BartCop Entertainment Archives - Thursday, 27 September, 2007

Presents
Issue #1.02
of the new Los Angeles Free Press

Quote on cover from Mike Miliard: White hunters, black hearts - Scambaiting turns the tables on Internet con men. But when the clever pranks turn dangerous and degrading, where does the moral compass point? -

The Editorial We

by Michael Dare

Putting our own writing aside for the moment (we can talk about that later), what we're looking for when we browse through the writing of others is clarity of vision. Readers can sniff a compromise a mile away because the rest of the world called news is all predigested, clearly filtered through someone with a bigger vision of what they think you need to know. A Free Press gives you the pure stuff, unsullied by the corporate agenda, while intentionally sullied by our own agenda, which you can find hidden somewhere in this paragraph.

Of the thousands of items that floated past the Mike-roscope this week, here are the ones we've decided to pass along. Some are unpleasant, some outright infuriating, but others comforting and passive, like a puppy, you just want to tickle them, c'mere news item, let us rub your belly.

The Bad News outpaced The Good News in the Good News/Bad News column last week, but this week it's the opposite. Now it's the bad news column that seems to waste a lot of space that could be filled with advertising, which would indeed be good news. Some items seem to be both Good and Bad news. Should we print them twice?

With Inscriptions in The Book of Life - I don't feel like apologizing to wicked people, Baron Dave Romm shares with us his thoughts on Rosh Hashanah and George W. Bush. Whether he succeeded in amalgamating the alien concepts of his Jewish heritage and the heart of his hatred for those who torture or simply displayed the schpilcus in his bling bling in the most erudite possible manner is now up to you.

Paul Krassner isn't sure how many more Assholes of the Week he's got in him. "I don't really want to spend my week looking for assholes," says Paul. We don't blame him, so sometimes his column will be called Zen Bastard just for old time sake, like this week, when he's hot on the trail of a magnificent travesty of justice. The Power of Laughter ends with something you can actually do about the situation, dial the phone number of the district attorney with his head up his ass. Meanwhile, anyone else want to go searching for assholes? I understand they're not hard to find.

In his commentary on excess and inequality, Sam Pizzigati asks a question that the 30,000 millionaires created by Microsoft might not want to answer, When the Rich Make Too Much: Is it time for a Maximum Wage? Non-millionaires take note. Don't think TOO big.

If there were anything in this issue of the LA Free Press by P.J. O'Roarke, this is where we'd mention it.

Bad Food, Lynette Sheffield's intimate examination of the Doritos mystique fulfills our promise to deliver a food column. We never said it would be about something you'd actually want to eat.

If we were you, we'd avoid reading Iraq Death Toll Rivals Rwanda Genocide, Cambodian Killing Fields By Joshua Holland. There is no conceivable way it can be interpreted as good news.

There's no I Was There and You Weren't column this week because apparently we were everywhere.

Who'da thought the New World Order would start in North Carolina. Read all of New World Odor if you want to keep up with the global conspiracy to piss you off.

Don't go blaming us for anything anyone said in Don't Take Our Word For It. We're just quoting.

With our unfettered access to the inner workings of hell, we're proud to tell you a few things Satan Doesn't Want You To Know. Just don't tell him we told you.

Add a Google Smackdown of the Week, Ask Dr. Hollywood, a High Coup, a Jean-Paul Sartre joke, a free ad, some embedded YouTube videos, throw in a modicum of outrage with just a smidgen of discombobulation, a coupla ridiculous graphics, and whatayuh got? The all new Los Angeles Free Press.

When the Rich Make Too Much: Is it Time for a Maximum Wage?

A Commentary on Excess and Inequality

by Sam Pizzigati

Can our contemporary world be saved from the problems that ail us, from climate change and oil dependency, from AIDS and religious extremism, from poverty and inequality? Foreign Policy, the world's most prestigious global affairs journal, is tackling this weighty question head on, in a new issue that asks 21 of our earth's most thoughtful observers to suggest the "one solution that would make the world a better place."

That "one solution," suggests Howard Gardner, the Harvard-based psychologist whose widely acclaimed books on human intelligence have been translated into 26 languages, ought to be a cap on the income and wealth that any one individual can accumulate.

The United States needs an income cap, Gardner posits in the new Foreign Policy, that limits the amount of money a single individual can annually take home to no more than "100 times as much money as the average worker in a society earns in a year."

"If the average worker makes $40,000," Gardner proposes, "the top compensated individual may keep $4 million a year."

Gardner's Foreign Policy contribution also advocates a cap on wealth, proposing that "no individual should be allowed to accumulate an estate more than 50 times the allowed annual income."

If that allowed annual income were $4 million, then Gardner's proposal would allow no one, at death, to bequest a fortune greater than $200 million. Any individual wealth above that would have to "be contributed to charity or donated to the government."

What's driving Gardner, a psychologist, to an economic prescription?

"Most people in the United States cannot even envision a society that doesn't revolve around an untrammeled market," Gardner writes, noting the "widespread assumption," particularly among today's young people, "that the most accurate measure of success is how much money you have accumulated, indeed that general merit can best be gauged by one's net worth." These assumptions, says the Harvard psychologist, have nurtured a society where accumulation "has gone way too far," where a "hedge fund manager can take home a sum reminiscent of the gross national product of a small country."

A cap on income and riches, Gardner adds, would raise billions, even trillions, "to begin to solve the problems about which others are writing in this collection of solutions to save the world."

Attacks on Gardner's proposal are already emerging. One nationally syndicated critique -- from foundation president Clifford May -- labeled Gardner's antidote to inequality "preposterous." Gardner's Foreign Policy piece anticipates that sort of outraged reaction.

"To those who would scream 'foul' to such limits on personal wealth," Gardner notes, "I would remind them that just 50 years ago, this proposal would have seemed reasonable, even generous."

Sums up the Harvard scholar: "Our standards of 'enough' have become irrationally greedy. Were these proposals enacted, I predict that they would be accepted with amazing speed, and individuals would wonder why they had not always been in effect."

Yo Yo, I Got Schpilcus in my Bling Bling

"During the last two years writing my first book, Other People's Property: A Shadow History of Hip-Hop in White America, I've found that, over the past three decades, white people have used hip-hop as a safe, virtual space to tackle or elude the complicated legacy (and present) of race in our country. Every time we buy a Ying-Yang Twins CD or bust a backspin or attempt to use Ebonics, we are telling ourselves a story about America, about race, and about ourselves.

"So what story are Jews, specifically, telling ourselves? What draws so many of us to keep it (Is)real? (Full disclosure: that joke was stolen from respected Jewish hip-hop blogger Dan Charnas. See? We're everywhere!) My fascination with hip-hop has always intrigued and amused my third-generation Italian wife, Denise, who grew up in the more ethnically explicit suburbs of Long Island and always wondered what could possibly link my laid-back, West Coast, manicured-lawn childhood with the drive-by ghettoes of Compton.

"But after that fascination impacted the trajectory of our lives - the book deal led me to leave work to sit in my pajamas and play Criminal Minded over and over again - she felt it was time to get to the bottom of it. Not long ago, we sat down for a conversation, one in which my beloved wife called me a wimp with an attraction for black men:"

- Jason Tanz: Assimilation and its Discontents - Why Jews love hip-hop (and try so hard to befriend black people) -

Inscriptions in The Book of Life
I don't feel like apologizing to wicked people

by Baron Dave Romm

Rosh Hashanah, New Years Day, began on the first of Tishrei, 5768 (evening of September 12, 2007CE). This marks the beginning of the High Holy Days, culminating on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, on the tenth day of Tishri (English spelling varies), evening of September 21, 2007CE.

The High Holy Days, and Yom Kippur in particular, are a time of reflection, and a time when Jews celebrate G_d's goodness and atone for all sins realized or not. We are also supposed to cleanse our spirit and make things right here on Earth; you can't apologize to G_d for an injustice to a fellow human. It's one of the great things about Judaism.

The problem is, as I wrote last year, I don't feel like apologizing to wicked people. Wicked people are inscribed in the book of death and too many in the middle are dangerously close. I'm sorry for any slights or transgressions along the way, whether I know about them or am too thick to get it. But I'm not even remotely sorry for holding up a mirror to the far right. If anything, I'm annoyed at myself for not doing a better job. To use Christian imagery, America has lost its soul.

This year is an important one, religiously and politically. Both Judaism and Islam use a lunar calendar, and the holidays move in and around the solar year. This year, The Muslim observance of Ramadan overlaps the Jewish High Holy Days, and I optimistically hope that this symbolic confluence will help each understand the other better, so we can tread on common ground rather than pry apart the differences.

Politically this year is important as a run-up to a Presidential election in 2008, with various Congressional and local primaries and ballots also to be decided. One of America's great strengths is that faith guides our political decisions; one of our great weaknesses is that too often misguided faith is mistaken for political wisdom. The Bible is the beginning of wisdom, not the end of it. We can and should use the lessons of the Bible as well as the lessons of history and the knowledge of science to guide our voting choices.

For pointing this out against the hue and cry of radical Christians, fundamentalist Muslims and ultra-orthodox Jews, I am not sorry. I regret that I sometimes don't express my views more effectively, but at some point I don't suffer fools gladly. I will try to do better, even as the extremes move farther and farther away from the world G_d created.

Flashback: As a youngster in Hebrew School, I asked the Rabbi why Jews celebrate the New Year in the Fall. Many cultures start their new year at the Winter Solstice, when they know (from science) that the days will get longer again. Others celebrate the Summer Solstice, when the days are longest. Yet we start our calendar as the days are getting shorter, just when we need to hunker down for the winter. The Rabbi's answer (paraphrased from memory): "Jews are most optimistic when things look bad." This was not very satisfying. I suspect that the ancient Israelis simply took the time of the Harvest Festival for their major holiday, and the time of abundance as a the major Fast Day to prepare them for potential hard times. I'll note that it worked, as a cultural imperative: Few other peoples have lasted, as a group, for this long.

I'm sorry, but not for everything.

So as we slide into the future, here are a few things I don't regret. Some of these I still don't regret, having talked about them last year. Given that the 2008 elections are after Yom Kippur next year, I might talk about similar issues for 5769. I'm sorry for personal slights to people who don't deserve it, especially the ones I was too uncaring to notice. For people who deserve it, I don't regret telling them forcefully.

I'm not going to apologize to - and will continue to rail against - anyone who supports torture, or who votes for anyone who supports torture.

As of the passage of the bill allowing torture, it is the opinion of the US Senate that we should undo Magna Carta. While undoing basic human rights is a Republican initiative, too many Democrats have let the travesty slid by, and continue to vote, however hesitantly, for extensions. I cannot. This is still a sore spot from last year, with few Congressional voices being raised.

We have become what we hate.

In some ways, I'm madder at the Democrats who reluctantly supported the bill and they backed down under threat of the GOP slime machine. But that doesn't change the primary responsibility of Bush or the Republicans who stayed on their knees the whole time. In the same way that the Iraq debacle will is "Bush's War", the erosion of rights is a right-wing plan. Conservatives just don't believe in America.

Portions of the Patriot Act overturned. Sept. 7, 2007CE: "The ruling by U.S. District Judge Victor Marrero in New York said the FBI's use of secret "National Security Letters" to demand e-mail and telephone data from private companies for counterterrorism investigations violates the First Amendment and constitutional provisions on the separation of powers, because the FBI can impose indefinite gag orders on the companies and the courts have little opportunity to review the letters, according to today's Washington Post."

Bush's legacy is that of a liar and a coward. Even when his provisions for the FISA bill were passed with many Senate Democrats, Bush lied. His arrogance is the mark of a bully, and he just doesn't have the guts to take the high road.

I'm not going to apologize to gun nuts.

For decades, the NRA and those who love their guns more than they love their family have been whining about the 2nd Amendment. This was never really the issue: Despite their lies, no one seriously proposed any sort of law or regulation that would take guns out of the hands of responsible gun owners. And yet, too many people (including many friends of mine) made this non-controversy the key issue in their voting. They are single issue voters on the wrong issue.

Their final, mom-and-apple-pie-who-could-disagree? defense was the claim that owning guns protected "citizens" against politicians. Well, guess what? They lied. The conservative politicians strongly supported by the NRA and gun owners, notably George W. Bush, are the very ones that took away your rights.

Responsible gun ownership was never the real issue; the issue involving guns was about the rights of drunken idiots. 2nd Amendment Absolutists are on the wrong side of that issue, but that's not what I'm mad about. I refuse to apologize for telling the truth, that the slippery slope of "gun rights" has led to the most repressive laws in US history. As is often the case, conservatives invented a culture war and now find themselves on the wrong side of it.

So even though it won't do any good, and the knee-jerk gun lobby will have crafted their response before they got tot his paragraph, let me reiterate: I'm not against gun ownership, and think that all responsible adults should have the right to own a firearm. I'm against drunken idiots, whether they have a gun or a car or beat their wives with their hands. I'm against the gun nuts who's minds are so befuddled by this one falsely-defined issue that they are solidly behind the people who have eroded our rights as American citizens.

I'm not going to apologize to Senator Vitter or Senator Craig or any of the Republicans who demanded Clinton's impeachment while their personal lives were so much sleazier.

Last year I railed against Mark Foley, and Republican leadership in the House that ignored this sexual predator. This year, we have even more Heartland Perverts that have come to light. I don't care if people like Larry Craig are gay, but I do care that he doesn't have the guts to admit it.

These sleazeball conservatives went after Bill Clinton for imaginary crimes. (It's amazing to watch the flip-flops: In the 90s, the White House Travel Office was sacrosanct, and replacing them was too political. Bush fires eight US Attorneys, and all of a sudden all Federal employees serve at the whim of the president. Sad.) They finally caught him doing something that didn't have anything to do with running the country, and pilloried him. Real issues, such as the hunt for Osama bin Laden, were not nearly as important to Republicans as a stained dress. Pathetic.

Sen. Craig voted to impeach Clinton. Vitter replaced Livingston who replaced Gingrich, and famously agreed with their pursuit of nothing. I'm disgusted by the whole party. Republicans have a lot to apologize for, and not just to their wives. Until I start hearing some mea culpas and see real change in their behavior: zero tolerance for Republicans.

I'm not going to apologize coming down hard on the conservative news media.

The media in this country is not only conservative, it's very conservative, to the point where they should be ashamed to call themselves "journalists". Fox "News" is as bad as Pravda under the communists. Too many right-wing media elites think they are the story, and real news falls by the wayside. This is a very big issue, but for now I'm just doing to talk about this one article.

The top 10 big stories the US news media missed in the past year. San Francisco Bay Guardian, September 5, 2007. The article is long and detailed, so here are the headlines (and my quick sub heads):

1. Suspension of Habeas Corpus (they can throw YOU in jail at any time for any reason and you can't say a word)

2. Martial Law (basically repealing the Posse Comitatus Act)

3. AFRICOM (re oil imports from Africa)

4. Secret Trade Agreements (Multinationals making the rules, not elected governments)

5. Slaves Construct Iraq Embassy

6. FALCON (numbers don't add up on arrests of sex offenders)

7. Blackwater (and, presumably, other mercenary armies)

8. Knowledge Initiative on Agriculture (captive customer base for genetically modified foods)

9. Privatization of Infrastructure (don't raise taxes: outsource and put unregulated construction in a different budget line)

10. Vulture Funds (Poor countries default on loans to governments, who sell them to companies who sue for more than the amount owed)

I'm not going to apologize for holding Republicans and conservatives accountable, even if I occasionally have to lower myself to their level just to get their attention.

Republicans don't believe in Democracy. Conservatives don't believe in America. That's harsh but true. Further, the right starts whining when you point this out. A further truth: The Sphincter Conservatives are much, MUCH nastier. When they whine about getting a fraction of their own rhetorical style thrown back in their face, they demonstrate their cowardice. They can dish is out but they can't take it. Pathetic.

A prime example is the MoveOn.org ad, General Petraeus or General Betray Us. As usual, the right wing resorts to lies (the NYTimes did not lower their ad rates). Not only do the cowards blame the messenger, they blame the messenger of the messenger. Pathetic.

At no point do they address the issues raised in the ad: That Gen. Petraeus is a man "constantly at war with facts". In point of fact, even Petraeus' superior officer called him an ass-kissing little chickenshit over the surge. Point to MoveOn.org.

Further, they right doesn't have the guts to do right by their nasty ads in the past, from their attack on Sen. McCain (and his wholly made up black baby) to their traitorous attacks on Democrats (morphing war hero Sen. Max Cleland into Osama bin Laden).

Sphincter conservatives need constant stroking by hate radio and Fox "News" just to let them live with lies. Well paid verbal hit men supply the latest right-wing PC rant. The ultra-right will always be better at insults than you. They don't know how to do anything else. Facts aren't on their side, they must rant. They simply can't hear anything that doesn't sound like a drug-addled Rush Limbaugh.

I do not regret seizing the opportunity to show the extremists the error of their ways and take control of the debate. It may save my life; it may save their life.

I'm not going to apologize for pointing out how Bush and co. have made the world a more dangerous place, especially for Americans.

When we're attacked, it's 'You're either with us or with the terrorists'. When London or Madrid is attacked, Bush brags about not having a terrorist attack on US soil since 9/11. Not only is this a major flip-flop, it's wrong. We are less safe, not just from Anthrax spreading anti-government terrorists at home or Christo-Fascists who toss bombs at medical clinics, but from the wrath of G_d. George W. is relatively safe: He doesn't have a first born son.

Bush and company don't live in the world G_d created. During this religious observance, I cannot remain silent. Can you?

Baron Dave Romm is a conceptual artist and a noble of Ladonia who produces Shockwave Radio Theater, writes in a Live Journal demi-blog, plays with a very weird CD collection and an ever growing list of political links. Dave Romm reviews things at random for obscure web sites. You can read all his music recommendations from Bartcop-E. Podcasts of Shockwave Radio Theater. Permanent archive. More radio programs, interviews and science fiction humor plays can be accessed on the Shockwave Radio audio page.

Thanks to everyone who has sent me music to play on the air.

"If God lived on earth, people would break his windows."
- Jewish proverb

I Don't Get It

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

- Listed as the worlds funniest joke from the Laugh Lab experiment done by Richard Wiseman of the University of Hertfordshire, 2002 -

High Coup

AT FIRST GLANCE I SAW
A GLORIFIED WATER TANK
NOT A CATHEDRAL

- zEN mAN -
(observing the still under construction "Cathedral of Light" catholic church in Oakland.....cost to parishioners.....$175 million)

Go to Health

"Forget Cancer, forget AIDS, Diabetes is fast becoming the king of all chronic disease which is decimating the human race. ('The Centers of Disease Control in Atlanta declares that 33% of the babies born this year will be diabetic by the year 2050.' - Dr. Alan Cantwell)

"Diabetes, which is expanding almost exponentially in the world today, can in part be traced to the increasing radiation to which we are all being exposed. Every physician knows that radiation can lead to cancer, but making a connection between depleted uranium (DU) and diabetes seems ludicrous at first glance is anything but. Most medical doctors have never heard of this but neither have they paid attention to the fact that mercury and other toxic chemicals are also primary causes of diabetes. Even though there is little research into the connection between radiation poisoning and diabetes we should not remain blind, deaf and dumb about it.

"Diabetes is a fundamental disease that affects the entire colony of cells in a person because it has to do with energy metabolism and the vastly important hormone insulin and its receptor sites.

"Type two diabetes, which is fundamentally due to nutritional deficiencies (especially a lack of magnesium), colliding head on with a host of chemical poisons and heavy metals, is also being triggered by the heavy metal toxicity and radioactivity of uranium oxide and other radioactive isotopes that are circulating widely in the environment. Unfortunately, exposure levels are increasing dramatically with each ton of vaporized depleted uranium but that is not stopping the American and British governments from manufacturing, selling and using depleted uranium weaponry."

- Mark Sircus Ac., OMD: DNA and Mitochondrial Time Bombs: Uranium, Mercury and Diabetes -

Free Ad

This 300 piece Spiderman 3 Photomosaic Puzzle was MADE IN AMERICA.

US Ally in Iraq Comes Out in Favor of Abortion

"Now, I swear to God, if we will hear anyone is with Al Qaeda, even if he is still inside his mother's womb, we will kill him."

- Ali Hatem Ali Suleiman in response to the assassination of Sunni sheik Abdul Sattar Abu Risha -

Hypocrite of the Week

"You know, if it's good, I smoke it."

- Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson, an outspoken advocate of Cuban sanctions, defending his large collection of Cuban cigars -

Hell's Caterers

"It doesn't rival the Pentagon's $600 toilet seat, but the Justice Department can fork over a mean $4 meatball.

"An internal Justice audit, released Friday, showed the department spent nearly $7 million to plan, host or send employees to 10 conferences over the last two years. This included paying $4 per meatball at one lavish dinner and spreading an average of $25 worth of snacks around to each participant at a movie-themed party.

"There was plenty, too, for those needing to satisfy a sweet tooth.

"More than $13,000 was spent on cookies and brownies for 1,542 people who attended a four-day 'Weed and Seed' conference in August 2005, according to the audit by Justice Department Inspector General Glenn A. Fine. And a 'networking' session replete with butterfly shrimp, coconut lobster skewers and Swedish meatballs at a Community Oriented Policing Services conference in July 2006 cost more than $60,000.

"The report, which looked at the 10 priciest Justice Department conferences between October 2004 and September 2006, was ordered by the Senate Appropriations Committee. It also found that three-quarters of the employees who attended the conferences demanded daily reimbursement for the cost of meals while traveling effectively double-dipping into government funds.

"Auditors 'found that using appropriated funds to pay for expensive meals and snacks at certain DOJ conferences, while allowable, appear to have been extravagant,' the report concluded."

- Lara Jakes Jordan: Snacks Take Big Bite Out of DOJ Budget -

New World Odor

New security logo on the reverse of North Carolina's driver's licenses

"The first 'North American Union' driver's license, complete with a hologram of the continent on the reverse, has been created in North Carolina.

"'The North Carolina driver's license is "North American Union" ready,' charges William Gheen, president of Americans for Legal Immigration.

"Gheen provided WND with a photo of an actual North Carolina license which clearly shows the hologram of the North American continent embedded on the reverse.

"'The hologram looks exactly [like] the map of North America that is used as the background for the Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America logo on the SPP website,' Gheen told WND. 'I object to the loss of sovereignty that is proceeding under the agreements being made by these unelected government bureaucrats who think we should be North American instead of the United States of America.'"
- Jerome R. Corsi: North American Union driver's license created - Logo intended to standardize documentation across continent -

"Our American way of life is under attack. And it is up to us to save it. The world's elites are busy forming a North American Union. If they succeed, as they were in forming the European Union, the good ol' USA will only be a memory. We cannot let that happen. The UN wants to confiscate our firearms and impose a global tax. The UN elites want to control the oceans with the Law of the Sea Treaty. And they want to use our military to police the world. Our right to own and use property is fading because bureaucrats and special interests are abusing eminent domain."

- Ron Paul -

"It is hard to conceptualize, but the sovereignty of the United States is about over. There will be increasing discussions about the emerging North American Union as the countries of Canada, the United States, and Mexico merge into one Super State. The globalist's plan is that all the nations of the world will be under the control of a one world order, ten global unions, regionally segmented for universal global management."

- Mr. eMan -

Dumb Cops

"A US man has been rejected in his bid to become a police officer for scoring too high on an intelligence test.

"Robert Jordan, a 49-year-old college graduate, took an exam to join the New London police, in Connecticut, in 1996 and scored 33 points, the equivalent of an IQ of 125.

"But New London police interviewed only candidates who scored 20 to 27, on the theory that those who scored too high could get bored with police work and leave soon after undergoing costly training."

- Freedom's Phoenix: Police reject candidate for being too intelligent -

No Exit Strategy

"The United States has committed and sponsored the crime of genocide in Iraq. Outlining the legal meaning of genocide and following Jean-Paul Sartre's analysis of the nature of colonial war, this paper asserts that on the basis of patterns of purposive action a case for intentional genocide can and should be made under the provisions of the Genocide Convention. While the United States has destroyed the state of Iraq, contaminating its environment and creating conditions of mass societal trauma, including the killing of 2,500,000 over 17 years, it has failed and cannot succeed to destroy the nation of Iraq. Being the lynchpin of US attempts to pursue empire by military means, it is the duty of all who struggle for justice to oppose the US genocide wrought on Iraq, move to ensure the prosecution of all those responsible and complicit, and stand firm in solidarity with the Iraqi people and its legal and legitimate resistance."

- Dr. Ian Douglas with the cooperation of Hana Al Bayaty and Abdul Ilah Albayaty: US Genocide in Iraq -

BAD FOOD

Doritos

by Lynette Sheffield

Just when you were running out of ways to waste time, Doritos comes to the rescue!

Yay!

I don't even buy Doritos, at least on purpose. When I am at the grocery store buying nutritious food for my family, somehow rogue Doritos leap into my cart. I don't even notice until I am midway through check-out. By that time, it would be disruptive to the check-out process to return the illicit contraband to its proper place so I am forced by the rules of etiquette to buy all that is in my cart.

I do not intentionally purchase Doritos because I have a severe allergic reaction once I have scarfed down an entire bag without pausing to chew: my butt swells up. I phoned my doctors office to ask if I could get allergy shots for Doritos-intolerance but they hung up on me.

There is precious little sympathy for those of us who suffer so.

But apparently, there are enough bags of Doritos flinging themselves into grocery carts everywhere that the demand has generated a real, actual website at www.doritos.com, I swear to God. The site celebrates all that is Dorito-ey.

On the front page, Snack Strong Productions (really) asks you to Prepare to take snacking to a new level and lets you explore the following after entering the site:

Snack Tech: Games and downloads in a Doritos theme.

Crash the Super Bowl: Shows the top 5 amateur videos as Doritos advertisements that were aired during the last Super Bowl.

Flavor Lab: Levitating bags of chips in the different flavors of Doritos and for some reason, someone riding a Segway back and forth over and over again. Yes, I was sober when viewing this part.

X-13D: Announcing the mystery flavor as cheeseburger in much the same way one would announce the arrival of Christ.

Collisions: Missy Elliott asks you to help create various versions of a Doritos jingle. However, once I saw the style options were country, disco, reggae, punk, Missy only and mariachi, without having the choice of classic rock, I quickly lost interest.

Just know when you go to www.doritos.com everything takes a minute or two to load and if you click Back, you will leave the site.

Most of this hoo-hah is to promote the new Doritos concept: two flavors of chips in one bag.

I'll give you a moment to absorb this information and to recover from the resulting heady excitement.

The marketing geniuses in the Doritos laboratories are now offering Doritos Collisions that are either hot wings & blue cheese or zesty taco & chipotle ranch. That is, I think it is zesty taco and chipotle ranch. On www.doritos.com, when you go to the Collisions part of the site and click on product info, chipotle is misspelled chipoltle. I cannot find a definition of chipoltle in any of my dictionaries and the use of the alternate spelling has sent my spell check into a snit. One must assume that the action of colliding zesty taco and chipotle ranch caused a nuclear reaction that resulted in the additional l. Perhaps Snack Strong Productions has stumbled on a new energy source.

I certainly hope they have because we will probably need it. Those of us who are trying our dead-level best to reduce our carbon footprint face a catastrophic dilemma: Should we use Earths corn supply to make ethanol or Doritos?

Those aren't the only two options for corn. If you want to be too afraid to close your eyes at night, go to http://www.iowacorn.org/cornuse/cornuse_17.html and if you dare, read the frightening tragedy that would befall us In a World Without Corn. Not even Stephen King would tackle this nightmare. There would be no frozen pizza, tacos or marshmallows. Wallpaper, plaster board and cardboard boxes would be affected. Ice cream would suffer from freezer burn and snack foods would lose their crunch. We would be forced to watch movies without popcorn and artificial butter flavoring. My God, people; without corn syrup to help hold moisture, lollipops would become drippy. Drippy lollipops! Is this the kind of world you want to leave to your children?

I shudder at the very idea.

With Snack Strong Productions introducing Collisions Doritos, I wonder if we might be facing a corn shortage AND a fuel shortage.

Maybe we can burn those chipoltles.

- Lynette Sheffield can be found in Bend, Oregon and at lynetteisfunny.com.

Dear Dr. Hollywood,
I am interested in making my own films. I am looking for effective ways to write. How much stage direction is it a good idea to give in a script?
Gary

Gary,
    There are two kinds of scripts, the selling script and the shooting script. The selling script tells the story to everyone pre-production, hoping to get you INTO pre-production. Once you're actually making a movie, you use a shooting script which tells all the people involved precisely what they're going to need for each shot. In many cases, there's not much difference, but sometimes the differences are enormous, especially when the selling script is written by a director who intends on directing the script.
    I often show people my copies of Stanley Kubrick's script for "Full Metal Jacket," and Hal Ashby's script for "Vital Parts." Both directors knew that they were going to be on the set directing the movie, so they left everything out of their script that they knew they would be telling the crew members personally. If you know you're going to be telling the actor to perform a certain way, why tell the producers and the cinematographer and everyone else who is going to be reading the script? It's between you and the actor, so you leave it out of the script. Same thing with camera moves. You're going to be working out the camera moves with the cameraman. Why tell the composer? Same thing with sound cues and edit cues. Kubrick and Ashby's scripts don't contain ONE SINGLE stage direction. They are frustrating reads because you haven't a clue what Kubrick and Ashby actually intended on doing with the script. Everything that will eventually make the film a Kubrick or Ashby film is very deliberately left out of the script, like it's no one's business HOW they've going to make it work. The reader simply has to trust that Kubrick and Ashby know what they're doing.
    You cannot afford to do this unless you are Stanley Kubrick or Hal Ashby, or unless you actually have the money in place to make your movie without interference. If neither of these circumstances fit your bill, then what you are writing is a selling script, a script that quickly and succinctly describes a dynamite movie with a minimum of flourishes, a script that isn't full of itself but simply tells a story that hopefully others will want to hear.
    What's the ratio of dialogue to action? The answer is more visual than anything else. Readers are in a hurry. They like to see space broken up into nice digestible chunks, just like your cat. Throw in a giant blocky paragraph that fills half a page and no one will read it. They'll just skip ahead to the next piece of dialogue. Sure, there are times when a whole page is just dialogue, and there are times when a whole page is just action, but you space it out. If a building explodes, give a whole line to
"Ker-blloooooooooooeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!"

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