BartCop Entertainment Archives - Tuesday, 31 October, 2006

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Mid-Term Election Guide

by Michael Dare

THE CANDIDATES

GOVERNOR

John Wayne (Rep): Promises to help the rich, fuck the poor, cut taxes, and make up the difference with more federal military contracts.

Rock Hudson (Dem): Promises to help the poor, fuck the rich, raise taxes, and have the first gay wedding in the State Capital.

David Crosby (Peace & Freedom): Promises to put mandatory solar panels on all new home construction, ban the internal combustion engine, make sure all "free range" chickens actually have access to a range, legalize all drugs, and smoke pot in his office while getting blown by hippie chicks under his desk.

Carrot Top (Green): Promises more props in the State of the State address.

Tony Soprano (Ind): Promises a free mink stole to every woman and a free lapdance from one of the strippers at the Badda-Bing to every man who votes for him. Refuses to divulge his political agenda because "it's none of your fuckin' business."

CONGRESSMAN

Reverend Truman Capote (Rep): Promises to deal with the congressional page problem by replacing all his pages with choirboys. Wants to put the "fun" back in fundamentalism.

Mr. Smith (Dem): Promises to tour all the national monuments in Washington, get a rebirth of the spirit of freedom that made this country great, filibuster the next Republican attempt to renew the Patriot Act, then die in a plane crash under mysterious circumstances.

Osama bin Laden (Peace & Freedom): Promises to work with the terrorists to move the Iraq war somewhere else.

Swamp Thing (Green): Promises to get back at arch-villain Anton Arcane, prove to his daughter Abby that he still loves her, and that a trace of Alec Holland's humanity still lingers under his weed-encrusted shell of a body.

Jesus Christ (Ind): Promises to sell out all his principles and get as rich as possible by selling favors to any major corporation trying to fuck over the public.

THE PROPOSITIONS

Proposition A

Authorizes the sale of $16 billion in municipal bonds to fix every crack in every sidewalk in the state. Sponsored by the M.W.B.B. (Mothers With Broken Backs)

Proposition B

Changes the state "Three Strikes" law to a "One Strike" law, giving a mandatory life sentence to anyone found guilty of anything. Sponsored by the Prison Guards of America.

Proposition C

Changes all EPA regulations to the "honor system."

Proposition D

Parental notification. Any criminal contemplating breaking any law must notify their parents one week before the commission of the crime.

Proposition E

Authorizes the sale of $30 trillion in municipal bonds to clean up the mess authorized by Proposition C.

Proposition F

Creates an oversight committee to monitor all government agencies not already monitored by a vast bureaucracy. Creates thousands of meaningless jobs for those whose jobs were taken by illegal aliens.

Proposition G

Authorizes the sale of $5 billion in municipal bonds to build a wall around the state. Sponsored by the Handball Association of America.

Proposition H

Authorizes the sale of $2 billion in municipal bonds to print up more municipal bonds.

Quiz of the Week

Pick the Speaker of the House

Vogon

Dennis Hastert

Your Answers to the Last Stupid Question of the Week

The Honorable Congressman Mark Foley was busted by some unfortunate e-mails that became public. What are some other congressional e-mails they don't want us to see?

Unfortunately I was the victim of a cybersquatter. Not only was my website down for a few weeks but I didn't get any email to the disinfotainmenttoday.com address, which was all the answers to the last stupid question of the week.

Stupid Question of the Week

For many decades it was believed that aluminum caused Alzheimer's Disease. Millions of dollars were spent protecting the American public from consuming aluminum, including special coatings on aluminum cooking utensils and the insides of aluminum cans. But it was recently discovered the opposite is true; Alzheimer's Disease causes aluminum build-up in the human body. It makes no difference how much aluminum you consume, which got me thinking. Hey, maybe fat causes overeating and cancer causes smoking. What other examples of cause and effect might actually be the reverse of common knowledge?

Google Smackdown of the Week

and the winner is "you know nothing" by 1,120,000.

Christmas Gift from Hell

Everybody needs a steam powered laptop

Don't Take My Word For It

"I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty."
- Nancy Reagan

"The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if not Homer, somebody else of the same name."

- Aldous Huxley -

"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room."

- Blaise Pascal -

"In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known."

- Thomas Pickering -

"This is what I say: Your mind is spiritual and so too is the sense-perceived world. The spirit is timeless and it dominates all existence as the great law guiding all beings in their search for truth. It changes crude nature into mind, and there is no being that can't be transformed into a vessel of truth."
- Brahmajala Sutra -

"Newspapermen learn to call a murderer 'an alleged murderer' and the King of England 'the alleged King of England' to avoid libel suits."

- Stephen Leacock -

    "The American system is the most ingenious system of control in world history. With a country so rich in natural resources, talent, and labor power, the system can afford to distribute just enough wealth to just enough people to limit discontent to a troublesome minority. It is a country so powerful, so big that it can afford to give freedom of dissent to the small number who is not pleased.
    "There is no system of control with more openings, apertures, leeways, flexibility, rewards for the chosen, winning tickets in lotteries. There is none that disperses it controls more completely through the voting system, the work situation, the church, the family, the school, the mass media - none more successful in mollifying opposition with reforms, isolating people from one another, creating patriotic loyalty.
    "One percent of the nation owns a third of the wealth. The rest of the wealth is distributed in such a way as to turn those in the 99 % against one another: Small property owners against the propertyless, black against white, native born against foreign born, intellectuals and professionals against the uneducated and unskilled. These groups have resented one another and warred against one another with such vehemence and violence as to obscure their common position as sharers of leftovers in a very wealthy country."
- Howard Zinn: The People's History of the United States of America -

"Internal peace is an essential first step to achieving peace in the world. How do you cultivate it? It's very simple. In the first place by realizing clearly that all mankind is one, that human beings in every country are members of one and the same family."

- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -

"In fact, grassing over that portion of the world's cropland now being used to grow grain to feed ruminants would offset fossil fuel emissions appreciably. For example, if the sixteen million acres now being used to grow corn to feed cows in the United States became well-managed pasture, that would remove fourteen billion pounds of carbon from the atmosphere each year, the equivalent of taking four million cars off the road. We seldom focus on farming's role in global warming, but as much as a third of all the greenhouse gases that human activity has added to the atmosphere can be attributed to the saw and the plow."

- Michael Pollan: The Omnivore's Dilemma (Mandatory reading) -

"Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth."
- Buddha -

"Justifying space exploration because we get non-stick frying pans is like justifying music because it is good exercise for the violinist's right arm."
- Richard Dawkins -

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens."

- Carl Jung -

"When a man finds no peace within himself, it is useless to seek it elsewhere."

- L. A. Rouchefolicauld -

"If you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. I'm not sure that motivation is always a good thing. You show me a lazy prick lying in bed all day watching TV, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."

- George Carlin -

"My taste runs towards pieces with a lot of characters, a fairly large canvas. And that doesn't fit most commercial movies, where the formula is one guy has to learn a big lesson by act three. To me, what's funny is that people don't learn lessons in life. That's the essence of comedy."

- Harry Shearer -

"One has a stronger hand when there's more people playing your same cards."

- Dubya: Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 2006 -

"Nothing is more humiliating than to see idiots succeed in enterprises we have failed at."

- Gustave Flaubert -

"It's worth remembering that only five years ago, the US was reeling under anthrax attacks which killed five people and ground postal services to a halt. It's also worth noting what happened next.

"Even though the Bush administration soon realized that the anthrax source was domestic, Vice President Dick Cheney played the war card in claiming Osama bin Laden's terrorist training manuals teach "how to deploy these kinds of substances." While Congress admirably resisted adopting the odious Patriot Act in the weeks following 9/11, both chambers quickly caved when two Democratic senators' offices were subsequently targeted with anthrax-laced letters. Coincidentally, Congress once again resisted renewing the Patriot Act in February 2006, but after a nerve agent scare on Capitol Hill led to the quarantine of 200 people, it caved once again.

"The big story behind the 2001 anthrax attacks, however, was never properly covered: White House staff had started taking Cipro, an anthrax-treatment drug, a full week before the first attack even occurred. You've got to wonder what prior information the Bush administration had - and why it was not communicated to the US public.

"While serious questions behind the anthrax incidents may never be answered, the attacks were phenomenally successful in two ways: providing justification for the Bush administration to rev up spending on bio-defense and adding more fuel to the fire for an invasion of Iraq."

- Heather Wokusch -

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."

- Alan Kay -

"There is no passion like that of a functionary for his function."
- Georges Clemenceau -

"To carry yourself forward and experience myriad things is delusion. That myriad things come forth and experience themselves is awakening."

- Dogen: Actualizing the Fundamental Point -

"I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother."

- Artemus Ward -

"No 'I,'
No 'mine.'
He knows there is nothing.
All his inner desires have melted away.
Whatever he does,
He does nothing.
His mind has stopped working!
It has simply melted away...
And with it,
Dreams and delusions and dullness.
And for what he has become,
There is no name."
- Ashtavakra Gita 17:19-20 -

"On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away."
- Tom Lehrer lecturing in "The Nature of Math" -

"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad."
- Norm Papernick -

"What is old friendship? It is when neither friend objects to the liberties taken by the other."
- Tirukkural 801 -

"There exists something that cannot be described."
- Maharamayana -

"There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise."

- Gore Vidal -

"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority."

- Ralph W. Sockman -

"Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty."

- Leo Rosten -

"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."

- David Frost -

Satan Doesn't Want You to Know

You could be living here.

Don't let this happen to you.

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Acknowledgment

dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form, preferably parchment. It consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's either satire or fair use.

Thanks,

Pastor Akanonto Korea

http://www.disinfotainmenttoday.com

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