by Michael Dare
POV Killer
by
I steal a car. I stop in a burger joint, kill the owner, screw his wife on the counter, then stuff her head into the deep fryer. Some customers arrive and I take their orders. Then they take mine. I force them into the meat locker and blast them all with a shotgun.
I steal their car and cruise Sunset Boulevard looking for hitchhikers. Two teenage punks in front of the Whiskey. They think they've just seen Fear but I'm going to show them the real thing. I lower the window and offer them cocaine. They stick their head in the car. Bad move. I raise the electric window and both their heads fall on the seat.
Hmmm, I wonder who's at the Roxy? I go to the Rainbow Bar with a severed head in each hand. No one notices. It's Halloween. I order Bloody Marys for all. I roll a severed head onto the dance floor and knock over all but one dancer. Him, I knock out with a drink. A spare. Not bad. I pour rum over the other head and set it on fire. The Rainbow burns to the ground. No one notices.
I get back in my car and drive through Beverly Hills. I run over a sushi chef, a gorilla in a diver's helmet, and three Iranians before arriving at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. I go to the coffee shop and buy a paper. The headline reads, "The President's Brain is Missing!" It was stolen six month ago by terrorists, but till now no one noticed. A massive search is on, as the President would like to do some thinking tonight. Shelly Winters is sought for questioning.
I throw the paper away and go to the men's room. I wash my face. I turn around. A beautiful naked woman is walking towards me. We kiss. Her flesh melts from her bones. Her grisly skeleton chases me as the room fills with the smell of decay. The front door is locked. I pound and pound trying to get out but it's no use. I fall to the floor sobbing. I can hear the soggy footsteps getting closer and closer. Seconds pass. A minute. Five minutes. I'm safe. I get up, the door opens easily, and I'm about to step outside when a bony hand grabs my shoulder and pulls me back in.
I wheel around. It's Stanley Kubrick. He tells me he loved my screenplay. He wants to direct it. He shakes my hand and leaves, but not before mentioning that he also loved my review of Body Heat. I didn't review Body Heat. I realize he thinks I'm Michael Ventura.
I decide to kill Michael Ventura. I look up his name in the city directory but they don't list people named after counties. I go to a store. I buy a gun. I blow out the brains of the guy who sells me the gun. Serves him right.
The police arrest me and I go to the pen where I'm buggered and beaten. I escape in a rubber raft. I'm swept out to sea in a storm. I pass out.
I awaken on the shore of a tropical island. Something bites my leg. It's a toy poodle. Here come hundreds of them. They all get sucked under the sand by some hideous hidden beast. I'd better get out of here.
A string ladder drops from the sky. I climb aboard and get quickly carried aloft. I look up. A helicopter full of soldiers and machine guns. I look down. We're strafing Polynesian huts full of hula girls and tourists. I've got to find out who's in charge here. I climb the ladder. Darth Vader leans out and cuts off my hand. I plummet towards the ground.
I discover I can fly. I go to New York. I meet a girl. I fall in love. We have a deformed baby that looks like a turkey torso with eyes. After six months of trying to raise it as my own, I throw it in the oven one night. My wife tries to kill me. I chase her down the hallway. I throw her out a window. No one notices.
I walk to the bookshelf and remove Franny and Zooey. I take it with me to a special benefit concert for dead rock stars. In memory of Jim Morrison, they change the name of Fire Island to Light My Fire Island. There's a riot as the Who forget the words to "Moon Over Miami"; 27 teenagers are trampled to death.
I steal one of the bodies, dress it in my mother's clothes, prop it up at my dining room table, and force feed it chicken soup till it comes back to life. It can only speak in old Jackie Mason routines. It goes to the Improv and gets discovered by a TV exec who gives it its own show. I'm the only one who knows that the star of a major sitcom is actually a dead teenage girl. I try to blackmail the network. They laugh at me. They tell me they've been using nothing but dead teenage girls for years.
I decide that if they can get away with anything, so can I. I walk down the street strangling people. They arrest me. A judge sentences me to produce a TV special about how bad it is to strangle people. I go back to Hollywood and stab a few backs. No one notices.
I put on a mask so no one knows it's me. I kill baby-sitters. I've killed Jamie Lee Curtis 37 times but she keeps coming back for more. Once, I took off all her clothes, hung her from the ceiling, and attacked her with a blowtorch. I recorded her screams for later. I've stabbed her in the shoulder in the shower and in the trachea in a train. I save the blood and roll around in it.
I build giant monuments to my most grisly actions. I starve babies. Pluck them from the womb and scatter them about the room. No wire hangers, ever!
I leave a bowl of apples full of razor blades by my front door for trick or treaters. I put on a new mask and drive around suburbia with a chainsaw. I cautiously follow a group of children dressed as characters from Broadway musicals. I throw one into the bushes and try to rape her with the Uncola when the hills come alive with the sound of an earthquake. Los Angeles falls apart. Mulholland and Fountain now intersect. Everyone thinks it's my fault, not San Andreas. A crowd of tourists beats me to death. No one notices.
A runaway truck full of plate glass strikes a fire hydrant. One sheet flies off the back and becomes a stained glass window as it slices through my neck. A famous French chef picks up my head and takes it to Wolfgang Puck who cracks it open and serves it to Shelly Winters with a melon scoop.
I wake with a scream and find watermelon pits all over the bed. A beautiful nurse enters the room and tries to feed me hospital food, but I have a strange desire for kibble. She tells me I've been unconscious for months recovering from a poodle bite. I look out the window and notice the full moon. Little pink ribbons suddenly appear in my hair. With a horrible, bone-rattling crunch, my face transforms itself into a snout. I turn into a giant toy poodle. I terrorize the town. The National Guard arrives but they can't fire their weapons on me because I'm so darn cute.
I duck down a dark street and up a deserted alley. I join a gang of other poodles. We attack winos. I awaken naked in a zoo. My boss finds out and fires me but I don't care because I know what I am. I am the longest goddam tracking shot in the history of cinema.
I'm staring into the house through the living room window waiting for your parents to leave you alone. I enter through the back door, grab a knife from the kitchen, and follow you upstairs. I put on another mask. I stab you repeatedly till the walls are a Jackson Pollack of your blood. I walk outside still carrying the knife. I hear sirens. I scream.
I wake up and look around. I'm relieved to find that I'm still sitting in a theater watching the movie. Everyone around me is screaming too, so no one notices mine. I look back at the screen. I'm standing on someone's front lawn and laughing hysterically. I stare down at my hand. There's still fresh blood dripping from the knife in it.
What a funny movie. Soon they'll cut to another shot and everyone will get to see what the killer looks like. I'd really like to know. This Point of View shit is driving me crazy. Why is the director lingering so long on this dopey shot of me standing here looking at this knife in my hand? I hear police sirens. Good, maybe they can sort this out. There they are now.
Hey, guys, over here. What are you doing? This is just a movie, isn't it? I was just watching. I scream but I don't wake up. Nothing goes away.
No, of course I don't know what the killer looked like. It was all a POV shot. What do you mean I've got to come with you? Don't you understand? I had nothing to do with it. Where are they taking me? Why doesn't the director cut to another shot?
The audience gets up to leave. My seat is vacant. No one notices.
What? You thought I made all this up? In order of appearance:
The Postman Always Rings Twice, My Bloody Valentine, The 6:00 News, Maniac, Motel Hell, Plan 9 from Outer Space, Heavy Metal, The Fan, Prom Night, The Jerk, Taxi Driver, Escape from Alcatraz, Blue Lagoon, Blood Beach, Apocalypse Now, The Empire Strikes Back, Superman, Endless Love, Eraserhead, Happy Birthday to Me, New Year's Evil, The 10:00 News, Don't Go In the House, Nice Dreams, Get High on Yourself, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Final Exam, Zombie, He Knows You're Alone, When the Screaming Stops, Blow Out, Psycho, Terror Train, Halloween II, Friday the 13th, Mommy Dearest, Earthquake, Scanners, The Omen, Night of the Living Dead, An American Werewolf in London, Altered States, Halloween.
The Weekly Poll
Results Delayed
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Recommended Reading
from Bruce
Andrew Tobias: When Consumers Capitulate (nytimes.com)
Sooner or later, American consumers were going to have to pull in their belts. But the timing of the new sobriety is deeply unfortunate.
Andrew Tobias: To Your Health (andrewtobias.com)
Note the self-assuredness of the poster. You've got to admire such confidence and certainty. This is a guy or gal unafraid to expose the biased, liberal media. Except that $14 billion divided by the population of France (65 million) is actually $215, not $201,000. See the difference?
Mark Morford: Meteor kills Obama! (sfgate.com)
And now, your absolute worst-case election scenarios. Let us purge.
Joel Stein: Are Americans getting dumber? (latimes.com)
It's hard to tell -- especially when you don't even know the temperature at which water boils.
Bill Bishop: The Stuff in Your Bedroom Signals How You Vote (slate.com)
When Sam Gosling studied the differences between liberal and conservative college students, he and his colleagues went snooping for cleaning supplies. In the dorm rooms of conservatives, they found more cans of Ajax and ironing boards.
TOM DANEHY: Lute Olson deserves peace and respect--not rampant rumors (tucsonweekly.com)
Shortly after the report surfaced last week that longtime UA basketball coach Lute Olson was retiring--this time forever, although certainly not for good--I received an e-mail from a pretty regular correspondent, urging me not to join in the cacophony of praise for Olson.
"Roads to Quoz: An American Mosey" by William Least Heat-moon: A Review by Art Winslow
For the moment, disregard the woman who, in the midst of her baptism in an Arkansas river, began hollering about the hand of God when a catfish swam between her legs. Pay no mind either to the caretaker of the 120-foot scroll manuscript of Jack Kerouac's On the Road (worth $1,400 per inch), who travels the country with it and calls it "Jack in the Box"; or to the goat-keeper resident of an old medicine-show truck near a place called Smackover Creek, who has lived cloistered behind a stockade for years but was once musically trained at the Juilliard School; or even to Dorothy Parker, bygone wit of the Algonquin Round Table, whose ashes are at the NAACP national headquarters in Baltimore, marked by her requested epitaph, "Excuse My Dust."
Martin Beckford and Urmee Khan: Harry Potter fails to cast spell over Professor Richard Dawkins (telegraph.co.uk)
Harry Potter has become the latest target for Professor Richard Dawkins who is planning to find out whether tales of witchcraft and wizardy have a negative effect on children.
The grunge girl grows up (guardian.co.uk)
With 10 albums under her belt, singer Juliana Hatfield has finally overcome her youthful insecurity - and the depression she denied. She talks to Priya Elan.
James Parker: Still Current (slate.com)
Thirty years of AC/DC.
Preston Jones: Reception's clear for TV on the Radio (McClatchy Newspapers)
Before co-founding TV on the Radio with David Sitek, Tunde Adebimpe dabbled in filmmaking.
David Ansen: The Horror Of It All (NEWSWEEK)
You can't judge a book by its cover, and you shouldn't judge every movie by its body count.
Colin Covert: Minnesota has another pair of hot moviemaking brothers in Drew and John Erick Dowdle (Star Tribune)
It was one of those only-in-Hollywood moments that cause jaws to drop and careers to veer off in unexpected trajectories. Earlier this month, "Quarantine," a nervy little nail-biter of a horror movie, opened opposite "Body of Lies," a $100 million production from Ridley Scott starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe. "Quarantine" trounced the bigger film at the box office and delighted critics; the New York Times praised the thriller's "solid acting and perfectly calibrated shocks." The film was No. 1 in ticket sales that first day.
George A. Romero: The Zombies and I (popmatters.com)
"The response to 'Night of the Living Dead' made me realize that I could inject socio-political satire into the sort of "horror" fictions that I loved since I was a boy."
'Dick Eats Bush'
New Video
Very happy with how it turned out and hope you enjoy it.
Selected Readings
from that Mad Cat, JD
In The Chaos Household
Last Night
A little drizzle this morning. Barely enough to dampen the sidewalk.
Nielsen Finds Strong Overlap
TV-Internet
Nearly a third of all household Internet activity in North America takes place while the user watches television, suggesting new and old media often share rather than compete for attention, the Nielsen Company said in a report on Friday.
In fact, the study found that heavy Internet users are among the most dedicated of TV viewers, spending more than 250 hours a day in front of the tube, compared with the 220 hours of television watched by people who never go online.
The findings would appear to be good news for broadcasters who worry the Internet is siphoning away viewers, and with them advertising dollars. It also helps explain the apparent paradox between rising TV viewership overall and the growing popularity of new media.
The report, the first of its kind by Nielsen's media measuring service, was based on a sample of 3,000 people in more than 1,000 households during the month of May.
TV-Internet
Posts Halloween Song
Bruce Springsteen
Bruce Springsteen has a Halloween treat for his fans.
The rocker has posted a free download of a new song, "A Night With the Jersey Devil," on his Web site. The song has a blues beat, and Springsteen sings about "16 witches casting 16 spells."
Writes Springsteen: "If you grew up in central or south Jersey you grew up with the 'Jersey Devil.' Here's a little musical Halloween treat. Have fun!"
There's also a video showing Springsteen as the legendary Jersey Devil.
Bruce Springsteen
For Sale
Hard Rock Park
Life in the fast lane apparently was too much for South Carolina's Hard Rock Park.
Six months after opening, the only major U.S. theme park to open in the last decade is for sale.
Spokesman Jim Olecki said Friday the US$400 million Myrtle Beach park celebrating rock 'n' roll couldn't cope with less-than-expected attendance and a faltering economy.
The park opened in April after seven years of planning, with roller coasters based on Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" and the Eagles' "Life in the Fast Lane."
Hard Rock Park
Cashing In
Palin
If her bid for vice president fails, Gov. Sarah Palin could almost surely use her sudden fame to obtain a lucrative book deal or high fees on the lecture circuit, or even get her own TV talk show. But Alaska law might not allow it.
A provision of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act restricts outside employment. It says: "The head of a principal executive department of the state may not accept employment for compensation outside the agency that the executive head serves."
Senior Assistant Attorney General David Jones said the section likely applies to the governor but it's not clear what constitutes "employment."
Palin
Fox 'Toons Out
'King of the Hill'
The preening queens of The Hills? Reigning media darlings. The animated cast of King of the Hill? Out of a job.
Fox has finally called time on its Sunday-night staple, opting not to pick up any more episodes of the second-longest-running animated prime-time series in history, behind The Simpsons, after the end of its 13-episode 13th season.
The network has more than flirted with canceling the show in the past, actually wrapping production on the Hank Hill-centric series before turning around and ordering more episodes.
And while Fox's M.O. is apparently to never say never-having revived both Family Guy and Futurama in recent years-it appears that 260 episodes out from its 1997 debut, the network is officially over the Hill.
'King of the Hill'
Confirms Authenticity
Van Gogh Museum
Two portraits whose authenticity was in doubt have been verified as real Van Goghs, the museum named for the Dutch master confirmed Friday.
Because the themes were so common in the 19th century and the paintings had little similarity to the rest of the work by Vincent van Gogh, their authorship was in doubt, said spokeswoman Natalie Bos of the Van Gogh Museum.
However, a review of physical and historical evidence showed Van Gogh painted them, probably in the spring of 1886 while he was studying under the painter Fernand Cormon in Paris.
Chemical analysis showed the paint was identical to other works definitely attributed to Van Gogh in that period.
Van Gogh Museum
Set For 'Saturday Night Live' Cameo Tonight
McPalin
Aides to the Republican presidential candidate said Friday that John McCain will make a detour from battleground states to appear on "Saturday Night Live," the late-night show that has been a must-watch for many during the political season.
Hosting the show this Saturday is actor Ben Affleck, a supporter of Democratic candidate Barack Obama. The musical guest is singer David Cook.
McCain last appeared on "Saturday Night Live" in May, after clinching the nomination and while the Democratic primary continued. The 72-year-old Arizona senator joked about his age, saying: "I ask you, what should we be looking for in our next president? Certainly, someone who is very, very, very old."
When McCain hosted "SNL" in 2002, he mocked singer Barbra Streisand's political advocacy by performing a medley of her songs.
McPalin
Hires Nashville Publicity Team
Like all good celebrities, Joe the Plumber has hired a publicity team.
Joe Sam the (Unlicensed) Plumber
The Press Office in Nashville, where clients include rockers Grand Funk Railroad and Eddie Money, will help him handle the flood of interview and appearance requests that have poured in since he was mentioned during a presidential debate and quickly became a household name.
"It's like any other celebrity who is in the public eye," said Jim Della Croce, who owns the agency. "There needs to be someone acting as a clearinghouse and interpreting the opportunities and coordinating the media requests, and he truly is being inundated."
Joe the Plumber, whose real name is Samuel J. "Joe" Wurzelbacher, 34, campaigned for the Republican ticket on his own bus tour around Ohio this week and appeared with Sarah Palin on Wednesday. His name comes up at just about every GOP rally.
Joe Sam the (Unlicensed) Plumber
Pleads Guilty
Mackenzie Phillips
Former "One Day at Time" television star Mackenzie Phillips pleaded guilty to cocaine possession on Friday and was ordered into another drug rehab program.
Phillips, 48, thanked police for arresting her at Los Angeles International Airport in August, saying "they saved my life" in an address to Friday's court hearing.
The actress, the eldest daughter of late Mamas & the Papas leader John Phillips, was charged with possessing cocaine, heroin and a hypodermic needle or syringe after airport security found drugs packaged in balloons and plastic bags on her.
Mackenzie Phillips
Project Shelved
U2 Tower
A dramatic 120-meter tower planned for Dublin's docklands to house U2's rock studio has become the latest Irish casualty of the global financial crisis.
The Dublin Docklands Development Authority (DDDA) said on Friday it had suspended negotiations over the tower for up to 12 months due to uncertainty in the property and financial markets.
A consortium including British architect Norman Foster and the U2 band was selected a year ago to build the tower at the mouth of Dublin's River Liffey, with a U2 recording studio to be suspended at the top in an egg-shaped pod.
U2 Tower
Sends Experts To China
Nestle
The head of European food giant Nestle said Friday the company had mounted a "sizable effort" to ensure the safety of its dairy products in China, sending in scientists and specialized machines in the wake of the melamine contamination scandal.
Dairy suppliers are said to have added melamine, a chemical used to make plastics and fertilizer, to watered-down milk to dupe quality control tests and make the product appear rich in protein.
Since the scandal broke, the company began voluntary testing of all its dairy products produced before September 2008. All of its products have been certified by the Chinese government as safe.
Trace amounts of melamine have been found in Nestle products, including milk powder and candy in Taiwan, Hong Kong and other places, though the amounts did not pose a danger to human health.
Nestle
Found Nesting In NZ
Tuatara
A rare reptile with lineage dating back to the dinosaur age has been found nesting on the New Zealand mainland for the first time in about 200 years, officials said Friday.
Four leathery, white eggs from an indigenous tuatara were found by staff at the Karori Wildlife Sanctuary in the capital, Wellington, during routine maintenance work Friday, conservation manager Rouen Epson said.
Tuatara, dragon-like reptiles that grow to up to 32 inches, are the last descendants of a species that walked the earth with the dinosaurs 225 million years ago, zoologists say.
They have unique characteristics, such as two rows of top teeth closing over one row at the bottom. They also have a pronounced parietal eye, a light-sensitive pineal gland on the top of the skull. This white patch of skin - called its "third eye" - slowly disappears as they mature.
Tuatara
In Memory
Studs Terkel
Studs Terkel, the ageless master of listening and speaking, a broadcaster, activist and Pulitzer Prize-winning author whose best-selling oral histories celebrated the common people he liked to call the "non-celebrated," died Friday. He was 96.
He was a native New Yorker who moved to Chicago as a child and came to embrace and embody his adopted town, with all its "carbuncles and warts," as he recalled in his 2007 memoir, "Touch and Go." He was a cigar and martini man, white-haired and elegantly rumpled in his trademark red-checkered shirts, an old rebel who never mellowed, never retired, never forgot, and "never met a picket line or petition I didn't like."
The tougher the subject, the harder Terkel took it on. He put out an oral history collection on race relations in 1992 called "Race: How Blacks and Whites Think and Feel About The American Obsession," and, in 1995, "Coming of Age," recollections of men and women 70 and older.
Terkel won a 1985 Pulitzer Prize for "The Good War," remembrances of World War II; contrasted rich and poor along the same Chicago street in "Division Street: America," 1966; limned the Depression in "Hard Times," 1970; and chronicled how people feel about their jobs in "Working," 1974.
For his oral histories, Terkel interviewed his subjects on tape, then transcribed and sifted. "What first comes out of an interview are tons of ore; you have to get that gold dust in your hands," he wrote in his memoir. "Now, how does it become a necklace or a ring or a gold watch? You have to get the form; you have to mold the gold dust."
Terkel would joke that his obsession with tape recording was equaled by only one other man, a certain former president of the United States: "Richard Nixon and I could be aptly described as neo-Cartesians. I tape, therefore I am."
Terkel's politics were liberal, vintage FDR. He would never forget the many New Deal programs from the Great Depression and worried that the country suffered from "a national Alzheimer's disease" that made government the perceived enemy. In a 1992 interview with the AP, he advocated "pressure from below, from the grass roots. That means the people who live and work in cities - that used to be called the working class, although now everyone says middle class."
Terkel was born Louis Terkel on May 16, 1912, in the Bronx. His father, Samuel, was a tailor; his mother, Anna, a seamstress. The family moved to Chicago in 1922 and ran a rooming house where young Louis would meet the workers and activists who would profoundly influence his view of the world.
He got the nickname Studs as a young man, from the character Studs Lonigan, the protagonist of James T. Farrell's beloved trilogy of novels about an Irish-American youth from Chicago's South Side.
Terkel graduated from the University of Chicago in 1932, studying philosophy, and also picked up a law degree. But instead of choosing law, he worked briefly in the civil service and then found employment in radio with one of his beloved "alphabet agencies" from the New Deal, the WPA Writers Project.
His early work as a stage actor led to radio acting, disc jockey jobs and then to radio interview shows beginning in the 1940s. From 1949 to 1952, he was the star of a national TV show, "Studs' Place," a program of largely improvised stories and songs set in a fictional bar (later a restaurant) owned by Studs. Some viewers even thought it was a real place, and would go looking for it in Chicago.
The McCarthy-era antipathy toward activists cost him his national TV outlet. But his radio interview show flourished, first at WFMT in Chicago and then, through syndication, in many markets.
In 1939, he married social worker Ida Goldberg, a marriage that lasted 60 years even though she couldn't get him to dance and always called him Louis, not Studs. "Ida was a far better person than I, that's the reality of it," Terkel later wrote of Ida, who died in 1999.
"She had a certain empathy I lack. And she was more politically active than I. ... Did she play a tremendous role in my life? Yeah, you could say so."
Studs Terkel
In Memory
Robert Furman
Former Army Maj. Robert R. Furman, who secretly supervised an Allied roundup of top German scientists and European uranium stocks during World War II, has died. He was 93.
His role in the development of the atomic bomb was cloaked in secrecy. Furman's name did not appear in official documents for decades and he was known as the "Mysterious Major," according to historian Thomas Powers, who met Furman in the late 1980s while working on "Heisenberg's War," a book about German bomb-building efforts.
Furman was born Aug. 21, 1915, in Trenton, N.J. He graduated from Princeton University in 1937 with a degree in civil engineering.
An Army reservist, Furman was activated in December 1940 and assigned to the Washington headquarters of the Quartermaster Corps Construction Division, where he supervised day-to-day construction of the Pentagon until mid-1943, according to Steve Vogel's 2007 book, "The Pentagon."
Gen. Leslie R. Groves picked Furman as his chief of intelligence, responsible for finding out about German atomic bomb research. Groves ordered Furman to recover for the Allies all the uranium in Europe. He secured vast stores of the element needed for nuclear fission.
When the war in Europe ended in May 1945, Furman was ordered to round up Germany's top scientists. He supervised the detention of Werner Heisenberg, Germany's leading physicist, and nine other scientists who were taken to a country estate in England where their conversations were monitored and where they could not defect to the Soviet Union.
Furman also escorted a supply of U.S. enriched uranium from the secret Manhattan Project in Los Alamos, N.M., to the Pacific island of Tinian, where the first atomic bombs to be used in warfare were assembled. On Aug. 6, 1945, he watched the B-29 Enola Gay take off for Hiroshima, where the first atomic bomb was dropped.
A year later, Furman left the Army, opened a construction business, married and raised a family.
His Rockville-based Furman Builders Inc. built hundreds of structures including Potomac Mills Mall, the Metropolitan Baptist Church in Washington and the U.S. embassy in Nicaragua.
Robert Furman
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