It doesn't happen very often, reading a book and finding it so amazing you immediately go out and read absolutely everything else by that author. Kurt Vonnegut Jr. was my first but the list has grown, and he's now departed, leaving room for someone else. Skipping the more recently dead like Philip K. Dick and Truman Capote, and the REALLY dead like Dickens and Cervantes, my currently top ten novelists would have to be Christopher Moore, Robert J. Parker, Tom Robbins, James Lee Burke, Carl Hiaasen, Elmore Leonard, Dan Brown, John Irving, Neal Stephenson, and Stephen King. I've read every word, and that doesn't count skimming. (Anyone who's read Infinite Jest without skimming some parts is either a liar or David Foster Wallace.) In any case, there's nothing anyone can say to stop me from reading whatever any of them write next. Gotta keep my perfect record.
Not that I read them all to be influenced. I've never written a sentence anything like Stephen King, and one reason I read him is that I'm in awe of his ability to do something I could never do.
If I were Stephen King I wouldn't know where to start, but if I were Kurt Vonnegut, I'd write a book about Sam Hill, another war veteran who came back a pacifist, but instead of writing Slaughterhouse Five, he decided to completely rebuild a full-scale replica of Stonehenge in the Columbia River Gorge between the states of Washington and Oregon, not as an ancient relic but the way it might have originally looked, a re-imagining of Stonehenge much as Slaughterhouse Five was a re-imagining of the fire-bombing of Dresden.
One comes across Slaughterhouse Five in colleges and bookstores across the world, but one only comes across Sam Hill's Stonehenge if you're driving from Seattle to Los Angeles and you happen to take a left at the Oregon border, unless you're not me. It's important to reiterate the difference between finding out about Sam Hill's Stonehenge in a ridiculous newsletter and accidentally stumbling across the actual item in 1991 while driving home one day. I mean you're bopping along, marveling at the splendor of the gorge, debating the merits of the coastal vs. inland routes, snapping away, little knowing the shots would disappear in a mysterious fire years later, when suddenly, wham, there's Stonehenge. You don't remember crossing the Atlantic but maybe you did. Maybe you're just a figment of Rod Serling's imagination. The ghosts of future children in the car start crying "Dad, can we stop?" and I listen. Anybody who wouldn't stop the car to look at Stonehenge is the all time champion on "How Disinterested Can You Be?"
Turns out Sam Hill built Stonehenge in the middle of his hometown of Maryhill only for Maryhill to burn down one day - leaving nothing but his Stonehenge standing. He built it to remind us that "humanity is still being sacrificed to the god of war," mistakenly presuming that Stonehenge had anything whatsoever to do with sacrifice instead of predicting eclipses, therefore reinforcing the rumor that anyone who would do such a thing as rebuild Stonehenge is out of their goddam mind.
Let's say you're reminiscing about the present, looking back on your current situation. That's a good time to find yourself equally impressed by Kurt Vonnegut and Sam Hill, who built their own magnificent tributes to the victims of war by introducing random shots of beauty into our lives.
I once spoke to Kurt Vonnegut and it went something like this...
CHAPTER 38
Vonnegut's Complaint
Hello?
Yes?
This is Kurt Vonnegut Jr. Am I speaking to the author of The Wrong Bus?
Yes, and can I say what an honor and privilege it is to be speaking to you. You're one of my heroes.
Can the horseshit, dickwad, I just want to say that you absolutely do not have permission to use the Tralfamadorians from Slaughterhouse Five in your novel.
What are you talking about? I haven't used any Tralfamadorians.
Yes you have. They appear in chapter 65.
But this is chapter 38. I haven't even written chapter 65 yet.
Tralfamadorians are outside the time/space continuum, as you damn well know. They experience all time at once. They can see from this chapter that they appear in your book in the last chapter, and they told me all about it.
How was I supposed to know that? I'm still writing chapter 38.
It doesn't take a chronosynclastic infindibulum to figure out that what you're doing is plagiarism.
Come on. There is no difference between Time and any of the three dimensions of Space except that our consciousness moves along it.
So what?
Without the chronosynclastic infindibulum, everything's got to be in the right order.
And don't use the chronosynclastic infindibulum either. That's from Sirens of Titan.
Hey, if it wasn't for the chronosynclastic infindibulum, you'd have no way of knowing now what comes up later in the book.
Don't get smart with me, wise ass. Just cut my Tralfamadorians out of your last chapter.
How can I cut them out when I haven't put them in yet.
And you won't either.
No Tralfamadorians in the last chapter?
If you know what's good for you.
All right, I promise.
"I began writing because I found myself possessed. I looked at what I wrote and I said 'How the hell did I do that?'"
- Kurt Vonnegut -
I still don't know how he did that but I'm going to keep trying. I figure the best way to pay tribute to your favorite authors is to carry on in their tradition. So it goes. Thanks to Kurt Vonnegut every writer can safely ignore all constraints of time and space and convention as long as they're smart and funny about it. We should all be plagiarists as long as we're plagiarizing Kurt Vonnegut. The world doesn't have enough kindness or humor, so the next time you're driving from L.A. to Seattle, take a right at the end of Oregon.
I Feel So Much Safer Now
The US-appointed President of Iraq's Interim Governing Council, Muhsin Abd al-Hamid, has reclaimed Kuwait.
Download of the Week
Who'da thought everything Bob Dylan had done up to this point was just preparation for becoming the best DJ ever? First he listened to his record collection, then he wrote all those songs, and now his favorite thing to do is play his record collection for you, along with cool intros by Ellen Barkin and loads of stories and quotes from pals like Matt Groening and Stephen Wright. Someone's posted every Theme Time Radio Hour on Rapidshare. Here are links to the whole first year. Each one's about an 80MB download. Playlists are here. There, now you've got something to listen to for the next 52 hours.
Answers to Last Week's Stupid Question
Those of you who knew it was an indoor ski slope wrote and said so, complaining it was too easy. Those who didn't know, didn't write, which is usually a good thing.
Hitler didn't keep the trains running on time, he had Goebbels alter the timetables so it LOOKED like he kept the trains running on time.
Don't Take My Word For It
"Iraq was created by the victors of World War I. Its Shia, Sunni and Kurdish peoples did not choose to be flung together, and their antagonisms made the country a powder-keg. Saddam believed that such a nation could be held together only by brutally effective repression. Current events suggest that he may have had a point.
"Doubtless, Saddam's security services killed many Iraqis. However, the 2003 invasion appears to have resulted in at least 45,000 violent civilian deaths. Back in 2004, before things had reached their present parlous state, a study published by The Lancet suggested that the risk of death for a civilian in Iraq had already become 58 times higher than it was under Saddam. Taking into account invasion-caused mortality from accidents, heart attacks, disease and so on, it was estimated that Iraq had already experienced at least 100,000 additional deaths as early as September 2004.
"Saddam would have had his work cut out to match these figures. So, why are the Iraqis better off without him? The only answer available is that now they are 'free'...
"Saddam offered his people a harsh deal. Yet, their lives were at risk only if they chose to challenge his authority. Now, they die because of the sect to which they happen to belong. Soon, their country may fall prey to a savage civil war. If that happens, the Iranians will doubtless intervene, along, perhaps, with Turkey and Israel. No one can predict where that might lead, but the outcome is unlikely to be positive for peace, prosperity, justice or, indeed, human rights.
"If Saddam were still in power, he would have stopped this happening. Iraq's dissidents would have paid a price, but the rest of us would be a lot better off."
"We are all mutants. But some of us are more mutant than others." - Armand Marie Leroi -
"Call me quaint and old-fashioned, but aren't reporters supposed to be watchdogs for the public interest rather than lapdogs for the power establishment? "Instead of digging into the juicy story of the White House hatchet job on seven U.S. attorneys, too many major media figures are clucking their tongues at those trying to investigate the scandal. A CNBC correspondent chastised Democrats for looking 'too political in exploiting this,' and Richard Stengel, Time magazine's managing editor, declared that the Democrats should back off their pursuit of truth 'because it is so bad for them.'
"Excuse me aren't journalists supposed to be hungry for truth, eager to uncover misconduct in high places, or at least be mildly curious about who did what in the White House? Far from doing their jobs, however, media figures are embarrassing themselves by rebuking members of Congress for trying to do their constitutional duty."
"You've been taken to the cleaners, and you don't even know your pants are off."
- Melvyn Douglas as Bill Cole in Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House -
"A successful life is to go from one failure to another without any loss of enthusiasm."
- Sir Winston Churchill -
"The Proof is In the Pricing. There are 42 gallons in a barrel. It takes a rise in oil of $42 to cause a dollar increase in gasoline. The Price of Oil has risen $10.50 in the last 6 months. This corresponds to a 25 cent increase per gallon. Yet we see a $1.00 rise in the price of gasoline. You see the Republican Party & Bush have allowed the Oil Companies to Price Gouge the American People all along."
- Howard Scott Pearlman -
"A gallon of milk is probably about a $1.50, a loaf of bread about a $1.25, $1.30."
"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters."
- Margaret Halsey -
"In all very numerous assemblies, of whatever character composed, passion never fails to wrest the sceptre from reason."
- Alexander Hamilton & James Madison -
"Anytime a bunch of holy people wanna kill each other, I'm a happy guy!"
- George Carlin -
"Music is no longer just music but a small subset of a corporation's properties. Property rights have become so absurdly swollen that they now constitute a smokescreen hiding a corporate power grab on a scale rivaling that of the great robber barons of the nineteenth century. Instead of grabbing land or oil, today's corporate barons are seizing control of culture. They are using the legal construct of property to extend the reach of corporate power into parts of our lives that were previously beyond their grasp...
"'Property rights' have bloated to the point where they can dictate the content of freshman art projects. But that is not all. Altogether more and more of what we do in our lives passes through the Web. People invite friends to parties, view art, listen to music, play games, have political discussions, date and fall in love, post their family photo albums, share their dreams, and play out sexual fantasies - all on line. Since corporate legal departments claim their copyright privileges extend to anything on the Web, the result is a huge extension of corporate power into private lives and social networks."
"Perhaps the most powerful idea to filter through from the universities to the streets was articulated by Foucault, who adapted and popularised the Nietzschean idea that what passes for truth is actually no more than power. There are no facts, only attempts to impose your view on the world by fixing it as 'The Truth'. This idea is now so mainstream that even a conservative like Donald Rumsfeld could complain about those who lived in the 'reality-based community', arguing 'that's not the way the world really works anymore ... when we act, we create our own reality.'
"Most Anglophone philosophers find this kind of hyper-skepticism absurd and pernicious. But although these ideas were hatched by philosophers, they have gained wide currency in the humanities and the social sciences, often in bastardized form.
"Some philosophers, such as Bernard Williams and Simon Blackburn, have waded into the public debate in an attempt to put the relativist genie back into the bottle. Books such as Why Truth Matters, by my colleagues Jeremy Stangroom and Ophelia Benson, have also tried to stem the tide. But this is not really a highbrow academic debate about whether there is Truth with a capital T - it is about how abstract ideas relate to the business of everyday life."
"Small publishers doing journalism have to think carefully about the risks they are willing to take, especially since the legal definition of a journalist is subject to debate. Of course, freelancers and small publishers who commit acts of journalism have to understand that courts may not be willing, for example, to extend state shield laws protections to them. It's also important to understand that federal prosecutors have broad subpoena powers when it comes to forcing the disclosure of information they deem important for a criminal investigation.
"Nothing better illustrates the risks small publishers take than the case of videoblogger Josh Wolf, who was released from federal prison in early April after serving 8 months for refusing to turn over video outtakes from a July 2005 demonstration to a grand jury. Wolf claimed that, as a journalist, he was entitled to withhold the information under California's shield law. However, the court rejected his claim because Wolf was not employed by a news organization at the time that he shot the video.
"Be clear about your purpose. It's because of Wolf and other citizen-journalists that Christine Tatum, president of the Society of Professional Journalists, thinks that the definition of a journalist should be expanded beyond those who are paid to report the news. 'We want to define journalists as people who are gathering information with the purposes of distributing it,' Tatum says. 'Rather than question for me being, "was that person a journalist?" the question for me is, "was that person practicing journalism?"'
"That view of journalists was part of the reason SPJ donated $31,000 to Wolf's legal defense and helped him obtain the services of top-notch legal counsel. But Tatum acknowledges that the law has not embraced that definition, and neither do many bloggers. Noting that many bloggers say they aren't journalists but want the legal protections afforded to journalists, she said, 'I encourage people to really take a long and hard look at what is it you are, really?'"
"Today, we need a nation of Minutemen, citizens who are not only prepared to take arms, but citizens who regard the preservation of freedom as the basic purpose of their daily life and who are willing to consciously work and sacrifice for that freedom."
- John F. Kennedy -
"Fascism will come to this country and it will come disguised as Americanism."
- Governor Huey Long -
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
- Emo Philips -
"The enemy as well as innocent civilians must be bombed into quivering terror." - Ann Coulter -
"Goddamn newspapers - they're a bunch of sluts."
- Richard Nixon to Henry Kissinger -
"On 1 March 07, I was scheduled to fly on American Airlines to Newark, NJ, to attend an academic conference at Princeton University, designed to focus on my latest scholarly book, Constitutional Democracy, published by Johns Hopkins University Press this past Thanksgiving.
"When I tried to use the curb-side check in at the Sunport, I was denied a boarding pass because I was on the Terrorist Watch list. I was instructed to go inside and talk to a clerk. At this point, I should note that I am not only the McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence (emeritus) but also a retired Marine colonel. I fought in the Korean War as a young lieutenant, was wounded, and decorated for heroism. I remained a professional soldier for more than five years and then accepted a commission as a reserve office, serving for an additional 19 years.
"I presented my credentials from the Marine Corps to a very polite clerk for American Airlines. One of the two people to whom I talked asked a question and offered a frightening comment: 'Have you been in any peace marches? We ban a lot of people from flying because of that.' I explained that I had not so marched but had, in September, 2006, given a lecture at Princeton, televised and put on the Web, highly critical of George Bush for his many violations of the Constitution. 'That'll do it,' the man said."
"The former commander of Iraq's Republican Guard has accused the US of using non-conventional weapons in its war against the Middle East country.
"Saifeddin Fulayh Hassan Taha al-Rawi told Al Jazeera that US forces used neutron and phosphorus bombs during their assault on Baghdad airport before the April 9 capture of the Iraqi capital.
"'The enemy used neutron and phosphorus weapons against Baghdad airport... there were bodies burnt to their bones,' he said.
"'The bombs annihilated soldiers but left the buildings and infrastructure at the airport intact,' he added."
"Iraqis who once celebrated and even participated in pulling down Saddam Hussein's statue four years ago when US tanks rolled into Baghdad in a heart-breaking scene for many Arabs and Muslims are now lamenting the good old days under the late president."
"You know how whenever there's a major Bush administration scandal it always traces back to some incompetent political hack appointment and you think to yourself, 'Where are they getting these screw-ups from?' Well, now we know: from Pat Robertson. I wish I were kidding, but I'm not. Take Monica Goodling, who before she resigned last week because of the U.S. attorneys scandal, was the third most powerful official in the Justice Department of the United States. Thirty-three, and though she had never even worked as a prosecutor, she was tasked with overseeing the job performance of all 95 U.S. attorneys. How do you get to be such a top dog at 33? By acing Harvard, or winning scholarship prizes? No, Goodling did her undergraduate work at Messiah College - home of the 'Fighting Christies,' who wait-listed me, the bastards - and then went on to attend Pat Robertson's law school.
"I'm not kidding, Pat Robertson, the man who said gay people at DisneyWorld would cause 'earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor,' has a law school. It's called Regent. Regent University School of Law, and it shares a campus with Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network studios. It's the first time ever that a TV network spun off a law school. And that's all America needs - more Christians and more lawyers. You see, years ago Pat became concerned that our legal system was coddling criminals, forgiving them instead of meting out that Old Testament 'eye for an eye' justice Jesus Christ never shuts up about. So Pat did what any red-blooded, Hindu-hating, gay-baiting, glue-sniffing Christian would do: He started his own law school. And what kid wouldn't want to attend? It's three years and you only have to read one book. The school says its mission is to create an army of evangelical lawyers, integrating the Bible and public policy, and producing graduates that provide 'Christian leadership to change the world.' Presumably from round back to flat.
"U.S. News and World Report, which does the definitive ranking of colleges, lists Regent as a tier-four school, which is the lowest score it gives. It's not a hard school to get into. You have to renounce Satan and draw a pirate on a matchbook. This is for the people who couldn't get into the University of Phoenix.
"But there's more! As there inevitably is with the Bush administration. Turns out she's not the only one. Since 2001, 150 graduates of Regent University have been hired by the Bush administration. And people wonder why things are so screwed up. Hell, we probably invaded Iraq because one of these clowns read the map wrong. Forget religion for a second, we're talking about a top Justice Department official who went to a college founded by a TV host. Would you send your daughter to Maury Povich University? And if you did, would you expect her to get a job at the White House? I'd be surprised if she got a job on the 'Maury' show. And then it hit me: This is why Bush scandals never catch on with the public - they're all evangelicals of course, and nobody is having sex.
"So there you have it: It turns out that the Justice Department is entirely staffed with Jesus freaks from a televangelist diploma mill in Virginia Beach. Most of them young women with very little knowledge of the law, but a very strong sense of doing what they're told. Like the Manson family, but with cleaner hair...
"And by the way, the lawyer Monica Goodling just hired to keep her ass out of jail went to a real law school."
"Had Enough? Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, "Stay the course." Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America, not the damned Titanic. I'll give you a sound bite: Throw the bums out! You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore. The President of the United States is given a free pass to ignore the Constitution, tap our phones, and lead us to war on a pack of lies.Congress responds to record deficits by passing a huge tax cut for the wealthy (thanks, but I don't need it). The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq, the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving pom-poms instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of America my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for.
"I've had enough. How about you? I'll go a step further. You can't call yourself a patriot if you're not outraged. This is a fight I'm ready and willing to have. My friends tell me to calm down. They say, 'Lee, you're eighty-two years old. Leave the rage to the young people.' I'd love to, as soon as I can pry them away from their iPods for five seconds and get them to pay attention. I'm going to speak up because it's my patriotic duty...
"So here's where we stand. We're immersed in a bloody war with no plan for winning and no plan for leaving. We're running the biggest deficit in the history of the country. We're losing the manufacturing edge to Asia, while our once-great companies are getting slaughtered by health care costs. Gas prices are skyrocketing, and nobody in power has a coherent energy policy. Our schools are in trouble. Our borders are like sieves. The middle class is being squeezed every which way. These are times that cry out for leadership.
"But when you look around, you've got to ask: 'Where have all the leaders gone?' Where are the curious, creative communicators? Where are the people of character, courage, conviction, competence, and common sense? I may be a sucker for alliteration, but I think you get the point.
"Name me a leader who has a better idea for homeland security than making us take off our shoes in airports and throw away our shampoo? We've spent billions of dollars building a huge new bureaucracy, and all we know how to do is react to things that have already happened. Name me one leader who emerged from the crisis of Hurricane Katrina. Congress has yet to spend a single day evaluating the response to the hurricane, or demanding accountability for the decisions that were made in the crucial hours after the storm. Everyone's hunkering down, fingers crossed, hoping it doesn't happen again. Now, that's just crazy. Storms happen. Deal with it. Make a plan. Figure out what you're going to do the next time...
"I have news for the gang in Congress. We didn't elect you to sit on your asses and do nothing and remain silent while our democracy is being hijacked and our greatness is being replaced with mediocrity. What is everybody so afraid of? That some bobblehead on Fox News will call them a name? Give me a break."
"I'd like to point out that nobody has ever entered my house and said to themselves Gee, this place could use some more junk in it. I'd also like to point out I just took a five minute break between the last sentence and this one in order to go outside and look at a rainbow, perfect, end to end, not a cloud in the sky except for the hills to the west, remnants of rain, unobstructed view of nothing man-made for a good 40 miles, insanely clear, a celebration of something, don't ask me what, the garbage? If I had a camera I'd snap it, if I had watercolors I'd paint it, and if I had a philharmonic orchestra in my basement I'd write them a symphony about it, but all I've got are words at my disposal, and how can I ask you to imagine a perfect rainbow without sounding like a dipshit? So forget the whole thing. I have no link to give you proving this rainbow exists anywhere but my head, so please delete everything after the first sentence of this paragraph, up to and including the following period.
"Am I expected to do everything around here? I found an empty box of cereal in the middle of the living room and just left it there to see if anyone else would bother to pick it up. How long do I give it to make a point? Weeks? Months? What do they think when they see the box? Only two possibilities. 1) I see it and I don't care, or 2) Dad'll get it.
"They don't understand that every time there's something that needs to be done, I see it as something THEY haven't done. Who didn't fill the ice cube trays? They didn't. It wasn't me who didn't do it, it was them.
"Or even worse, maybe they didn't notice something in plain sight. Is there something wrong with their eyes? Apparently my life is a gameshow called "How Lazy Can You Be?"
"I'm so lazy I'd rather get up and get another ashtray than empty the full one in front of me."
"Oh yeah? Well I'm so lazy I'd rather walk half a mile into the desert to pee than do it in the bathroom and have to go to all the trouble of flushing the toilet."
"There's no way to get ahead in life without noticing things, and don't think I haven't noticed. People are only impressed by things you notice and never by things you didn't. People are even LESS impressed by the things you didn't DO than the things you didn't notice. Has anyone ever said to you Wow, it's so cool you didn't do anything? You'll never move forward with proud declarations of what you haven't done or noticed. Notice things! Do things! That's my motto."
- guess who -
"For the first time since the Great Depression, the U.S. personal savings rate has 'gone negative.' In 2005 and 2006, U.S. citizens spent more than they made. Economists disagree about just how ominous this is, but they generally agree on why it's happening. Americans are 'overspending.'...
"If I said to you, 'You can have $10,000 to spend now - or $9,500 to spend in 10 years,' which would you choose? Probably the $10,000 now. And in doing so, you would be making the same choice many Americans make when deciding whether to save or spend their hard-earned cash."
"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time."
- James Thurber -
"To hell with the advances in computers. YOU are supposed to advance and become, not the computers. Find out what's inside you. And don't kill anybody."
"It makes you realize what a helacious shithole Indiana must be." - The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi, on Rep. Mike Pence comparing the Baghdad marketplace to summertime in Indiana -
"I don't believe anybody. Even the most knowledgeable person on any subject has only a small fraction of the big picture. Whatever anyone says, you add it or subtract if from the big picture. Multiplication and division are out. As soon as you start multiplying and dividing the big picture by individual pieces that happen to fit together, you end up with a sum that's far from a summation."
- Kilgore Trout -
"There's only one thing more powerful than evil, and that's us."
Andrew Tobias: Who's Running the Show (andrewtobias.com)
I guess we've learned that who runs the world matters, which is why politics - as imperfect as it is (you try winning the support of a wildly diverse group of people without stumble or compromise) - also matters. ... So who runs the world? And how have they been trying to make that permanent? A trio of links today:
A woman of courage (guardian.co.uk)
Aung San Suu Kyi, the opposition leader who has been detained by Burma's military regime for nearly 20 years, is a true hero for our times, writes the chancellor, Gordon Brown, in this extract from his new book.
Kurt Vonnegut: The Exit Interview
In this Feb. 2007 interview, the legendary author talks about growing up in Indianapolis, FDR, the KKK and Anna Nicole Smith.
Susie Bright: Revenge of the World Bank Secretaries
Want to know what really goes on at the World Bank? Then Bank Swirled, an underground satirical newspaper published by low-level World Bank employees, is a must-read.
zEN mAN (enjoying the budding friendship of three little girls meeting at Tassajara Monastery and watching how well they get along...like the whole world should)
CBS begins the night with a RERUN'NCIS', followed by a RERUN'The Unit', then '48 Hours'.
Scheduled on a FRESHDave are Craig Ferguson, "Vote for the Worst" creator Dave Della Terza, and Avril Lavigne.
On a RERUNCraig (from 3/29/07) are Jeff Goldblum, Jacoby Shaddix, and Papa Roach.
NBC starts the night with 'Dateline', followed by a RERUN'Law & Order: Criminal Intent', then a RERUN'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit'.
Scheduled on a FRESHLeno are Rosario Dawson and Three Days Grace.
On a RERUNConan (from 1/12/07) are Kiefer Sutherland, Jill Hennessy, and Gym Class Heroes.
On a RERUNCarson Daly (from 2/20/07) are Michael Rapaport, Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals featuring Charlie Musselwhite.
ABC opens the night with a FRESH'George Lopez', followed by another FRESH'George Lopez', then a FRESH'Dancing With The Stars', followed by a FRESH'Boston Legal'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJimmy Kimmel are Paul Reubens, the latest "Dancing with the Stars" castoff, Silversun Pickups.
The CW offers a FRESH'Gilmore Girls', followed by a FRESH'Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Pussy'.
Faux has a FRESH'American Idol', followed by a FRESH'House'.
MY has a FRESH'American Heiress', followed by another FRESH'American Heiress'.
A&E has 'CSI: The 2nd One', another 'CSI: The 2nd One', 'Dog The Bounty Hunter', 'Driving Force', and another 'Driving Force'.
AMC offers the movie 'Black Widow', followed by the movie 'Dead Calm', then the movie 'Misery'.
BBC -
[12:00 PM] The Weakest Link - Episode 87;
[1:00 PM] As Time Goes By - Episode 1;
[1:40 PM] My Hero - Episode 3;
[2:20 PM] Keeping Up Appearances - Episode 1;
[3:00 PM] The Benny Hill Show - Episode 27;
[4:00 PM] The Saint - Ep. 9 Locate and Destroy;
[5:00 PM] The Avengers - Ep. 20 Stay Tuned;
[6:00 PM] The Weakest Link - Episode 88;
[7:00 PM] BBC World News - BBC World News;
[7:30 PM] How Clean Is Your House? - Episode 5;
[8:00 PM] Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Episode 10;
[8:30 PM] Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Episode 9;
[9:00 PM] Robin Hood - Ep 6 The Taxman Cometh;
[10:00 PM] Robin Hood - Ep 7 The Brothers A Dale;
[11:00 PM] Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Episode 6;
[11:30 PM] Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Episode 19;
[12:00 AM] The Benny Hill Show - Episode 28;
[1:00 AM] Robin Hood - Ep 7 The Brothers A Dale;
[2:00 AM] The Avengers - Ep. 6 The Winged Avenger;
[3:00 AM] Vincent - Episode 3;
[4:30 AM] Vincent - Episode 4;
[6:00 AM] BBC World News - BBC World News. (ALL TIMES EDT)
Comedy Central has 'Scrubs', another 'Scrubs', last night's 'Jon Stewart', last night's 'Colbert Report', 'Chappelle's Show', 'South Park', 'Mind Of Mencia', and another 'Mind Of Mencia'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJon Stewart is Sig Hansen.
Scheduled on a FRESHColbert Report is Elaine Pagels.
FX has the movie 'The Punisher', followed by a FRESH'The Shield'.
History has 'Incoastal Highway', 'Decoding The Past', 'Ancient Discoveries', and 'Man Moment Machine'.
IFC -
[07:15 AM] Spellbound;
[08:55 AM] We Married Margo;
[10:25 AM] Woman on Top;
[12:00 PM] Red Bull Ride to the Hills;
[12:30 PM] The Agronomist;
[02:05 PM] Spellbound;
[03:45 PM] We Married Margo;
[05:15 PM] Woman on Top;
[06:55 PM] Hilary and Jackie;
[09:00 PM] The Chorus;
[10:45 PM] Amelie;
[12:50 AM] The Magdalene Sisters;
[03:00 AM] The Chorus;
[04:45 AM] Amelie. (ALL TIMES EDT)
SciFi has 'Jake 2.0', another 'Jake 2.0', still another 'Jake 2.0', and 'ECW'.
Sundance -
[05:00 AM] The Best of Secter & the Rest of Secter;
[06:00 AM] Leaving Normal;
[08:00 AM] Breathless (1960);
[09:00 AM] The Umbrellas of Cherbourg;
[11:00 AM] The Keys to the House;
[01:00 PM] It's All Gone Pete Tong;
[02:00 PM] The Match;
[04:00 PM] Breathless (1960);
[06:00 PM] Episode 6;
[06:00 PM] Episode 1;
[07:00 PM] Call Register;
[07:00 PM] Ellie Parker;
[09:00 PM] Fuel;
[09:00 PM] A Crude Awakening: The Oil Crash;
[11:00 PM] Fuel;
[11:00 PM] Cape Fear ('91);
[01:00 AM] A Game With Stones;
[02:00 AM] Episode 1;
[02:00 AM] Episode 2: Two Tickets to Brasilia;
[03:00 AM] My Big Fat Independent Movie;
[04:00 AM] The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. (ALL TIMES EDT)
Two masters of the arts world finally won Pulitzers on Monday, with 73-year-old novelist Cormac McCarthy receiving the fiction prize for "The Road" and 77-year-old saxophonist Ornette Coleman honored in music for "Sound Grammar," a live recording.
It was the first Pulitzer for McCarthy, widely praised as an heir to William Faulkner for such novels as "All the Pretty Horses" and "Blood Meridian." Coleman, inventor of free jazz and often compared in importance to Louis Armstrong and Charlie Parker, became only the second jazz artist to win a competitive Pulitzer. Wynton Marsalis won in 1997 for "Blood on the Fields," a three-hour oratorio on slavery.
Lawrence Wright's "The Looming Tower," a best-selling investigation of the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks, won for general nonfiction. Wright, a staff writer for The New Yorker, is author of "Twins" and "In the New World." He also co-wrote the political movie thriller "The Siege."
The history prize went to Gene Roberts' and Hank Klibanoff's "The Race Beat: The Press, the Civil Rights Struggle, and the Awakening of a Nation."
More than 30 years after his death, a "new" book by J.R.R. Tolkien goes on sale on Tuesday which may well be the author's last complete work to be published posthumously.
Tolkien's son and literary executor Christopher, now in his eighties, constructed "The Children of Hurin" from his father's manuscripts, and said he tried to do so "without any editorial invention."
Already told in fragmentary form in "The Silmarillion," which appeared in 1977, the new book is darker than "The Hobbit" and "The Lord of the Rings," for which Tolkien is best known.
The story is set long before "The Lord of the Rings" in a part of Middle-earth that was drowned before Hobbits ever appeared, and tells the tragic tale of Turin and his sister Nienor who are cursed by Morgoth, the first Dark Lord.
Actor and Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker poses with his wife Keisha after receiving a star on the Walk of Fame in Hollywood, California April 16, 2007.
Photo by Mario Anzuoni
Regis Philbin says he'll return to his syndicated daytime talk show April 26, about six weeks after having triple heart bypass surgery.
Philbin called "Live With Regis and Kelly" on Monday to say he'd been "through the wars" in his recovery but was building up strength by walking and lifting light weights.
He joked that when he returns to the show, he won't be the "fun-loving Reege" that he was before because his whole personality had changed because of the operation.
Keith Olbermann will add a fifth voice to the studio on NBC's Sunday-night football highlights show in the fall, the network said Monday.
Bob Costas anchors the show, with Cris Collingsworth and now Olbermann as co-hosts. With Jerome Bettis and Tiki Barber as analysts, the former NFL players will outnumber Costas and Olbermann by 3-to-2.
Olbermann, who first became known as a host on ESPN's "Sportscenter," has shuffled between news and sports during his career. His "Countdown" show on MSNBC has been hot lately, with Olbermann drawing attention for commentaries taking on the Bush administration.
Olbermann, who will keep his weekday work, said he expects the Sunday job to be rewarding and challenging.
Mexico is unlikely to allow U.S. artist Spencer Tunick stage a nude photo shoot at its famous Teotihuacan pyramids, citing possible damage to the ancient site.
Tunick has asked Mexican archaeological authorities for permission to photograph masses of naked people at Teotihuacan, Mexico's oldest major ruins, on May 6.
"The application has been filed and the National Anthropology and History Institute is evaluating it, but it looks like they won't let him. It's not the last word but they have told me it will be rejected," Alejandro Sarabia, who runs the Teotihuacan site, told Reuters on Monday.
A pair of sunglasses worn by John Lennon can be seen with a photo of the famous singer as part of the "Icons of Music" collection of music memorabilia to be auctioned off for the "Music Rising" benefit for Gulf Coast musicians, in New York April 16, 2007.
Photo by Lucas Jackson
Even before the official announcement was made, LA Weekly staffers popped open several bottles of bubbly.
When a call confirmed that food critic Jonathan Gold had won the alternative paper's first Pulitzer Prize, they pointed their bottles in his direction and let loose.
A still dripping Gold said he was "giddy" about winning the Pulitzer for criticism Monday. Gold, 46, beat out his former colleagues at the Los Angeles Times to become the first food critic to capture journalism's highest honor.
Gold started his restaurant-review column, "Counter Intelligence," at LA Weekly in 1986. He brought it to the Los Angeles Times for a few years before returning to the Weekly in 1996.
Jennifer Lopez and her husband, Marc Anthony, are suing the National Enquirer in European courts over the tabloid's claims they were linked to a drug scandal, their Belfast lawyer said Monday.
Paul Tweed, who specializes in bringing U.S.-based celebrities' libel cases to British and Irish courts, told The Associated Press that actress-singer Lopez, 38, and singer Anthony, 37, were seeking "a six-figure settlement" from the Enquirer, based in Boca Raton, Fla., and its parent company, American Media Inc.
Tweed said the lawsuit would be filed Tuesday in a Belfast court, and in subsequent days in courts in Dublin, London and Paris.
The version published March 12 in British and Irish editions alleged the couple were "caught up in a heroin scandal" - and reprinted a 2004 picture of Anthony standing beside photographer Michael Star, who is facing charges of heroin possession and child pornography in the U.S.
A signed Valley Arts Live 8 Gibson Guitar can be seen as part of the "Icons of Music" collection of music memorabilia to be auctioned off for the "Music Rising" benefit for Gulf Coast musicians, in New York April 16, 2007.
Photo by Lucas Jackson
Angry crowds in several Indian cities burned effigies of Richard Gere on Monday after he swept a popular Bollywood actress into his arms and kissed her several times during an AIDS-awareness event.
Photographs of the 57-year-old actor embracing Shilpa Shetty and kissing her on the cheek at an HIV/AIDS awareness event in New Delhi were splashed across Monday's front pages in India - a country where sex and public displays of affection are largely taboo.
In Mumbai, members of the right-wing Hindu nationalist group Shiv Sena beat burning effigies of Gere with sticks and set fire to glamorous shots of Shetty.
Similar protests broke out in other cities, including Varanasi, Hinduism's holiest city, and in the northern town of Meerut, where crowds chanted "Down with Shilpa Shetty!"
Barry Gibb, the former Bee Gee who bought the house that Johnny Cash and his wife, June Carter Cash, lived in for decades before their deaths in 2003, said on Monday he plans to build a new home near where the house stood before burning down last week.
"Linda (Gibb's wife) and I have decided to build our own home on the higher ground surrounding the Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash home and the original foundations shall be kept in tact and preserved for the people of Hendersonville and the people of Nashville," Gibb said in a statement.
The lakeside home in Hendersonville, a suburb about 20 miles northeast of Nashville, was destroyed by fire last Tuesday. There was almost nothing left except stone chimneys.
A museum visitor examines a statue of "Young Hercules" during a preview of the new Greek and Roman Galleries at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York April 16, 2007.
Photo by Brendan McDermid
If you were looking for the skeleton of a prehistoric mammoth, Monday was your day to buy. Christie's auction house sold one for $421,200 - a world record.
The 10,000-year-old skeleton of a 13.5-foot-long rhinoceros sold for a record $162,000. That of a 7.5-foot-high prehistoric cave bear from the Russian Urals sold for $63,180.
Among other items sold was a bezoar, a sort of pearl formed in the stomach of some herbivores, made of a stone or hair covered by a layer of calcium phosphate. Bezoars that reach or exceed the size of an egg become tremendously valuable. This one went for $45,360.
Three Central American governments have banned a man claiming to be the Antichrist from entering their countries, outraged by his inflammatory preaching against the Catholic Church and organized religion.
El Salvador, Honduras and Guatemala have banned Jose de Jesus Miranda, who heads a cult-like movement with sermons televised from Miami to dozens of mostly Latin American nations and wants to join followers at a rally next week in Guatemala.
A former heroin addict who was briefly imprisoned as a youth in his native Puerto Rico, Miranda, 60, talks openly in a video on his Web site about how he loved cocaine and dreamed of working in a Colombian drug lab.
He says other priests are "faggots," and makes fun of Holy Week customs in Latin America, calling heavy statues of Jesus that Catholics parade though streets "little dolls."
Actors Bernie Kopel (L) from the TV series "The Love Boat" and Johnny Whitaker from the series "Family Affair" pose together at the taping of the 5th Annual TV Land Awards in Santa Monica, California April 14, 2007. The show will be telecast on the TV Land cable channel April 22.
Photo by Fred Prouser
Prosecutors have decided not to pursue charges against Victor Willis, the original policeman in '70s disco band The Village People, who was arrested last month after his girlfriend accused him of choking and threatening her.
The woman claimed the 55-year-old singer had threatened her with a knife and had been abusive, police said.
Willis could have faced charges including battery, criminal threat and domestic violence battery with no injury, said Maria Velasquez, a spokeswoman for the city attorney's office. Velasquez said Friday the case would not be pursued for "evidentiary reasons."
British singer Bryan Ferry apologized on Monday for remarks he made in an interview with a German newspaper in which he praised Nazi iconography as "just amazing" and "really beautiful."
The 61-year-old lead singer of Roxy Music told Germany's Welt Am Sonntag newspaper last month: "The way that the Nazis staged themselves and presented themselves, my Lord!
"I'm talking about the films of Leni Riefenstahl and the buildings of Albert Speer and the mass marches and the flags -- just fantastic. Really beautiful."
In a statement, Ferry said he was "deeply upset" about the negative publicity the interview triggered:
A woman walks past the Nurd Kamal mosque in the arctic Russian city of Norilsk, April 4, 2007. Mukum Sidikov's grandfather left Norilsk after surviving the labour camps of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin. Sidikov, caretaker of the world's most northerly mosque, retracted his grandfathers footsteps in search of well-paid work in the Russian Arctic. Now he estimates the city is home to about 50,000 Muslims, just under one quarter of the region's population.
Photo by Denis Sinyakov
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