and Brian Westley and I made comments. All of these are from recent issues, some from the issue in supermarket lines right now. I kid you not.
The Top 11 Tabloid Journalism Headlines of the past few weeks from the Weekly World News
11. Pamela Anderson's Breasts to Become National Landmark!
Singular. Not landmarks, just one.
10. Dentists Refusing to Fix Vampire's Teeth!
In retrospect, one has to wonder why more dentists aren't
vampires. You'd think this is a logical progression.
9. Belgium Destroyed By Rogue Asteroid and No On Notices!
Not even Luxembourg.
8. NASA Shocker: Garden Gnomes Found On Moon and Mars!
What? No yardbutts or pink flamingos? Seems suspicious.
7. Evil Mole People Found In Wyoming
While I appreciate the underreported story about the mole people,
I object to the editorial comment. There's no indication in the
story that the mole people are actually evil. They should really
hold their reporters to a higher standard than the Bush
administration.
6. Dear Dotti: How Can I Tell My Husband I'm In Love With His Twin?
Good question! I hope Dotti responded well.
5. Aliens Are Here For Our Krispy Cremes!
Now, this makes sense. They've got to have a good reason for
coming here, and that whole War of the Worlds thing never held
together. Their previous hangout, White Castle, is being
usurped.
4. Everything's Been Great Since I Started Worshipping Satan
3. and in a related story, 7 Congressmen are Zombies
I didn't read either article, but I don't think they named the
Congressmen. Still, it does explain the easy passage of the Patriot
Act.
2. Peeping Tom Sentenced to Stare At Naked Ugly People
But what about the ugly people? Isn't that a punishment for them
too? Maybe they appreciate the attention, for once. The story
doesn't say.
1. February To Be Cancelled!
That would be nice.
I kid you not, he says again. If Jack Paar were still around, he would have fun with these too. Well, here are some pieces of music that, I suspect, both Eddie Clontz and Jack Paar would appreciate, though perhaps for different reasons.
Music: Headline Hustler by 10CC, etc.
Baron Dave Romm is a conceptual artist and a noble of Ladonia with a radio show, a very weird CD collection and an ever growing list of political links. Dave Romm reviews things at random for obscure web sites. You can read all his music recommendations from Bartcop-E , and you can hear the last two Shockwave broadcasts in Real Audio (scroll down to Shockwave). Thanks to everyone who has sent me music to play on the air.
Reader Contribution
More Bartcop Stickers
Reader Review
Superbowl Ads
CBS lied like a Bush about issues ads.
CNN tried to make up for traitor Novak's psychotic
attack on a bystander in NH by allowing the Moveon.org
ad to run. This was the same ad that CBS deemed to
controversial to screen during the Super Bowl.
To see the ad in question, go to: www.moveon.org/front/.
I changed channels to watch, it was on at about 20.17
EST in case you missed it.
So... what of CBS?
We don't do issues ads they said.
We don't do ads that might be found offensive they
said.
No issues?
Not offensive?
Liars.
Most ads were for beer, violent horror movies or penis
erection drugs - not one but two of them (Levitra and
Cialis)!
Nothing offensive - fun for all the family...
CBS, I call rubbish on that claim. You showed us...
A man being bitten in the genitals by a dog
A man soliciting for sex and having his pubic hair
ripped out
Setting fire to horse flatulence
A pet pony being shot to death
Children forced to eat soap for saying the word "Shit"
An elderly man assaulting an elderly woman and
knocking her down with a stick
A man injuring his neck attempting a motorcycle stunt
A man having a face painted on his naked chest and
belly
A monkey overtly asking a woman for a bestial sexual
relationship (A campaign ad for Rick Santorum
perhaps?)
A woman brushing the hair on her husbands' back
Oh, and if you want soft core porn, CBS will have it on the
Grammys next week judging by their ads.
As for a 'fun for all the family' half time show... I
call rubbish on that as well, CBS.
A partial strip tease during the song by P. Diddy and
Nelly.
Kid Rock wearing our nation's flag with a huge hole
cut in it while singing about crack heads and
Methadone clinics.
Janet Jackson in her S & M outfit singing while
backed by her cross-dressing male dancers. No issues
for Janet, 'No to bigotry and illiteracy.' Those
aren't issues. Right.
Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson having simulated
sex on stage and ending the show with Justin ripping
off half of Janet's dress to reveal her right breast.
Family fun at CBS? Hypocritical liars.
I must give a special thanks to you, CBS, for forcing
me to explain to my kids; "Erections lasting more than
four hours are rare but require immediate medical
attention." That was a more uncomfortable experience
than having to explain that Bush has spent a huge
portion of their future income on a war based on his
lies.
Or maybe it wasn't.
They took it pretty well; ten year olds don't seem to
fully grasp the concept of having their future
earnings stolen before they even reach middle school.
Which is the odd one out?
A. An ad telling us we should choose to vote
B. An ad asking if our kids should smoke
C. An ad asking if our kids should pay off the
national debt
D. An ad recommending open source code
E. An ad for soft ware so kids can 'live up to their
full potential'
You know already the answer but more important:
Why is it the odd one out? Could it be that our speech
is no longer free in America due to the biased acts of
such censors as CBS?
~~ Faun Otter
Thanks, Faun! Fabulous job!
from Mark
Another Phototoon
Reader Suggestion
Re: Moveon
This is the advert MoveOn should be promoting
I found this advert linked to on Eric Blumrich's Buzzflash site. It is the
advert that MoveOn SHOULD be promoting.
www.blackstarsblog.com/bushin41point2.htm
Brian dF
Thanks, Brian!
At The Super Bowl
The Marijuana Cheerleaders
A group of local artists and marijuana activists are joining native Houstonian Tracy Blevins, Ph.D., known as Medical Marijuana Barbie, in her latest performance art piece. "I'm taking the Marijuana Cheerleaders to the Super Bowl," she explains. "We want to bogart some of the media coverage at the Super Bowl, and use it to highlight the need for the legalization of marijuana for medical purposes."
Thanks, Sharon!
Selected Readings
from that Mad Cat, JD
In The Chaos Household
Last Night
Bright & sunny day.
Today I noticed that about 50% of the mail I forward from the Hotmail account disappears. Vanishes. Into the ether?
Alex sent a really cool picture last week of his backyard, I forwarded it & promptly forgot about it til tonight when I wanted a snowy picture exactly like the one he sent.
That's when I realized a letter from Mr. Hawk about Black Adder was missing, too. Argh. Wonder what else I've spaced...
In the pre-Super Bowl hype, CBS announced a 'special mystery guest' at the halftime show - who'da thunk it'd be Janet Jackson's right tit?
Tonight, Monday, CBS starts the night with a FRESH 'Yes, Dear', followed by a FRESH 'Still Standing', then a
FRESH 'Raymond', followed by a FRESH '2½ Men', then a FRESH 'CSI: Miami'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Dave are Regis Philbin and the Thrills.
Scheduled on a FRESH Craiggers are Jack Osbourne and Engelbert Humperdinck.
NBC begins the night with a FRESH 'Fear Factor', followed by a FRESH 'Las Vegas' (starts 1 minute before the top of the hour), then a
FRESH 'Average Joe: Hawaii' (starts 1 minute before the top of the hour).
Scheduled on a FRESH Jay are Rob Schneider and Melissa Etheridge.
On a traditional Monday night RERUN Conan are Jude Law, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Michelle Branch.
Scheduled on a FRESH Carson Daly are Ice Cube, Sarah Clarke, and the Star Spangles.
ABC fills the night with the movie 'Gladiator'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Jimmy Kimmel are Leah Remini, Will Arnett, and Don Barris, with this week's guest co-host Kathie Lee Gifford.
The WB offers a RERUN '7th Heaven', followed by a FRESH 'Everwood'.
Faux has a RERUN 'That 70s Show', followed by another RERUN 'That 70s Show', then a
FRESH 'Big, Fat, Obnoxious'.
UPN has a RERUN 'The Parkers', followed by a RERUN 'Eve', then a RERUN 'Girlfriends', followed by a
RERUN 'Half & Half'.
A&E has 'American Justice', 'Biography' (Bob Crane), 'House Of Dreams', a FRESH 'Airline', followed by another 'Airline'.
AMC offers the movie 'Amityville II: The Possession', followed by the movie 'Cop Land', then the movie 'Jaws 2'.
BBC -
[6pm] 'BBC World News';
[6:30pm] 'Cash in the Attic' - May;
[7pm] 'House Invaders' - Sawbridgeworth;
[7:30pm] 'Changing Rooms' - Grantham;
[8pm] 'Murder in Mind' - Favours;
[9pm] 'Wire in the Blood' - Right to Silence;
[11pm] 'Murder in Mind' - Favours;
[12am] 'Wire in the Blood' - Right to Silence;
[2am] 'House Invaders' - Sawbridgeworth;
[2:30am] 'Changing Rooms' - Grantham;
[3am] 'Wire in the Blood' - Right to Silence;
[5am] 'Murder in Mind' - Favours; and
[6am] 'BBC World News'. (ALL TIMES EST)
Bravo has 'West Wing', followed by the movie 'The Professional', 'Keen Eddie', and 'West Wing'.
Comedy Central has the movie 'Office Space', followed by 'South Park', then 'Out On The Edge'.
Scheduled on a FRESH Jon Stewart is Ice Cube.
History has 'Modern Marvels', 'Mail Call', another 'Mail Call', 'Come Home Alive', and another 'Come Home Alive'.
SciFi is all 'Stargate SG-1' all night.
TCM - Day 3 of '31 Days of Oscar™', where every movie is either an Oscar™ winner or nominee.
[6am] 'The Guardsman' (1931);
[7:30am] 'Possessed' (1947);
[9:30am] 'Marie Antoinette' (1938);
[12:15pm] 'A Free Soul' (1931);
[2pm] 'A Star Is Born' (1937);
[4pm] 'Three Comrades' (1938);
[6pm] 'Cat On A Hot Tin Roof' (1958);
[8pm] 'Duel In The Sun' (1946);
[10:30pm] 'The Nun's Story' (1959);
[1:15am] 'Wait Until Dark' (1967);
[3:15am] 'White Banners' (1938);
[4:45am] 'Their Own Desire' (1929). (ALL TIMES EST)
Actors Sean Astin, left, and John Cleese and director Peter Jackson, right, joke around following the presentation of the Modern Master award to Jackson, director of the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy, during the Santa Barbara International Film Festival in Santa Barbara, Calif., Saturday, Jan. 31, 2004. Astin appeared in the 'Ring' movies.
Photo by Michael A. Mariant
The Information One-Stop
Moose & Squirrel
Battle of Bush
Cyber Babes
There's a bit of a babe-on-babe political brouhaha brewing in cyberspace.
In one corner is www.BabesAgainstBush.com; in the other, http://www.BabesForBush.com.
The latter began in 1999 as ConservativeBabes.com, then morphed into its current moniker after George W. Bush was (s)elected president. They'd been humming along rather quietly, selling bumper stickers and T-shirts online, until BabesAgainst made the scene and began hawking over the Internet its sexy pinup-girl, anti-Bush calendar.
At its site, BabesFor called the competition's calendar "tasteless" and countered by creating an admittedly more subdued calendar of its own. BabesAgainst retaliated at its site, declaring, "This means war! (nonviolently speaking, of course)," and pointing out spelling errors at the BabesFor site.
Cyber Babes
Tops Guitar Greats List
Tony Iommi
Here's one "guitar greats" list that Jimi Hendrix did not top: "the 100 greatest metal guitarists of all time."
According to Guitar World magazine, the No. 1 metal guitarist is Tony Iommi, the God-fearing axeman with pioneering English heavy metal band Black Sabbath.
Six musicians claimed the next four spots: Metallica's James Hetfield and Kirk Hammett tied at No. 2; AC/DC siblings Angus and Malcolm Young at No. 3; Randy Rhoads, the late sideman for Ozzy Osbourne, at No. 4; and Eddie Van Halen, of the foursome that bears his name, at No. 5. Hendrix was No. 12, six places behind Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page.
The list appears in the magazine's March issue, which hits newsstands next week.
Tony Iommi
Janet Jackson (L) reacts after fellow singer Justin Timberlake ripped off one of her chest plates at the end of their half time performance at the XXXVIII Super Bowl in Houston, February 1, 2004.
Photo by Pierre Ducharme
Extra Security?
John Edwards
Sen. John Edwards had a penknife confiscated as part of a stepped up security search that caused a one-hour delay for the Democratic presidential candidate and others boarding his chartered plane.
Albuquerque security officials gave extensive screenings to those traveling with the senator, including hand inspections of everyone's luggage and carry-on bags.
"We must look dangerous," joked the North Carolina Democrat, who was forced to go through a metal detector along with other passengers, and to have all his bags X-rayed, before being allowed to board his campaign plane.
A pair of scissors, tweezers and assorted small tools used by photographers and television cameramen also were confiscated. The extra scrutiny, which was not explained, caused Edwards to be an hour late for his next scheduled appearance, a speech at a union hall in Oklahoma City.
John Edwards
Official Beer of Groundhog Day
Groundhog Brew
Hospitalized With Chest Pains
Barry Manilow
Barry Manilow was hospitalized after suffering from chest pain due to stress, his publicist said.
Manilow was hospitalized Saturday after returning to his home from New York, where he and co-writer Bruce Sussman had taken part in "two of the most grueling days of arbitration" in a lawsuit over rights to the musical "Harmony," publicist Jerry J. Sharell said.
The show, which has music by Manilow and book and lyrics by Sussman, is about the Comedian Harmonists, a group of singers popular during the last days of Germany's Weimar Republic.
Manilow told the New York Post at the time of the Philadelphia cancellation, "Other than the death of my mother, this is probably the most devastating day of my life. Maybe even more so, because it affects so many other people."
Barry Manilow
In The Kitchen With BartCop & Friends
Never Before Seen Photographs
Marilyn Monroe
It's Marilyn Monroe as you've never seen her before. Dozens of unpublished photographs of the late Hollywood screen legend have been released in a new book and are now on display at Berlin's chic Cafe Einstein.
There is Marilyn in a small boat in Central Park at sunset, or eating a hotdog alongside her husband, the playwright Arthur Miller. Photographed by her friend Sam Shaw, they are images of happier times in what was a tumultous life.
Up until 1999, the year Shaw passed away, the photographs were stocked in cardboard boxes in New York. His son, Larry, found them and decided to give the rights to them to Thomas Lardon. The value of those rights is unknown.
Marilyn Monroe
The gravesite marker for Nez Perce leader Old Chief Joseph stands next to a tree covered with dreamcatchers, scarves and beads in Joseph, Ore., Monday, Jan. 26, 2004. Whether the property bordering this sacred tribal land should be developed is the center of controversy in this small, northeastern Oregon community.
Photo by Don Ryan
Two More Seasons
'America's Next Top Model'
UPN has given an early pickup for the third and fourth seasons of "America's Next Top Model," the reality series that has generated strong ratings for the network.
The second cycle of "Top Model," which features a bevy of young women competing for a top spot in the high-stakes fashion business, has been a standout performer in an otherwise lackluster season for UPN. Tuesday's episode delivered the network's highest-ever ratings in the women 18-34 demographic (6.1/15), according to figures from Nielsen Media Research. The episode also ranked second in the time period in UPN's core demo of adults 18-34 (3.9/11).
'America's Next Top Model'
'Cultural Treasure'
Ray Charles
This month, Los Angeles Mayor Jim Hahn is expected to declare Ray Charles the city's "cultural treasure" as part of African-American heritage month.
Charles, an original inductee into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, won his first Grammy in 1960 for "Let the Good Times Roll." In 1987, he received the academy's award for lifetime achievement. In all, Charles has won 13 Grammys.
Ray Charles
Formerly 'The Vidiot'
Judge Tosses Suit
Snoop Dogg
A judge has dismissed a lawsuit accusing rap star Snoop Dogg of including a message left on his answering machine in a song without permission.
The message, left under the name Jim Bob, expressed the caller's support for Snoop Dogg in his rivalry with rap music producer Marion "Suge" Knight, the lawsuit said.
Superior Court Judge Lawrence W. Crispo, however, first ruled in November that the plaintiff had no expectation to privacy when he left the message. Crispo upheld the ruling Jan. 8 after the man didn't file a motion for the judge to reconsider.
Snoop Dogg
A couple kiss themselves next to Pablo Picasso's 'Le Baiser' 1969 oil painting at The Oca pavilion in Ibirapuera Park, Sao Paulo, February 1, 2004. The exhibition, 'Picasso at the Oca', with more than 126 paintings, sculptures and drawings, will run until May 2nd.
Photo by Paulo Whitaker
Celebrates Move To The Darkside
Chris Wallace
Chris Wallace recalls thinking colleague Brit Hume was nuts for jumping from ABC News to Fox News Channel in 1996. Showing how times have changed in the world of television news, it was Hume who helped recruit Wallace to make the same move a few months ago.
Now the host of "Fox News Sunday" and an analyst on Fox News Channel, the son of "60 Minutes" legend Mike Wallace spent more than 25 years at NBC and ABC.
Flush with the enthusiasm of a new employee, Wallace compares Ailes to Roone Arledge. While Ailes' background as a GOP political operative gets a lot of attention, many people overlook his talent and experience as a television producer, he said.
"I defy someone to watch us as opposed to CNN and not find the Fox programs more watchable," he said.
For a lot more, pull on your boots - Chris Wallace
New Version
Jon Blake Cusack 2.0
Tacking Jr. or II onto a boy's name is too common, a new father decided, so the self-described engineering geek took a software approach to naming his newborn son.
Jon Blake Cusack talked his wife, Jamie, into naming their son Jon Blake Cusack 2.0.
Version 2.0 was born Tuesday at Holland Community Hospital, and the proud parents took him home Friday.
"I wrote in the birth announcement e-mail stuff, like there's a lot of features from version 1.0 with additional features from Jamie," Jon Cusack said.
Jon Blake Cusack 2.0
In Memory
Jirayr Zorthian
Jirayr Zorthian, a sculptor, craftsman and painter well-known for his bohemian lifestyle, died Jan. 6 of congestive heart failure, friends said. He was 92.
Zorthian was famous for paintings of nude women that he said expressed "every man's fantasy."
Born in Turkey, Zorthian fled to Europe after two waves of political massacres. He arrived in New Haven, Conn., in 1923, and earned a master of fine arts at Yale and studied art in Italy in the 1930s.
Returning to the United States during the Depression, he painted massive murals, including 11 for the Tennessee state Capitol in 1938. During World War II, he served stateside in Army intelligence and painted a mural he would come to consider his masterpiece: "The Phantasmagoria of Military Intelligence Training."
Each spring for the past decade, he threw a "primavera" birthday party at his Altadena ranch. Zorthian, calling himself "Zor-Bacchus," wore a toga and nibbled grapes from the hands of nude models he called "nymphs." Guests including Caltech scientists, movie stars, artists, writers and musicians feasted on a roasted pig.
Jirayr Zorthian
In Memory
Andrew Kuehn
Andrew Kuehn, a movie advertiser who helped revolutionize the motion picture trailers played before films, died Thursday night of complications from lung cancer, his family said. He was 66.
Kuehn founded and headed the movie advertising firm Kaleidoscope Films.
He developed trailers for films including "Jaws," the "Indiana Jones" trilogy, "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial," "Schindler's List," "The French Connection" and "Star Wars."
Kaleidoscope's trailers became the benchmark for the industry with strong music, good editing and smart writing.
Though best known for the trailers, Kuehn also directed and produced the documentary "Get Bruce," and with singer Michael Feinstein produced and directed "The Great American Songbook," a PBS musical documentary that aired last year.
Andrew Kuehn
Rose Magubane, a resident of Folweni township near the coastal South African city of Durban, holds a baby goat named Umlingo meaning "miracle", who was born with only one eye.
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'The Osbournes'
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