Tuesday

forgive the lack of capitals as I am text messaging. i am a writer for the colbert report and im tired of being muzzled. the truth has got to come out concerning the real story behind colberts presidential campaign which has been completely covered up by the press. im friends with one of the janitors at the wga, and after the last meeting i snuck around the offices with a key. i found secret memos (attached) between the wga and the south carolina democratic party in which certain hollywood contributors were able to bribe and blackmail the members of the election committee into stopping colbert from appearing on their ballot. colbert has a secret agenda to legalize prostitution, socialize medicine, and make gay marriages mandatory. behind the scenes, he's a tyrant, nothing like the character he plays, totally lacking in humor. he holds his breath when he doesn't get his way, and hes got a strange and incomprehensible fixation on bunnies. (he won't work unless one is in the room.) he doesnt like my punctuation and insists we put punchlines ALL IN CAPS. i wouldnt be saying this if it werent for the fact none of us writers really need a pay raise, were doing quite fine actually, and the whole strike is just a cover-up for their blatant manipulation of the electoral process. hillary doesnt want his name on the ballot and thats that. the best thing about the strike is i dont have to be in the same room with steven colbert and get a nice vacation from his tyranny. if you publish this please leave off my name.

sincerely,

gregory dacted

Comedy Central Press Release:
NEW YORK - We do not now, nor have we ever, had an employee named Gregory Dacted. Any statements he may have made concerning the relationship between the WGA and Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign are purely circumstantial.
Sincerely,
Gregory Splendant
Vice-President in charge of cover-ups, Murdoch Communications

Contract 2007 Negotiations Statement
LOS ANGELES - The WGA Negotiating Committee, on behalf of the Writers of Guild of America, West (WGAW) and the Writers Guild of America, East (WGAE), has issued the following statement regarding Contract 2007 negotiations: The strike is on. The producers have negotiated in bad faith. They put the screw in scruples, and the disinformation campaign has already begun. You may have already received an email from someone claiming to write for the Colbert Report or from a "Gregory Splendant" who supposedly works for Comedy Central. He doesn't. We ask you to take all this into account when you vote for Hillary.
Sincerely,
Gregory Diculous
Special assistant to the director of press manipulation, WGA

COLBERT REPORT PRESS RELEASE:
Steven Colbert won't allow the writers strike to get in the way of his presidential campaign. He calls on the internet to carry on for him, urging his fans to keep the ball rolling at his website. This new "homegrown" approach is separate from his relationship with Comedy Central, who continue to claim they're just producing a TV show with no political agenda.
Sincerely,
Gregory Lationship
Publicity, Colbert Productions

i also broke into comedy central and checked out colberts contract. it specifically delineates specific pay increased based upon precise numbers of viewers, which will unquestionably go down when its back to reruns this week and for god knows how long. translated into dollars, comedy central aint gonna be filling any colbert for president coffers. come on, guys, television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home. the point is carol fowler, the chairwoman of the south carolina democratic party, says shell return colberts check and hes going to need it if this strike goes on and of course my name really isn't gregory dacted.
sincerely,
gregory dacted

Rupert Murdoch Press Release:
New York - The next president will be who I say it is.
Sincerely,
Rupert Fucking Murdoch

PRESS RELEASE: Los Angeles Free Press
In solidarity with our fellow writers, the writing staff of the Los Angeles Free Press is on strike too, and promises not only to skip work today but to turn down any lucrative contracts that may be offered by unscrupulous production companies looking for cheap filler material.
Sincerely,
Gregory Verberate
Copy Editor, LA Free Press

We here at the Los Angeles Free Press were expecting our writing staff to come up with some sort of lead story this week about the presidential race, but since they're on strike in support of the WGA (Millionaire Screenwriter's Association), we've had to make do with a mysterious series of emails that came our way this morning. We seem to have stumbled upon a conspiracy between the WGA the South Carolina Democratic Party to prevent Stephen Colbert's name from appearing on the ballot. Since the whistleblower claims to be a comedy writer, the bad jokes seem to back his story. This is either a heinous travesty of justice or further proof that all the world's a stagecoach robbery where the sheriff's working for the banditos.

In any case, we'd like to thank whatever mysterious writer who may or may not work for the Colbert Report has decided to bestow upon us this fabulous story.

 

The actual writers of the Colbert Report are members of the WGA, as am I, so officially neither of us can write for the show during a strike, but journalism's another matter. There is nothing stopping any of us from writing an article for a newspaper concerning what we think should be on the Colbert Report this week, and if Stephen Colbert decides to use the material, that's fine too, as long as he doesn't pay us., which would make us scabs, not only incurring the wrath of Joe Eszterhas but the ghost of Woody Guthrie would haunt our dreams forever, not to mention disqualifying us from ever working for a WGA signatory again.

 

On the other hand, there's nothing to stop me from paying the writers of the Colbert Report to write an article/episode of the Colbert Report for the Los Angeles Free Press, so consider it assigned. Similarly there's nothing to stop me from accepting an ad from Comedy Central for the Colbert Report, the cost of which would mysteriously somehow match the salaries of his old writing staff, plus 10% for myself, even though I don't have an agent's license, which I don't need because this is just journalism, not television, after all.

 

Should Mr. Colbert decide to use the material written by his own writers but delivered in a newspaper instead of from the script department, I won't stop him. If Comedy Central refuses to run an ad, the writers will just have to make do with the standard stipend the Los Angeles Free Press currently pays its writers, which is nothing. They will, however, be satisfied with readers instead of viewers, though the chances of another Emmy are slim.

 

Either way, there's no excuse for there being no Colbert Report this week. The Stephen Colbert played by Stephen Colbert doesn't need no stinking writers and can tell the other Stephen Colbert to go to hell.

 

So come on guys, submit your stuff. Don't worry. No one will know. I'll put the Free Press name on it with a license from the Creative Commons. And if Stephen Colbert decides to use any of the material, I'll pass the check on to you, and we all get to feel like Woody Allen saying "You can all go fuck yourselves" to the congressional committee at the end of The Front.

 

What the fuck. Make it 15%