Uh oh, I smell a sitcom. Coming this fall on Fox, it's...
Shlomo
Shlomo
The openly gay moyl
Living with a guy
Doesn't want a goil
Shlomo
Shlomo
Don't give him a kiss
Unless you want your party
to turn into a bris
He went to shul - his parents gave him quite a send off
Don't let him see your penis or he'll cut the end off
He does a little thing he calls a circumcision
but he's gotta wear his glasses if you want precision
Shlomo
Shlomo
The Openly Gay (and unfortunately nearsighted) Moyl
Shlomo comes home to his life partner, Moishe, who's preparing a soufflé.
Shlomo: Hoo boy, did I have a hard day.
Moishe: You had a hard day? My sideburns kept getting in the soufflé batter.
Shlomo: Easier than slicing off the ends of peckers of squirming babies.
Moishe: Stop complaining. You get more dick than Michael Jackson.
Shlomo: Oi, you're such a tease. Look at that punim. Gimme a kiss, you great big mensch.
Shlomo dumps a bag of foreskins on the living room table, gets out a couple of knitting needles, and begins knitting.
Moishe: What are you doing?
Shlomo: I'm making you a wallet.
Moishe: Out of those?
Shlomo: Yes. And the great thing is when you rub it, it'll turn into a suitcase.
Lots of canned laughter.
Cut to Viagra commercial.
The Magic Button Returns
You know the magic button, the one that magically makes hypothetical things happen? Surely you've got one. No? I've got three for you.
Push the button and absolutely everybody in the United States who has gotten away with premeditated murder is magically removed from society and transported to prison, forgetting for the moment that prisons aren't necessarily the best possible way to deal with sociopaths. I'm sure there's another button somewhere that treats sociopaths properly, but that's not this button. All this button does is remove potentially dangerous criminals from the public, making the world a safer place. How many would it be? Surely there are thousands of unsolved murders where the perp is still around.
Hell, I'd push the button. Wouldn't you?
Then there's button number two. Push it and absolutely everybody in the United States who has gotten away with forcible rape is magically removed from society the same way. Fuck them. Sure, I'd push it.
Push button number three and absolutely everybody in the United States who has gotten away with smoking marijuana is magically removed from society and put in prison. We're talking something in the neighborhood of 30 million people. Would you push the button?
No?
Good, you just came out in favor of the complete legalization of marijuana.
I Feel So Much Safe Now
"Former Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld cannot be tried on allegations of torture in overseas military prisons, a federal judge said Tuesday in a case he described as 'lamentable.'
"U.S. District Judge Thomas F. Hogan threw out a lawsuit brought on behalf of nine former prisoners in Iraq and Afghanistan. He said Rumsfeld cannot be held personally responsible for actions taken in connection with his government job.
"The lawsuit contends the prisoners were beaten, suspended upside down from the ceiling by chains, urinated on, shocked, sexually humiliated, burned, locked inside boxes and subjected to mock executions...
"'Despite the horrifying torture allegations,' Hogan said, he could find no case law supporting the lawsuit, which he previously had described as unprecedented.
"Allowing the case to go forward, Hogan said in December, might subject government officials to all sorts of political lawsuits. Even Osama bin Laden could sue, Hogan said, claiming two American presidents threatened to have him murdered.
'There is no getting around the fact that authorizing monetary damages remedies against military officials engaged in an active war would invite enemies to use our own federal courts to obstruct the Armed Forces' ability to act decisively and without hesitation,' Hogan wrote Tuesday."
"Does this mean all civil servants can torture people with impunity? Sure explains the way I'm treated at the DMV."
- guy who's gotta know -
"Slashdot and Cryptome report that the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is demanding the master key for the DNS root zone - a demand that has other nations alarmed. With the master key, DHS would have control over the Internet, as Slashdot describes, quoting an anonymous reader. - 'The key will play an important role in the new DNSSec security extension, because it will make spoofing IP-addresses impossible. By forcing the IANA [Internet Assigned Numbers Authority] to hand out a copy of the master key, the US government will be the only institution that is able to spoof IP addresses and be able to break into computers connected to the Internet without much effort.'"
"When other nations are worried, Americans, too, should be concerned. The Bush administration has demonstrated that it is unable to wield power responsibly. Therefore, its demand for Internet control should be viewed as an opportunity to abuse its authority to control a medium that has played a critical role in holding it accountable."
The latest episode of Bones, The Priest in the Courtyard (aired March 28), was a remarkable thing to see on prime time television, much less on Fox. In a display of total disregard for her partner's religious beliefs, Emily Deschanel, playing forensic anthropologist Dr. Temperance Brennan, revealed her true colors during her investigation of a murder at a church cemetery. She casually referred to God as her partner's "invisible friend" and the church as "supernatural mythology." And Rupert Murdoch let this on the air? Here are some more actual quotes:
"I'm supposed walk on eggshells because someone believes that a plot of earth has supernatural properties because somebody waved a wand over it?"
"Funny, a man who believes in an invisible superbeing wants to run my personal life."
"At one time most people were certain that the sun moved around the earth."
"Can't you just be satisfied that if I'm wrong about God, I'll burn in hell?"
"You know it was the Druids who first thought of the Yew tree as sacred. The Christians adopted the belief claiming it as their own."
"Actually, organized belief systems which fail to adapt to changing morays are demoted from religions to acknowledged metaphoric myth systems. I mean no one worships Odin any more, or Zeus."
"Can we take this with us or do we have to serve a warrant on God?"
"I'm not attacking God, he doesn't exist so how can I?"
Maybe you got it too, a series of pictures claiming to be the home of royalty, Sheikh Zayed Bin Sultan al Nahyan, with the caption "Amazing what $2.75 a gallon can buy." It's clearly an Arab palace in the desert, apparently bought with oil money, and it pisses you off royally.
So you go to Snopes and find out it's NOT the home of Sheikh Zayed Bin Sultan al Nahyan but actually a hotel lobby in Abu Dhabi.
And that's supposed to make it all better.
Except it was STILL bought with oil money and we're currently paying around $3.00 a gallon.
$100 Million in Boner Pill Ads Guarantees This Story Will Never Be on US Television
"A chance discovery by a Berkshire allotment-holder that a plant widely available in garden centres has the same effect on men as Viagra has been confirmed by experts at one of the world's leading botanical institutions.
"The plant is winter-flowering heather, and botanists at the Royal Botanic Gardens, Edinburgh, many of them heather experts who have recognised the source of its active ingredient, now expect it to be the next must-have plant in British gardens. Demand is already high. Nurseries and garden centres in some areas are having trouble finding sufficient supplies as word spreads of the plant's unexpected properties...
"The latest gardening craze was triggered by a discovery by a 55-year-old furniture restorer, Michael Ford, on his allotment. He was always experimenting with drinks made from different plants and one day he tried an infusion from his winter-flowering heather. He said: 'The effect was almost immediate. I had to stay in my potting shed for an hour or so before I could decently walk down the street.'"
U.K. defense secretary says talks are under way over 15 captured troops. Iran's Arabic satellite channel announced Sunday it would soon air "confessions" from two of the 15 captured British sailors, hours after about 200 Iranian youths threw rocks and firecrackers at the British Embassy in protest over the escalating standoff between the two nations.
Why are quotation marks used around the word confession when the confessions are made by UK troops held in Iran - but when prisoners at Guantanamo Bay are tortured by the US into confessing 31 acts of terrorism, no quotation marks are used around the word?
Moron That Story
"Gee, what would be the perfect manufactured excuse for invading a country? How about deliberately letting them capture some of your sailors? Then you've got to go in to save them. Yeah, that'll work."
- Karl Rove -
"I share the outrage expressed in the British press over the treatment of our naval personnel accused by Iran of illegally entering their waters. It is a disgrace. We would never dream of treating captives like this - allowing them to smoke cigarettes, for example, even though it has been proven that smoking kills. And as for compelling poor servicewoman Faye Turney to wear a black headscarf, and then allowing the picture to be posted around the world - have the Iranians no concept of civilised behaviour? For God's sake, what's wrong with putting a bag over her head? That's what we do with the Muslims we capture: we put bags over their heads, so it's hard to breathe. Then it's perfectly acceptable to take photographs of them and circulate them to the press because the captives can't be recognised and humiliated in the way these unfortunate British service people are.
"It is also unacceptable that these British captives should be made to talk on television and say things that they may regret later. If the Iranians put duct tape over their mouths, like we do to our captives, they wouldn't be able to talk at all. Of course they'd probably find it even harder to breathe - especially with a bag over their head - but at least they wouldn't be humiliated.And what's all this about allowing the captives to write letters home saying they are all right? It's time the Iranians fell into line with the rest of the civilised world: they should allow their captives the privacy of solitary confinement. That's one of the many privileges the US grants to its captives in Guantanamo Bay.
"The true mark of a civilised country is that it doesn't rush into charging people whom it has arbitrarily arrested in places it's just invaded. The inmates of Guantanamo, for example, have been enjoying all the privacy they want for almost five years, and the first inmate has only just been charged. What a contrast to the disgraceful Iranian rush to parade their captives before the cameras!"
"The British Government has published a map showing the coordinates of the incident, well within an Iran/Iraq maritime border. The mainstream media and even the blogosphere has bought this hook, line and sinker.
"But there are two colossal problems.
"A) The Iran/Iraq maritime boundary shown on the British government map does not exist. It has been drawn up by the British Government. Only Iraq and Iran can agree their bilateral boundary, and they never have done this in the Gulf, only inside the Shatt because there it is the land border too. This published boundary is a fake with no legal force.
"B) Accepting the British coordinates for the position of both HMS Cornwall and the incident, both were closer to Iranian land than Iraqi land. Go on, print out the map and measure it. Which underlines the point that the British produced border is not a reliable one.
"If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence."
- Bertrand Russell: Roads to Freedom -
"I'm a good believer in capitalism, which when you're making it is wonderful and if you're not, it fucks you and stabs your heart and rips your entrails out. Without money, you're dead in this society. When I had no money, I had nothing. Women didn't like me as much, I wasn't as charming. I was alone most of the time. Hookers never throw you a charity fuck and with shrinks I could not get therapy."
- Al Goldstein -
"Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, but not necessarily the whole truth, maintaining an overall average of at least 70 percent truth, subject to later verification by an independent panel, so help you God?"
"There is no meaning existing in life - one has to create it. Only if you create it will you discover it. It has to be invented first. It is not lying there like a rock; it has to be created like a song. It is not a thing; it is a significance that you bring through your consciousness. Don't wait for it. It never comes by just waiting."
- Osho -
"There are two fundamental truths about the war in Iraq. The first is that the administration did not tell the American people the true reasons for this war. Whether it was through deliberate lies or by false intelligence, the consequence is equal. The second is that the democratic election that took place in Iraq in 2005 was a victory for the majority Shiite, and for their sponsors, Iran.
"The administration insisted on early elections to demonstrate the Iraqi populace was prepared and eager for democratic governance. The election may have been free and democratic, but the results of the elections established the contrary.
"Iran through its surrogate Muqtada al-Sadr and his Mahdi army provided money and influence, and if necessary coercion, to assure the election of their chosen candidates. Those Shiite candidates won majority control of the Iraqi government."
"Let me clear it up for any moron with lingering doubts: It's worse. It's over. You lost. You lost the day your tanks rolled into Baghdad to the cheers of your imported, American-trained monkeys. You lost every single family whose home your soldiers violated. You lost every sane, red-blooded Iraqi when the Abu Ghraib pictures came out and verified your atrocities behind prison walls as well as the ones we see in our streets. You lost when you brought murderers, looters, gangsters and militia heads to power and hailed them as Iraq's first democratic government. You lost when a gruesome execution was dubbed your biggest accomplishment. You lost the respect and reputation you once had. You lost more than 3000 troops. That is what you lost America. I hope the oil, at least, made it worthwhile."
- Iraqi blogger riverbendblog quoted in attytood -
"Atop Iraq's al Basrah Oil Terminal, heavily armed anti-terrorism forces stand guard while the theft of the century may be occurring right under their noses. Tankers berthed at the sprawling platform, located off Iraq's southern coast in the Persian Gulf, take on the oil that is the lifeblood of Iraq's war-torn economy.
"Millions of dollars' worth of oil is stolen daily in Iraq because of the absence of oil meters, a basic tool for preventing corruption, according to estimates by classified CIA and State Department reports, the Iraq Study Group Report , a former consultant to a U.S. oil company and a former State Department adviser to Iraq's Oil Ministry.
"A six-month investigation by KTVT found the annual thefts run into the billions of dollars and help fuel insurgents, sectarian militias and corrupt officials as well as deprive the Iraqis of much-needed money to run their struggling government.
"'I would say probably between 200,000 and 500,000 barrels a day is probably unaccounted for in Iraq,' says Mikel Morris, who worked for the State Department's Iraq Reconstruction Management Organization (IRMO) in Baghdad. Depending on fluctuations in the price of oil, the thefts could be worth $20 million to $30 million per day."
"Forewarned, forearmed; to be prepared is half the victory."
- Cervantes -
"This is National Velociraptor Awareness Month! The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention, along with the North American Velociraptor Defense Association and the United Velociraptor Widows Fund, will be providing free velociraptor safety seminars at local Red Cross centers across the nation. Contact your local center for more information."
"If the day ever comes when there are no enemies left in the world, governments will invent them for us, so don't worry. Besides - who says we only spy on enemies? All history teaches us that today's allies are tomorrow's rivals. Fashion may dictate priorities, but foresight doesn't. For as long as rogues become leaders, we shall spy. For as long as there are bullies and liars and madmen in the world, we shall spy. For as long as nations compete, and politicians deceive, and tyrants launch conquests, and consumers need resources, and the homeless look for land, and the hungry for food, and the rich for excess, your chosen profession is perfectly secure, I can assure you."
- Smiley to his students in John LeCarré's The Secret Pilgrim -
"Published in the winter 2007 volume of Journalism History, 'Depression, Drink and Dissipation' finds that almost half of the best people to ever push a noun against a verb in newsprint were debilitated by depression, serious anxiety, or bipolar disorder; over a third were titanic drunks, pill-poppers, or opium-addicts; nearly a third were serial philanderers, and a sizable bunch were misogynists, man-eaters, or violent bullies. In almost every case, the tendency to booze, carouse, or otherwise self-annihilate developed or seriously deepened during their days in journalism. All this is enough to make Underwood, who left a career covering politics for the Seattle Times to teach at the University of Washington, wonder whether 'these behaviors and the choice of journalism and writing as a career are perhaps not unrelated.' Well, yeah...
"Psychologists have shown that neurotics can make good journalists when they project their inner doubts and dissatisfactions onto the world. This is the energy behind investigative reporting and the source of journalism's vaunted distrust of power, the argument goes. 'Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers,' Breslin says.
"For good or ill, journalism and neurosis may be inextricably caught up together, tangled in the timeless conundrum of what comes first. Does the profession break talented people with steady pressure, severe constraints, and public censure for missteps? Or does it attract broken talent who seek unstable schedules, extreme experiences, and the megalomaniacal pleasure of their name in print?"
"Meanwhile, another GOP county election official is also under intensifying fire. Lisa Schwartze, executive director of the Hocking County BOE, has been charged with allowing an unmonitored manipulation of electronic memory drives before the 2004 recount could be completed. A memo purportedly written by Schwartze also directs poll workers to recount a precinct chosen deliberately by Schwartze, rather than at random, as the law demands. Two Cuyahoga County poll workers have been convicted of felonies for similar behavior, and have each been sentenced to 18 months in prison.
"Schwartze's offenses, however, may not stop there. According to sworn affidavits from Sherole Eaton, former Hocking County DOE assistant director, Schwartze publicly bragged of having held Republican Party fundraisers in her executive director's office, a clear illegality. Schwartze may also have organized the fundraisers while being paid by the county to do her allegedly non-partisan job as executive director.
"Schwartze may also have supervised the shredding of voter registration rolls leading up to the 2004 election. Eaton's under-oath testimony strongly indicates this destruction of vital public records may also have been illegal."
Disacknowledgment is Better than That Acknowledgment
Disinfotainment Today seems to be grossly disturbed and for good reason. Anyone who isn't disturbed by the current state of affairs is either rich, Republican, or brain-dead. If you're disturbed by the fact I grabbed one of these images from you, you can suck Archie's dick. I maintain my inalienable right to make fun of and borrow from whatever I damn well please. All art is montage that grabs bits and pieces of reality into the singular expression of the artist. In any case, its fair use, even if you're disturbed and think otherwise. Go ahead, sue me. All you'll get is bad publicity you probably deserve.
The Brillington Bootlegger's dictionary describes
"BONG" as 'The UK Mixer who delights B00mb0x.org
leechers with stunning regularity'. Lurking behind the
intoxicating sobriquet is one hell of a fine producer
who has turned his past experience in performing &
recording music into a staggering number of long
mixes. From the high hilarity of the comedic-infected
"(I Don't Need No) Bad Drugs" to the chilled
confection "Born To Be Mild", he consistently delivers
solid tunage with excellent mixing. Such strong skills
earned him B00mb0x mix of the year with "Quiet
Happiness", a smooth, funky passage through laid back
territory.
After hearing some Bong mix, the Revered DJ fave of
many - The Geez, remarked "Hey, if it says "Bong" on
the tin, you know you're gonna end up grinnin' and
bobbin' your head like a loon, eh!" He knows whereof he
speaks, having crafted many a keeper set
himself. Amazingly, you can access the mentioned
goodness merely by navigating to the B00mb0x forum &
right-clicking. No money changes hands, unless you drop
some paypal credit as a welcome show of
support. Joining thusly also entails the member full
mix download privileges in addition to the current
mixes available to non-members. Beware! They are
addicting.
I was asked recently why DJ's like to make mixtapes &
I had to laugh. What better way to move an audience
through a variety of sound sources & keep interest
from waning than to seam the material into a
continuous, sequential whole. Bong succeeds at this
through his vast familiarity with music & his gift for
sound collage combined with looping & sampling. "Curry
Goat" is dubbed, spacey reggae. "Bass is the Place"
contains rare, obscure funk that goes through some
hypnotic detours. "Deep in the Vibe" compels dancing
with thick, bumping beats that batter you in the best
way. Currently showcased Bong mix is the
perfectly-preserved "McCannbient", an extremely mellow
affair that keeps interest splendidly through
judicious employment of familiar & unknown, yet
engaging audio clips.Mr.Lovely, himself well-known for
fine mixing stated "Loved it. Been a long time since I
heard a top notch full on ambient workout like this.
Original and appropriate use of samples and some great
tunes. I think therefore I ambient. Readers of last
week's column about bootleggers getting paid in
comments will realize Mr.Lovely's words are a full
paycheck.
.
Upcoming styles Bong expects to work in are unknown
presently, except his announced intention to put out a
Christmas mix next December. Talk about planning in
advance! Also worth mentioning in his foreseeable future
is a joint mix with accomplished mixer Beatonic to be
called "Big Joint". "I suppose there will be a few
other collaborations", he mentioned. "Big Joint's a fat
mix, created over the internet on decks, cdj's and
wavelab, so it's quite multimedia. It's track for track
with me winning the toss-up of a coin to see who's
going to open the mix," he added.
It sets the listener's ears to quivering to
receive such delicious news.Keep your hard drive ready
for more Bong mixes, they'll be done soon.
Snipers back at Baghdad market after McCain visit (Reuters)
The crack of shots fired by unseen snipers echoed on Monday through Baghdad's wholesale Shorja market, a day after U.S. Senator John McCain held up his visit there as one sign of improving security in Baghdad.
PAUL KRUGMAN: Distract and Disenfranchise (The New York Times)
I have a theory about the Bush administration abuses of power that are now, finally, coming to light. Ultimately, I believe, they were driven by rising income inequality. Let me explain.
Charles Murray: Jewish Genius (commentarymagazine.com)
Jewish accomplishments in the arts and sciences as well as Jewish IQ are subjects many Jews prefer to be quiet about. So here is a Scots-Irish Gentile from Iowa to tell the story...
David Bruce: Wise Up! Movies
Movie star Uma Thurman's father, Robert, has a glass eye. At a party, he once went for a swim -- and came out without his glass eye. Uma simply dived into the pool, retrieved the eye, then handed it to her father, who replaced it in his eye socket. (Robert was a Buddhist Tibetan monk -- the first Westerner to become one. He is a professor of Indo-Tibetan Buddhist Studies at Columbia University's School of Religion.)
Life in America: Tales of Love and Laughter (Free Download; lulu.com)
and
Life in America: Tales of Love and Laughter (Free Download; lulu.com)
Erin and I were deathly afraid of monsters, especially under our beds and in our closets. My father, being the loving person that he is, decided to make a "monster spray." The spray consisted of simply water. Of course, Erin and I were unaware of this until much later in our lives. Erin and I made sure he sprayed every area of the room and he would, which would make us feel better. I still remember yelling at him to come back in the room because I thought he had missed a spot. - From "Ten Times," by Lindsey DeStefano
CBS starts the night with a FRESH'Jericho', followed by a RERUN'Criminal Minds', then a RERUN'CSI: The 3rd One'.
On a RERUNDave (from 3/19/07) are Bernie Mac, Paula Abdul, and Joss Stone.
Scheduled on a FRESHCraig are Robert Rodriguez, John C. McGinley, and Noisettes.
NBC opens the night with a FRESH'Friday Night Lights', followed by a FRESH'Crossing Jordan', then a FRESH'Medium'.
Scheduled on a FRESHLeno are Jennifer Love Hewitt, Robert Rodriguez, and Brandi Carlile.
Scheduled on a FRESHConan are Ice Cube, BJ Novak, and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.
Scheduled on a FRESHCarson Daly are Eric Roberts and Jill Cunniff.
ABC begins the night with a FRESH'George Lopez', followed by another FRESH'George Lopez', then a FRESH'Jim', followed by a SEASON FINALE'In Case Of Emergency', then a FRESH'Lost'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJimmy Kimmel are Kurt Russell, Rachael Harris, and Elliott Yamin.
The CW offers a FRESH'America's Next Top Model', then a RERUN of last night's 'Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Pussy'.
Faux has a FRESH'Bones', followed by a FRESH'American Idol', then a FRESH'Til Death'.
MY has a FRESH'Saints And Sinners'.
A&E has 'CSI: The 2nd One', another 'CSI: The 2nd One', 'The Sopranos', and more 'Sopranos'.
AMC offers the movie 'Dances With Wolves', followed by the movie 'Open Range', then the movie 'The Last Hard Man'.
BBC -
[12:00 PM] The Weakest Link - Episode 78;
[1:00 PM] As Time Goes By - Episode 3;
[1:40 PM] My Hero - Ep. 5 Virus;
[2:20 PM] Keeping Up Appearances - Episode 7;
[3:00 PM] The Benny Hill Show - Episode 18;
[4:00 PM] The Saint - Ep. 1 The Russian Prisoner;
[5:00 PM] The Avengers - Ep. 12 They Keep Killing Steed;
[6:00 PM] Cash in the Attic - Episode 7;
[7:00 PM] BBC World News - BBC World News;
[7:30 PM] How Clean Is Your House? - Episode 14;
[8:00 PM] Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Episode 9;
[8:30 PM] Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Episode 1;
[9:00 PM] How Not To Decorate - Episode 2;
[10:00 PM] What Not To Wear - Season 6 - Ep 1 Women With Younger Men;
[11:00 PM] Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Episode 10;
[11:30 PM] Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Episode 9;
[12:00 AM] The Benny Hill Show - Episode 19;
[1:00 AM] How Not To Decorate - Episode 2;
[2:00 AM] What Not To Wear - Season 6 - Ep 1 Women With Younger Men;
[3:00 AM] Twenty Thousand Streets Under The Sky - Episode 1;
[4:00 AM] Twenty Thousand Streets Under The Sky - Episode 2;
[5:00 AM] Twenty Thousand Streets Under The Sky - Episode 3;
[6:00 AM] BBC World News - BBC World News. (ALL TIMES EDT)
Comedy Central has 'Scrubs', another 'Scrubs', last night's 'Jon Stewart', last night's 'Colbert Report', 'Chappelle's Show', 'South Park', followed by a FRESH'South Park', and 'Halfway Home'.
On a RERUNJon Stewart (from 3/26/07) is Sen. John Kerry.
On a RERUNColbert Report (from 3/27/07) are Madeleine Albright and James Fallows.
FX has the movie 'Alien Vs. Predator', followed by the movie 'Spawn', then the movie 'Spawn', again.
IFC -
[07:55 AM] George Washington;
[09:25 AM] Shadow of China;
[11:10 AM] The Children of Heaven;
[12:40 PM] George Washington;
[02:15 PM] In the Bedroom;
[04:30 PM] Shadow of China;
[06:15 PM] The Emperor and the Assassin;
[09:00 PM] Dark Blue World;
[10:55 PM] Below;
[12:50 AM] IFC News Special;
[01:00 AM] Dark Blue World;
[02:50 AM] Below;
[04:40 AM] Red Bull Ride to the Hills;
[05:10 AM] Unhook the Stars. (ALL TIMES EDT)
SciFi has 'Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King' (part 1 of 2), followed by 'Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King' (part 2 of 2).
Sundance -
[04:00 AM] Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance;
[06:00 AM] Plunkett & Macleane;
[08:00 AM] Land And Freedom;
[10:00 AM] The Alcohol Years;
[11:00 AM] The Umbrellas of Cherbourg;
[12:00 PM] James' Journey to Jerusalem;
[02:00 PM] Yanks;
[04:00 PM] Private;
[06:00 PM] Episode 1: Divided Kingdom;
[07:00 PM] Milo 55160;
[07:00 PM] Oyster Farmer;
[09:00 PM] Episode 1: Saturday;
[09:00 PM] Episode 5;
[10:00 PM] Emir Kusturica, A Tender Barbarian;
[11:00 PM] Black Cat, White Cat;
[01:00 AM] Mario Batali on Michael Stipe;
[02:00 AM] Happy Campers;
[03:00 AM] My Big Fat Independent Movie;
[05:00 AM] James' Journey to Jerusalem. (ALL TIMES EDT)
Roger Ebert's recovery from cancer surgery has been a "long and unexpected ordeal" but he plans to attend his annual festival for overlooked movies.
"I think of the festival as the first step on my return to action," Ebert wrote in a column celebrating his 40th anniversary as film critic at the Chicago Sun-Times. The column was posted Tuesday on his Web site.
Ebert said he'll watch the ninth annual Overlooked Film Festival, which begins April 25 at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, from the audience, with colleagues taking over onstage duties. He cannot speak due to a tracheostomy, a procedure that opens an airway through an incision in the windpipe.
"Because I'll be under scrutiny there, I'll tell you what to expect: a sick guy, getting better, who still loves the movies and the festival," said Ebert, 64, co-host of the "Ebert & Roeper" television show.
A faded green folder containing letters, notes and speeches believed to be written by slain civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. is set to be auctioned off in two weeks, and the King estate wants the sale effort stopped.
Isaac Newton Farris, president and chief executive officer of the King Center, said he had no idea the papers existed until Monday.
The collection had sat in the basement of a King friend for nearly 40 years. The woman said she got the papers in a debt settlement with a radio station connected to King, according to Gallery 63 in Atlanta, which is hosting the April 15 auction.
The Gallery 63 Web site describes the papers as a collection of "about 25 previously unknown documents," including first drafts of speeches and letters to and from King, all dating from the early to mid-1960s.
Sean Connery is such a patriotic Scotsman, that even his Mercedes-Benz is Tartan. The actor, getting into the custom Tartan Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG, is the Honorary Chairman of Dressed to Kilt, an annual fashion show in New York City celebrating Scottish fashion and culture.
Photo by: Llyod Bishop
More than 40 celebrities, including Reese Witherspoon and Orlando Bloom, have signed wooden "dog bones" for an online auction to benefit the Mississippi Animal Rescue League.
The auction is being held on the Charity Folks Web site through April 12. More signed bones will be added for a two-week period as they are returned by celebs, the organization said.
Lauren Bacall, Doris Day, Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, Donald Trump, Alec Baldwin, B.B. King, Tim McGraw, Morgan Freeman, Sarah Jessica Parker, Ryan Gosling and Betty White are also among the celebs who have signed bones.
Proceeds from the auction and this year's Fur Ball, to be held Aug. 16 in Jackson, will go to the new shelter's operating expenses.
Britain's three favourite words are love, serendipity and family, according to a charity effort to build a "wall of words".
Telecommunications giant BT and children's charity I CAN have already built a mile long "wall" from thousands of online submissions to their Internet site and are hoping to complete a second mile.
Although love was the top choice overall and the number one choice for women, antidisestablishmentarianism was the top choice for men and the ninth most favourite word on the list.
School's in session at Comedy Central with Monday's launch of online classes devoted to the art of stand-up comedy.
"Crash Course in Comedy" features 10 broadband video classes designed and instructed by comedian Ted Alexandro ("Comedy Central Presents").
Alexandro will give users tips on stage presence, joke development and how to write humorous material while illustrating his points with clips from the Comedy Central archive featuring such comedians as Dave Attell, Lewis Black and Greg Giraldo.
Seth Warren and Tyler Bradt, two U.S. kayakers who travelled from northern Alaska to the southern tip of South America in a lorry fuelled by vegetable oil and animal fat, drive their lorry in Ushuaia, Argentina, April 1, 2007. The two men aimed to raise awareness of biofuel during their nine-month adventure spanning two continents, which covered about 34,000 km (21,000 miles).
Photo by Enrique Marcarian
A centuries-old Stradivari violin sold Monday for more than $2.7 million, well above its estimated worth before the sale, Christie's auction house said.
The 1729 instrument, known as the Solomon, Ex-Lambert, went to an anonymous bidder in the auction house's fine musical instruments sale. Its price, $2,728,000 including the Christie's commission, far outdid its estimated value: $1 million to $1.5 million.
"It's a great concertizing violin," said Ric Heinl, the violin buying agent. "It was a bargain today. It's worth considerably more than that."
A freelance videographer who spent more time behind bars than any other journalist for refusing to testify to a grand jury won a judge's permission for his release Tuesday, lawyers said.
Joshua Wolf, 24, posted online the unaired videotape that he had refused to give federal authorities, defense lawyer David Greene said.
Wolf spent more than seven months in a federal prison after refusing to obey a subpoena to turn over his videotape of a chaotic 2005 San Francisco street protest during the G-8 summit.
New York Giants football player Michael Strahan models during the annual "Dressed to Kilt" fashion show, Monday, April 2, 2007, in New York, which celebrates the collaboration of classic Scottish fashion with modern design and benefits the Friends of Scotland Charity.
Photo by Diane Bondareff
Keith Richards has acknowledged consuming a raft of illegal substances in his time, but this may top them all. In comments published Tuesday, the 63-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist said he had snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine.
"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME.
"He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared," he said. "... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."
Police have issued arrest warrants for country singer Billy Joe Shaver after he shot and wounded a man outside a Texas bar, the entertainer's attorney said.
After Shaver left a bar in Lorena on Saturday night, a drunk, aggressive stranger with a knife followed him into the parking lot, said attorney Joseph A. Turner of Austin. Shaver shot him in self-defense, he said.
Shaver attempted to surrender to Austin police Monday night but was not arrested because the police did not have a record of the warrants, said Turner, who accompanied Shaver.
A smiling, life-sized sculpture of Barack Obama with a blue neon halo circling his head is seen, Monday, April 2, 2007, in Chicago. The work by School of the Art Institute of Chicago senior David Cordero, made for his senior show, has the phones ringing at the Chicago school as word spreads of the undergrad's work depicting Obama as a messianic figure.
Photo by Charles Rex Arbogast
The reigning Mr. Universe faces assault and resisting arrest charges following a run-in with police who mistakenly believed the diabetic bodybuilder was intoxicated.
Doug Burns, 43, was sprayed with Mace and wrestled to the ground by officers who were summoned to a movie theater Sunday night by a security guard, authorities said.
Burns, who was trying a new diabetes drug that night, said Monday he was preparing to see a film when he felt dizziness and poor vision - a sign of low blood sugar - and hurried to a snack counter.
"The fact is Mr. Burns assaulted our officer," Redwood City Police Capt. Chris Cessina said. "If he had just stood there and let us help him, maybe they would have called the medics if he didn't seem to fit the description of being under the influence."
Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band, but a Swedish couple is struggling to convince officials it is also suitable for a baby girl.
Michael and Karolina Tomaro are locked in a court battle with Swedish authorities, which rejected their application to name their six-month-old child after the legendary rock band.
Although little Metallica has already been baptized, the Swedish National Tax Board refused to register the name, saying it was associated with both the rock group and the word "metal."
Body-painted promoters stand to promote a new beauty product which a company insists, helps to reduce weight in Seoul April 3, 2007. Korean characters read, "Please try".
Photo by Lee Jung-hoon
A 43-foot-long magnet for the world's largest particle collider broke "with a loud bang and a cloud of dust" during a high-pressure test, and officials said Tuesday they are working to find a replacement part.
The part that failed March 27 was in a super-cooled magnet designed to focus streams of protons so that they collide and allow scientists to study the results of the collision, giving them a better understanding of the makeup of matter, according to Fermilab, based in suburban Chicago, which has an accelerator of its own and is helping build one deep beneath the Swiss and French countryside outside Geneva.
In a statement posted on its Web site, Fermilab said the failure that broke a glass cloth-epoxy laminate support resulted from a test of "asymmetric" or irregular force. Subsequent testing showed that the support was inadequate to withstand the longitudinal forces, which had been overlooked in the design process.
It's not drunken driving in New Jersey if it involves a Zamboni.
A judge ruled the four-ton ice rink-grooming machines aren't motor vehicles because they aren't useable on highways and can't carry passengers.
Zamboni operator John Peragallo had been charged with drunken driving in 2005 after a fellow employee at the Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown told police the machine was speeding and nearly crashed into the boards.
In this handout photo provided by Michael Burns, riders are silhouetted against the morning sunrise during an early morning gallop, Thursday, March 29, 2007, at Woodbine Racetrack in Toronto.
Photo by Michael Burns, Jr.
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