Tuesday

If a court in Saudi Arabia had decided that state sponsored schools could no longer force students to pledge their allegiance to Allah, everyone in America would have praised it as a sign that Saudi Arabia was marching forward into the 21st century. But let a court in America say exactly the same thing and everyone goes apeshit.

 

So let's get this straight. The whole point of separating church and state is to stop the state from coercing the population into the practice of any particular religion. That's why our forefathers crossed the Atlantic, to escape state sponsored religion. They created a nation for EVERYBODY, no matter what fool thing they believed in. This is a nation under God, Jesus, Adonai, Vishnu, Allah, Yahweh, Buddha, and Four Giant Turtles carrying the earth on their backs. To pick any one of these deities and make it the one that our nation is under, the one that all school children must pledge allegiance to,  obviously "respects an establishment of religion" and is therefore unconstitutional.

 

The only reason everyone's upset is because it's THEIR God the pledge seems to be referring to. If it was Four Giant Turtles, they'd have no problem with its removal. You may say that the word "God" is generic, referring to no particular deity, but your nose is growing. It's clearly a reference to the Judeo/Christian God, making those of us who migrated here to be free to worship Four Giant Turtles feeling terribly left out. After all, it's not a nation under OUR God.

 

There's only one solution. Since a pledge that mentions every single deity worshiped in the United States would go on forever, all mention of any belief system has clearly got to be deleted from the pledge. I recommend the following...

 

I pledge nothing to the nothing

of the united nothing of nothing.

And to the nothing for which it stands,

one nothing, under nothing,

with nothing and nothing for nobody.

 

 

 

Women in Swaziland's royal capital say they dare not wear trousers after a top official warned them that the offending garments would be torn off by soldiers.

 

 

Last year, New York State spent $6 million buying people Viagra.

 

 

 

My name is Patrick Bonner and I am a 22 year old screenwriter. I have finished 2 feature length scripts to this point and one teleplay. I am writing to you to ask how I may go about breaking into this business. You see, I live in Milton, MA. I know what you're saying, "MILTON, MASS! The Mecca of moviemaking... how has he not broken in yet?"

 

I firmly believe that I am one of the bright stars in the screenwriting world's near future. I love writing and am very good at it. Believe me when I say that I am not egotistical, I just have a lot of faith in my writing. I am 22 years old. I know I have plenty of time to do this. But writing is what I want to do for my life. All of my work has been entered into contests and I send out at least five query letters a day. I was hoping you could share with me some advice as to how I can better my chances of being read.

 

I won't pepper you with loglines and pitches, but if you would like to hear more about my writing, please let me know. Thank you for your time.

 

H Patrick Bonner

 

Patrick, Thank you for braving time and space to contact me. I can tell you that trying to get ahead in the industry without living in Los Angeles is problematic to say the least. Imagine for the moment that Bruce Springsteen is going to do one show at the 500 seat Troubadour in Los Angeles and you want to go. Sorry, but there are already 2,000 people actually at the Troubadour in line ahead of you. You want tickets from Milton? Ha. And again, ha! You're up against thousands of people who are just as talented as you, people who are actually in Hollywood and hustling 24 hours a day. Sorry, but getting ahead involves relentless hustling. You want to get ahead in Hollywood, come to Hollywood. You want to get ahead in Milton, stay in Milton. And on top of everything else, on top of all the shit you've got to get together to make it in Hollywood, along with the talent and ambition and tireless drive to succeed, on top of all that, lightning has to strike. There's no preparing for the insufferable odds against ANYTHING getting made, much less something good. Can you make lightning strike? You can be Robert Town, William Goldman, and Tom Stoppard rolled into one giant wad of talent, and if lightning doesn't strike you're nowhere because every one of them wouldn't have made it without a little bit of luck.

I don't mean to discourage you from writing. The realities of the marketplace have nothing to do with the joy of cranking out words with reckless abandon. I play classical guitar for at least an hour every day for the sheer joy of it, without any hopes of becoming the new Segovia. By all means write and write and write and write.

If it wasn't for disappointment, I wouldn't have any appointment. They Might be Giants said that and damned if it ain't the truth. I don't know how to tell you to get lucky. If I had any luck to spare, I'd give it to you.

You never know who's going to trade their soul away or what they're going to get for it unless you're Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn't you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.