Thank you Paul Krassner. Please confine your rioting to the nearby "free speech zones."
Joke of the Week
An arrogant silver-spoon asshole posing as a down-home bumpkin walks into a talent agent's office and says, "have I got the act for you." He starts the act by wrapping himself in the flag and carrying the cross, and then begins sodomizing the entire armed forces by sending them one by one into an illegal and immoral hellhole of plunder and torture, mumbling "bring it on, bring it on' with every thrust.
Then he brings in the families of the dead to act out over two thousand military funerals and turns his back on them, pantomiming the ripping up of veteran health benefits while embracing a bed-ridden Mary Matalin made up to look like Terry Schiavo. The Vice President then enters the office and pisses all over the grieving mothers as Donald Rumsfeld watches a writing machine sign the death certificates before wiping his ass with them and handing them to the weeping fathers.
In an interesting flourish to appeal to a multi-ethnic audience, the bumpkin hangs the families of over 200,000 Iraqis from the roof so they can watch through the office window, screaming in a horror we can't hear since the windows are closed.
The bumpkin pauses to catch his breath and gargle with a $700 bottle of champagne and the agent tries to kick him out, realizing full well no rational audience in the modern world would sit for such an abysmal vaudeville, let alone pay for it, but the bumpkin points his finger at the agent and tells him to shut up, "No one interrupts me until I want to be interrupted, and then it's not called interruption, it's called dialogue."
The act then escalates in ways that even the agent is horrified by, and this from a man who during his thin years booked strippers and barn sex acts at backwater Klan rallies.
The bumpkin brings almost a million people from the South into the tiny office, axes a sewage pipe in the ceiling, and rides on a stationary bike with Lance Armstrong as the drenched descendants of slaves are flushed out into the hallway and onto the street. He and Lance act out riding all the way to California, floating really, atop the flood of shit and piss as a group of retired actors enter to play senior citizens being force fed over-priced Lipitor while the bumpkin lectures them on the biggest threat to their survival - Social Security.
After sitting through close to eleven hours of an ever-escalating narrative that includes lecturing the heads of India and Pakistan (played by Ron Silver and Stephen Baldwin) on the differences between their cultures, the talent agent - terrified to ask a question and getting labeled either unpatriotic or un-Christian since the bumpkin is still wrapped in the flag and holding the cross - braves a meek interruption in the most subservient tone he can muster;
"How does it end?"
To which the bumpkin responds "um," and looks to the wings for a line cue. It is at this moment the agent realizes the bumpkin is in fact not a man at all but a huge puppet, when he sees crouching behind the bumpkin a porcine man whose fake smile barely hides the bitter contempt he has for the puppet, the agent, the potential audience and show business in general, and that this man has his arm up the puppet's ass.
The puppet turns back to the talent agent and furrows his brow just long enough for the agent to realize it's not resolve that's being expressed but a futile search for something that might sound at once homespun and clever, but, having run out of time on the long road to clever, the puppet simply settles for rude.
"It never ends," says the puppet.
Flabbergasted, the agent blurts, "what do you call this act?" knowing the ticket price to such an extravagant epic would surely be out of each for the average theatergoer and would therefore require a pithy title to catch the eye of the uber-rich. The bumpkin pauses for affect and, not knowing what an affect is so much as being dimly aware that smiling sometimes can create one, smiles and replies, "it's called 'Compassionate Conservatism.'"
Two weeks ago, in the "Stick It" episode of ABC's Boston Legal, actor James Spader, as attorney Alan Shore, delivered a speech one might pray someone would have the balls to deliver to Congress, a speech the likes of which I've never heard on television, and it's fucking pathetic that it has to come out of the mouth of a fictional character to get aired on a network. How the hell did this get past network censors?
A woman has been accused of not paying her income tax. Her attorney doesn't know how to defend her since she admits she's guilty, but he finally rises to the occasion, delivering the following summation to the jury...
Shore: When the weapons of mass destruction thing turned out not to be true, I expected the American people to rise up. They didn't. Then when the Abu Ghraib torture thing surfaced and it was revealed that our government participated in rendition, a practice where we kidnap people and turn them over to regimes who specialize in torture, I was sure then the American people would be heard from. We stood mute. Then came the news that we jailed thousands of so-called terrorist suspects, locked them up without the right to a trial or even the right to confront their accusers, certainly we would never stand for that. We did. and now it's been discovered the executive branch has been conducting massive illegal domestic surveillance on its own citizens, you and me, and I at least consoled myself that finally, finally, the American people will have had enough. Evidently we haven't. In fact, if the people of this country have spoken, the message is we're okay with it all, torture, warrentless search and seizures, illegal wire tappings, prison without a fair trial or any trial, war on false pretenses, we as a citizenry are apparently not offended. There are no demonstrations on college campuses. In fact, there is no clear indication that young people even seem to notice.
Well, Melissa Hughes noticed. Now, you might think that instead of withholding her taxes, she could have protested the old fashioned way, made a placard and demonstrated at a presidential or vice-presidential appearance, but we've lost the right to that as well. The secret service can now declare free speech zones to contain, control, and in effect criminalize protests. Stop for a second and try to fathom that. At a presidential rally, parade or appearance, if you have on a supportive t-shirt, you can be there, if you're wearing or carrying something in protest, you can be removed. This, in the United States of America. This in the United States of America! Is Melissa Hughes the only one embarrassed.(Shaw walks over to the witness chair and sits down)
Judge: Mr. Shore, that's a chair for witnesses only.
Shore: Really long speeches make me so tired sometimes.
Judge: Please get out of the chair.
Shore: Actually, I'm sick and tired.
Judge: Get out of the chair.
Shore: (getting out of chair) and what I'm most sick and tired of is how every time somebody disagrees with how the government is running things, he or she is labeled un-American.
Prosecutor: Evidently it's speech time.
Shore: And speech in this country is free, you hack. Free for me, free for you, free for Melissa Hughes to stand up to her government and say stick it.
Prosecutor: Objection!
Shore: I object to government abusing its power to squash the constitutional freedoms of its citizenry, and God forbid anybody challenge it, they're smeared as being a heretic. Melissa Hughes is an American, Melissa Hughes is an American. Melissa Hughes is an American!!
Judge: Mr. Shore, unless you have anything new and fresh to say please sit down. You've breached the decorum of my court room with all this hooting.
Shore: Last night I went to bed with a book, not as much fun as a 29 year old, but the book contained a speech by Adlai Stevenson. The year was 1952. He said, "The tragedy of our day is the climate of fear in which we live, and fear breeds repression. Too often, sinister threats to the Bill of Rights, to freedom of the mind are concealed under the patriotic cloak of anti-communism." Today, it's the cloak of anti-terrorism. Stevenson also remarked, "It's far easier to fight for principles then to live up to them." I know we are all afraid. but the Bill of Rights? We have to live up to that. We simply must. That's all Melissa Hughes is trying to say. She was speaking for you. I would ask you now to go back to that room and speak for her.
Just to let you know, the US Marines have blocked access to "Wonkette" along with numerous other sites such as personal email (i.e. Yahoo, AT&T, Hotmail, etc), blogs that don't agree with the government point of view, personal websites, and some news organizations. This has taken effect as of the beginning of February. I have no problem with them blocking porn sites (after all it is a government network), but cutting off access to our email and possibly-not-toeing-the-government-line websites is a bit much.
Initially all web blocking was done locally at the hub sites in Iraq. If you wanted a site "unblocked" you just had to email the local administrator with a reason (like, "I'd like to read my email, please."), and if it wasn't porn or offensive, they'd allow it. Now, all blocking is done by desk-weenies at the USMC Network Operations Center in Quantico, VA, who really don't care if we get our email (or gossip) out here, as they get to go to happy hour after working 9 to 5 and go home to a nice clean, warm home with a real bed! (Sorry, I'm a little peeved.)
Unfortunately anonymizers don't work out here (never have). Anyway, I had a few minutes today and thought I'd look and see what else was banned on the Marine web here. I think the results speak for themselves:
Wonkette - "Forbidden, this page (http://www.wonkette.com/) is categorized as: Forum/Bulletin Boards, Politics/Opinion."
Bill O'Reilly (www.billoreilly.com) - OK
Air America (www.airamericaradio.com) - "Forbidden, this page (http://www.airamericaradio.com/) is categorized as: Internet Radio/TV, Politics/Opinion."
Rush Limbaugh (www.rushlimbaugh.com) - OK
ABC News "The Note" - OK
Website of the Al Franken Show (www.alfrankenshow.com) - "Forbidden, this page (http://www.airamericaradio.com/) is categorized as: Internet Radio/TV, Politics/Opinion."
G. Gordon Liddy Show (www.liddyshow.us) - OK
Don & Mike Show (www.donandmikewebsite.com) - "Forbidden, this page (http://www.donandmikewebsite.com/) is categorized as: Profanity, Entertainment/Recreation/Hobbies."
I spent four years in the Marines. The idea that this administration would have the chutzpah and gall to ask Marines to "fight for freedoms" while restricting allowable political "news" to that of propagandistic sycophants - I just don't have the words. I am sputtering mad.
And then Bush goes before a hand-picked audience and lies about it in the most cynical way. I've never witnessed a more disgusting and cynical example of condescending contempt for the American people. He spit in my eye.
Calling All Writers
The Wergle Flomp Poetry Contest is inspired by Wergle's creator, poet David Taub. Mr. Taub submitted "Flubblebop" to poetry.com's ongoing contest to see what would happen.
The response from poetry.com? "Dear Wergle, After carefully reading and discussing your poem, our Selection Committee has certified your poem as a semi-finalist in our North American Open Poetry Contest... In celebration of the unique talent that you have displayed, we also wish to publish your poem in what promises to be one of the most highly sought after collections of poetry we have ever published... Promises of Love."
The Wergel Flomp Poetry Contest seeks "the best humor poem that has been sent to a 'vanity poetry contest' as a joke. Cash prizes totaling $1,609 will be awarded. This contest is free to enter."
Unsolicited Plug of the Week
Emulsional Problems - Wacked out Polaroids of the Stars: This. Man. Is. Brilliant. B.R.I.L.L.I.A.N.T. A purveyor of vastly intelligent, hilarious and balls-honest anecdotes. Samuel Clemens smiles down from heaven on this man. Oh! And did I mention the amazing things he does with Polaroid photographs? Not digital manipulation, not collage, with the actual Polaroid itself, manipulating the emulsion as it develops. My mind is blown... and I am reminded, humbly, that I should never attempt to write a review on a Saturday morning before breakfast. ~W (http://wysdom.stumbleupon.com/)
Stupid Question of the Week
Those are Dick Cheney's actual hotel requirements.
Here are Osama bin Laden's...
One 30-pack of Milwaukee's Best beer and a jug of Mountain Dew Code Red
A 64-inch, high-definition, flat-panel plasma television tuned to Al-Jazeera
Two packs of Camel non-filtered cigarettes
A half-pound of fois gras pate and a box of Ritz crackers
Two unopened bags of Sta-Puff marshmallows
Five tins of Dinty Moore beef stew
A half-dozen nubile virgins
A bag of opium
An organic buckwheat pillow
Three unopened canisters of VX nerve gas
A suitcase containing $50,000 in unmarked U.S. $100 bills
A Baxter 1550 kidney dialysis machine and six chilled pints of type O blood
A Gideon Koran in the top drawer of his nightstand
Nobody thanked Jesus for winning their Oscar. How will he wreak his revenge?
Reese Witherspoon will be trapped playing simple country women, culminating in her role as Aunt Bea in the film "Back to Mayberry, Y'All," also starring Vince Vaughn as Andy Taylor, Macaulay Culkin as a grown-up but dimwitted Opie, and Pauly Shore as Barney Fife; Philip Seymour Hoffman will be sentenced to the lead role in the "Mr. Blackwell Story"; George Clooney will be forced to star in "ER -- The Movie" and every one of its ten dismal sequels; Rachel Weisz will have to endure still never being recognized in trendy restaurants; Ang Lee, suddenly becoming a born-again Christian, will direct the heartwarming chopsocky sequel, "A Walton Family Christmas on Brokeback Mountain" starring Jackie Chan as John Boy and Martin Lawrence as Earl Hamner, Jr; the producers of "Crash," after an all-night crack party, will sink every penny they have in a biopic, "George W. Bush: A True American Idol," released just as impeachment proceedings are convened by Congress in 2007.
- RSJ
By turning the other cheek, of course -- and since revenge is a dish best served on a chilled plate with a nice French table wine, he'll probably talk the Big Guy into rescheduling the rapture during next year's Oscar ceremony, just to f**k up the television ratings.
Personally, I suspect he's stopped paying attention to humankind entirely as a symbolic boycott against Mel Gibson's production company. He might be a hostage, stashed in a vast, dark Huntsville, Alabama warehouse by Pat Robertson, along with the Ark of the Covenant and the Templar horde.
Or perhaps we're all just a little too fixated on external metaphors.
- Cheers, Douglas A. Mitchell
It will begin with the slow but steady back-up of raw sewage beginning in the underground pipes and rising to the street level within a week with an unending flow of putrid stenched effluent for the affluent heathens that neither acknowledged nor bequeathed their talents to one and only Power of the Lord's son, whom shall reek havoc with the bowels of those winners who will have nowhere to relieve themselves, as all the land shall be filled with excrement in every hole and valley surrounding the Kodak Pavilion for a radius of 150 miles. They will choke on their own regurgitated lobster bisque and specialty pizza's from Spago's private party. They will remember their special place as torchbearers for the oppressed, advocates for the needful, benefactors of the downtrodden second-rate nominees whose tuxedos remain unstained by the wrath of Yahweh. Yea, shall the earth be moved and those who shall follow George Clooney shall find their path with the temptations of the diarrhea'd Devil and the trail of odiferous chachkies shall follow them all the days of their lives.
- watermn
Being omnipotent, Jesus anticipated this, and as you can plainly see, He has already exacted his revenge. Jesus.
From his misbegotten son, chris from boca
PS The Virgin Mary is the one you should be concerned with. She will kick your ass for even asking this stupid ass question.
He will inspire Mel Gibson to produce an imminently Oscar-worthy, but nevertheless highly controversial film, which will win the 2007 Academy Awards for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Cinematography, and Best Screenplay. He himself will be nominated for Best Supporting Actor, but lose to Michael Caine for some syrupy chick flick in which he plays an alcoholic in Victorian London.
- way2muchsense
Mike mate
He'll piss on Pat Robertson
- Waldo
Can you say sequels? Sure you can.
- mj hovanec
By making sure more movies like Brokeback Mountain, The Corpse Bride and House of Wax are made. Then he will melt all the glaciers with his angry wrath while simultaneously taking away all poptarts.
- Kristy
Actually, someone from the rap group "Three 6 Mafia" did thank Jesus for the Oscar they received for Original Song from "Hustle and Flow". So I guess he will not be pissed off and we are safe for awhile longer.
- judinebr
Uncredited Email of the Week
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of March 12, 2006. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway or sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of January 12, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the America Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that "While Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem, because Bush was not familiar with the issues either."
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the down home persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Personspower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Personspower, "Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience." A Greeter position at Box-Mart was suggested due to Bush's phony smile and extensive experience shaking hands. Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited.
"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
Satan Doesn't Want You to Know
The Alaska Pipeline is built largely on permafrost. If there's substantial global warming, its supports could sink and it will rupture.
Don't Take My Word for It
"Good news today out of Washington - they haven't paid down the debt or come up with any program to do so. What they did is raise the limit of debt we can go to, to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the kids: 'Hey are you getting an F? Don't study harder. Just make the grading curve go out to K! Then your F looks like a C!'"
- Jon Stewart -
"The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you're not allowed to bring a weapon into a government building."
- John Alejandro King -
"Merely labeling some situation a 'war' cannot call the President's rightful powers as 'Commander in Chief' into operation, let alone boundlessly expand those powers. The so-called 'war on terror' is not the unique example of such martial political hyperbole bombarding this country today. Simultaneously, Americans are exhorted to acquiesce in enlarged governmental powers to fight 'the war on crime,' 'the war on drugs,' 'the war on poverty,' and even 'the war on obesity.' Does anyone believe, though, that under color of (say) waging a 'war on obesity' the President could declare McDonald's employees 'enemy combatants' and its fatty foods 'weapons of mass destruction,' could deploy the Armed Forces to occupy its restaurants, or could even tap its phones without submitting to judicial review?
"Constitutionally speaking, 'war' is a very specific set of legal relations between two or more independent nations. For the most obvious example, in an actual 'war' soldiers of one nation may, within certain limits, intentionally kill soldiers of another nation without thereby being guilty of murder. Thus, according to strict constitutional logic, a 'war on terror' is an existential impossibility -- if only because 'terror' is a tactic, not a country; and 'terrorists' do not constitute one or more independent nations, but at most are mere bands of private criminals. True, a clandestine or irregular armed force of some nation could employ the tactics of "terrorists" on behalf of that nation. Then, however, any 'war' would be waged against that nation as a whole, not against just the 'terrorists' as individuals. Thus, not surprisingly, Congress has never exercised its constitutional power '[t]o declare War' to declare a 'war on terror.' See Article I, Section 8, Clause 11.
"Perhaps even more importantly, Congress has not declared 'war' on Iraq, either, even though such a declaration would be formally possible, and notwithstanding that the President has launched an invasion of that independent nation, overthrown its once-legitimate (if obnoxious) government, occupied its territory, and imposed a new regime on its people. This absence of Congressional action is consequential, because only Congress has the power '[t]o declare War.' And the Constitution plainly understands that, absent such a declaration from the only source authorized to pronounce it, a 'War' cannot be conducted legally by the United States.
"That the Constitution entrusts the power '[t]o declare War' to Congress alone is no historical accident, but rather is of profound legal significance. Under pre-constitutional English law, the King (the English Executive) had essentially unilateral, personal power to thrust a war upon his countrymen. If the Constitution had said nothing explicit about the power '[t]o declare War,' that power would have passed by implication to the President under 'the executive Power.' Article II, Section 1, Clause 2. By placing the power '[t]o declare War' among '[a]ll legislative Powers herein granted' (Article I, Section 1), the Constitution transformed that power from an Executive to a Legislative power. Nothing could more clearly indicate that the Constitution denies the President any pretense of power himself either '[t]o declare War' or to involve this country in actions usually appropriate only after such a declaration has been made. (For example, ordering American soldiers intentionally to kill the soldiers of some other nation, under color of the claim that such killings are not simply criminal homicides but are justified by the laws of war.)
"Revealingly, the absence of a declaration of 'War' by Congress against any nation allegedly deploying 'terrorists' evidences the disbelief of Congressmen that a case can be made that any nation has actually (if perhaps surreptitiously) attacked the United States in that manner. And that some sort of aggressive attack is necessary for 'War' the Constitution makes plain."
"The smallest pay raise for troops in more than a decade and billions of dollars for expensive weapons programs highlight the proposed 2007 defense budget unveiled Monday by the Bush administration."
"A country is not only what it does, it is also what it puts up with, what it tolerates."
- Kurt Tucholsky -
"It is time to fight again. These people in Washington have no right to be doing what they are doing. It's not their government, it's your government. They work for you. They're public employees - and if they let us down and sell us out, they should be fired. That goes for the lowliest bureaucrat in town to the senior leaders of Congress on up to the President of the United States."
"You can have wealth concentrated in the hands of a few, or democracy, but you cannot have both."
- Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandeis -
"We are the only people in the world required by law to take large amounts of money from strangers and then act as if it has no effect on our behavior."
- Congressman Barney Frank -
"The old concept was that if there was a dollar's worth of labor in a pair of shoes made in the USA, and somebody wanted to import shoes from China where there may only be ten cents worth of labor in those shoes, we'd level the playing field for labor by putting a 90-cent import tariff on each pair of shoes. Companies could choose to make their products here or overseas, but the ultimate cost of labor would be the same.
"Then came the flat-worlders, led by misguided true believers and promoted by multinational corporations. Do away with those tariffs, they said, because they "restrain trade." Let everything in, and tax nothing. The result has been an explosion of cheap goods coming into our nation, and the loss of millions of good manufacturing jobs and thousands of manufacturing companies. Entire industry sectors have been wiped out.
"These policies have kneecapped the American middle class. Our nation's largest employer has gone from being the unionized General Motors to the poverty-wages Wal-Mart. Americans have gone from having a net savings rate around 10 percent in the 1970s to a minus .5 percent in 2005 - meaning that they're going into debt or selling off their assets just to maintain their lifestyle.
"At the same time, federal policy has been to do the same thing at a national level. Because our so-called 'free trade' policies have left us with an over $700 billion annual trade deficit, other countries are sitting on huge piles of the dollars we gave them to buy their stuff (via Wal-Mart and other 'low cost' retailers). But we no longer manufacture anything they want to buy with those dollars.
"So instead of buying our manufactured goods, they are doing what we used to do with Third World nations - they are buying us, the USA, chunk by chunk. In particular, they want to buy things in America that will continue to produce profits, and then to take those profits overseas where they're invested to make other nations strong. The 'things' they're buying are, by and large, corporations, utilities, and natural resources."
"Many electric utility companies across the nation are collecting billions of dollars from their customers for corporate income taxes, then keeping the money rather than sending it to the government. The practice is legal in most states. The companies say it is smart business."
"The $35 an hour skilled auto worker lost his job to a Mexican who made one tenth the amount. After losing his job, the auto worker might have begun bagging groceries in Safeway for $12 an hour; so did his wife, who used to stay home with the kids. Compare their combined $24 an hour with his previous $35. But thanks to NAFTA, the family had two jobs instead of one. And, a third job arose from this new economic agreement: the couple hired a baby sitter for $7 an hour.
"It is also in the interests of a tyrant to keep his people poor, so that they may not be able to afford the cost of protecting themselves by arms and be so occupied with their daily tasks that they have no time for rebellion."
- Aristotle -
"The fact that corporate interests dominate government agencies that regulate them is not new. This has been going on for decades. Furthermore, multinational corporations and their cartels have always been the largest source of funding for the environmental movement. Without corporate funding and grants from tax-exempt foundations that the corporations control, the environmental movement as we know it wouldn't even exist. Their game plan is brilliant: Use environmentalism as an excuse for expanding government power in all aspects of life; strengthen their already substantial control over every level of government; make sure that they themselves are exempt from any unmanageable restrictions on their ability to operate at a profit; use those same restrictions to destroy competition from any business venture outside the cartel; and create a world-wide corporate state, based on the model of collectivism, which they fondly describe as The New World Order. Once you understand this game plan, the thrust for global power under the banner of environmentalism becomes painfully clear.
"It's essentially the same tactic used on all fronts. Whether it is the war on pollution, terrorism, crime, drugs, pornography, or any other evil, those leading the war and banging the drums don't give a hoot about any of them. Their primary concern is to whip up public support for the expansion of their power and funding under the pretense of combating evil. Unfortunately, with the corporate mass media solidly in their camp, it is difficult for the average person to see through this ploy and escape the trap."
"No one expects a Mrs. Fields cookie to be good for you, but who would guess that a single Mrs. Fields Milk Chocolate & Walnuts cookie has more than 300 calories and as much saturated fat as a 12-ounce sirloin steak? It's also got six teaspoons of sugar. If you can't resist Mrs. Fields, share the smallest bag of Nibblers (six half-ounce cookies) with a friend. Or walk a few feet and look for a piece of fruit at another store instead."
"Upset over President Bush's secret and possibly illegal domestic wiretapping program, Senator Russ Feingold of Wisconsin introduced a resolution on Monday censuring the President. Finally! Now is the time for the Democrats to stand up to the administration's blatant violation of the law with a largely symbolic bit of political theater!
"Censuring, of course, is Congress-speak for a statement of official disapproval. A motion to censure is considered far less severe than impeachment, which has happened to two presidents, but more formal than spanking, as Herbert Hoover learned the hard way.
"Though unlikely to pass, Feingold feels the motion is an important step towards accountability, saying, "We all believe that there should be wiretapping in appropriate cases but the idea that the president can just make up a law in violation of his oath of office has to be answered."
"Unfortunately for Feingold, the President then immediately signed into law the 'President Can Just Make Up A Law In Violation Of His Oath Of Office' Act of 2006."
"A person getting enlightened is like the moon reflecting in the water. The moon does not get wet, the water is not disturbed. Though it is a great expanse of light, it reflects in a little bit of water; the whole moon and the whole sky reflect even in the dew on the grass; they reflect even in a single drop of water. Enlightenment not disturbing the person is like the moon not piercing the water. A person not obstructing enlightenment is like the dewdrop not obstructing the heavens."
- Dogen: Flowers Fall -
"Blame someone else and get on with your life." - Alan Woods -
"A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment." - Willis Player -
"To write what is worth publishing, to find honest people to publish it, and get sensible people to read it, are the three great difficulties in being an author."
- Charles Caleb Colton -
"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." - Peter Ustinov -
"It is up to us to reveal the truth. It is up to us because we owe it to the families, we owe it to the victims. We owe it to everybody's life who was drastically altered, horrifically that day and forever. We owe it to them to uncover what happened."
dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form, preferably parchment. It consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's either satire or fair use.
Marion Meade: Estate of Mind (bookforum.com)
When Dorothy Parker left her entire estate to Rev. Martin Luther King, he was puzzled. Who was she? And the woman put in charge of the estate, Lillian Hellman, was fuming...
CBS begins the night with a RERUN'NCIS', followed by a FRESH'The Unit', then a FRESH'Amazing Race 9'.
Scheduled on a FRESHDave are Ray Romano and Willie Nelson.
Scheduled on a FRESHCraig are Jane Kaczmarek, college basketball analyst Rick Majerus, and Tom Fontana.
NBC starts the night with a FRESH'Most Outrageous Moments', followed by a RERUN'Scrubs', then a FRESH'Scrubs', followed by the SERIES PREMIERE'Teachers', then a FRESH'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit'.
Scheduled on a FRESHLeno are Billy Crystal, Dame Edna, and Augustana.
Scheduled on a FRESHConan are Queen Latifah, Tim Gunn, and Richard Ashcroft.
Scheduled on a FRESHCarson Daly are Big Boi and Morningwood.
ABC opens the night with a RERUN'Jim', followed by a FRESH'Hope & Faith', then a FRESH'Sons & Daughters', followed by another FRESH'Sons & Daughters', then a FRESH'Boston Legal'.
On a RERUNJimmy Kimmel (from 2/21/06) are Kathie Lee Gifford, Yehya Mohammed, and Augustana.
The WB offers a RERUN'Gilmore Girls', followed by another RERUN'Gilmore Girls'.
Faux has a FRESH'American Idol', followed by a FRESH'House'.
UPN has a RERUN'America's Next Top Model', followed by a RERUN'Veronica Mars'.
A&E has 'Cold Case Files', 'Rampage Killers: Signs', 'Dog The Bounty Hunter', another 'Dog The Bounty Hunter', and an hourlong 'Dog The Bounty Hunter'.
AMC offers the movie 'The Silence Of The Lambs', followed by the movie 'The Man In The Iron Mask' (Leonardo DiCaprio version), then the movie 'Insomnia'.
BBC -
[2pm] 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' - Royle Episode 13;
[2:40pm] 'Are You Being Served' - Cold Comfort;
[3:20pm] 'Keeping Up Appearances' - Episode 1;
[4pm] 'At Home with the Braithwaites' - Episode 6;
[5pm] 'Monarch of the Glen' - Episode 2;
[6pm] 'BBC World News';
[6:30pm] 'House Invaders' - Royton, Oldham;
[7pm] 'The Benny Hill Show' - Episode 39;
[8pm] 'Cash in the Attic' - Episode 9;
[9pm] 'Bad Girls' - Episode 9;
[10pm] 'Footballers Wives' - Episode 6;
[11pm] 'High Spirits With Shirley Ghostman' - Episode 2;
[11:40pm] 'Little Britain' - Episode 2;
[12:20am] 'Creature Comforts' - Episode 2;
[1am] 'Bad Girls' - Episode 9;
[2am] 'Footballers Wives' - Episode 6;
[3am] 'Trust' - Episode 1;
[4am] 'Trust' - Episode 2;
[5am] 'Trust' - Episode 3;
[6am] 'BBC World News'. (ALL TIMES EST)
Bravo has 'West Wing', 'Blow Out', followed by a FRESH'Blow Out', and a FRESH'Real Housewives'.
Comedy Central has 'Comedy Central Presents', 'Reno 911!', last night's 'Jon Stewart', last night's 'Colbert Report', 'Chappelle's Show', 'South Park', 'Distraction', and 'Drawn Together'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJon Stewart is Fareed Zakaria.
Scheduled on a FRESHColbert Report is Michael Brown.
History has 'Modern Marvels', 'Cannibalism Secrets', 'Shootout', and 'Modern Marvels'.
IFC -
[6AM] IFC Short Film Collection I: March (2006);
[8AM] Pauline et Paulette (2001);
[9:30AM] IFC in Theaters (2006);
[9:45AM] Ulee's Gold (1997);
[11:45AM] Caro Diario (1994);
[1:30PM] Pauline et Paulette (2001);
[3:15PM] Mediterraneo (1991);
[4:45PM] Short: Little Valerie;
[5PM] At the IFC Center #11 (2006);
[5:30PM] The Run of the Country (1995);
[7:30PM] Proof (1992);
[9:05PM] Once Were Warriors (1994);
[11PM] Target (1985);
[1:05AM] Once Were Warriors (1994);
[3AM] Target (1985);
[5AM] BaadAsssss Cinema (2004). (ALL TIMES EST)
SciFi has 'Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King' (part 1), followed by the FRESH'Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King' (part 2).
Sundance -
[6:15AM] In Short: In Short: Festival 3;
[6:45AM] The Glass Menagerie;
[9AM] The Moscow Skyscraper;
[10:30AM] The Gong Show Movie;
[12PM] In Search of Gregory;
[1:30PM] In Short: In Short: Festival 3;
[2PM] The Glass Menagerie;
[4:15PM] Coldblooded;
[6PM] Slings and Arrows: Episode 6: Birnam Wood;
[7PM] Iconoclasts: Jackson on Russell;
[7:45PM] Iconoclasts: Ford on Koons;
[8:30PM] Iconoclasts: Grazer on Redstone;
[9:15PM] Iconoclasts: Zellweger on Amanpour;
[10PM] Iconoclasts: Batali on Stipe;
[10:50PM] Iconoclasts: Redford on Newman;
[11:35PM] Clara et Moi;
[1AM] Debbie Does Dallas: Uncovered;
[2AM] Monkey Dust: Episode 3;
[2:30AM] Darkman II: The Return of Durant;
[4:05AM] S21: The Khmer Rouge Death Machine. (ALL TIMES EST)
Comedienne/actress Sandra Bernhard arrives at the 17th annual GLAAD media award ceremony, Monday, March 27, 2006, in New York. The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) awards recognize and honor mainstream media for their fair and accurate representations of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities and the issues that affect their lives.
Photo by Diane Bondareff
An anonymous Iraqi woman was nominated as a contender for a major literary award for her Internet blog-based account of the Iraq war and its deadly impact on ordinary Iraqi people.
"Baghdad Burning" by the university graduate, who uses the pen name Riverbend, is longlisted for the 30,000-pound (52,000-dollar, 44,000-euro) Samuel Johnson prize -- the world's richest for a piece of non-fiction.
Using the Internet as her outlet, the Iraqi author, who is in her late twenties, chronicles her anger and fear during "three years of occupation and bloodshed" in Baghdad.
Riverbend began the blog on August 17, 2003. She wrote: "I'm female, Iraqi and 24. I survived the war. That's all you need to know. It's all that matters these days anyway."
Scarlett Johansson tops a lovely list of the "100 Sexiest Women in the World," in a poll of readers by FHM magazine.
Angelina Jolie is No. 2 on the list, followed by Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Keira Knightley, Halle Berry, Jenny McCarthy, Maria Sharapova, Carmen Electra and Teri Hatcher.
Johansson ranked ninth on last year's list. Jolie was No. 1.
Magicians Siegfried Fischbacher (L) and Roy Horn speak at a tribute to the late German artist Jurgen Aldag during an arts festival at the Hofbrauhaus in Las Vegas, Nevada March 26, 2006. The magicians were friends with the artist who died in January.
Photo by Steve Marcus
Celeb pals Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck and Laurence Fishburne have donated sleek, custom-made motorcycles to an online charity auction to benefit a planned memorial in Washington for the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.
The four bikes - two from Affleck and one each from Pitt and Fishburne - are up for bid on the Charity Folks Web site through Friday, Freeman said.
Hollywood activist Sean Penn has a plastic doll of conservative US columnist Ann Coulter that he likes to abuse when angry. The Oscar-winner actor has hated Coulter ever since she blacklisted his director father Leo Penn in her book Treason. And he takes out his frustrations with Coulter, on the Barble-like doll.
In an interview with The New Yorker magazine, Penn reveals, "We violate her. There are cigarette burns in some funny places. She's a pure snake-oil salesman. She doesn't believe a word she says."
Graceland, the home of the King of Rock 'n' Roll joined the homes of presidents past and present in becoming a National Historic Landmark Monday.
Lisa Marie Presley, the daughter of Elvis and Priscilla and the sole owner of Graceland, said that fans all over the world have the opportunity through Graceland to share in her family's memories. More than 600,000 tourists visit the home each year, one of the five most visited home museums in the U.S.
Noted architect and designer Frank Gehry (L) along with his wife Berta (C) and son Alejandro arrive at the party celebrating the launch of Frank Gehry's collection of jewellery and table top items for Tiffany & Co. in Beverly Hills, California March 26, 2006.
Photo by Fred Prouser
Morrissey has joined with protesters of the seal hunt, saying he won't tour Canada until the "barbaric slaughter" ends.
"I fully realize that the absence of any Morrissey concerts in Canada is unlikely to bring the Canadian economy to its knees, but it is our small protest against this horrific slaughter," the former Smiths front man wrote in a statement posted on his website.
Morrissey is the latest celebrity to voice his dissent. Paul McCartney and his wife Heather Mills ignited a firestorm when they visited Atlantic Canada in early March urging officials to step in to stop the annual seal hunt.
The F-word is the word on everyone's lips in a documentary that features musings on the subject by an all-star lineup including crooner Pat Boone and newsman Sam Donaldson, rapper Ice-T and porn star Ron Jeremy.
Independent distributor ThinkFilm has nabbed worldwide rights to director Steve Anderson's film, whose unprintable one-word title beginning with "F" presents some obvious marketing challenges,
The lineup also includes Drew Carey, Janeane Garofalo, Bill Maher, Alanis Morrisette, Kevin Smith and the late Hunter S. Thompson, all offering their opinions on the history and impact of dropping the F-bomb.
So rapid is the rise of the US national debt, that the last four digits of a giant digital signboard counting the moving total near New York's Times Square move in seemingly random increments as they struggle to keep pace.
The national debt clock, as it is known, is a big clock. A spot-check last week showed a readout of 8.3 trillion -- or more precisely 8,310,200,545,702 -- dollars ... and counting.
But it's not big enough.
Sometime in the next two years, the total amount of US government borrowing is going to break through the 10-trillion-dollar mark and, lacking space for the extra digit such a figure would require, the clock is in danger of running itself into obsolescence.
Rock & Roll Hall of Famer Debbie Harry smiles for photographers as she arrivals at the world premiere of the thriller film Basic Instinct 2, in New York, Monday, March 27, 2006. Basic Instinct 2 will be released nationally on March 31.
Photo by Stuart Ramson
The singer who dressed as a policeman in the flamboyant late 1970s disco band "Village People" has been arrested after disappearing while drug and gun charges against him were pending, officials said on Monday.
Victor Willis, who co-wrote some of the band's hits such as "In the Navy" and "YMCA" has had a number of run-ins with the law since he left the group in 1980 and now faces as much as five years in prison, said Morley Pitt, assistant district attorney in San Mateo County south of San Francisco.
Willis was arrested last year on charges of possessing a gun and cocaine, but he disappeared after agreeing to a plea deal that set a maximum sentence of 16 months behind bars, Pitt said.
Because he went missing, the San Francisco-area resident now faces as much as four years, four months in prison on those charges, as well as an additional eight months on possible new narcotics charges, Pitt said.
Designers Marc Badgley, left, and James Mischka, right, pose for photographers during arrivals at the world premiere of the thriller film 'Basic Instinct 2,' New York, Monday, March 27, 2006. 'Basic Instinct 2' will be released nationally on March 31.
Photo by Stuart Ramson
A manuscript charting the birth of modern science, lost for more than 200 years, goes on sale on Tuesday with a price tag in excess of one million pounds.
Hailed as "science's missing link," the journal of Robert Hooke contains details of experiments he conducted as curator at the Royal Society from 1662 and his correspondence as its secretary from 1677.
The notes include a celebrated row between Hooke and Isaac Newton over planetary motion and gravity, and the lost record confirming the first observation of microbes by Antoni van Leeuwenhoek.
Les habitants du village chypriote de Psevdhas ont eu la surprise de constater que leurs citronniers donnaient cette année des fruits presque aussi gros que des ballons de football. /Photo prise le 25 mars 2006
Photo by Andreas Manolis
A half-ton pick-up truck used in the award-winning gay Western "Brokeback Mountain" is up for sale, and the seller, a Canadian high school student, hopes the proceeds will help pay his way through college.
Matthew Kennedy said he bought the black, 1950 GMC truck last year at an auction of vehicles used in the movie because he liked its looks, and only decided to sell when he realized the amount of attention the film was garnering.
Kennedy's eBay description of the vehicle says it was driven by Jack Twist, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, when he meets Ennis Del Mar, played by Heath Ledger, at the start of the film.
Polish author Stanislaw Lem, one of the world's leading science-fiction writers, died on Monday in his home city of Krakow at the age of 84 after a battle with heart disease.
Lem, whose books have sold more than 27 million copies and have been translated into more than 40 languages, won widespread acclaim for The Cyberiad, stories from a mechanical world ruled by robots, first published in English in 1974.
Solaris, published in 1961 and set on an isolated space stations, was made into a film epic 10 years later by Russian director Andrei Tarkovsky and into a 2002 Hollywood remake shot by Steven Sodebergh and starring George Clooney.
Lem, born on September 12, 1921 in what is now the Ukrainian city of Lviv, studied medicine before World War Two. After the war, communist censorship blocked the publication of his earliest writing.
Norma Mae Klein, Curtis' wife of 54 years, died March 7 of heart failure, Jim Pierson, a spokesman for Curtis' family and for Dan Curtis Productions said.
Curtis, born Daniel Mayer Cherkoss in Bridgeport, Conn., graduated from Syracuse University in 1950 and became a salesman for NBC and then MCA, where he sold syndicated programs.
A prolific TV movie producer, Curtis drew heavily from mystery and horror genres and often collaborated with Richard Matheson (who wrote for the classic "Twilight Zone" series). Among their projects were "The Night Stalker" in 1972 and a 1973 sequel, "The Night Strangler."
Curtis is survived by his daughters, Cathy and Tracy.
Pro Hart, a mine worker who taught himself to paint and whose images of the people and landscapes of the Australian Outback were exhibited around the world, died Tuesday of the effects of motor neuron disease, his son said. He was 77.
Hart was born in the mining city of Broken Hill in 1928 but grew up on his family's remote sheep ranch, discovering his talent for drawing as a child.
He attended a few art classes but largely taught himself to paint at night "to keep him sane" while driving underground trains in the mines of Broken Hill, nearly 750 miles west of Sydney.
Hart worked in oils and acrylics on boards and canvas as well as creating welded steel sculptures and ceramics.
His real name was Kevin Charles Hart, but he was nicknamed Pro - short for professor - because of his passion for inventing.
A two-day old camel baby plays with his mother in the camel enclosure at the Sofia city zoo March 27, 2006. The baby camel was born at the zoo on Saturday, weighing around 30 kilograms.
Photo by Nikolay Doychinov
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