Thursday

    He's been called a cult figure to various lunatic fringe groups, Tom Robbins calls him "a dazzling barker hawking tickets to the most thrilling tilt-a-whirls and daring loop-o-planes on the midway of higher consciousness," he calls himself an iconoclastic comedian, and whether Robert Anton Wilson is a philosopher or a public nuisance is now up to you. His books, The Illuminatus Trilogy, Schroedinger's Cat, and The Cosmic Trigger all fall somewhere in between non-fiction and pure fantasy, full of unquestionable facts and quotes that somehow always add up to utterly preposterous conclusions. This devotion to eccentricity and breaking down barriers reaches its zenith in The Illuminati Papers, a book seemingly written by characters from all his other books. It contains, among other esoterica, a whole page of Haiku by Raymond Chandler in which Wilson has simply taken short descriptive excerpts from Chandler's work and reformatted them into beautiful miniature poems.

    With all the passion of a religious crusader, Robert Anton Wilson is out to destroy all personal belief systems, to force every one of his readers to seriously question any and all thoughts they hold dear. His specialty is in analyzing systems that seem to contradict each other and trying to find the points at which they do agree. In Promethius Rising he synthesizes the works of Leary, Jung, Freud, Sagan, Gurdjieff, Berne, and several others into a general system that shows how much they have in common, where they disagree, and why. His newest work, Reality is What You Can Get Away With, reads like a screenplay by Picasso - it's cubist, outrageous, completely non-linear, constantly startling, and very funny. All of his books are part of a series; they're cinematic, full of cross cutting, montages, flashbacks, and flash forwards. But no one seems to be able to figure out if this new one is a movie or a book since it actively defies both definitions. He's raised the put-on to the highest art form.

 

    Wilson holds a Ph.D. in psychology, edited the Playboy Forum for six years, has made a comedy record (Secrets of Power) and a punk rock record (The Chocolate Biscuit Conspiracy), the stage version of his Illuminatus trilogy has been seen in Frankfurt, Amsterdam, Seattle, Jerusalem, and was performed recently in Liverpool by the London National Theater in a 12 hour noon to midnight marathon. His latest play, Wilhelm Reich in Hell, has only been seen in Ireland where Wilson has lived for the past five years. A screenwriting job brought him to Hollywood recently, where he has been delivering lectures and running fantasy role-playing encounter groups. These evenings are enlightening, self-contradictory, very funny, and hazardous to your dogma. We started out talking about one of his favorite subjects. 

 

DARE

Do you see everything as a conspiracy? 

 

WILSON

No. Somebody once accused me of claiming that everything is subjective, but I don't make statements about everything, I only make partial statements. I think conspiracy is very prevalent behavior on this planet. It even precedes humanity. Lions conspire - one lion will frighten a herd of antelope to get them running in a certain direction where the other lions will be waiting there to eat them. That's a conspiracy against antelopes, and I'm sure the antelopes are very bitter about it. Ants conspire, they seize territory and drive off interlopers, rats have very vigorous conspiracies, when a rat from a strange pack gets into a house they'll hunt him down and kill him. It's just like the mafia, "Don't do anything on our territory." 

 

DARE

Is it possible for a conspiracy to be benign? 

 

WILSON

It would have to be open. The difference between a conspiracy and an affinity group is that when me and my friends do it it's an affinity group and when someone we don't like does it it's a conspiracy. Conspiracies run the literary world, the art world, marijuana arrives here due to conspiracies. It's a conspiratorial world.

    People naturally form groups and to the extent that they're competing with each other, they try to hide what they're doing. The best explanation of conspiracy is in The Theory of Games and Economic Behavior, a very thick mathematical treatise. It explains that it's very beneficial to have conspiracies in competitive situations - the bigger an alliance you form, the quicker you move ahead.

    The function of every alliance is to conceal information from the other alliance and to spread false information, just like in a poker game. You don't want them to know what hand you've got but you want them to think they know. Poker is the essence of conspiracy. Everybody's trying to deceive one another. A benevolent conspiracy would have to be open, without the factor of concealment, and everybody's invited in. That's the only kind of conspiracy that could really improve the world. 

 

DARE

So you think that Summit Conferences should be broadcast live to everybody? 

 

WILSON

Of course. People are so paranoid about the Bilderbergers because they're so secretive. For all we know they're only getting together to look at stag movies once a year. The Bilderbergers have a lot of members in common with the Tri-Lateral Commission and the Council on Foreign Relations and the Royal Institute of International Affairs. To a great extent they're financed by the Rockefellers and Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands. They're all part of one gang that meets once a year in secret. They're called the Bilderbergers because their first meeting was in Bilderberg. They get more coverage each time they meet because they're so secretive about what they're doing. They say they're meeting to discuss international harmony and the peaceful resolution of our problems, but no one's allowed to hear what they're talking about. 

 

DARE

Would giving away the Bilderberger's secrets make them more benign? 

 

WILSON

No, it would just make them more paranoid, more devious. My business is not to expose but to collect comparative exposes so that the readers can see that conspiracy is normal behavior and that there's no one big conspiracy that runs everything.

    In the '30s, the Nazis were very much into the theory that the Jewish bankers controlled everything, and that led to such horror that it became forbidden to think about conspiracies at all for decades thereafter. The first people who said there was a conspiracy in the Kennedy assassination were all denounced as obstinate nut cases and wandering loonies. My attitude, after looking at the evidence for a long time, is that there is no one big conspiracy, that the historians who refuse to admit conspiracy as a factor in history are just over-reacting to stupid conspiracy theories.

    There really are conspiracies of varying sizes, but they're so busy fighting each other that they have nothing to do with us. Most of them are for monetary reasons. There are conspiracies to decide whose book is going to be reviewed on page one of the New York Times or the Herald Tribune. Often it's the same book in both, more often than coincidence or even synchronicity can account for. There are commercial conspiracies to fix prices. Some have ideology or mysticism behind them. I don't think you can understand history until you understand the element of poetic whimsy and sheer irrationality in the minds of so called practical people.

    In WW2, both Churchill and Hitler thought they were in direct communication with God. So did MacArthur and Patton. Hitler and Mussolini both outlawed Freemasonry in Germany and Italy. The leaders of the war against them were Roosevelt, a 33rd degree Freemason, Churchill, another high ranking Freemason, Hoover, the head of the secret police in America was a 33rd degree Freemason 

 

DARE

What exactly to those degrees stand for? 

 

WILSON

They indicate how many initiations you've gone through. Actually, any Freemason who is nominated to the presidency of the United States gets elevated to the 32nd degree right away. Then if he's elected, he's given the 33rd degree, which is only honorary. The 32nd degree in mainly concerned with the Knights of Malta, who are the enemies of Freemasonry.

    The Freemasons claim that the Knights of Malta have sworn an oath to stamp out liberalism, free thought, and restore the total reign of tyranny and superstition that existed in the dark ages. It's a secret society within the Catholic Church that doesn't seek publicity at all. Very little is known about it. William Casey of the CIA was a Knight of Malta, Alexander Haig is a Knight of Malta. According to Gordon Thomas, an English journalist, the Knights of Malta now act as couriers between the Vatican and the CIA. His theory is very complicated, but it illustrates how conspiracies operate in the real world as distinguished from paranoid fantasy.

    The Gray Wolves are a Muslim fundamentalist group who deal heroin to get money to buy arms to carry on their campaign to exterminate Israel. They've been very involved in gunrunning because they have a link with the Bulgarian secret police, who are very much into selling munitions underground. The KGB uses the Gray Wolves for operations that, if they're ever blown, can't be traced back to Russia. Roberto Calvi of Banco Abrosiano was taking a great deal of this heroin money from the Gray Wolves and the mafia and running it through the Vatican Bank, which doesn't have to show records to anybody. The Italian government can't examine their records, it belongs to the government of the state of the Vatican, so they're the only ones who can look at their own books. If you can get illicit money into the Vatican Bank, it disappears forever, nobody can find any trace of it.

    The Gray Wolves had a grudge against the Pope because of his involvement with Calvi, who embezzled so much money that everybody got swindled. He was found hanging from a bridge in London, his secretary was pushed from a window at Banco Abrosiano the same day, a few more executives have died mysteriously since then. Calvi's partner in the swindles, Michele Sindona, was convicted in this country of 65 counts of stock and currency fraud and faking his own kidnapping to escape prosecution. Back in Italy, he was convicted of the murder of the examiner hired to investigate his bank. After that they were going to put him on trial for conspiracy in 80 murders, but he was poisoned in his cell. All of this is part of how the Bulgarian secret police hired a killer from the Gray Wolves to get the Pope. 

 

DARE

Isn't the Pope just a figurehead without much power, sort of the Gerald Ford of the Vatican? 

 

WILSON

That's not true, the Pope does have a lot of power. Consider the case of Pope John Paul I. He was a rebel who didn't like the way the church was being run, and in 1978 he announced that he would be going through a complete overhaul, throwing out a lot of the old crowd and bringing in new people. Observatori Politico sent him a list of 115 Freemasons in the Vatican, including members of P2, who had infiltrated 900 members into the Italian Government, including the secret police. John Paul ordered an investigation, and within a few days he was mysteriously found dead.

    The Vatican has never shown a death certificate and no autopsy was performed. They told two different stories about who found him dead, things disappeared out of his bedroom that have never been accounted for, including his will, his medicine bottle, and his glasses. Pecorelli, the editor of Observatori Politico who sent him the list of P2 and other Freemason members in the Vatican, was shot to death through the mouth, Mafia fashion, on the streets of Rome a few weeks later. You can't explain that in terms of one big conspiracy, there are obviously interlocking and feuding conspiracies - the Mafia, P2, the Freemasons, the Bulgarian secret police, the CIA, and God knows who else.

    Liccio Gelli, the grandmaster of the P2 Lodge, was on the payroll of the CIA and the KGB. He was that kind of operator. He disappeared from Italy, which shows how many friends he had in the police. He showed up in Switzerland a few months later to take some money out of a bank account, and he was recognized and arrested. The Swiss put him in a maximum security prison but he was out within two days. One guard claimed he was hypnotized. The fascinating thing is that if you look at pictures of Reagan's second inaugural, you'll see Liccio Gelli right next to Reagan.

    Most of this information can be found in two books, In God's Name by David Yallop, and In Banks We Trust by Penny Lernoux, which explains how the whole international banking system interlinks with the heroin and cocaine laundering business that the Vatican has been running. 

 

DARE

Are you saying the Pope is a drug dealer? 

 

WILSON  The biggest drug laundromat ever busted in this country was the World Finance Corporation in Miami. The president and several other senior executives were convicted. Two directors of the bank were allegedly former CIA agents, but the prosecutors were blocked in Washington when they tried to investigate the connections between the bank and the CIA.

    In any case, the WFC had all this money going into it from South American countries that are in the cocaine business, and they sent it to the CIS Alpine Bank in the Bahamas, which is owned by Archbishop Marcinkus who runs the Vatican Bank, which is where the money ended up. After that it's in a black hole, it disappears from human vision forever, most likely ending up in Swiss bank accounts. The profits from this go towards keeping those dictators in power, maintaining the secret police and the death squads.

    After the second world war, Liccio Gelli was shrewd enough to start an escape route for Nazi war criminals, getting them to South America for a fee, giving them new identities, and complete cover. He kept in touch with them as they found jobs as organizers of the death squads, doing the same sort of things they did in the '40s, only now they're doing it for Ronald Reagan and the money is going into the Vatican Bank. Obviously you can't run a church on just Hail Marys.

    The only reason cocaine is illegal is because there's so much money to be made out of it while it's illegal. If it were legal, the prices would go way down. 

 

DARE

So Nancy Reagan's whole JUST SAY NO campaign is just a ploy to keep the prices up? 

 

WILSON

Or sheer stupidity. There's so much money in the cocaine business that a lot of Latin American governments depend on it for their survival. The CIA has been in the cocaine business for 20 or 30 years now, and it's very useful for them to keep it illegal. That way they can use it as a form of currency that doesn't leave any records. When you hear about big cocaine busts, those are just renegades, the entrepreneurs who were trying to work outside of the system. 

 

DARE

You've painted a rather bleak picture of a conspiratorial world. Are there any positive actions we can take to change things? 

 

WILSON  In my books, I'm trying to show people how to free their own minds. I think that's the first step. People have got to become less mechanical and more aware. My books are all constructed as mindfucks, to get the readers to open their brains up, receive new signals, and come out of their conditioned patterns of thought and perceptions.

    There are a lot of Utopian ideas in my books that I don't think are impractical at all. I call them Utopian because they're beyond anything the human race has achieved in the past, but we're moving incredibly fast. I think there are changes right ahead of us that are even bigger than the industrial revolution. The human life span will be doubled by the year 2000 and quadrupled by 2010. One man flew the Atlantic in 1928, 200 million flew the Atlantic in 1978. Taking that fifty year time span as a model, people started going into space in the 1960s so by 2010 we should have 200 million going into space every year. 

 

DARE

Are there any existing political systems you admire? 

 

WILSON

Scandinavian socialism. I found the Scandinavians to be about the most admirable people in Europe. clean streets, a low crime rate, a general air of high civilization - luxuries for all and a total absence of slums, poverty, and ugliness. They seem very happy and productive, with one of the most way out futurist movements in the world. They're the California of Europe.

    I hate to sound like a Marxist, which I'm not, but the reason you haven't heard about Scandinavian Socialism is because the media of this country is controlled by rich people who are scared shitless of socialism. They want Americans to think there's only one type of socialism, Soviet Communism, which is the kind of place where dissident scientists get thrown in lunatic asylums, all of which is true. Americans are paranoid about Russians but Scandinavians regard them with amusement; they're those backwards people who think that you can only have socialism by putting all the poets and painters in jail. The Scandinavians reward their poets and they don't put anyone in jail for dissident political opinions. 

 

DARE

Aren't you scared of getting in trouble, of finally saying the one thing you shouldn't have said? 

 

WILSON

We're all living in a world in which one cannot apply one's highest ideals without getting into a lot of trouble. I've gotten in trouble, but I haven't gone to jail, which shows I may have more common sense than Tim Leary. I certainly don't claim to be more intelligent than him. He's the most intelligent human being I've ever encountered. 

 

DARE

Do you share his conclusions about LSD? 

 

WILSON

LSD breaks up habitual circuits of the brain. It opens new circuits, breaks down old circuits, and there's no evidence whatsoever that it destroys brain cells. LSD is very much a metaprogramming device, it changes the basic programs, that's why it's dangerous. It creates acute paranoid states in bureaucrats who've never used it.

    To get the best out of it needs a scientific or religious approach, one or the other. People who are just tripping for the fun of it are more likely to imprint a whole new reality tunnel or personality on themselves that they weren't looking for. If you're going to do LSD, you should decide the changes you're aiming at and structure the trip to lead to that kind of change.

    There's no doubt that you can change every part of your personality with LSD, that's why Leary calls it a reimprinting drug. It changes basic imprints which are much more rigid than conditioning. There's no doubt that I am a different person than I am before I took it.

    I was a statistical materialist before I started experimenting with LSD, that is I didn't believe the laws of the universe were absolutely deterministic because I knew enough quantum mechanics to know that it broke them down. But I was still a statistical materialist, everything could be explained by the accidental permutations of little hunks of energy that solidify into matter. I was perfectly satisfied with that explanation of the universe, and I never realized that I was as dogmatic about it as any Catholic was about their faith. After LSD impacted on me, I became a total agnostic, and I'm not dogmatic about anything any more. I know that every system I make up is my own brain making up a system. None of the systems is big enough to include the whole universe, so all of my beliefs are only relatively true. Some are undoubtedly wrong because I'm not that brilliant that I never make a mistake.

    There are a lot of people who don't realize how conceited they are. By asserting with such certitude the things they believe in, they don't realize that they're saying "I'm the smartest person in the world, I can answer all the questions." People like Carl Sagan. I just don't know how he can be so sure of everything when, by and large, the more intelligent you get, the more you realize you can't be sure of anything. 

 

DARE

Since Newtonian physics don't apply to sub-atomic particles, how can you apply logic on the quantum level to objective reality? 

 

WILSON

There's a lot of disagreement among quantum physicists on that subject, but I am very interested in, and almost believe, the school that includes David Boem, who was driven out of the United States during the McCarthy era, and considered the most brilliant pupil of J. Robert Oppenheimer.

    There is a non-locality principal in quantum mechanics, which means that things are correlated even if they're not connected mechanically or by energy transmissions. Up until this was discovered, everything in physics could be explained by energy transfers. You hear me because sound waves move from my voice to your ear, and so on.

    Then they discovered that there were things that were moving in harmony with each other, and that there was no way that energy could be getting between them. Energy can't move faster than speed of light, and yet these actions were instantaneously correlated. There are several approaches towards understanding non-locality, but, as Schroedinger put it, the sum total of all minds is one. The appearance of separate egos is only a hallucination, like that of the flatness of the earth or the movement of the sun around the earth. These ideas have all been corrected, and the idea that we're different from the animals has created mass hysteria. The appearance of separate egos is a hallucination. We are all facets of one mind. 

 

DARE

But it's a necessary hallucination. You can't play chess with yourself. 

 

WILSON

It's necessary for the game on this planet that every organism have a sense of self and a sense of the hive, the pack, it's us against the rest of them out there. Antland Uber Alles is the song the ants sing in T.H. White's Merlin stories, and every gene pool has that basic philosophy, just as every individual has its "self". You can go through consciousness alterations by means of yoga, certain types of shamanic magic, and various drugs that teach you how to identify with the gene pool instead of your private ego. You can get beyond that and identify with the whole biosphere. 

 

DARE

Can you actually affect your own genetic structure so that these structural changes can be passed on to other generations? 

 

WILSON

I tend to believe in Sheldrake's morpho-genetic field, in which he proposes that there's a non-local connection in biology too. Biologists are denouncing him as a nut and a heretic. Though the first two experiments to check Sheldrake have tended to very strongly support him, they've been ruthlessly criticized.

    It makes sense that if you've got non-local connections in physics that you could have them in biology too. Freud and Jung and Leary have all tried to account for racial memory or our ability to remember past lives. They've had to posit that somehow genes are carrying information from one organism to its descendents, but this part of modern psychology has always been rejected by biologists because there's lots of evidence that genes can't do that. Freud had racial memory, Jung had the collective unconscious, Leary has the neurogenetic circuit, but there's no way any of it can work mechanically, and that's why biologists reject it. The only way it can work is with Sheldrake's non-local morpho-genetic field, which, if it exists, would let me send signals that will be able to effect the genes of future generations, and not just those directly descended from me. I can control the direction of evolution through thought forms I'm putting out, and so can everybody else.

    People can't stay in their old reality tunnels any longer, they've got to start accelerating their brain activity. Very specifically, a world full of Islamic fundamentalists, Protestant fundamentalists, dogmatic Marxists, and Reaganite chauvinist Americans is moving us closer and closer to World War III, and the only thing that's going to head that off is if people stop being midwestern methodist bankers or Shuto computer executives or Muslim heroin smugglers and develop a bigger identity. They've got to get out of these narrow little trips. Buckminster Fuller used to say that one of the consequences of the traditional game is nationalism. Planet earth is a spaceship with 150 independent and sovereign admirals all steering in different directions. 

 

DARE

What is the next stage in evolution? 

 

WILSON

The model I use is adapted from Leary. The oral-bio-survival circuit is what the amoebas operate on - taste everything. Babies operate on that too. That's the circuit we go back to whenever we're in danger, and depending on what we imprinted there, we will either attack or run away.

    Then there's Freud's anal circuit, which has to do with claiming territory and status within it. That's when we go through the mammalian rituals concerning who runs the family, outsmarting our brothers and sisters and trying to run the whole show, imprinting our domination and submission reflexes. It's why people can hold jobs; their boss becomes a father substitute and they attach all their reflexes to him.

    Next there's the rational circuit in which we do our abstract reasoning with words and mathematics, and the sociosexual circuit where we imprint the pattern of how we relate to people; with what degree of amity or sexuality. Everybody has a different imprint, and society has only one general set of rules, so everybody is a heretic as far as that circuit is concerned. Those four circuits are the natural child, the adoptive child, the adult, and the parent in Berne's system.

    Beyond that is the neurosomatic circuit, where, through yoga or drugs or body work like Rolfing, one gimmick or another, you are able to turn on to your own body in a new way, and instead of just reacting to the conditioned and imprinted programs on the first four circuits, you are able to relax and go with the flow and enjoy life.

    The sixth circuit is the neurogenetic circuit, which has to do with morpho-genetic resonances, coming in contact with the experience and religious symbols of your ancestors, learning that they've been controlling you below the level of consciousness all your life. This is what Shamanism traditionally deals with. Jungian psychology was the first attempt to deal with it scientifically, now we've got dozens of others trying to bring people into harmony with archetypes of the collective unconscious or genetic heritage.

    The next is the metaprogramming circuit, which is learning how the brain can work on the brain, how you can imprint different identities and reality tunnels as you go along. Before you get to that circuit, you have no idea what true freedom really is, you're being manipulated all the time whether you know it or not. It's the circuit where you develop true choice. 

 

DARE

How do you get there? 

 

WILSON

If you do a lot of work on the 5th and 6th circuits, the 7th tends to click on. First you get a lot of synchronicities, meaningful coincidences, accidental reinforcement from your environment, like someone coming by to loan you a book that's exactly the one you were looking for. Jung found that his patient's dreams had more and more symbols out of Greek and Egyptian and Hindu mythology as they progressed into that circuit, even without studying them consciously. They pulled them out of the collective unconscious, which I think is actually the morphogenetic field.

    Above that there's the non-local quantum circuit, which is the circuit in which we get true out of body experiences, cosmic identification with the whole of existence.

    We're learning so much about the latter four circuits, which Leary calls the extraterrestrial circuits, that we're moving into a new stage of evolution. More people are on the fifth circuit than ever before in history, and there are growing sixth and seventh circuit minorities. It's not an accident. We're changing just as we have to change. These circuits were there, ready to be used, when we got to this point in evolution. Earlier, mankind could just coast along on the first four circuits, and only visionaries and mystics and poets ever turned on the higher circuits. Now everyone does it. 

 

DARE

How to you teach people to turn on their higher circuits? 

 

WILSON

You've got to teach with humor to make the pill palatable. Besides, humor is the essence of realizing our true situation in space and time. We are these tiny fallible beings crawling around on a relatively small planet, and anybody who pontificates dogmatically about anything is giving evidence that they are an idiot, even if you agree with them. They shouldn't sound that certain. We think we're so damn smart and we know so fucking little. 

Dick Cheney never dies but is kept alive artificially, forever, while mankind renounces his stupidity holds up his ineptitude as a symbol of all that was most worthless in humanity. Bush gets the same treatment but is forceed to listen to his own speeches, on an endless loop, forever. (FYI: Stingrays are largely harmless. There's a place in Australia where kids feed them by hand. Stingrays only attack when they are panicked.)
- Wallace Cooper

    George W. Bush: After drinking a pint of  Jim Beam , and snorting ten lines of cocaine, choked on a plastic turkey leg during an early morning photo op as 100 identical cardboard stand-ins looked on. However all was not lost because 123 5-year-old warrior gods from Jesus Camp came to their own rescue and resurrected their cardboard icon of Bush in the oval office. Business as usual they thought. However, they were unable to get the cardboard Bush icon to bend. Like I said, business as usual. (Laura was so elated of her husbands demise, she was seen dancing on the white house lawn dressed in a pink and purple poly pant suit with Barney at her side. Though she ended up stepping in sh^%$ and began to scream while attempting to click the sh%# laden heels of her sensible shoes 3 times, while at the same time shouting "There's no place like Home..." Home Land Security, that is. She lay waiting for 3 days for help. No one arrived and she eventually starved to death while laying in Sh%$. No funeral arrangements were ever made and no monument was erected for either of them. 
    Dick Cheney: His Pace Maker became erratic during a highly sensitive and classified microwave non-lethal weapons test on quails. Being the avid sportsman and opportunist, Cheney decided to set the pace of the weapons test by practicing his hunting skills.  His arms jerked upward. Gun went off and he fatally shot himself in the face. His body was taken to an undisclosed location. In leu of flowers......send money to Lynne Cheney c/o Cayman Islands. No funeral arrangements were ever made and no monument was erected. 
    Donald Rumsfeld: Lost muscle control in his arthritic  fingers during a propaganda speech on how well  the war on terror was  going. Rumsfeld's  hands became extremely animated than ever before as his hands pointed at himself .  He repeatedly poked  the hell out of his own eyes in 3 Stooges fashion until they fell to floor and exploded, emitting a bio gas that only his eyes could  see and only  he was  effected by. And as in the past, his last words did not make any sense so no one bothered to record them. Cause of death?  Unknown- Knowns. No funeral arrangements were ever made and no monument was erected. 
    Condi Rice: Woke up one morning and looked into the mirror, only to find that her dreams had come true... Condi, at last looked white on the outside as well as inside. On her way to New Orleans for the Katrina anniversary, dressed in a St. John suit and a very stunning pair of Prada's, Condi announced, "We're sorry but, we could not have anticipated..." However, she was unable to finish her sentence as thousands of New Orleans residents re-entered the city and doused her with the toxic soup that no one in the White House could have anticipated would still be laying around. They all shouted "Anticipate this" as the tsunami engulfed Condi. Her last words were, "I'm melting..." Everyone began to sing in jubilation all over the world, "Ding Dong the witch is dead..." All that was left of Condi was a pair of red super-duper pointed Pradas. The residents of New Orleans left her shoes for weeks at the base of the podium until they too finally decomposed. No funeral arrangements were ever made and no monument was erected. 
    Karl Rove: Met his demise in a kinky DC hot spot wearing nothing but a black leather mask  with matching leather T back and red high top sneakers. Story goes, he became entangled in his own whip and fell off the stage in which he was strutting, sustaining multiple fatal blows. No  funeral arrangements were made and due to the illegality of the DC Hot Spot, no monument was erected.
- Jude Rouslin

    Mel Gibson: Nibbled to death over a period of weeks by a single rat.

    Arnold Schwartzenegger: pounded into the ground by someone even bigger.
    Sean Connery: in bed with 200 busty bimbos. On his 3rd pass!
    George W.: killed while trying to actually land on an aircraft carrier.
Your faithful reader,
- Jed Closson

Jesus: After his resurrection, sentenced to death for terrorist activities and executed by lethal injection. Future Christians take off their crosses and start wearing hypodermic needles around their necks.

- Muhammed

 

    Paris Hilton: bites the big one while, well, biting a big one.
    Karl Rove: pummeled to death with a frozen mackerel by George Bush while freaking out on Psilocybin during a Rovean "mind meld." Brain removed and eaten. Doesn't help.
    Tom Cruise: smothered by rebellious Katie Holmes who refuses both to lose any more weight and to be impregnated again by a turkey baster filled while Tom was jerking his bullet-sized penis over pictures of L. Ron Hubbard in the Navy.
    George Bush: only American casualty of bird flu. Goes through all 80 million doses our tax dollars bought from a company owned in part by his personal friend Donald Rumsfeld; none of them work.
    Dick Cheney: thrown down some sort of outerspace wishing well by a repentant Darth Vader. May or may not be back.
    Ronald McDonald: anal rupture after being forcibly sodomized by Grimace, who finally reveals he was just one giant set of homosexual blue balls.
    Katie Couric: her impish grin finally collapses under its own weight, taking the rest of her face and eventually the underlying blood vessels with it leading to massive but perky hemorrhaging.
    Rosie O'Donnell: suffocates in Joy Behar's luscious cleavage beneath mistletoe at her first "View" office Christmas party.
    David Letterman: turned to stone after being flashed by delusional Bette Midler thinking she's Drew Barrymore.
    Jay Leno: opens mouth too wide, impales heart on own chinbone.
    Johnny Depp: smells one too many unidentified substances and keels over. Cause of death officially list as "acute over-stinkification."
    Pete Townsend and Roger Daltry: old age. (what? You didn't see that coming?)
    Adam Sandler: audience sobers up, grows up, throws up, rises up in a torchlit mob and hunts him down while collective chanting, "What were we THINKING?"
    Bob Dylan: Killed by a jealous Tom Petty tired of being the SECOND-whiniest singer in the world.
    Barry Bonds: steroid-induced testicular shrinkage collapses into a black hole in his crotch. He disappears into a singularity, as do his former records.
    Some nameless little girl: fecal poisoning after being mistaken for the US Constitution by George Bush.
    Tiger Woods: white wife allowed to play with him at Augusta National; collapses in shock; blames everyone but himself for not bringing his "A" game with last words.
    Angelina Jolie: turns into a small blob of pure sexual energy after drinking mixture of her own menstrual blood and six months of unwashed sweat squeezed from Brad Pitt's t-shirt.
    Bill Clinton: becomes America's first "First Husband" and is shot by an apoplectic Rush Limbaugh.
    Tom Jones: smothered under a mountain of Depends thrown onstage.
    William Shatner: eaten by rabid badger mistaken for own toupee.
    Stevie Wonder: he's BLIND. There are all kinds of things he could stumble over, against or into.
    Paula Abdul: disagrees with Simon one time too many; body never recovered.
    All the remaining Rap stars: sickened by the number of fuzzy little white people trying to be them, collectively move to India and try to atone for all the bad karma their attempts at music have generated.
    Sandra Bullock: I think she may already be dead, I haven't seen her in years. Sandra, babe, I'm only sixty miles away, if you're reading this, CALL ME.
- Jimmy McConnell

    George W. Bush: a slip of the tongue or an enraged firecracker-wielding toad.

    Connecticut 'Independent' Joe Lieberman: no doubt, from driving on the wrong side of the road.

    Sean Hannity: what else, drowned by cheap hair oil and sheer vanity while an angry mob of factual footnotes directs him to the bottomless pit.

    Ann Coulter: rampant insanity.
    Bill O'Reilly: vanishes inside his own mouth.

    Jerry Falwell will get his bell rung by Jeffersonian liberty, while Pat Robertson is crucified way down South, and Jim Dobson strangles on a piece of piety.
    Pal Rummy: run down by an unarmored Hummer as Dick the Cheney sinks in a Baghdad bog
    But, hold on, it gets much dumber:
    Paris Hilton chokes on a piece of hot dog while Orrin Hatch is smothered by her beaver and Bill Frist gasps his last from a bout of cat scratch fever.
    Madonna: dies from over-exposure.

    Wacko Jacko: when the tabloids tire.

    Bill Gates: operating system freezes up.

    Conan O'Brian: from his Tonight Show hire.
    Alanis Morrisette: crushed by a lack of irony.
    Condi: because she's just such a liar.
    Rick Santorum: burned at the stake.
    George Allen: attacked by Old World monkeys.

    Tom Cruise: squashed by a UFO, as is Kate.

    The Donald: gets fired by his flunkies.
    Osama: permanently disappears in a cave somewhere near Tora Bora.

    And, finally, for his inebriated disrespect for the people of the Torah, a drunken Mel Gibson will stumble, fall, and fatally impale himself on a menorah.
- RS Janes

Ted Kennedy gets hit by a drunk driver while on a bridge.
- robsplus1

Michael Hutchence: coroner denies it was auto eroticism asphyxiation but... all the clues are there.  He was way too desirable to be jacking himself off in a hotel room rather than having a good shag.
- jacqueline

    OJ: accidently nicks an artery while shaving and bleeds to death.
    Nicole Richie: choking on a sandwich
- Doris V. Berry

    Ann Coulter: suffocates by having her head way too far up her ass one too many times.
    Rush Limbaugh: uh...ironically the same thing.
- Lobe Tektern

In his quest to reach the state of 'Operating Thetan', Tom Cruise agitates a passing psychologist and is stabbed in the chest with a 'Tone Scale'
- Paul L. Bata

    George Bush: swallowed whole by a sinkhole or murdered by gay lover.
    Bill Clinton: syphilis.
    Hillary Clinton: syphilis.
    John McCain: tortured to death by US forces mistakening him for an enemy combatant.
    Joe Lieberman: electrocuted by a malfunctioning touch screen voting machine.
    Senator Rick Santorum: AIDS.
    Laura Bush: overdose.
    Pat Robertson: stoned to death by zealots.
    Osama bin Laden: old age.
    Rudy Giuliani: mob hit.
    Dick Cheney: hunting accident.
    Jay Leno: crushed under weight of own ego.
    Dave Letterman: driving accident.
    Ann Coulter: raped and pillaged to death by Christians.
    Television star, Lassie: raped and pillaged to death by Rick Santorum.
    Palantir: struck in the head by large glowing orb.
- Chris McFarland

    Ronald Reagan: from Alzheimer's...

    Keith Richards: from withdrawal...

    Rush Limbaugh: from intestinal blockage...

    Rev. Ralph Phelps: from AIDS... ok, that last one isn't funny... no one should die of AIDS... but... still...)
- james and Katherine Allard

    TOM CRUISE: OD's ON PROZAC.

    R KELLY: GETS AIDS FROM FUCKING BLEEP.

    RUSH LIMBAUGH: CHOKES TO DEATH ON HIS OWN DICK.

    ANN COULTER: DIES OF CONSTIPATION.

    DICK CHENEY: SWALLOWS A 28 GAUGE SHOTGUN.

    GEORGE BUSH: EATING A PRETZEL.
- JD

New York's Governor, Nelson Rockefeller was having an extra-marital affair!
He came and went at the same time!
He had a massive heart attack at the time of orgasm!

Hugs with gratitude for Disinfotainment and its author,
Sincerely,
Malcolm Blue

 
    OJ Simpson: dead from a cut sustained while preparing food with a kitchen knife, bled to death while driving 25 mph to the nearest hospital.
    Judith Miller of the NY Times: dies from a codeine reaction after refusing to inform her doctor of an allergy.
    Ronald MacDonald: dies from clogged arteries.
    Magician David Blaine: dies after driving off a bridge into water and is unable to escape before drowning.
    Wile E. Coyote: dies from salmonella after finally dining on roadrunner.
- Locke
 
I certainly could imagine having Grover Norquist discovered drowned in a government owned bathtub strangely appropriate. 
- El H.

George Bush: drowns in a babtismal.
- Larry White

A 300 lb barbell slips and crushes Schwarzenegger’s trachea.
- Patrick Monteleone

Instead of being consumed into wraithhood by AIDS, it would have been so much more poetic if John Holmes had gagged to death on Long Dong Silver's dick (G_d, I miss depleting my quarter-count on all those old Super-8 films!).
- DanD

    Oprah Winfrey: Chokes To Death On Buffalo Nickel (Last Words: "These Ain't That Hot")
    Tom Cruise: Dead In Closet (Investigators Believe The Cause To Be Autoerotic Asphyxiation)

    Osama bin Laden: Found Dead In Spelunking Accident
- Ed Lynn

    The nation experienced dual shocks today upon learning of the death of Deputy Fuhrer Penis Cheney due to Cardial Ossification. [His heart quite literally turned to stone - Ed.]  And the tragic loss of Paul Reubens, aka Pee Wee Herman, when he was fellated to death by Pamela Anderson. Ms. Anderson is being held in lieu of $50 bond in the Twin Towers Correctional Facility in Los Angeles. A trial is not expected as Ms. Anderson is suffering a terminal case of Elemental Butt Crusties.
    In other news, Paris Hilton remains in serious yet stabilized condition after severe dehydration following a monumental crying tantrum resultant from learning Tom Cruise was unaware of her existence. 

    On a lighter note, the Dixie Chicks have agreed to a world peace tour sponsored by recent California Lottery winner Michael Dare. Mr. Dare, at a loss on how to begin spending the largest lottery jackpot in United States history, announced he would sponsor a free concert to tour world wide promoting international peace.
- dv8ed

Tom Cruise killed by a couch being unloaded from a truck
- khaching