Comedic genus BOB NEWHART will serve as finalist judge for the
2008 ROBERT BENCHLEY SOCIETY AWARD FOR HUMOR COMPETITION. Entries of up to
500 words will be accepted through April 1st, 2008. Rules and procedure to enter
are at the official Robert Benchley Society Rules and Procedure webpage: http://www.robertbenchley.org/2008_competition/enter1.htm.
For more information about the competition, about Robert Benchley and
about the Robert Benchley Society Award for Humor, visit Lexington Film at: http://www.lexingtonfilm.com/rbscompetition.htm.
My 500 words...
Robert
Benchley
by Robert Benchley
Faced with the prospect of writing a 500 word piece in the
manner of Robert Benchley, Robert Benchley sat there and pondered. Does this
mean I must bury my personal style and pretend to be another, or can my own wit
and linguistic dexterity fool the judges into thinking I'm as good as Robert
Benchley, despite the fact he's had little effect upon my writing in any way?
Just what I need right now, thought Robert Benchley, another distraction from my
life's work, the world's first annotated biography of Robert Benchley told
entirely in cuneiform.
Robert Benchley's career was going nowhere. He could only get
published on the internet because his submissions to print publications always
came back with the same old rejection, he didn't sound enough like Robert
Benchley. Just because he also happened to be influenced by Hunter Thompson,
George Carlin, and Monty Python didn't make Robert Benchley's influence upon
Robert Benchley any less profound, just one more sidetrack in the infinite
fractions of influence buried in Robert Benchley's subconscious. If Robert
Benchley had anything to say about Robert Benchley it would be that Robert
Benchley should stick to what he does best and butt out of Robert Benchley's
business. Perhaps, he thought, if I just type the name Robert Benchley enough,
people will think I have something to say about Robert Benchley, whose name I
cherish as dearly as my own.
One day, Robert Benchley sat down to write and couldn't think of
anything to write about other than his own writing style. He made a list of
everyone he was influenced by and burnt it. That'll show 'em.
Robert Benchley #1, for that is what he thought of himself, #1,
was overcome with anger at Robert Benchley #2, who seemed to be hogging all the
glory of the Robert Benchley name. If only there were no Robert Benchley #2,
thought Robert Benchley #1, then I could write any way I wanted to write without
Robert Benchley looking over my shoulder. Fuck Robert Benchley ("and the horse
he rode in on" - Catherine the Great). Who nee, he thought, who needs him? Not
me.
Everything is in the public domain, pondered Robert Benchley,
and any website like robertbenchley.org that doesn't let readers cut and
paste material from their site to pay it forward is obstructionist and
anti-progress. That's the point of the internet, he thought, sharing. Stop the
sharing and intellectual progress grinds to a halt.
Hmmm, the more I sound like Robert Benchley, the more I'm
committing intellectual thievery myself, but since that's the only thievery of
which I whole-heartedly approve, everything's cool. We should all join in on the
intellectual roller coaster of conceptual thought, giving no regard whatsoever
to the borrowing of ideas, which is nothing but a good thing. If we didn't all
borrow each other's ideas, we'd have nothing to respond to.
I will never, ever, try to write something in the manner of
Robert Benchley, thought Robert Benchley, and anyone who does should be
waterboarded. Who do they think they are? Robert Benchley?
******
Reply...
Bravo, Dare,
I love it. Keep this up and
we'll need a Michael Dare Society Awards For Pure Thought. We could have people
think 500 words or less, in the style of Michael Dare. The winner would be given
thorazine, and noninvasive custodial care at some country club rehab center.
Your pal, Horace J. Digby, winner of the 2005 Robert Benchley Society
Award for Humor
Jim Hightower: Hightower endorses Barack Obama (jimhightower.com)
The most exciting thing about the Obama phenomenon is the phenomenon--the fact that millions of grassroots Americans have self-organized and become the driving force in a presidential campaign. They feel that they matter again in politics and that some real progress might finally be at hand.
All Aboard the Pink Flight (advocate.com)
Advocate film critic Kyle Buchanan braves the Kathy Griffin-hosted Pink Flight on Air New Zealand and lives to tell a few tales.
Rachel Cooke: Turner's prize (film.guardian.co.uk)
She took the film world by storm in the Eighties with roles that matched sexiness with strength. Now 53 and battling arthritis, Kathleen Turner has found fresh success in theatre.
Feist: Is this it? (music.guardian.co.uk)
One, two, three, four Grammy-nominated Canadian singer Feist knows what she's fighting for -- maple syrup, not war. Whooah-oh-oh-eh etc...
Vic in Alaska was first, and correct, with:
Only cuz I just watched it again for the first time in years last night and remember seeing Martin Balsam on the can, I will say "Catch-22"...and naughty you on the trick question yesterday...lol
Leo was second, and correct, writing:
It was Catch-22, and Martin Balsam was the guy on the throne.
Purple Gene responded:
The answer is A. "Catch 22"
Although "Psycho" (1960) was the first American movie to show a toilet flushing...it wasn't the first American movie to show an actor on the toilet...that destinction goes to the film "Catch 22" (1970). It was the actor Martin Balsam who had the choice role (he was also in "Psycho")
Maybe we ought to name the first American actor to get his head shoved in a toilet? (Dee Snyder?????)
Alan J answered:
Catch-22
Marian the Teacher said:
I don't think it could have been in the '60's so my guess is Catch 22 A.
And, Joe S ("There was only one catch and that was Catch-22. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to."
~ Joseph Heller) replied:
A: Catch-22, one of the best movies (and books) ever. I'm an Air Force veteran, I know of what I speak. The book was immensely popular in my squadron in 1963. Some guys had memorized large sections of the book and recited them when similar incidents occurred in real life.
He's sold over 50 million albums worldwide, won six Grammys, and publicly exposed Janet Jackson's nipple during the Super Bowl - but Justin Timberlake fans ain't seen nothing yet! The first episode of Justin Timberlake's Celebrity Hair Quiz premiers today - exclusively at www.celebrityhairquiz.com.
Each week, Justin models three celebrity hair styles - and impersonates the lovely ladies they came from. Head to www.celebrityhairquiz.com/ to see if you can guess who Justin is wearing this week!
CBS begins the night with a RERUN'NCIS', followed by a FRESH'Big Brother', then a FRESH'Jericho'.
On a RERUNDave (from 2/8/08) are Colin Farrell, Blake Lively, and Lenny Kravitz.
Scheduled on a FRESHCraig are Christina Ricci, Dee Dee Myers, and Collective Soul.
NBC starts the night with a 2-hour FRESH'Biggest Loser', followed by a RERUN'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit'.
On a RERUNLeno (from 2/21/08) are Heidi Klum, James McAvoy, and John Fogerty.
On a RERUNConan (from 1/16/08) are Pink, Lou Dobbs, and Bettye Lavette.
Scheduled on a FRESHCarson 'The Scab' Daly are Kevin Hart and A Fine Frenzy.
ABC begins the night with a FRESH'Just For Laughs', followed by a RERUN'Just For Laughs', then a FRESH'Jim', followed by a FRESH'Carpoolers', then 'Primetime: What Would You Do?'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJimmy Kimmel are Janet Jackson, Jackie Mason, and Todd English.
The CW offers a RERUN'America's Next Top Model', followed by a FRESH'One Tree Hill'.
Faux has a FRESH'American Idol', followed by the SERIES PREMIERE'New Amsterdam'.
MY has 'Street Patol', another 'Street Patrol', 'Jail', and another 'Jail'.
A&E has 'CSI: The 2nd One', 'The First 48', 'Gene Simmons', another 'Gene Simmons', still another 'Gene Simmons', and yet another 'Gene Simmons'.
AMC offers the movie 'Death Wish II', followed by the movie 'Death Wish 3', then the movie 'Death Wish 4: Crackdown'.
BBC -
[12:00 PM] Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares - Ep 4 Morgan's;
[1:00 PM] Cash in the Attic - Ep. 2 Corry-Thomas;
[2:00 PM] Bargain Hunt - Ep. 29 Derby 5;
[2:30 PM] Bargain Hunt - Ep. 30 Derby 6;
[3:00 PM] How Clean Is Your House? - Episode 5;
[3:30 PM] How Clean Is Your House? - Episode 6;
[4:00 PM] You Are What You Eat - Episode 5;
[4:30 PM] You Are What You Eat - Episode 6;
[5:00 PM] My Family - Ep. 10 Tis Pity She's a Whore;
[5:30 PM] Coupling - Ep 6 The Cupboard of Patrick's Love;
[6:00 PM] Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares - Ep 1 La Riviera;
[7:00 PM] BBC World News America;
[8:00 PM] Last Restaurant Standing - Episode 4;
[9:00 PM] Last Restaurant Standing - Episode 5;
[10:00 PM] BBC World News America;
[11:00 PM] Last Restaurant Standing - Episode 4;
[12:00 AM] Last Restaurant Standing - Episode 5;
[1:00 AM] Last Restaurant Standing - Episode 4;
[2:00 AM] Last Restaurant Standing - Episode 5;
[3:00 AM] Changing Rooms - Ep.2 100th Programme;
[3:30 AM] Changing Rooms - Ep.3 Urmston;
[4:00 AM] Bargain Hunt - Ep. 29 Derby 5;
[4:30 AM] Bargain Hunt - Ep. 30 Derby 6;
[5:00 AM] Cash in the Attic - Ep. 4 Sweet;
[5:30 AM] Cash in the Attic - Ep. 5 Maddison;
[6:00 AM] BBC World News. (ALL TIMES EDT)
Comedy Central has 'Scrubs', another 'Scrubs', last night's 'Jon Stewart', last night's 'Colbert Report', 'Futurama', 'South Park', 'Comedy Central Presents', and another 'Comedy Central Presents'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJon Stewart is Ralph Nader.
Scheduled on a FRESHColbert Report is Jennifer 8. Lee.
FX has the movie 'S.W.A.T.', followed by the movie 'Behind Enemy Lines', and 'Dirt'.
History has 'Modern Marvels', 'The Universe', followed by a FRESH'The Universe', and 'Mega Disasters'.
IFC -
[06:05 AM] Kitchen Stories;
[07:45 AM] Man of the Century;
[09:10 AM] Double Happiness;
[10:45 AM] American Heart;
[12:45 PM] Kitchen Stories;
[02:30 PM] My Brilliant Career;
[04:15 PM] Man of the Century;
[05:40 PM] Double Happiness;
[07:15 PM] The Saddest Music in the World;
[09:00 PM] IFC News: 2008, Uncut;
[09:05 PM] The Hard Word;
[11:00 PM] Never Die Alone;
[12:30 AM] Three Times;
[02:50 AM] IFC News: 2008, Uncut;
[03:00 AM] The Hard Word;
[04:45 AM] Never Die Alone. (ALL TIMES EST)
SciFi has 'Scary But True', another 'Scary But True', 'Scariest Places On Earth', another 'Scariest Places On Earth', and 'ECW'.
Sundance -
[05:00 AM] Crossing Arizona;
[06:30 AM] Celebration;
[07:30 AM] Father and Son;
[09:00 AM] Episode 5;
[09:30 AM] Eat;
[10:00 AM] Seamless;
[11:30 AM] Red Lights;
[01:30 PM] Into the Night;
[03:30 PM] Mother/Country;
[04:00 PM] Up At the Villa;
[06:00 PM] John Mayer, Norah Jones & Richard Ashcroft;
[07:00 PM] Saving Jazz;
[08:00 PM] Helmut Newton: My Life;
[09:00 PM] Episode 5;
[09:35 PM] Safe;
[11:40 PM] Eat;
[12:15 AM] Saving Jazz;
[01:30 AM] Helmut Newton: My Life;
[02:30 AM] Garden;
[04:00 AM] Episode 1;
[05:00 AM] Muhammad Ali, the Greatest. (ALL TIMES EST)
Actor Steve Buscemi arrives with his wife, Jo Andres, for the premiere of the film "Miss Pettigrew Lives For A Day" in New York March 2, 2008.
Photo by Lucas Jackson
U.S. actress Drew Barrymore donated $1 million of her own money on Monday to the World Food Programme (WFP) that the U.N. agency said would be used to feed thousands of schoolchildren in Kenya.
Barrymore, 33, a WFP ambassador against hunger, announced her pledge on The Oprah Winfrey Show to kick off the agency's $3 billion "Fill the Cup" campaign that aims to feed 59 million hungry school children in developing countries for a year.
"I have seen with my own eyes what a difference a simple cup of nutritious porridge can make in a child's life," said the "Charlie's Angels" star, who has traveled to Kenya twice in the past two years for WFP.
Fans of Hollywood starlet Scarlett Johansson are being given the chance to spend an evening with her.
The actress is taking part in an eBay auction for aid agency Oxfam.
Scarlett is offering two tickets to the world premiere of her new film He's Just Not That Into You, in Los Angeles.
The highest bidder will get the red carpet treatment - including being chauffeur driven to the event, and getting some professional assistance with their hair and make-up.
A U.S. Federal Communications Commission official is seeking an inquiry into the blacking out of a politically charged segment of the CBS News magazine "60 Minutes" by a local television station in Alabama.
FCC Commissioner Michael Copps said he had asked the chairman of the FCC to open an inquiry into the February 24 incident at WHNT, a CBS affiliate in Huntsville, Alabama, in which civil rights footage from the 1960s was blacked out.
"The FCC now needs to find out if something analogous is going on here," Copps said at a luncheon with media watchdog groups. "Was this an attempt to suppress information on the public airwaves, or was it really just a technical problem?"
The program made the case that former Alabama Gov. Don Siegelman had been wrongly convicted on the basis of a politically motivated case built by Republican prosecutors and White House political advisor Karl 'Turdblossom' Rove.
The Los Angeles Free Clinic will change its name next month to the Saban Free Clinic in honor of a $10-million donation, the largest in its 41-year history, from philanthropists Haim and Cheryl Saban.
The gift comes almost 25 years after Cheryl Saban -- then a divorced, working mother of two with no health insurance -- sought care at the clinic's Beverly Boulevard branch. The professionalism and kindness of the doctors and nurses impressed her deeply, she said.
Two years after that visit, Saban's circumstances changed dramatically when she married Haim Saban, who made his fortune as the producer of the children's show "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" and is now chairman of Univision Communications.
British spies hired an astrologer during World War Two, although many thought he was a fraud, and even sent him to the United States on a propaganda mission, secret documents released on Tuesday revealed.
The files show that many British spy handlers had nothing but contempt for Louis de Wohl, a German-speaking novelist and astrologer who claimed to be descended from Hungarian nobility and called himself "The Modern Nostradamus."
British spy bosses sent de Wohl on a propaganda tour of America in 1941, when Britain was at war with Germany but Washington was still officially neutral.
He was given the rank of captain in the British army, which seems to have annoyed many officials. One wrote: "He is not an ornament to His Majesty's uniform."
British author Terry Prattchet arrives at the world premiere of the film 'The Colour of Magic' based on his book at a central London cinema, Monday March 3, 2008. The made-for-television film will air on Easter Sunday on a British commercial channel.
Photo by Alastair Grant
A New York building where a young DJ pioneered hip-hop in the 1970s has been saved from a plan that would have made the rent unaffordable for its current tenants, Senator Charles Schumer said Monday.
Residents of the Bronx building had asked DJ Kool Herc last year to help them oppose the owner's plans to remove the building from an affordable housing program.
In the 1970s, DJ Kool Herc began spinning records at parties in the building's basement recreation room and touched off the global hip-hop movement.
The 100-unit apartment building on Sedgwick Avenue has been deemed eligible to be listed on national and state registers of historic sites.
Lawyers who represented book publisher Judith Regan in a $100 million lawsuit against News Corp sued her on Monday, saying she did not reimburse them for fees and cut them out of her settlement payment.
The lawyers represented Regan in a lawsuit related to her dismissal in 2006 from News Corp and its HarperCollins Publishers. Regan was fired after her plans to publish a controversial book by O.J. Simpson were scrapped.
Regan had accused her employers of defamation and breach of contract. The lawsuit was settled confidentially out of court in January with neither party admitting any liability.
The lawsuit, filed in New York State Court, also accuses Regan of breaking the terms of their agreement, which the lawyers say promised them 25 percent of any gross recovery "through judgment or out-of-court settlement" of the lawsuit.
Actor Alan Cumming attends a Cinema Society screening of 'The Bank Job' at the Bryant Park Hotel, Monday, March 3, 2008 in New York.
Photo by Evan Agostini
Steve-O of "Jackass" fame was arrested for investigation of vandalism and possession of a controlled substance at his Hollywood home.
Police arrested the 33-year-old co-star of MTV's prank-filled program at 5 a.m. Monday after a neighbor made a citizen's arrest following a dispute over a fence, Los Angeles police Officer Ana Aguirre said.
Steve-O, born Stephen Glover, was booked at a Hollywood police station on suspicion of vandalism and an outstanding traffic warrant, Aguirre said. He was also booked for investigation of possessing a controlled substance for allegedly having a small quantity of drugs on him, Aguirre said.
Playtime is over for The Game, who began serving a 60-day jail sentence for felony firearm possession.
The rapper turned himself in Sunday night at the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, according to the Sheriff's Department.
The 28-year-old entertainer (real name: Jayceon Terrell Taylor) was convicted last month of possession of a firearm in a school zone. He was accused of pulling a gun on a player from an opposing team during a pickup game at a South Los Angeles school nearly a year ago.
Two other counts were dismissed under a plea agreement, the district attorney's office said. Taylor was also sentenced to 150 hours of community service and three years' probation.
Firefighters Charlie Schmidt, left, and John Stewart, both of Vancouver, Wash., fire dept., pick up their gear and head out after resting following racing up 1,311 stairs in competition Sunday, March 2, 2008, in the Columbia Center tower in Seattle. More than 1,000 firefighters from throughout the U.S., as well as Canada and New Zealand, raced 788 vertical feet up 69 floors in the 17th annual stair climb at the tower, in a benefit for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.
Photo by Elaine Thompson
Kid Rock has pleaded not guilty to a charge of battery from a fight at a Waffle House in Atlanta.
Robert James Ritchie, better known as the musician Kid Rock, was not present for the plea. His attorney, Darryl Cohen, waived an arraignment hearing and entered the plea on Ritchie's behalf in DeKalb County State Court, according to Cohen's office.
Ritchie and five members of his entourage were arrested October 21st on a misdemeanor charge of simple battery. The charges stem from a fight at a a metro-Atlanta Waffle House, where they had stopped following his performance at The Tabernacle.
Officials say a fight broke out after another customer recognized a woman in Kid Rock's party and exchanged words with her, prompting Ritchie to exchange words, too.
Edvard Munch's expressionist masterpieces "The Scream" and "Madonna", damaged in a daring 2004 heist, will go back on display in Oslo in May after restoration, the Munch Museum said on Monday.
Repairs "are coming to an end," the museum said in a statement, adding that the process had been "painstaking and time-consuming."
The Munch Museum was reluctant to say whether the damage to the masterpieces was visible, but curator Ingebjoerg Ydstie told AFP there was still a humidity stain in the left corner of "The Scream".
Archbishop Domenico D'Ambrosio (L) attends the exhumation of the body of Saint Padre Pio in the southern Italian town of San Giovanni Rotondo in this picture taken March 2, 2008 and released March 3, 2008.
After rising to culinary stardom preparing impossible meals on his Food Network series, Robert Irvine has met an obstacle his kitchen prowess couldn't overcome - an embellished resume.
The star of "Dinner: Impossible" has acknowledged fabricating some of the more fantastic parts of his resume, including having cooked for Britain's Royal Family and various U.S. presidents.
Following the revelations, the network announced it would not renew Irvine's contract, though it would air the remaining episodes of the current season, the series' fourth.
Oscar-winner Marion Cotillard has been forced to make an embarrassing U-turn after suggesting 9/11 was a hoax
The 32-year-old French actress became the toast of Tinseltown after winning an Academy Award for her portrayal of tortured chanteuse Edith Piaf in La Vie en Rose.
Cotillard was quoted in an interview given to a French magazine more than a year ago as saying she doubted whether the attack on the World Trade Centre was genuine, saying: "I think we are lied to about a number of things."
But faced with losing out on a career in the notoriously patriotic Hollywood film industry, the actress has claimed her comments were misunderstood and taken out of context.
Three-month-old African lion cub Chibi lays on a box at Safari Zoo in Gianyar, Bali, Indonesia, Sunday, March 2, 2008. Chibi is one of three lion cubs which were newly born in the zoo.
Photo by Firdia Lisnawati
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