Create Your Own Pandemic and Media Scare! by Dana Ullman, MPH (Masters in Public Health)
Just prior to Donald Rumsfeld becoming our Secretary of Defense, he was the Chairman of the Board of Gilead Sciences, the company that created Tamiflu. Isn't that an amazing coincidence? This drug has been found to reduce a person's symptoms of the flu by ONE full day, and although there has not yet been any clinical evidence that it will help reduce, let alone "cure," the bird flu, our President Bush has recommended that the U.S. government purchase $1 billion worth of this drug. Tamiflu does have a tendency to cause various side-effects, including suicide - but only if you're a child; delirium - but heck, if you're delirious, you won't even know it; convulsions - but you might learn some new dance steps; hepatitis, and liver disease - but maybe it's good "exercise" for the liver; asthma and allergy symptoms - it is so good for you that it takes your breathe away! Although it is already known that this drug will create a super-virus due to viruses' innate ability to adapt to it, there are just some things that friends do for friends. It is therefore no surprise that former Secretary of State George Schultz is still on the Board of Directors of Gilead Sciences, and some business analysts have asserted that no other drug company has such a cozy relationship with the Bush Administration as this company.
Why should this technique be reserved for neocon charlatans? There's no reason to miss the boat. Create your own infectious disease pandemic and media scare! Just fill out the below questionnaire, and you can create the next disease that will be feared by all. You might even get a chance to NAME this disease, or better, get it named after YOU! If you are really smart, you'll pre-invest into the drug company that will successfully be able to treat one or two symptoms of the disease, even though some people may die from the drug's side effects. By the way...whether the bird flu ever becomes a reality or not (or whether YOUR disease ever becomes a reality or not), you can claim with confidence that it was your humanitarian concerns that helped prevent the pandemic. You win either way!
PICK AN ANIMAL AND A VIRULENT SOUNDING INFECTIOUS AGENT FOR YOUR NEW PANDEMIC
a) cow prions b) tortoise bacteria c) duck virus d) swine fungus e) mosquito parasite f) gerbil worm g) fruit bat turds
CHOOSE AN INFECTION METHOD
a) you touched or petted an infected animal b) you ate meat or something that the infected animal once touched c) you tied your shoes, but the laces had touched the ground in which the diseased animal walked d) you had unprotected sex with nurses e) you had unprotected sex with gerbils
CHOOSE A PART OF THE ANIMAL THAT IS PARTICULARLY DISEASED
a) cow brains b) tortoise feet c) pig fat d) duck liver e) dog tongues f) bat blood
HOW DO YOUR VICTIMS DIE?
a) Dehydration from chronic urination b) Eyes protrude out of their sockets with profuse bleeding c) Head explosion d) Throat constriction e) Skin melting
SPEED OF THE DISEASE
a) Slow, agonizing deaths with a protruding tongue b) Slow and gentle progression into the night (with poetic dreams) c) Rapid progression of the disease with fear and loathing d) Rapid progression of the disease with mental confusion and other stuff (you'll hardly even know that you're sick!)
CHOOSE A TRAGIC, INNOCENT FIRST CARRIER
a) Pregnant women b) Katie Couric c) Kittens d) Virgins e) Postage Stamps
CONSTRUCT A WORST-CASE SCENARIO WITH A POSITIVE SPIN ON IT
a) Disease creates fear about any type of exchanging bodily fluids, making "Become a master of your own domain" the new public health slogan. b) Disease shrivels breasts, creating depression for men and women, but makes a bundle for plastic surgeons and pharmaceutical companies. c) Disease only kills the 1st born...but because new research has confirmed that terrorists are primarily 1st born children (they have early training on their younger siblings), terrorism disappears. d) Disease smites the God-fearing Christians; people learn to love God.
THE MAGIC BULLET (with minor side effect)
a) Anti-viral (grows hair on your palms...making being a master of your own domain easier to take) b) Anti-fungal (reduces athletes foot too but creates web feet) c) Anti-worm (creates acidic urine that kills earthworms in soils, destroying ability to compost food, but gives companies that manufacture fertilizers a major boost) d) A herb (causes garlic breath) e) A homeopathic medicine (doctors assert that it was an MD who discovered homeopathy in the first place, so they insist that they invented it)
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE JUST CREATED
a) A pandemic of fear and damnation b) A pandemic of vaccine-related diseases c) A pandemic of new drug sales for a disease that doesn't exist yet but that could occur at any time d) A pandemic of cosmic and comic proportions
GIVE THIS NEW DISEASE A GOOD NAME
MATCH THE ANIMAL ON THE LEFT WITH ANY BODY PART ON THE RIGHT
a) cow prions pox b) iguana virus plague c) duck virus wasting disease d) fruit bat auto-immune disorder
TO ADD FUEL TO THE FIRE, MAKE CERTAIN TO ANNOUNCE THAT THERE ARE PRESENTLY INADEQUATE AMOUNTS OF THE DRUG YOU NEED FOR TREATMENT.
This is very important because it gives people the real sense that they are being left out...and that they MUST have this drug (whether it works or not...and whether the disease is real or not!).
AND NOW...THE BEST PART: YOU CAN CREATE YOUR OWN VACCINE FOR THIS THEORETICAL DISEASE.
Please know that you do not have to prove that your vaccine works. For instance, according to the LANCET (October 1, 2005), a systematic review of all previous studies testing vaccines for influenza to elderly populations has not shown that they are effective in preventing this disease. Another important study in the LANCET (February 26, 2005) analyzed every study published in any language, and they could not find a single study that showed a flu vaccine led to the reduction in mortality or serious complications from the flu in children.
Tom Jefferson, MD, the author of the above two studies in the LANCET, asserts, "What you see every year as the flu is caused by 200 or 300 different agents with a vaccine against two of them. That is simply nonsense." (NOTE: Dr. Jefferson has acknowledged that the abstracts to his articles may provide some confusing information. For more accurate information about the study, please read the study itself, and/or read this article in which Dr. Jefferson was interviewed.)
Using the above technique, you too can be infectiously creative. What could be easier to cure than a disease you invent yourself?
(the one they showed on the Superbowl when you went to the bathroom)
After a screening of Brokeback Mountain, a pack of handsome young Boy Scouts all gather around the campfire with scoutmaster Bob (played by Dom Deluise), who breaks out his guitar, and they all sing along...
Erectile Dysfunction
to the tune of On Top of Old Smoky
(a surprisingly minor rewrite)
Erectile Dysfunction
all covered with snow
is making me horny
with nowhere to go
I can't get a hardon
so what do you know?
I lost my true lover
a-courting too slow
A courting's a pleasure
A courting's a grief
Erectile dysfunction
Is worse than a thief.
A thief he will rob you
and make you feel dumb
Erectile dysfunction
will not let you come
She'll hug you and kiss you
Put you to the test
but nothing engorges
the one you like best
The grave will decay you And turn you to dust
But it is much worse when
your dick is a bust
Go hitch up your horses And feed them some hay Then sit down beside me And watch me decay
It's not I don't love you
It's not that I'm gay But fare thee well darling I'll be on my way
Erectile dysfunction All covered with snow I lost my true lover By courting too slow
Charity of the Week
Answers to Last Week's Two Stupid Questions
QUESTION #1: New Year's Day 2006 was delayed by a second. What are you going to do with your extra second?
Shit damn, I just gone an' wasted it. - John
I am going to.....Damn it's gone already !!!!! - H. Roy Wood
Uhhh? Damn it, it's over. Give me some warning next time!
- Harry Houck
Great minds think alike.
- John, H. Roy, Horace, and Harry
You're too late, Mike, I already squandered it on wine, women, and song. Cheers, - Nic
I kissed my husband.
- Spitfyre
So did I.
- Elton John
I get extra seconds with every meal. They're called "thirds." As opposed to "fifths" which sometimes partially accompany an alcoholic's meal or a musician's chord progression. Okay, so my Tom Robbins tribute to the last question turned out to be a Hunter S. Thompson tribute. Thought I'd be a little more whimsical this time.
Key word, on reading back, being "little."
Anyway, instead of asking questions that imply we're fat, why don't you see if you can get scientists to add more time to the day to make up for changes in the earth's rotation?
- Jimmy McConnell
The other day I was watching Comedy Central and Drew Carry's Green Screen show started. It took me exactly1 minute 37 seconds to dig the remote out from between the cushions and change the channel. I'm going to apply my leap second to that so I now only have a minute thirty-six seconds of my life I can't get back.
- Locke
Unfortunately I am not ahead at all since I borrowed an extra second in 2005.
- Marta Martin
Within the first hour of this New Year presented undeniable irrefutable evidence that "Life as I knew it" could no longer continue down this path. I used my extra second to divert/cancel any & all future episodes. I no longer participate nor observe any traditional "Holidays", therefore there will be no need for anyone to ever call nor come here, ever again. "Everybody outta the pool." "This juice is not worth the squeeze." "Don't call me, I'll call you." "S/He don't live here anymore." Take your crap on down the road. Have a good life. Count me out. Bye.
- VLA
Dear Sirs,
My doctor has advised me to avoid seconds! I certainly don't need any extra ones!
- Jed Closson
I plan to save it. Then, next time a co-worker asks: "do you have a second?," I'll say yeah, and offer it. Then I'll get back to work.
- Matt
If one is to understand that a second could be given back, then I should be able to choose which second otherwise the exercise is pointless.
My first choice for my "one second" would be used to shove Lee Harvey Oswald one second before he fires, thereby changing the outcome of the Kennedy Assassination. Kennedy lives, the deep reach of secretive government agencies begins to diminish, Nixon never gets to the White House, tens of thousands of Vets live or are not injured, the possibility of disco music never appears as we need no relief from the sixties and seventies strife, there is no surge to the right to compensate for the extreme left movement, much like the Romantic Age to the Victorian, and finally we will not end up with the Patriot Act up our asses!
My second choice would be to catch Saul from his fall from his horse on the way to Damascus, so he doesn't hit his head, who then never becomes Paul to have his visions, and therefore doesn't change the rules of Judaism to dispense with circumcision and suspending of dietary rules to convert the Greek paganmasses from their beautiful female-oriented religion of Artemis, and therefore can't call his new religion Christianity, which leaves one less religion to fight about, which saves millions of innocent lives throughout the centuries, which doesn't allow for the dark ages that union of church and state (The Holy Roman Empire) used to manipulate and forever change history, that leaves us in such a stupid avoidable misery of ignorance today.
My third choice would be to go to the back seat of my Mustang on August 19, 1971 and make the spit second decision to take off Carol Hosbecker's panties and fuck the shit out of her, for all those similar slobs who have the same "damn, I should have done it you fucking moron!" fantasy as well as my own ego gratification, not to mention all those billions of potential lives spilled into the Kleenex later on that evening.
- Nick Watermn
I wasn't aware cloning had advanced to the point where an extra second would be generally available by New Year's Day 2006, but, if so, I'd have my 'Ex-Sec' (which will no doubt be the marketing name) do chores for me.
Taking out the trash and changing the furnace filter would only be the start; I also have him attend social functions that don't particularly thrill me, stand in line for me, and appear in traffic court on my behalf (and do time if necessary). In the interest of brevity, I won't list all of the other things my Ex-Sec could do for me, but the mind boggles.
Well, it is supposed to be a stupid answer to a stupid question and this is one mighty stupid answer.
- RSJ
QUESTION #2: What is suitable punishment for the slimeball motherfuckers?
LET THEM WATCH RERUNS OF "MY MOTHER THE CAR" FOR ETERNITY. - JD
In a variation on a theme, I think a suitable punishment would be to have specially-programmed Ex-Secs, joined to the miscreants at the hip, who would constantly remind them of how worthless, vacuous and cruel they really are.
Oh, and they should have to suck DeLay's toes hourly, too.
- RSJ
They should be completely ignored and unacknowledged, just as they ignored others. Nobody should communicate with them in any manner, ever again.
- Bill Moses
How about a year at the Crawford ranch with Dubya, Cheney, Condi, Karl, Donald and Pat Robertson?
- Beaburt784
There was a time in ancient Rome when Senators had to wear a cord around their necks. If they proposed a law that did not pass, they could be strangled by the other Senators.
Same thing, except now, if they ever hold a closed-door meeting, the cords come out. Cockroaches cannot stand the light. Neither can politicians. 100% open, 100% a matter of public record, 100% accountability.
Either that or require them to eat, pay for healthcare, and educate their children on minimum wage.
Naaaa, I gotta go with ligature strangulation. - Jimmy McConnell
When the aliens finally get here and they announce that they have recorded every song broadcast over the airwaves for the last 100 years and are giving it as a gift to humankind, the slimeballs will weep, wail and cry as they shrivel up into little used balls of cocaine that the dog eats.
- Spitfyre
This is a difficult stupid question. The solution depends on what the victim's idea of hell is. I'd like to watch Donnie Rumsfeld drink a year's worth of my cum while getting ass-fucked by Fidel Castro, but maybe he'd like that...Gotta find out what they don't want to lose, then make them watch you take it.
- Tim Omachi
None of your biznizzle, my nizzle!
- Marta Martin
Stupid Question of the Week
"The Israeli government is planning to give up a large slice of land to American Christian evangelicals to build a biblical theme park by the Sea of Galilee where Jesus is said to have walked on water and fed 5,000 with five loaves and two fish. A consortium of Christian groups, led by the television evangelist Pat Robertson, is in negotiation with the Israeli ministry of tourism and a deal is expected in the coming months. The project is expected to bring up to 1 million extra tourists a year but an undeclared benefit will be the cementing of apolitical alliance between the Israeli right wing and the American Christian right."
Here's a debunking of your previous contributor, Dan W. (from last issue)
This is a medical website that includes a drawing of the human GI tract, almost identical to the knitted one. Sorry, Dan W, but I don't know what you are complaining about. They knitted it just right! (I can't believe I'm defending a knitting website.)
The digestive tract does two things: it takes food and physically breaks it down into smaller pieces, and then it adds digestive enzymes to break the pieces down into nutrients that can be absorbed into the bloodstream. The organs of the digestive tract also secrete copious amounts of mucus to help the physical passage of material and to protect itself from digestion.
The tongue helps to mash food into smaller bits, so in this sense it is properly included in a model of the human digestive tract. It doesn't supply the enzymes and lubrication, but the salivary glands do that. Maybe they should have knitted little salivary glands, too.
When I first saw that image, I wondered for a moment why they included the tongue when most people do not, but it didn't bother me very much.
"America: the longer we allow the illegitimate pretender to the White House and his conniving and callous gang of co-conspirators to continue, the more our collective humanity is damaged. Apparently, candlelight vigils do very little to stop, or even slow down a little, the carnage committed by the war criminals in DC.
"Then we have the unfortunate innocents of Iraq. I have heard reports of up to as many as 200 of them killed yesterday. So if 200 were reported, one has to really wonder what the true count was. Bill O'Reilly and George Bush define a terrorist as someone who 'kills innocent men, women and children.' Am I the only one who sees the irony and stunning hypocrisy in this statement?" Who do Bill and George think are being killed in Iraq? A well-trained and organized Army? Terrorists? We all know that is false. This is who is being killed in Iraq: living breathing human beings, identical to Americans or any other human beings on earth, who are just trying to go about their lives, trying to survive in a war-torn country that was no threat to America or our way of life.
"'I would say 30,000 more or less have died as a result of the initial incursion and the ongoing violence against Iraqis,' said George on December 12, 2005. Even if one accepts this very low guess-timate by George, his policies have been responsible for ten times the 3000 deaths on September 11, 2001. By his own admission, he is ten times the terrorist that Osama ever was. If George says 30,000 ... who knows what the truthful total is. It fills me with sorrow and hurts my heart to even contemplate the number...
"If I hear one more rendition of "We Shall Overcome" and then watch the vigilers or marchers go home and turn on their TVs and crack open a brewsky, content in the fact that they have done something for peace that day, I am going to scream! We can't overcome unless we take the proverbial bull by the horns and overcome!
"Hold your vigils and marches in relevant places: such as warmongering local Congressional offices. So many Senators and Congresspeople come to mind. Or in front of a recruiting station. Or federal buildings. Or military bases. Then instead of going home and cracking open a beer, or uncorking a bottle of wine, sit down and say "we aren't leaving until you call for an immediate end to the occupation of Iraq." Put your butt on the line for humanity.
"Change will not happen until we make it happen. We can't make change happen by wishing or praying that it will happen.
"I love the fact that 'spam' has come to mean unwanted garbage on the internet. Every day I receive four or five offers to add three or four inches to my penis. All of which I accept. And now I have a nine-foot penis."
- Eric Idle: The Greedy Bastard Diary -
"The most important scientific revolutions all include, as their only common feature, the dethronement of human arrogance from one pedestal after another of previous convictions about our centrality in the cosmos."
- Stephen Jay Gould -
"While working on our S&L book (Inside Job) in 1986, my co-author, Mary Fricker, and I followed one of our S&L crooks to a small Indian reservation outside Palm Springs. It was the home of the Cabazons, the very tribe that took their case for gambling rights to the U.S. Supreme Court and won sparking the Indian gaming revolution.
"What we found there was, to say the least, unnerving. Sure there were Indians - about 25, but they weren't in charge. Instead as group of Los Angeles-based Mafioso were running the operations -- people with names like Rocco. The gaming operations were run by a non-Indian management company. They would front the money to build, maintain and operate the various gaming operations with the promise the tribe would get a share of the "profits," as calculated by Rocco and friends.
"This is how Indian gaming began. After being chased out of Los Vegas and New Jersey by state and federal heat, the mob discovered Indian reservations. It was like a gift from the Mob Gods. One mobster testifying before congress was asked how the mob viewed Indian reservations. He replied, "as our new Cuba.
"That's because Indian reservations are sovereign nations within a sovereign nation. The mob could set up casinos, pay off tribal leaders and skim casino proceeds with impunity. If the FBI showed up they had tribal security usher them out the gate because they had no jurisdiction on reservation property.
"During our short investigation of the goings on at that Indio, California Blazoning reservation:
Three members of the tribe were found shot in the head a week after threatening to go public with corruption at the gaming facilities
An illicit arms sales operation was set up peddling machine guns
The non-Indian head of the tribe's gaming management company, John Philip Nichols, was sent to prison on a hire for murder charge
The S&L crook who led us to the reservation in the first place and who had financed the tribe's high-stakes bingo parlor, was charged with running fraudulent insurance companies and running off with customer premiums
The same fellow was later sued by the federal government for tens of millions in fraudulent loans he got from now-defunct S&Ls
"And there was more. And it's still going on . (See this story)"
"The noble effort of CaoDai is to unite all of humanity through a common vision of the Supreme Being, whatever our minor differences, in order to promote peace and understanding throughout the world. CaoDai does not seek to create a gray world, where all religions are exactly the same, only to create a more tolerant world, where all can see each other as sisters and brothers from a common divine source reaching out to a common divine destiny realizing peace within and without."
"We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do."
- Ethel Barrett -
"The late-night program hosted by David Letterman is the toughest interview show on television. That's because Mr. Letterman is a smart guy who can spot a phony with telescopic accuracy and expects his guests to bring something to the table. If a guest begins to sink on this show, the bottom is a long way down."
"I'm not smart enough to debate you point to point on this, but I have the feeling, I have the feeling about 60 percent of what you say is crap. 60 percent. I'm just spit-balling here."
"I really don't think he'd sound like an idiot if they kept him informed. He would, however, still sound like a kid trying to get out of trouble by tattling on something Billy did: 'My personal opinion is it was a shameful act for someone to disclose this very important program (the NSA surveillance program) in a time of war. The fact that we're discussing this program is helping the enemy.'
"There he goes again. He is being deceitful and insincere. Bush and Co. have broken the law, and furthermore, it was completely unnecessary to do so. The Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act is not a hindrance to tracking down al-Qaida - every objection to its requirements is easily refuted.
"So Bush breaks a law he didn't remotely need to and then denounces anyone who discusses this as helping the enemy. Come on. It's so stupid. The choice is not between a police state and another al-Qaida attack."
"Explain to me, in your best wingnutnese, how exactly it damages national security to reveal the fact that we spy on people without secret warrants instead of the fact that we spy on people with secret warrants?"
"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere."
- Frank A. Clark -
"When we feel stuck, going nowhere - even starting to slip backward - we may actually be backing up to get a running start."
- Dan Millman -
"The Bush administration has sent troops into Paraguay. They are there ostensibly for humanitarian and counterterrorism purposes. The action coincides with growing left unity in South America, military buildup in the region and burgeoning independent trade relationships...
"In December 2004, the Bush administration canceled $330 million in economic and military aid to 10 South American countries. They were being penalized for turning down a US request for granting its soldiers immunity from prosecution for crimes they commit within the countries borders.
"On May 5, however, the government of Paraguay took the bait. It signed an agreement authorizing an 18-month stay, automatically extended, for US soldiers and civilian employees. The previous limit had been set at six months. On May 26, in a secret session, Paraguay's Congress passed legislation protecting US soldiers from prosecution for criminal activity, both within Paraguay and by the International Criminal Court.
"Reportedly, 400 or 500 US troops estimates vary arrived in Paraguay on July 1, with planes, weapons, equipment and ammunition. They are billeted at a base near Mariscal Estigarribia, a small city located 200 kilometers from the Bolivian border in the arid, sparsely populated Chaco area of Paraguay. That facility, built by US contractors in the waning years of the Stroessner dictatorship (1954-1989), offers a runway long enough to accommodate large military transport planes and bombers. It provides barrack space for 16,000 troops.
"Journalist and human rights activist Alfredo Boccia Paz, stated in Asuncion that immunity from prosecution for US soldiers, extension of their stay, and joint military exercises all provide the groundwork for the eventual installation of a US base in Paraguay. He quoted Argentine Nobel Peace laureate Adolfo Prez Esquivel: 'Once the United States arrives, it takes it a long time to leave. And that really frightens me.'"
"Caught in gratuitous and illegal spying on American citizens, the Bush administration has defended its illegal activity and set the Justice (sic) Department on the trail of the person or persons who informed the New York Times of Bush's violation of law. Note the astounding paradox: The Bush administration is caught red-handed in blatant illegality and responds by trying to arrest the patriot who exposed the administration's illegal behavior.
"Bush has actually declared it Treasonous to reveal his illegal behavior!"
"We now know that George Bush personally ordered American intelligence services to spy on American citizens without the consent of any court and repeatedly directed officials to take actions that explicitly violated the law. Our courts are the last line of defense against abuses of power like this, and every judicial nominee must demonstrate that they will honor their most important responsibility: protecting our rights and freedoms.
"Samuel Alito will not.
"During the course of his judicial career, Samuel Alito has compiled a record of looking the other way when abuses of power threaten our basic freedoms. He has deferred to unscrupulous prosecutors who constructed all-white juries to try black defendants. He repeatedly failed to protect our right to privacy. He was even the lone judge voting to uphold the illegal strip-search of a 10-year old girl."
"Writing is the art of applying the seat of the pants to the seat of the chair."
- Mary Heaton Vorse -
"Despite spending $1 million in the last two years to assure Los Angeles residents that their tap water is not only safe to drink but also top quality, city officials spent $88,900 in public money during that time on bottled water from private firms.
"The Department of Water and Power, which supplies the city's water and promotes it, spent the most on bottled water, paying $31,160 to Sparkletts."
"'Tis the season to state that from now on I refuse to be defined by people who think that by constantly declaring their love of God and their unquestioning, deep belief in their religions, they are relieved of the more onerous responsibilities and behavior prescribed by such faiths. Those very faiths' carefully laid-out, moral and spiritual guides for personal behavior and action the day-to-day way of respecting one's creator are evidently waived. All they have to do is: 1) loudly proclaim, publicly and often, that they and their kind are leading truly godly lives, while also pointing out that most others aren't, and 2) maintain that any indiscretion committed is in the service of punishing, attacking, and demeaning those who are unbelievers of the one and only true way of your faith."
"A SWAT team at a mining disaster..... Hmmm. Distraught relatives are everywhere. In a big city emergency room, almost every day, you see people who are anguished and enraged past reason. There aren't any SWAT teams present, only security guards who have seen it all. "The SWAT team does not show up for garden variety disturbing the peace. Could it be that the mining officials had good reason to fear someone would attack them, that a lot of people were mad. The public has an explanation coming. Why is that being left out of the story? Lie of omission. "CNN slipped up and explicitly named the owner of the mine, International Coal Group. How many code and safety violations has this company had? Why is that being left out? Lie of omission. "Who are the people and or corporations who own this International Coal Group? Why is that left out? Lie of omission."
"Have any of the owners of International Coal Group lobbied, directly or indirectly for relaxed safety codes or liability for coal mines? The 'reporters' should at least tell us they looked into it. Why is that left out? Lie of omission."
- Martha: A Lie in Progress -
"I'm an artist. It's the very opposite of saying - 'I know all about it. I've already found it.' As far as I am concerned, the word means - 'I'm looking, I'm hunting for it, I'm deeply involved.'"
- Vincent Van Gogh -
"I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet... and took his shoes."
- Xarvon, alien investigator -
Everything Else
What I gather from this article and this article is that we're about to pull our troops out of Afghanistan, having destroyed the place, without doing the promised reconstruction, without getting bin Laden, and that the Taliban will be back in charge in a few years. Isn't that nice? Where's the media on THIS one?
Oh what the hell, you may as well check out the Top 15 Mug Shots of the Year, even though there aren't nearly enough neocons.
dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form, preferably parchment. It consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's either satire or fair use.
Maureen Dowd: Reach Out and Touch No One (The New York Times)
Doing the math, you've got to figure that the 12 wise men and one wise woman had about 30 seconds apiece to say their piece to the president about Iraq, where vicious assaults this week have killed almost 200 and raised U.S. troop fatalities to at least 2,189.
Molly Ivins: Proud to be an American (Creators Syndicate)
Both Abramoff and DeLay and many of their web of colleagues have consistently used nonprofit organizations ostensibly formed for charitable purposes to launder money, to move peculiar proceeds and to pay for high-flying perks. Come on, guys, give us a break -- if you're going to make a mockery of democracy and show your mastery at flipping money, wiring the system and fixing the odds -- please don't use charitable organizations designed to help crippled children to do it.
Paul Krugman: Heck of a Job, Bushie (The New York Times)
A year ago, we didn't know for sure that almost all the politicians and pundits who thundered, during the Lewinsky affair, that even the president isn't above the law have changed their minds. But now we know when it comes to presidents who break the law, it's O.K. if you're a Republican.
James Howard Kunstler: Americans, War Is the Answer (campusprogress.org)
It's not enough to just be against the war. There is a lady in my town who drives a Ford Explorer with the bumper sticker that says "War is Not the Answer." I keep telling her that war is the answer for her. If we want to keep living the easy motoring life, with the economy based on building evermore suburban sprawl, then war will be the answer - and we all ought to stop complaining about it.
David Bruce: Wise Up: Signs (athensnews.com)
Occasionally, you see a bumper sticker that says, "Don't Blame Me. I Voted for Kerry." Actually, that's short for "Torture. An Exploding National Debt. Turning the Biggest Federal Budget Surplus in History into the Biggest Federal Budget Deficit in History. Exporting American Jobs Overseas. Enormous Gasoline and Utility Bills. Scandal After Scandal After Scandal. Big Government Growing Much Bigger Than Under Clinton. No-Bid Contracts. Making War Profiteers Richer. Big Tax Cuts for the Rich, But Not for the Middle Class. Lying the US into War. Attacking Whistle-Blowers. Calling Brave Democrat Veterans Cowards. Letting Osama Go Free. Not Protecting America on 9-11. My Pet Goat. Over 2,000 Dead American Soldiers in Iraq. Thousands of Dead Iraqi Civilians. Keeping Brown People in Jail without Charging Them with a Crime. Spying on Americans. ... Don't Blame Me. I Voted for Kerry."
Is the Beltway rife with nepotism, as the burgeoning Abramoff scandal suggests? Or is it just a coincidence that so many relatives of Congressmen have sweet deals linked to these officials' ability to deliver political favors? This poem puts these matters into context...
A Public Service Clan
The Congressman's a family man, He heads a public service clan, While others give but of themselves, His clannish ways, the good work swells.
He serves as a committee chair, His wife consults on elder care, His son does work for lobbyists, His daughter markets mailing lists.
And it is no coincidence, A sister thrives on think tank stints; A brother who some thought was dense, Runs agents for homeland defense.
A campaign worker twice indicted, Has on this statesman's staff alighted; An intern who once shared his bed, Is now a cable talking head.
God bless this Rep and all his clan. Their selfless deeds, their grand élan; And fie on those who heap derision, On such extended patriotism.
Poet's Note: This week on
wallstreetpoet.com
we start running an offbeat novel - "Murder At Bernstein's" - about a billionaire media mogul running for mayor of Philadelphia, and the crime that threatens his candidacy. A new chapter of this book will appear each week.
Added 2 more new flags - Belize & Syria (#109 & 110).
Tonight, Tuesday:
CBS begins the night with a FRESH'NCIS', followed by the FRESH'The 32nd Annual People's Choice Awards' (LIVE on the East Coast/tape-delayed & edited for the left coast).
Scheduled on a FRESHDave are Scarlett Johansson, Tiki Barber, and Imogen Heap.
Scheduled on a FRESHCraig is Dr. Phil.
NBC starts the night with a FRESH'Fear Factor', followed by a FRESH'Scrubs', then another FRESH'Scrubs', followed by a FRESH'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit'.
Scheduled on a FRESHLeno are Joaquin Phoenix, Jo Koy, and Alanis Morissette.
Scheduled on a FRESHConan are Ron Howard and Jimmy Carr.
Scheduled on a FRESHCarson Daly are Seth Meyers, Amos Lee, and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.
ABC opens the night with a FRESH'Jim', followed by a FRESH'Rodney', then a FRESH'Commander In Chief', followed by a FRESH'Boston Legal'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJimmy Kimmel are Quentin Tarantino and golfer John Daly.
The WB offers a FRESH'Gilmore Girls', followed by a FRESH'Supernatural'.
Faux has a RERUN'Bones', followed by a FRESH'House'.
A&E has 'Cold Case Files', 'Crystal Meth', 'Dog The Bounty Hunter', another 'Dog The Bounty Hunter', 'Airline', and another 'Airline'.
AMC offers the movie 'Goldfinger', followed by the movie 'Never Say Never Again', then the movie 'Octopussy'.
BBC -
[2pm] 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' - Royle Episode 13;
[2:40pm] 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' - Episode 3;
[3:20pm] 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' - Episode 4;
[4pm] 'At Home with the Braithwaites' - Episode 3;
[5pm] 'Monarch of the Glen' - Episode 9;
[6pm] 'BBC World News';
[6:30pm] 'House Invaders' - Episode 13;
[7pm] 'The Benny Hill Show' - Episode 39;
[8pm] 'Cash in the Attic' - Episode 8;
[9pm] 'Bad Girls' - Episode 9;
[10pm] 'Mile High' - Episode 12;
[11pm] 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' - Royle Episode 13;
[11:40pm] 'My Family' - The Awkward Phase;
[12:20am] 'My Family' - Much Ado About Ben;
[1am] 'Bad Girls' - Episode 9;
[2am] 'Mile High' - Episode 12;
[3am] 'Rockface' - Episode 1;
[4am] 'Rockface' - Episode 2;
[5am] 'Rockface' - Episode 3;
[6am] 'BBC World News'. (ALL TIMES EST)
Bravo has 'West Wing', 'Project Runway', 'Queer Eye', and another 'Queer Eye'.
Comedy Central has 'Comedy Central Presents', 'Reno 911!', an old 'Jon Stewart', an old 'Colbert Report', 'Chappelle's Show', 'South Park', 'Distraction', and 'Mind Of Mencia'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJon Stewart is Albert Brooks.
Scheduled on a FRESHColbert Report is Carl Bernstein.
FX offers the 5th SEASON PREMIERE of 'The Shield'.
History has 'Survival Technology', 'Mail Call', another 'Mail Call', 'Engineering Disasters 3', and 'Modern Marvels'.
IFC -
[6AM] Shallow Grave (1994);
[7:45AM] The Last Days (1998);
[9:15AM] Secret Ballot (2001);
[11:15AM] The Chateau (2001);
[1PM] IFC Short Film Collection I: January (2006);
[3PM] The Last Days (1998);
[4:30PM] At The IFC Center #9 (2005);
[5PM] Short: Pink (2003);
[5:15PM] Secret Ballot (2001);
[7:05PM] Only the Strong Survive (2002);
[8:45PM] IFC in Theaters (2005);
[9PM] The Devil's Backbone (2001);
[11PM] Hopeless Pictures #3 (2005);
[11:15PM] Greg the Bunny: "Sleazy Rider" (2005);
[11:30PM] Dinner For Five #41 (2005);
[12AM] Hopeless Pictures #2 (2005);
[12:15AM] Greg the Bunny: "Daddyhood" (2005);
[12:30AM] Dinner For Five #40 (2005);
[1AM] The Devil's Backbone (2001);
[3AM] Hopeless Pictures #3 (2005);
[3:15AM] Greg the Bunny: "Sleazy Rider" (2005);
[3:30AM] Dinner For Five #41 (2005);
[4AM] Hopeless Pictures #2 (2005);
[4:15AM] Greg the Bunny: "Daddyhood" (2005);
[4:30AM] Dinner For Five #40 (2005);
[5AM] IFC Short Film Showcase: January (2006). (ALL TIMES EST)
SciFi has the movie 'Cabin By The Lake', followed by the movie 'Riding The Bullet'.
Sundance -
[7AM] Stealing The Fire;
[8:35AM] Career Girls;
[10AM] How to Draw a Bunny;
[11:30AM] Celestial Clockwork;
[1PM] Stealing The Fire;
[2:45PM] The Firefly Man;
[3PM] Pieces of April;
[4:30PM] Career Girls;
[6PM] Iconoclasts: Ford on Koons;
[6:45PM] In Short: Festival 3;
[7:30PM] I Am Cuba;
[10PM] I Am Cuba, the Siberian Mammoth;
[11:30PM] I Am NOT an ANIMAL: Planet of the Men & Women;
[12AM] Female Perversions;
[2AM] The Beat;
[3:30AM] The Singing Detective;
[5:30AM] Celestial Clockwork. (ALL TIMES EST)
Matthew Broderick (L) and Nathan Lane (R) pose with Mel Brooks, who wrote the 1968 film 'The Producers', after they received stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in Los Angeles January 9, 2006. Lane and Broderick are currently starring together in the new film version of 'The Producers', which is a comedy about a neo-Nazi musical.
Photo by Chris Pizzello
Matthew Broderick had a request for people strolling the Hollywood Walk of Fame. "Please remember to curb your dogs when you are walking in this area," Broderick said as he and Broadway buddy Nathan Lane received their stars on Monday in a dual ceremony.
Broderick's wife, Sarah Jessica Parker, attended the unveiling along with director Mel Brooks.
"These men both publicly and privately have done so much for me," Brooks said. "Without Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick I would be living in a little motel just around the corner here, trying to make ends meet."
Blues fans have long thought Robert Johnson recorded 13 songs in 1937 in a building two blocks east of Dallas City Hall. The building was home to Brunswick Records at the time, but there was no known documentation to confirm where the recordings took place.
That was until San Diego blues enthusiast Tom Jacobson tracked down a 1961 letter unlocking the mystery.
In the letter, the producer of the recordings, Don Law, wrote that the session took place in a makeshift studio at the Brunswick Records office - a three-story building now owned by a drink distribution company.
Law was the only producer to record Johnson, including another session in San Antonio eight months before the Dallas recordings. Law died 23 years ago.
Jacobson donated the letter to the Library of Congress in December. It also includes information about other Johnson tales, like the night in San Antonio that he asked Law for money to pay a prostitute, and how he was so secretive about his guitar technique that he would face the wall while playing when other musicians were present.
George Clooney, right, receives the freedom award from Julia Roberts at the 11th Annual Critics' Choice Awards in Santa Monica, Calif., Monday, Jan. 9, 2006.
Photo by Kevork Djansezian
Goldie Hawn and "Cheers" creator James Burrows will be honored at the 12th annual U.S. Comedy Arts Festival this spring.
Hawn, 60, will receive the AFI Star Award for her film and TV work, which includes the '60s comedy show "Laugh-In" and the big screen flicks "Private Benjamin" and "The First Wives Club."
Longtime TV producer-director Burrows will be honored with a career tribute. An executive producer of "Will and Grace," he has helped launch numerous sitcoms including "Taxi," "Friends," "Frasier," "Taxi" and "NewsRadio."
Burrows, 65, has won 10 Emmy Awards and four Directors Guild of America awards.
The British Broadcasting Corp. will make about 40 video news clips available daily in the United States and Canada for Internet and cell phone subscribers through a deal with ABC News.
BBC News producers will choose segments on top world and U.K. news, along with topical items such as entertainment, business and technology news. ABC did not say when it will begin offering the clips.
Nor did the network disclose pricing details, including whether clips will be sold separately or as a package, and whether they will be free to subscribers of its existing $40-a-year premium video package.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson will lead last rites Friday for Lou Rawls, the velvet-voiced singer of "You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine" and "Lady Love" who died of cancer last week.
An 11 a.m. funeral will be held at the West Angeles Church of God in Christ in Los Angeles with Jackson officiating, Rawls family spokesman Paul Shefrin said Monday. Burial will be private.
On Thursday, a public viewing will be held at Angelus Funeral Home starting at 3 p.m.
The family requested that instead of flowers, donations be made to the United Negro College Fund. A longtime activist, Rawls played a major role in UNCF telethons, which began as "Lou Rawls' Parade of Stars" and have raised more than $200 million through the years. He often visited and performed at black colleges.
French President Jacques Chirac (L) welcomes former U.S. President Bill Clinton at the Elysee Palace in Paris, January 9, 2006.
Photo by Charles Platiau
Two-time Oscar-winner Hilary Swank and actor husband Chad Lowe have separated after more than eight years of marriage. "Hilary and Chad have decided to separate, but they are hopeful they'll be able to get through this tough time," Swank's manager Troy Nankin said in a statement Monday.
David Rose, the actor's agent at Innovative Artists, said there would be no comment from Lowe.
A huge mural painted for free by late pop artist Keith Haring and displayed in a community centre serving disadvantaged children and families is for sale and could fetch millions of dollars, officials said.
Haring, who became famous for graffiti-inspired drawings that appeared in New York subway stations, took one day to create the 2.4-by-23.4-metre mural that has graced a wall of the South of Market Child Care Center since 1985.
The child care centre put the work up for sale after losing its lease and planning a move to a new location. The mural was restored by the New York-based Keith Haring Foundation in 1998 and is reported to be in excellent condition.
Actor Michael Crawford (L), the original actor to play the lead in 'The Phantom of the Opera', and composer Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber talk to the media before the start of 'Phantom' in New York January 9, 2006. The romantic melodrama set to lush music by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber captures the title of longest-running show in Broadway history when the curtain goes up for performance No. 7,486 on Monday night.
Photo by Seth Wenig
Forensic scientists were unable to say if a skull kept in Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart's home town of Salzburg is indeed that of the composer born 250 years ago, Austrian television said on Sunday.
Austrian public TV station ORF last year commissioned an international research project -- dubbed "CSI Mozart" after the award-winning U.S. TV series about crime scene investigators -- to analyze teeth extracted from the skull.
But the scientists -- from Austria's University of Innsbruck and the U.S. Armed Forces DNA Identification Laboratory in Rockville, Maryland -- drew a blank, ORF said in their documentary broadcast Sunday night.
They compared the skull's DNA with genetic information retrieved from a grave where Mozart's niece and his grandmother were believed to have been buried.
But they found that neither of the two female skeletons was related, nor was either of them related to the person whose skull rests in the Mozarteum's safe.
In this photo handout by AMC, Jaime Murray, left, and Robert Vaughn, arrive at a special New York screening of Hustle, Monday, Jan 9, 2006. The new AMC series, premiering January 14, features Murray and Vaughn as stylish con-artists targeting unsuspecting marks in London.
Photo by Stuart Ramson
Two masked gunmen broke into a museum in the Serb city of Novi Sad on Sunday, tied up employees with scotch tape and stole four paintings, including 17th century works by Rembrandt and Rubens.
Novi Sad City Museum director Drago Njegovan said the paintings were worth several million euros but were far too well known to be sold. The Rembrandt, a portrait of the artist's father valued at $4.4 million, had been stolen once before in 1983 and found two years later in Spain.
Gemma Sykes performs as Myrtha Queen of the Willis during a dress rehearsal for the ballet 'Giselle' at The Royal Opera House in Covent Garden in central London January 9, 2006.
Photo by Alessia Pierdomenico
Terry Hekker wrote a book in 1980 that made her famous. Ever Since Adam & Eve was a passionate defence of her decision to eschew a career and spend her life as a wife and a mother.
Coming at the end of the Seventies, when feminism was enjoying a renaissance and the career woman was emerging from behind the cooker, Hekker became a celebrated poster child for more old-fashioned values. She wanted her job choice of 'homemaker' to be considered as valid as those of up-and-coming women bankers, bosses and company directors. The book sold well, Hekker appeared on all the TV prime-time chat shows and went on a national tour. But that was then.
Today, Hekker told The Observer, she is planning a follow-up book. Its working, albeit jokey, title is bluntly honest: Disregard First Book. For her life did not turn out as she planned, and she now believes her decision to become a housewife and homemaker should serve as a warning for young American women.
In a display of spectacular bad taste, Hekker's husband presented her with divorce papers on their 40th wedding anniversary and left her for a younger woman. The divorce left her facing an uncertain financial future, bereft of income and - after spending her adult life bringing up five children - lacking skills to make her attractive in the job market. Despite that, the judge in her divorce case suggested that - at 67 - she go for job training.
A Chinese visitor walks past ice sculptures at the 2006 International Ice and Snow Festival in Shenyang, northeast China's Liaoning province January 8, 2006. The festival is the largest of its kind in northeast China and is expected to attract one million visitors, sources said.
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amused or entertained?
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How about a favorite TV show, movie, book, play, cartoon, or legal amusement?
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