Tuesday

Christopher Walken Campaign Speech

 

Those of you hoping that the current administration will resolve any world conflicts are sadly deluded.

 

If you were in the air conditioning industry, you'd hope for hot weather, and if the air conditioning industry controlled the weather and was unscrupulous, we'd have record breaking heat to promote sales of air conditioners. If you were in the mosquito net industry, you'd hope for more mosquitoes, and if the mosquito net industry could do it and was unscrupulous, we'd have plagues of mosquitoes to promote sales of mosquito nets. And if you were in the arms industry, you'd hope for more wars. If the arms industry controlled the United States government, which they do, and they were unscrupulous, which they are, we'd have wars all over the world to promote sales of the instruments of war.

 

That's why we're in Iraq and Afghanistan, actions which have created MORE terrorists. That's why they're "staying the course." The current administration isn't in the conflict RESOLUTION industry, they're in the conflict CREATION industry. They're promoting sales of armaments. It's the oldest trick in the book, dating back to Roman times; creating the enemies you need. They are war profiteers. The warmongers have hijacked the country, and they're trying to hijack the world.

 

Let's get it back. My name is Christopher Walken and I'm running for president of the United States. I'm not a Democrat OR Republican because they're different sides of the same coin. They're all bought and sold and they've all got to go, every last one of them. I won't talk to someone who's obviously corrupt and I won't debate anyone whose opinions I have no respect for. I won't make a deal with ANYONE who voted for the USA Patriot Act. I won't make a deal with ANYONE who voted to give George W. Bush war powers. I won't even TALK to the bastards. They're all in the same racket and it's time to clean house. They're the scum of the earth and you, the people of the United States, have got the power to send them packing. Let's start at the top.

 

I won't put those in defense out of a job, I'll just give them different jobs. They can build floating hospitals instead of aircraft carriers. We've already got enough aircraft carriers. I'm not anti-defense. Vote for me and I'll keep us strong in order to PREVENT wars, not to start more of them.

 

I leave you with some quotes from a few other people who had the job I'm asking you to give me. See if you can figure out who said this... "Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are [a] few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid." Nope, it wasn't Michael Moore, it was President Dwight D. Eisenhower. Sadly, he got that wrong. The "number is negligible" part, not the "stupid" part.

 

And who said  "We had to struggle with the old enemies of peace - business and financial monopoly, speculation, reckless banking, class antagonism, sectionalism, war profiteering. They had begun to consider the Government of the United States as a mere appendage to their own affairs. We know now that Government by organized money is just as dangerous as Government by organized mob." It was Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

 

How about "Here in America we are descended in blood and in spirit from revolutionaries and rebels - men and women who dared to dissent from accepted doctrine. As their heirs we never confuse honest dissent with disloyal subversion." Eisenhower again.

 

"There exists a false aristocracy based on family name, property, and inherited wealth. But there likewise exists a true aristocracy based on intelligence, talent, and virtue." God bless Thomas Jefferson for saying that.

 

Who said "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." It was Benjamin Franklin. Okay, that was a trick question. He was never president.

 

I bet you know who said "In the final analysis, our most common link is that we inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal." It was John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who also said "The basic problems facing the world today are not susceptible to a military solution," and "The high office of President has been used to foment a plot to destroy the American's freedom, and before I leave office I must inform the citizen of his plight." Too bad he never got that chance.

 

And finally, "We will bankrupt ourselves in the vain search for absolute security." Yep, a four-star general who fought WWII, Dwight D. Eisenhower. He got THAT right, entirely.

 

I will not follow in the footsteps of my immediate predecessor. George W. Bush is a president for the history books. His greatest accomplishment is that he is the only president to serve two terms despite the fact he lost both elections. His other great accomplishments are..., wait a minute, I'm sure I can think of some. (PAUSE) Nope, my mind's a blank. The only accomplishments I can think of are that he killed a lot of innocent people in order to make his friends money. That's not great. That's embarrassing and despicable.

 

Vote for me and I guarantee you it won't happen again while I'm in charge.

 

Thank you.

Fall TV Schedule from Hell

 

Jeff Gannon, AKA James Guckert, has a new show on Fox called "The Queen of Kings," about a gay male escort who infiltrates the White house.