Bartcop Entertainment - Tuesday, 2 April, 2002

Tuesday

2 April, 2002

big hammer - bigger hammer

(Updated Daily)

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Who's Going To Hell This Week

Helen A. Handbasket


Who's Going to Hell This Week?

by

Helen A. Handbasket



As ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire, Helen's access to eternal contracts is legendary. She is the world's foremost double-agent war-correspondent from hell - to Hollywood - and back again. Her opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.
 

WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

April 1, 2002

 
Only one person is going to hell this week.
 
1.  "I love Jews," said Reverend Billy Graham in response to a White House tape of him saying the exact opposite. "Heck, if it weren't for Jews, Richard Nixon wouldn't have anyone to play pinochle with in hell."
 
Ha ha. Just kidding. April Fools. You're all going to hell.
 
Personal to Sharon: Peek-a-boo.
Personal to Arafat: I see you.
 

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

 
11 Palestinians killed by masked gunmen for collaborating with Israel times $29 million in heroin-grade morphine seized by Turkish police plus 70 to 90 million doses of smallpox vaccine discovered in a pharmaceutical company closet minus $30.2 million brought in by "The Panic Room" equals 500 yards between Bethlehem's Church of the Nativity and Israeli tanks times every DVD sold of the new R-rated "Lord of the Rings" minus $76 million spent by Michael Bloomberg to become Mayor of New York City plus every bunny cloned in time for Easter.
 

CARTOON FROM HELL

 

QUOTES FROM HELL

 
"All Truth passes through Three Stages: First, it is ridiculed...Second, it is Violently Opposed...Third, it is Accepted as being Self-Evident."
- Arthur Schopenhauer -
 
"There is madmen in the world, and there are terror."
- George W. Bush -
 
"Terrorists may now be employed at nuclear reactors in the United States just as terrorists enrolled in flight schools in the U.S."
- Rep. Ed Markey, D-Mass. -
 
"I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones."
- Albert Einstein -
 

BROADWAY MUSICAL FROM HELL

 
In the planning stages, an all black rap revival of Music Man. "Now either you are closing your eyes to a situation that you do not with to acknowledge, or you are not aware of a caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a crack house in your community. W-e-e-ell, you got trouble my friends, Right here, I say trouble right here in Motor City..."
 

ART FROM HELL

Okay, get this. Using satellite global positioning
systems, people drive around town creating
giant pictures like this elephant in Brighton.
More here.
 

DON'T SUPPORT TERRORISM

 
Buy as many illegal drugs as you want but don't buy gas from companies that get their oil from the Middle East.
 
Major companies that import Middle Eastern oil
(for the period 9/1/00 - 8/31/01).

Shell                    205,742,000   barrels

Chevron/Texaco 144,332,000 barrels
Exxon/Mobil 130,082,000 barrels
Marathon 117,740,000 barrels
Amoco 62,231,000 barrels


At $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18 BILLION!


Here are some large companies that do not import middle Eastern oil:

Citgo                    0    barrels

Sunoco 0 barrels
Conoco 0 barrels
Sinclair 0 barrels
BP/Phillips 0 barrels
 

QUIZ FROM HELL

 
Which death was funniest?
 
a) Billy Wilder
b) Milton Berle
c) Dudley Moore
d) The Queen mum
 

LETTERS FROM HELL

 
AL BIEREH, West Bank:
 
As I write the Israeli army is going from neighborhood to neighborhood demanding all males from 16-60 exit their homes and gathering them at a local school (Mugtarabeen) yard. My sister-in-law just called and advised that her husband, Mohd Yacoub, was one of the tens that were rounded up in her area.
 
The Israelis have taken over Al-WATAN local TV channel in Ramallah and is airing programs that are anti-Palestinian. This aggression is much more than the tanks you are seeing on CNN.
 
Electricity is off in several areas. We were without it for the most of yesterday. Israeli tanks make systematic rounds through the neighborhoods. Gunfire was heard most of the night.
 
A lot of physical damage is being done to the city, but that is secondary right now while human loss that still threatens us.
 
The real damage is to the children. Sharon has created another generation of resistance that will not know the notion of reconciliation or have hope for peaceful co-existence.
 
The US and Israel will torture the word terrorism for months and years to come, but the Palestinian resistance, armed and otherwise, that the Palestinians will embark on for years to come will be all the more legitimate and justified given the terror of 37 year of military occupation and 18 months of aggression led by an Israeli war-criminal cabinet. Frankly, I do not think that Palestinians will give a damn from now on how the powers-to-be term their struggle.
 
And as for the suicide bombings that Sharon has bluffed the world into believing he is stopping with his aggression, well, painfully they will increase, to the disliking of all, even those under the occupation. More and more Palestinians will now equate life and death and undertake actions that reflect such a mental and physical condition.
 
Our Palestinian brothers and sisters within Israel have taken to the streets today in commemoration of LAND DAY and to call for an end to the latest Israeli aggression.
 
No one here is surprised at Sharon's actions or the US' pitifully inaction. But we wonder where is the Israeli public? Where are those that know damn well that when all is over and done they are going to live with us, happily or not? Do they know that their silence will create an amount of hate that will need decades to repair? Do they care? Can they not see a people in desperation? Do they not have limits to their personal involvement in humiliating a whole people? Do they not fear their children's lives as they rampage Palestinian cities?
 
As for Arafat, Sharon has put Israel in a corner. If he is killed, the ramifications in the region will bring many black days on Israel. If he lives, the Palestinian people will have, yet again, defeated Sharon with barely no resources.
 
Well, I leave to spend some time with my daughters before becoming a prisoner of the occupation...
 
Sam B. Saturday, March 30 2002
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March 31, 2002
 
Dear Friends
 
Since all of you are worried and some send me a lot of emails that I can not answer all but I will now in the last week I have been in Ramallah, Palestine's temporary capital.
 
The situation is fucked up. Arafat could be killed anytime and the Israeli army is going crazy killing, massacres all the shit in the world since Adam is now in Ramallah.
 
They attack every hospital and search and destroy. All ambulances can not move unless they call the Israeli army which means any injured people are dead.
 
In the beginning there was some light resistance but every Palestinian bullet has a tank shell respond.
 
The journalists are being asked to leave which we did not coz if we do that means holocaust in Ramallah without coverage. They started with taking media buildings. We have been kicked out.
 
This day a bank was robbed by the Israeli army. Palestinian poor policemen like traffic police were slaughtered. Every policeman is a target.
 
There is no water, electricity nor telephones except for places far from downtown and far from president Arafat's office and finally I got Internet so I emailed you my friends.
 
Food is now a very big problem. People who need hospital have to go to the moon. I feel so sad and angry if this continues people will die starving and more Ramallah is isolated for 4 days with 24 hours curfew. The Israeli speakers say,
 
"there is a curfew and whoever goes out of his house will be killed"
 
Events are developing and Sharon will not stop whatever happens and the Palestinian people now are in danger. Genocide, war crimes and no respect for medical staffs or media personalities, even a cameraman was shoot in his jaw.
 
I wish this will end soon but it does not seem so. I went today to a house were 22 people live in. Most are children in one room were the army controlled all their building.
 
Tanks are more than cars in Ramallah and anyway all the cars we can see are smashed.
 
I am fine do not be worried. I miss you all. I love you all and I promise to be careful and not stupid.
 
With love, Ahmad
 
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I'm here in Aida Refuge Camp outside of Bethlehem. Bethlehem is apparently under siege. H. is in Ramallah at the compound with Arafat and was just heard on a Palestinian TV channel. There are apparently about 50 internationals in the compound. Tension is very high here.
 
Earlier in the day we heard that tanks had surrounded Bethlehem. We heard also that Arafat has vowed not to leave and has his gun and said he would become a martyr.
 
There were two events in Bethlehem yesterday -- we marched, about 80 internationals, to Beit Jala and confronted Israeli soldiers in tanks. Later in the day there was a huge march to angle Square with hundreds of people.
 
Today, Eid (Easter), we joined hundreds of people in Beit Sahour and marched to the center where Palestinian officials made speeches and children burned an Israeli flag from the roof of a building.
 
We are going now to our Palestinians families in the camp and expect some heavy Israeli attacks tonight. Will write again as soon as I can.
 
Gale T.
 
------------------------------------------------------------
 
We got a call from our friend Tzaporah (a Jewish American woman from Minneapolis) at 3 a.m. this morning. She is in Ramallah, where the Israelis have Arafat's compound surrounded and are shelling him. She is only a few houses away. She was sitting on the floor whispering. She told my husband how the Palestinian women and children are trying to escape from Ramallah, and soldiers in jeeps chase them and snipers shoot at them.
 
The snipers have taken over the rooftops and are shooting anyone that moves, women and children included. The Palestinians are running out of food. The Israelis have shut off the electricity. They won't let anyone leave.
 
Anyone who ventures onto the street is shot at. Tzaporah has been shot at. All this, while they/we demand that Arafat put an end to the violence. The hypocrisy of it leaves me stuttering with rage. The Israelis are firing their tanks into the compound, and going room to room, shooting with automatic weapons. There are perhaps 50 "internationals" in there, trying to shield the Palestinians.
 
The Israelis announced a few minutes ago that in one hour they will storm the compound. We believe they mean to kill Arafat. If they do, there will be no stopping the war. Many Palestinians didn't much like Arafat before this escalation, but if the Israelis kill him, Arafat will be, as a Palestinian friend of ours put it, "what Jesus is to the Christians."
 
CNN has been showing suicide bomb footage nonstop, but there isn't a word about how they're mowing down civilians in Ramallah. The suicide bombings are shown as a freak of nature, without context, with no explanation of the utter despair and overwhelming anger that drives such an act.
 
I cannot bear to listen to the inarticulate jingoism of Bush, but was shocked that he referred to "Homeland Security" for Israel, equating their "security" with our own. His remarks essentially give Sharon carte blanche to commit another massacre, perhaps exceeding the scale of those he already bears responsibility for in Sabra and Shatilla.
 
Is the "security" of Israel (read colonial occupation and war crimes) worth the risk of igniting World War III?
 
Caitlin R.
 
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IT IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE HERE THERE ARE DEMONSTRATIONS EVERY WHERE AND THEY ARE ASKING THE GOVERNMENT TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR JIHAD SO EGYPTIANS CAN GO FIGHT THE ISRAELIS. THE ISLAMIC COLLEGE TOLD MUBARAK THAT THEY DOD NOT CARE ABOUT HIS AGREEMENTS AND THEY WANT THE GOVERNMET TO ALLOW THEM TO GO AND FIGHT. EGYPT 30/03/2002.
 
Wael. R.
 
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The mighty US-tax funded Israeli army that has taken over local, private Palestinian TV channels in Ramallah is now broadcasting hard core pornography. It started last night and is now on again (3:45pm).
 
I guess this is how Israel plans to stop suicide bombers and build healthy neighbors.
 
I close with two quotes sent by a friend
 
"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality." -- Dante
 
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." --Edmund Burke
 
Sam B.
 
Bush is 100% behind Israel.
 

CHILDREN'S SONG FROM HELL

 
WAR ON TERROR
(to the tune of Frere Jacque)
 
War on terror
War on terror
How's by you?
How's by you?
How's by you Osama?
Did you have a trauma?
Hope it's true
Hope it's true
 
War on terror
War on terror
So what's new?
So what's new?
Feeling sort of bomby?
Wanna call your mommy?
Oh boo hoo
Oh boo hoo
 
War on terror
War on terror
Feeling blue?
Join the queue
Palestine bombed daily
Soon will be Israeli
Quite a coup
Quite a coup
 
(Sing as a round till you puke)
 

SITES FROM HELL

 
Do you miss Peter Cook and Dudley Moore? Remove the lobsters from your bum and listen to splendid Real Audio clips of Derek and Clive but not while your kids are in the room.
 
Do you miss Calvin and Hobbes? Go here for all kinds of fun stuff.
 
Hurray, Belgium is considering giving prostitutes to the disabled.
 
Finally, you can buy zoo animal poop.
 
Are you insane? Take the insanity test.
 
Couple Sues for False Advertising: "WATERFRONT" Property on Banks of River Styx.
 
Wanna get depressed? Check out this list of the 10 most endangered national parks.
 
Then again, maybe things are looking up as solar-cell technology gets cheap.
 
Hints 'n' tips is an excellent information exchange center for just about anything.
 
Would you believe me if I told you there was very cool animation of cell mitosis?
 
Catholics declare new Saint of Molestation.
 
Worried about mind control? You need an aluminum foil deflector beanie.
 
AOL wants their employees to use any other mail system but theirs.
 
Read reviews of films that only exists as films within other films.
 
Sweep your computer for surveillance bugs with bugnosis.
 
Visit W's latest toy, Bunker Buster, the Friendly Nuke.
 
President Osama B. Laden today called for a "regime change" in the United States, saying the military dictatorship led by unelected strongman George Walker Bush"is an ever-present threat to world peace."
 
Yes, there is hell on earth. Check out this giant list of Really Bad Websites.
 
 

PUZZLE FROM HELL



Answer to last week's puzzle from hell:
"If 50 million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing" - Anatole France -
 


Don't let this happen to you.
Read Hell is for Gumshoes


home.earthlink.net/~dare2b


Many thanks to Michael Dare!

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Reader Suggestion

'Find The Chimp'

JD

FIND THE CHIMP


LOL! Thanks, JD

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From 'TBH Politoons'

Great Site!

Click Here!


WOW! Thanks, again, Tim!

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In The Chaos Household

Last Night

There was basketball in the background most of the evening, but I was changing the water in the fish bowls. We have 3 Siamese Fighting Fish (Betas), and they have to be kept apart. Sure are pretty.

Herbie Hancock was sitting in with Paul Shaffer on 'Dave'!



Tonight, Tuesday, CBS starts the night with a rerun on 'JAG', and follows it with a rerun of 'The Guardian', then it's a fresh 'Judging Amy'. Dave is fresh.

NBC starts the night with a rerun 'Frasier', then fresh episodes of 'Watching Ellie', 'Frasier', 'Watching Ellie' (this is the last scheduled episode), and wraps with 'Dateline'. Jay is fresh.

ABC starts the night with 2 fresh episodes of 'Dharma & Greg', then a rerun 'NYPD Blue', and a fresh 'The Court'.

The WB has reruns of 'Gilmore Girls' and 'Smallville'.

Faux starts the night with a rerun 'That 70's Show', and then fresh episodes of 'Andy Richter' and '24'.

UPN has reruns of 'Buffy', 'The Parkers' and 'Girlfriends'.

AMC has a great movie, 'The Manchurian Candidate'. You'll never look at Angela Lansbury the same way again.

2 hour block of 'The Osbournes' on MTV at 6pm (est).
And a fresh episode airs at 10:30 pm (est), too!



Come on, let's get some more Ozzy/'The Osbournes' input!

Since the kid is on spring break, update hours will be a bit skewed....Check back a bit after high noon (pst)...Thanks.



Anyone have any opinions?

Or reviews?



(See below for addresses)

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Woo Hoo & Hot Damn!

Crossfire



Co-hosts Tucker Carlson (R) and James Carville (L) square off on political issues as co-host Paul Begala (C) looks on April 1, 2002 as CNN's Crossfire debuts in its new seven p.m. time slot that has expanded to an hour-long format. The show is also in front of a live studio audience at The George Washington University.
Photo by John Harrington

Want/Need the Transcript?

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Monday On The Hollywood Walk of Fame

Ray Bradbury

Ray Bradbury, author of "The Martian Chronicles" and other science fiction classics, received a star Monday on the Hollywood Walk of Fame as the city kicked off a monthlong reading campaign.

Bradbury, 81, has been a Los Angeles resident since he was a teen-ager. He sold newspapers on local street corners while developing his writing career.

"I received so much inspiration from the city that it is a wonderful feeling to be a permanent part of my home town," Bradbury said at the ceremony, where he received the 2,193rd star on the Walk of Fame.

Ray Bradbury

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New Book 'American Son'

John F. Kennedy Jr

In the last days of his life, John F. Kennedy Jr. had a titanic argument with his wife that ended with his sleeping in a hotel, held talks about Rupert Murdoch buying his magazine "George" and promised a friend he would not fly his own plane without an instructor.

Richard Blow, former executive editor of Kennedy's political magazine "George" recounts these stories in an excerpt from his memoir about Kennedy, "American Son," published in the May issue of "Vanity Fair" magazine out next week.

Blow paints a picture of a charming, well-liked man with an occasionally explosive temper who viewed his own celebrity and frequent appearances in the gossip columns with "a sort of bemused fascination as if they were covering a stranger who happened to share his name."

Blow also said that while Kennedy often put himself out to get interviews and contributors to his magazine, he drew the line at a dinner with Oliver Stone, the filmmaker whose film "JFK" speculated that the murder of his father, President John F. Kennedy, was the result of a widespread conspiracy.

The young Kennedy got up and went to the bathroom without returning after Stone pressed him on whether assassin Lee Harvey Oswald had help from a second gunman. Later Kennedy said, "I just couldn't sit across a table from that man for two hours."

For more, John F. Kennedy Jr

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Video Re-Surfaces

R. Kelly

The only thing selling swifter than R. Kelly and Jay Z's collaborative effort, "Best of Both Worlds" — now Billboard's No. 2 album — is the kid-vid that features Kelly in several compromising positions with a minor. Copies of the scabrous tape launched a Chicago P.D. investigation last month.

Now, Kelly's dalliance with the milk-money set — also on DVD — has proved so popular on the streets of Harlem that bootleggers can't keep it in stock. The folks at Vibe provide readers with a play-by-play in their May issue.

In the video, Kelly repeatedly moans "damn baby" as he watches the naked minor dance suggestively. And, we promise you, it gets worse — much, much worse. Dare we say gross? Little wonder the Vibe cover features Mr. Kelly looking very solemn. Guess he knew the end was near.

R. Kelly

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Oakland, CA, Monday

Paul McCartney



Rock legend Paul McCartney performs the first show of the "Driving USA" tour Monday, April 1, 2002, in Oakland, Calif. This is the ex-Beatle's first concert in nine years.
Photo by Ben Margot

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Dumping Dick

Susan St. James

The people of leafy Litchfield, Conn., will be pleased to know that community activist Susan St. James is planning to stay on in the marital home after her divorce from NBC sports president Dick Ebersol is finalized. The former movie star filed the papers in Litchfield Supreme Court a couple of weeks ago, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for ending her 20-year marriage. Susan tells chums she's sad about the last few difficult years, but is going to keep herself busy with good works.

Susan St. James

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Joining 'Max Bickford'?

Peter O'Toole

Rumor has it that Peter O'Toole, one of the greatest and most colorful actors to ever come out of Ireland, is in town for talks today with the producers of CBS TV's acclaimed show, "The Education of Max Bickford." Peter is said to be keen to play a major role on the show, which would team him with fellow Oscar-winners Richard Dreyfuss and Eli Wallach. O'Toole, star of such memorable films as "The Lion in Winter" and "Lawrence of Arabia," hasn't done much television work but is said to be attracted by the quality of the "Bickford" scripts. He also wants to spend a lot more time here because his son, Lorkin, is studying acting at NYU.

Peter O'Toole

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Sauce For The Gander

'Men of Enron'

Playgirl magazine on Monday said it is seeking current or former male employees of ruined energy trader Enron Corp. to pose in the nude for an upcoming "Men of Enron" pictorial. The call for male models comes one week after Playboy magazine asked female workers to pose in the buff for a photo spread dubbed the "Women of Enron."

'Men of Enron'

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Now In The Encyclopedia

Madonna

Madonna has hit it big! She is included in the 350 new entries of the Encyclopedia Britannica along with other "newcomers" - George Bush, Sean Connery, Pete Sampras, Martin Amis, Peter Sellers, etc.

The Britannica lists Madonna as "the first woman to make a significant splash in rock history."

Madonna

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Court Date Set

Robert Iler

Actor Robert Iler, who plays the troubled son of a mob boss on the hit HBO television show "The Sopranos," will stand trial on robbery charges on May 6, a judge ordered on Monday.

Iler and two others have been charged with second-degree robbery in a case that saw two teen-age tourists robbed of $40 on Manhattan's Upper East Side on July 3. Iler was 16 at the time of crime, which carries a sentence of up to 15 years.

According to the criminal complaint filed in August at the time of Iler's arraignment, he and his friends threatened the robbery victims, saying, "Give us your money. Do you wanna die?"

Robert Iler

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''Scripted Scenario''

The Other WWF

The World Wrestling Federation is moving to distinguish its flagship series "Raw" on TNN and "Smackdown" on UPN from each other, assigning specific wrestlers exclusively to each show instead of shuttling them between the two.

Eager to pump more life into the Nielsen ratings of "Raw" and "Smackdown," the WWF has divvied up its roster of performers following a scripted scenario in which Vince McMahon, chairman of WWF Entertainment, got into a feud with his co-owner, the wrestler Ric Flair.

They resolved the staged breach by McMahon taking over the programming of UPN's two-hour "Smackdown" block on Thursdays and Flair controlling the two-hour "Raw" every Monday night on TNN.

The two held a mock draft of wrestlers last week on "Raw," with Flair getting the Undertaker, Kane, Booker T., Rob Van Dam, Lita and the Hardy Boyz for TNN. McMahon's UPN picks included the Rock, Hollywood Hulk Hogan, Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, Edge and Stacy Kiebler.

The Other WWF

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MSNBC On The Prowl

Phil Donahue

MSNBC is courting Phil Donahue to return to television as the host of a topical prime-time hour.

Although the network would not comment on its search for new programming, a source close to the negotiations who spoke on condition of anonymity Monday said Donahue wants to do it but a deal has not been reached.

MSNBC has been struggling in the ratings against its two cable news rivals, CNN and Fox News Channel. A prime-time talk show led by former presidential candidate Alan Keyes has so far failed to attract much of an audience.

The Donahue discussions were reported Monday in the New York Daily News, which also said "Politically Incorrect" host Bill Maher, comedian Dennis Miller and ABC newsman Sam Donaldson were being considered for MSNBC's prime time.

ABC "Nightline" host Ted Koppel and Sally Jessy Raphael, whose daytime talk show was recently shut down after two decades, were also being considered, said a source at the network who requested anonymity.

Phil Donahue

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Busy Woman

Christina Ricci

Christina Ricci will play the female lead in the Neil Jordan-directed historical drama about the Borgia family of the Italian Renaissance.

Ricci joins Ewan McGregor in the film, which Myriad Pictures and Imagemovers are slated to make this summer.

Ricci, who'll shoot "Borgia" after completing work in Woody Allen's upcoming ensemble comedy for DreamWorks, will play Lucretia, a member of the family whose patriarch, Roderigo, became Pope Alexander VI in 1492.

Ricci also starts a multiepisode stint Monday night on "Ally McBeal," and the actress just filmed a Gap ad directed by the Coen brothers.

Her next film release is the Zoetrope/United Artists film "Pumpkin," which she produced as well as starred in, followed by "Prozac Nation," which Miramax will release at the end of 2002.

Christina Ricci

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Snarky Dating Gossip

Brooks & Yearwood

The Tennessean reports that Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood are coming out as a couple. The pair was seen sitting together two weeks ago at songwriter Harlan Howard's memorial service at the Ryman Auditorium.

The paper reports Brooks had his arm around Yearwood, and observers said the two were seen holding hands several times that day, in the seats and backstage.

Brooks & Yearwood

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Everything Isn't Enough?

Melissa Rivers

Although her marriage is in trouble and she's coping with a toddler, Melissa Rivers is philosophical about her problems.

"I had the pretty wedding. I made the pretty house," Rivers says in the April 6 issue of TV Guide. "I had the pretty baby, I had the handsome husband. I had the career, he had the career, with me at the gate, waving.

"And the reality is: I'm flawed, he's flawed. I'm still in the honeymoon stages of trying to stay above the fray, and I'm going to be civil, but there have been days when I've just wanted to freak. I just try and curb it."

Melissa Rivers

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The Services - In 2 Parts

Milton Berle

Sid Caesar Lorna Berle & Richard Moll Jan Murray & Red Buttons Don Rickles & Norm Crosby Rose Marie Buddy Hackett

A who's who of comics joined about 300 people on Monday to pay last respects to television pioneer Milton Berle in a zany funeral service that mixed solemn eulogies with the kind of one-liners that made him famous.

Among attendees at the private service for Berle at Hillside Memorial Park and Mortuary in the Los Angeles suburb of Culver City were stars from Hollywood's golden age, including Red Buttons, Sid Caesar, Don Rickles and Jayne Meadows.

They remembered the man known as "Uncle Miltie" and "Mr. Television" in front of his coffin, which was draped in a raincoat and a hat because Berle hated cold and drafts.

Rickles set the tone for the eulogies, declaring, "I would like to be paid for this," Red Buttons followed, describing Rickles as "the greatest argument against human cloning."

Comedy writer Larry Gelbart apologized to Berle because the man who ushered in the golden age of television died in the same week as two other Hollywood luminaries, actor Dudley Moore and filmmaker Billy Wilder.

"I hear you Milton, sorry," Gelbart said. "I know you work alone."

Gelbart, referring to Berle's famous propensity for using the jokes of other comedians -- a habit that earned him the nickname "Thief of Bad Gags" -- described it another way.

"He had a propensity for giving other people's material a new home," Gelbart said.

Sid Caesar struck a serious note saying of Berle, "We all owe something to him."

Milton Berle - Part 1


Part 2

Family and friends said farewell to Milton Berle in a memorial service Monday that at times took on the tone of an impromptu celebrity roast.

Berle, who died Wednesday at 93, was known for abrasive comedy, but friends and family said he always treated them with warmth and grace. Nearly 300 people attended the funeral at Hillside Memorial Park and Mortuary, including friends Don Rickles, Red Buttons and Norm Crosby.

"Milton was bold and brash and benevolent and he had the (guts) to be funny," Buttons said.

Berle's son-in-law Richard Moll, co-star of the sitcom "Night Court," said the Berle was devoted to making his wife, children and grandchildren laugh.

"Being around Milton, I got to hear the best jokes in the world," Moll said. "And I want to thank Shecky Green and the late Henny Youngman for those."

Moll was one of several speakers who made light of Berle's reputation for stealing other comics' punchlines. Producer-writer Larry Gelbart characterized Berle's humor as "giving other people's material a new home."

"Jokes are a comic's oxygen, and Milton never stopped inhaling," Gelbart said.

Comedian Jan Murray told the crowd that he believed Berle's first act in heaven would be to organize a roast for Moses.

Berle's coffin was decorated with white roses and draped in his signature beige trenchcoat and black hat.

Among other entertainers paying tribute to the man affectionately called "Uncle Miltie" were Buddy Hackett, Larry Miller, Martin Landau and Fyvush Finkel.

"These people, these legends like Berle — once they're gone you can never replace them," said Finkel. "They don't make 'em like that any more."

Berle won the nickname "Mr. Television" for his work on the groundbreaking "Texaco Star Theater," which was later renamed "The Milton Berle Show."

The program, which debuted in 1948, drew such a wide audience that many movie theaters would close during its broadcast. Historians often credit his show with helping to popularize the new medium of television.

In his later years, Berle continued performing his signature standup routine, which involved puffing oversized cigars, making risque asides and lobbing softball insults at audience members. He was a favorite at night clubs, college campuses and the private Friars clubs in Beverly Hills and New York.

In 1983, he was among the first seven inductees into the TV Hall of Fame of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences.

Born Mendel Berlinger in New York's Harlem on July 12, 1908, he made some film appearances as a child and debuted in a Broadway show in 1920.

For years, he toured the vaudeville circuit and appeared in a number of minor film comedies until his big break came near the age of 40 with "Texaco Star Theater."

He later appeared in the films "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World" (1963), "The Loved One" (1965), "The Muppet Movie" (1979) and "Broadway Danny Rose" (1983.)

Milton Berle - Part 2

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In Memory

Diana Streisand Kind

Barbra Streisand's mother has died at age 93 after complication from a fall at her Los Angeles home, the entertainer's publicist said on Monday.

Publicist Dick Guttman said Diana Streisand Kind, who worked in the New York City school system and passed on a beautiful singing voice to both Barbra Streisand and her sister, Roslyn Kind, died on Wednesday.

Guttman said Streisand Kind, the daughter of a cantor or Jewish religious singer who was involved in many charitable causes, left behind son Sheldon Streisand and a brother, Irving Rosen, in addition to her daughters.

Diana Streisand Kind

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