They've got a lot in common, religion and myth. Both tell a primal story of good and bad from long ago, passed down from generation to generation, in many cases by word of mouth and instantly transmutable. Both teach a lesson. Both have variations and both are integral parts of our history that demand our attention. Both are about things people used to believe.
They used to have different Gods for everything, assigning total Godlike stature upon anything they didn't understand. Lightning must have freaked them out. What the hell was THAT? A giant bolt of fire comes from the sky, but only when it's raining. It wasn't until the eighteenth century when Benjamin Franklin flew a kite (religion or myth?) that mankind gained an understanding of the link between lightning and electricity, that it was a totally natural and explicable phenomenon. Up until then, lightning was basically attributed to he-man Thor, God of Thunder, son of Zeus, sitting in the clouds with lightning bolts manufactured in Valhalla. There was simply no better explanation for fire from the sky till Ben came along. It's tempting to say that gay followers of Thor must have been mighty thor when they found out the truth about lightning. (Note to self: pitch "a gay assassin tries to kill Benjamin Franklin" to the WB.)
People used to believe in fairies, nymphs, and gnomes. They used to believe in Hermes, Poseidon, and Genghis Khan. They used to believe that the earth sat on the backs of turtles and they used to believe that stars told the future and bloodletting was healthful. They used to believe if you ate fish on some days and sacrificed goats on other days, a benevolent deity in the sky would reserve a space in heaven for them forever, heaven being a land with rivers of milk and honey but without seltzer to made a decent egg cream. They used to believe if you did certain bad things and didn't get caught, you'd burn in hell when you died, unless you confessed your sins to a man who was forbidden to tell anyone else, then you'd have orgasm after orgasm in the clouds forever.
Most myths started as religions and only became myths once some inconvenient science got in the way. No need to believe in Ares as the God of War now that there's Halliburton.
It once was thought that caffeine would stunt the growth of a child. A fact became myth once it was totally disproven by dozens of scientific tests, freeing us from the bonds of antiquity and letting us cram gallons of carbonated caffeine and sugar down our children's throats without a hint of regret.
People used to think there was a river of molten lava called the River Styx that circled Hades nine times before plummeting straight to hell where a crimson goatman would decide which spit you'd be roasting over for eternity. Now everyone knows that Styx is the first band to have four consecutive triple platinum albums in a row - and mankind is the better for it.
I personally used to believe that if only there were more people like me, the world would be a better place. That's a myth. There are movements of people who believe the world would be a better place if only everyone was like them, and they're willing to do anything, even kill, to make the world conform to their beliefs. That's a religion.
MD
Getting High Down Under by Paul Krassner
In 1988, I was booked to perform stand-up at Lincoln Center, sharing the stage with poet Allen Ginsberg and performance artist Karen Finley, whose infamous reputation for shoving a sweet potato up her ass preceded her appearance. Lenny Bruce had taught me by example about the magic of an opening line that intuitively articulates the consciousness of an audience. :Well," I began, "Allen Ginsberg is very disappointed. He thought that Karen Finley was gonna shove a sweet potato up his ass." A few weeks ago, 18 years later, I was looking forward to seeing Karen again. She had written a novella, George & Martha, about a one-night stand between George Bush and Martha Stewart, and I was scheduled to be on a panel about satire at the Sydney Writers Festival with her and Andy Borowitz, recipient of "the first-ever National Press Club Award for Humor" (unless, of course, that's just his idea of a joke). I flew to Los Angeles, then began a 16-hour flight to Australia, only to make a U-turn two hours into the trip because of a mechanical problem resulting in cabin pressure too low for the plane to fly at the necessary altitude. Customer Relations told me that hotel rooms were unavailable, but I got two meal vouchers which were good at any restaurant in the airport except Wolfgang Puck's and McDonald's. I spent 27 hours in the L.A. airport, alternating between attempts to sleep and dragging my luggage around. In the bathroom, it stood in front of the urinal next to the one I was using. Plus I caught up on my packet of research material. I learned that in some ways, America and Australia are similar - they are the only two countries in the world to reject the Kyoto Accords on Global Warming. And in other ways, they're different--in America, seven states (including Alabama and Texas) have banned the sale of sex toys, whereas in Australia, prostitutes, strippers and lap dancers can claim tax deductions for sex toys. The next night, Tuesday, May 23rd, I left again on the same flight, arriving on the morning of Thursday, May 25th, airport-and-jet-lagged. After shaving and showering in my hotel room, it was time to leave for a panel on obscenity and censorship at the Sydney Theater. That afternoon, I performed at a cabaret, and a member of the audience kindly slipped me a generous package of pot. I immediately bought Tally-Ho rolling papers and a lighter with a smiley face, returned to the hotel, got stoned, ate dinner, watched CNN and fell asleep. When I woke up, Friday's Sydney Morning Herald was waiting outside my door. In a front-page review, I was described as "the star entertainer on obscenity... He is about to test religious tolerance with a sex scene he is writing between Jesus and Mary Magdalene. She screams, 'Oh, God!' And He replies, 'Yes?'" In 1962, Lenny Bruce had been kicked out of Australia for obscenity and blasphemy. Now I felt as if I had avenged him. This would be my day off, except for a few media appearances. It was always fun to hear a distinguished interviewer carefully enunciate the title of my book, One Hand Jerking. One interviewer would only state the subtitle, Reports From an Investigative Satirist. I had the whole afternoon free to explore the wharf. After a bowl of pumpkin soup, I was drawn toward an area in the park by the sound of a voice on a P.A. system. May 26th happened to be an annual gathering, a commemoration called Sorry Day. On that date in 1997, Australia was shocked by an official report that detailed anguishing evidence of the removal of - that is, kidnapping from their families and placing them in white homes--some 30,000 Aboriginal children over the years. They are known as The Stolen Generations. [There's an incredible film about this called Rabbit Proof Fence. -MD-] There was nothing in the press before or after this poignant event, but that evening I talked about it on a live show. "Terrorism," I concluded, "begins at home." I even brought up the subject during the satire panel. I was wearing a Sorry Day T-shirt acknowledging "Australia's Hidden Agenda: Assimilation, Genocide, What's Not Talked About." When I bought that T-shirt, I asked what sizes it came in. The answer was, "Large, Extra Large, and Extra Extra Large." I told the audience that "I felt like I was in Starbucks. Talk about assimilation..." Around 15 years ago, I met an American who owned a ranch in Australia. He told me about an Aboriginal child he knew who slept on a bed made of leaves and twigs, but he went to a school where they had two computers, run by a generator. He had already broken the code at MIT, and his next experiment would be the Pentagon. Now he was a young man and, since I was visiting Australia, I had hoped to track him down and find out what he was up to, but unfortunately it was too late. I had to return to the United States. I left Sydney on Monday afternoon, May 29th, and arrived in Los Angeles on Monday morning, May 29th. I had given away the remainder of my stash, but I kept the lighter and rolling papers. At the appropriate point in that pack, there was an ungummed, maroon rolling paper to remind customers, "When you've got 10 to go, just say Tally-Ho."
What if somebody in the White House or Pentagon - whether on a lark, a whim, a landgrab, or sincere attempt to spread democracy - decided the next country they wanted to invade was Sudan? After all, it's the largest country in Africa, borders the Red Sea, has large oil reserves, one of the three largest deposits of high-purity uranium in the world, and the fourth-largest deposits of copper. According to the CIA, they've got 0 natural gas consumption with 84.95 billion cubic meters in reserve. Sudan has $2.52 billion in gold reserves to offset $18.15 billion in debt. Of their 86 airports, only 14 are paved, the entire country has one internet provider and one FM station, and their capital, Khartoum, sounds like a character in the latest Pixar production. Wouldn't it be cute to just take it over without force, to actually be invited to move in? What would the Bush Family Evil Empire do to capture such a prize?
They would do what they do best, invent reasons to invade. They would try to justify such an invasion any way they could, and what better way than by starting a crisis that demanded international intervention? Famines are always good but ethnic cleansing's so much easier to achieve. Starting a famine requires weather modification and the interruption of traditional food routes, certainly possible, but all it takes to start an ethnic cleansing that changes an "invasion" to a "humanitarian effort" is to funnel arms to a homicidal madman like Sudan President Field Marshal Umar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir. That's what we're particularly good at.
Using this technique, the BFEE could get gullible lefties like George Clooney to do their dirty PR work for them, actually demanding intervention in Darfur. Then the BFEE could get to act like they're reluctant to do what they'd been wanting and planning to do in the first place. Might I point out that U.S. Ambassador to the UN John Bolton, former Secretary of State Gen. Colin Powell, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Gen. Wesley Clark, and British Prime Minister Tony Blair have all argued in favor of intervention in Sudan? According to Sara Flounders' The U.S. Role in Darfur, Sudan, their solution is to demand the United Nations impose sanctions on one of the poorest countries on earth and that U.S. troops be sent there as "peacekeepers."
Read 'em and weep, my friends. George Clooney and his pals are Hollywood dupes unwittingly helping the cause of neocon imperialism.
This devious plan is going to work and all it took was a few hundred thousand deaths, millions of refugees, and an Academy award for Clooney. Hell, those pesky Sudanese would have died anyway in a "war" anyway.
You don't think somebody in the White House or Pentagon is that smart and ruthless? To quote The Godfather, "Now who's being naive?" Hey, I'm a demented figment of someone's imagination and even I figured it out.
"[T]here were two primary objectives of my work. First, I was to justify huge international loans that would funnel money back to MAIN [Chas. T. Main Inc.] and other U.S. companies (such as Bechtel, Halliburton, Stone & Webster, and Brown & Root) through massive engineering and construction projects. Second, I would work to bankrupt the countries that received those loans (after they had paid MAIN and the other U.S. contractors, of course) so that they would be forever beholden to their creditors, and so they would present easy targets when we needed favors, including military bases, UN votes, or access to oil and other natural resources."
- John Perkins: Confessions of an Economic Hit Man -
Debunk of the Week
Mr. Conspiracy is full of shit. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He describes himself as a demented figment of someone's imagination without bothering to explain who that someone is. I say HE'S the Hollywood dupe. He's attacking the sincerity of the magnificent George Clooney, whose only interest in Darfur is purely humanitarian, in an effort to shift the blame away from the terrorists who threaten this nation with their sharias and fatwahs. I think it's safe to say that if Mr. Conspiracy and George Clooney were to come face to face, Clooney would knock him sillier than a bag of imaginary weapons. The next time Mr. Conspiracy feels like venting his paranoid frustration, he should try imagining a demented figment of my imaginary boot up his ass. Try writing Confessions of an Ergonomic Douchebag, Mr. Conspiracy. That's where your head is.
- I. Rate Citizen -
Google Smackdown of the Week
vs.
and the winner is "You're giving me a headache" by 923.
Mission Accomplished Redux
by Steve Pizzo
I just wanted to drop you all a note to ask the rhetorical question: "How do you show respect for the sovereignty of another nation?"
Well, if you are George W. Bush you drop in on that country's new Prime Minister, uninvited and unannounced, and to show just how little regard in which you hold the Iraqi government, you arrive with an invited world media in tow as well.
Bush's surprise visit to Baghdad today shows that Mission Accomplished Man (MAM), while shamed into temporary silence, is back. All it took was the killing of Iraq's top terrorist leader to resurrect MAM. Bush simply couldn't resist showing up in Iraq three days after bagging al Zarqawi. MAM simply had to show up at the scene of this rare accomplishment. It was MAM's way of tap dancing on al Zarqawi's grave. Mission accomplished.
Okay, fine. Maybe MAM deserved another little victory dance. After all, Zarqawi was a world-class psychopath and mankind is better off that he's dead. The only trouble is Bush's unannounced visit comes at the very moment Iraq's newly elected and formed government is trying its best to show that they - and not the US - is in charge of their country.
The Iraqi people will certainly not miss the points made by the timing and manner of Bush's visit. It will go something like this:
The President of the United States figures he can come and go from Iraq as he pleases, whenever he pleases and without so much as a "Mother may I?"
What a fool Bush made of Iraq's newly minted Prime Minister with his second MAM stunt. Poor old Al-Maliki wasn't even told Bush was in his country until five minutes before MAM strode into the Iraqi Parliament as though he owned the joint. Video cameras rolled, still cameras flashed and reporters scurried around to get their best shot of the Iraqi Prime Minister, who looked like the proverbial deer in the headlights - which he pretty much was.
And how will the Iraqi people interrupt the 5-minute heads-up to their new leader? "We may support you, but we sure as hell don't trust you."
MAM put on his best Texas grin, grabbed Maliki's hand and chirped, "Hey, thanks for having me."
The look on Maliki's face read something like this: "Like I had a choice?"
What we have in translation of what the Buddha said consists of the work of now dozens of translators. The original work consists of 84,000 suttas (not a mythical number, but about accurate... I have counted). The four oldest 'books' (The Digha, the Majjhima, the Samyutta and the Anguttara) are all huge, multi-volume works. It would be very helpful to those of us who would like to check your quotations if you would give a real citation rather than simply mentioning the book title in Pali. And, by the way, what you are quoting is not the Pali of the Digha, etc., it is a translation, so the proper citation should give the name of the book as translated. That would tell us the real author, the translator.
I realize most readers will care less, but it would not be much work for you to give them the name of the book and then, looking to the top of the page from which you are quoting, also adding the sutta number.
Example: The Middle Length Discourses [MLD 56] (Sutta 56 of the Bodhi/Nanamoli translation) The Middle Length Sayings [MLS 56] (Sutta 56 of the Horner translation) or:Bodhi/Nanamoli: The Middle Length Discourses, Sutta 56.
If you must, for simplicity, use the Pali name, you should at least tell us the translator and sutta number. Digha, Bodhi/Namamoli, Sutta 56
Translation is interpretation and we are not really reading what the Buddha said when we read a translation. Those of us concerned with the state of our minds do not rely on translations/interpretations, but go to the sources (the Pali) and your method of citation is not helping.
It might also be useful if you were to provide a link to a sutta when it is available on line, and many suttas are now available on line. The easiest collection to reach (and the largest) is this.
Here is a page which describes the file system set up and the filenames used are such that using them will serve in most cases as a citation. It is a simple scheme to remember (um... relative to the massive complexity of the body of literature) and if you used it it would be helpful.
Take Care!
- Michael Olds
Gardening Tip of the Week
"It took authorities nearly eight hours to forcibly clear protesters from the farm. Officials bulldozed vegetable gardens and chopped down an avocado tree to clear the way for a towering Fire Department ladder truck so the final four protesters could be plucked from a massive walnut tree. Among those aloft: protest organizer John Quigley and actress Daryl Hannah, who waved and smiled as supporters cheered her on from across the street."
Gave up my natural aversion to the computer and the Internet in 1997 and went online. It has since been the bane of my existence and prevented me from pursuing more worthy goals such as power napping and public intoxication. Like any addict, I trudge to my computer nearly each day, giving myself over to the low-powered cousin of the electronic beast that will eventually rule the world, and that has already turned much of the human race into abject slaves to its pissy error messages, risible random crashes and snarky snack dust laden techno-nerds. Now my ability to earn a living is tied to wires and a TV screen and a mouse, which should more properly be called a rat for its pernicious Bubonic-plague effect on humanity. It's too late for the likes of me but I urge future generations reading this on their 17" flat-screen monitor while they're instant messaging, reading e-mail, and secretly downloading porn at work to take the hint: Cut the soles off your shoes, live in a tree, masturbate often, and learn to play the recorder -- you'll be much better off in the long run.
- RSJ
While walking down an alley between duplex homes in the city, I walked head down into the corner of an air conditioner window unit . the unit didn't budge. the next thing I knew I was on the ground with no idea how I got there. man, that was dumb. I still have the scar.
- Chris from Boca
ps that's the stupidest thing I remember. the really stupid things have made me forget that I even did them.
Thinking Tony Blair was good for Britain.
- Paul
Tested to check which burner on the stove was on by touch. I found out, by touch, the FOURTH burner was the one.
- Locke
When I was 16/17 I once got talking to a Gypsy lady in town; and somehow she talked me into giving her 100. Not all at once though.
And, 8 years later, None of her predictions have come true - apart from the one where I will die in my sleep in my 90s (I'm still holding out hope that's true, but as an overweight non-exercising near-alcoholic smoker I somehow doubt it).
Damn you vile woman!!!!
- Nick Kent
Mike mate
It would have been telling you and therefore the world.
Though leaving the side stand down on my motorcycle and not realizing it 'till I leaned into a left hand bend at 100 mph comes close.
You don't have to wait for Exxon to start distributing ethenol. You can make it yourself with an ethenol still. You can also make your own diesel fuel for 75 cents a gallon.
Don't Take My Word for It
"First of all, when you go to apply for your first job, don't wear these robes. Medieval garb does not instill confidence in future employers - unless you're applying to be a scrivener. And if someone does offer you a job, say yes. You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.
"So, say 'yes.' In fact, say 'yes' as often as you can. When I was starting out in Chicago, doing improvisational theatre with Second City and other places, there was really only one rule I was taught about improv. That was, 'yes-and.' In this case, 'yes-and' is a verb. To 'yes-and.' I yes-and, you yes-and, he, she or it yes-ands. And yes-anding means that when you go onstage to improvise a scene with no script, you have no idea what's going to happen, maybe with someone you've never met before. To build a scene, you have to accept. To build anything onstage, you have to accept what the other improviser initiates on stage. They say you're doctors -- you're doctors. And then, you add to that: We're doctors and we're trapped in an ice cave. That's the '-and.' And then hopefully they 'yes-and' you back. You have to keep your eyes open when you do this. You have to be aware of what the other performer is offering you, so that you can agree and add to it. And through these agreements, you can improvise a scene or a one-act play. And because, by following each other's lead, neither of you are really in control. It's more of a mutual discovery than a solo adventure. What happens in a scene is often as much a surprise to you as it is to the audience.
"Well, you are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
"Now will saying 'yes' get you in trouble at times? Will saying 'yes' lead you to doing some foolish things? Yes it will. But don't be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying 'yes' begins things. Saying 'yes' is how things grow. Saying 'yes' leads to knowledge. 'Yes' is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say 'yes.'"
"Across the country, federal bankruptcy judges have begun to express frustration with the Bankruptcy and Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2005.
"'No judge is comfortable doing something they know is unjust,' says U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Leif M. Clark, of San Antonio, Texas. 'I haven't taken a survey,' he adds, 'but the critical reaction from bankruptcy judges crosses political boundaries. I've gotten feedback from a wide variety and everyone says its badly done.'
"'Unquestionably, this is the most poorly written piece of legislation that I or anyone else has ever seen,' says U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Keith M. Lundin, who has overseen cases in Tennessee since 1977. 'No one has ever seen a piece of garbage like this,' he adds. 'There's going to be the most fantastic anarchy in bankruptcy courts for years...'
"'It's such a poorly thought out piece of legislation,' says Henry E. Hildebrand, a U.S. bankruptcy trustee in Nashville, Tennessee. He currently administers about 14,000 bankruptcies, deciding when and how much debtors need to pay their creditors. 'They put too many loopholes in there,' he says. Under the old law, Hildebrand says he could force higher-income debtors filing Chapter 13 bankruptcy to give up a vacation home or car. Now, however, he says a debtor can claim that money used for car payments, even for a new Mercedes, cant be redirected to pay off other debts. Hildebrand claims these new rules were inserted at the behest of auto and home lenders, who wanted to ensure they got paid before the credit card issuers. 'The new law is good if you've got a lot of toys,' he adds."
"Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home." - David Frost -
"In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying." - Bertrand Russell -
"It has taken me years of struggle, hard work and research to learn to make one simple gesture, and I know enough about the art of writing to realize that it would take as many years of concentrated effort to write one simple, beautiful sentence."
- Isadora Duncan -
"Great intellects are skeptical."
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche -
"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."
- Barry LePatner -
"The worse of the two is he who, when abused, retaliates. One who does not retaliate wins a battle hard to win
which is why there's nothing in this issue about Ann Coulter." - Buddha: Samyutta Nikaya I, 162 as translated by Michael Dare -
"If you think the summer sun is too hot, just remember. At least you don't have to shovel it."
dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is free and may be reproduced in any form, preferably parchment. It consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's either satire or fair use.
NIALL FERGUSON: Reasons to Worry (nytimes.com)
Since becoming president, George Bush has presided over one of the steepest peacetime rises ever in the federal debt. The gross federal debt now exceeds $8.3 trillion. There are three reasons for the post-2000 increase: reduced revenue during the 2001 recession, generous tax cuts for higher income groups and increased expenditures not only on warfare abroad but also on welfare at home. And if projections from the Congressional Budget Office turn out to be correct, we are just a decade away from a $12.8 trillion debt - more than double what it was when Bush took office.
Christopher Hayes: Veronica Mars, Class Warrior: Why this teen series is smarter than you think (inthesetimes.com)
This leaves Keith and Veronica inhabiting a small apartment in a motel-like complex and struggling to make ends meet through Keith's business as a private investigator. They try to put their lives back together after the trauma of murder, professional shame and what is in American society the ultimate taboo: downward mobility. (After catching a bail-jumper, Keith triumphantly proclaims: "Tonight we eat like the lower middle class to which we aspire!")
David Bruce: Wise Up! Weddings (athensnews.com)
In 1925, Chicago Bears football player Duke Hanny wanted to skip a game so he could get married; unfortunately, his coach, George Halas, declined to let him skip the game. Big problem. Mr. Hanny showed up for the kickoff, started a fight with an opposing player just after the kickoff, was thrown out of the game, and went to his wedding. Problem solved.
Seven Cures for a Lean Purse (mdmproofing.com/iym)
FIRST CURE: Start thy purse to fattening
The stream of money that flows into and out of one's life is immense. Wealth and security can be secured from it, but only if portions of that stream are diverted. Time and again, the book's "enlightened" characters stress saving at least ten percent of your income every month, without fail. Accomplish this by setting aside that ten percent before all other expenses are considered.
Myth: People who earn more money/live in expensive homes/drive fancy cars are "richer" (hughchou.org)
No, it is the people who hold more assets that are actually richer. In general, people who earn more typically hold more assets, but that is definitely not true in many cases. You assume the folks who live in the expensive houses and drive the expensive cars are "rich". Many may hold more assets than you do, but many of them do not. Believe it or not, a good percentage of people you see driving by you in expensive cars may very well hold less net assets than you do since they may be carrying huge piles of debt.
* When Panamanian salsa singer Rubén Blades married Lisa Lebenzon, an Anglo (a white American not of Spanish descent) non-Spanish speaker, he asked her to learn Spanish so he could speak his native language at home. She finished in only seven months a Spanish course that normally took three years.
* Dr. Louis Finkelstein, chancellor of the Jewish Theological Seminary of America, kept a strictly kosher diet. While in Paris, he and a group of rabbis ate only in kosher restaurants. On leaving Paris, Dr. Finkelstein joked, "I can't understand all this fuss people make about French cooking. We have the same things at home."
* A Sufi teacher spoke about the virtue of patience. As he spoke, a scorpion stung his foot repeatedly. His followers eventually noticed the scorpion and asked the teacher why he had not moved his foot away from it. The teacher replied, "I was discussing the virtue of patience. I could hardly have spoken about patience without also setting an example of patience. I would have been ashamed before God."
About the Author:
David Bruce is a humor columnist for The Athens News in Athens, Ohio. He also teaches English at Ohio University in Athens. To see his "Wise Up!" humor columns, go to www.athensnews.com-then perform a search for "David Bruce."
CBS opens the night with a FRESH'Gsmeshow Marathon', followed by a RERUN'CSI: The Original One', then a RERUN'Without A Trace'.
Scheduled on a FRESHDave are Sandra Bullock and Widespread Panic.
Scheduled on a FRESHCraig are Tony Shalhoub, Lucy Davis, and Echo & the Bunnymen.
NBC begins the night with a RERUN'My Name Is Earl', followed by a RERUN'The Office', then 'Dateline', followed by a FRESH'Windfall'.
Scheduled on a FRESHLeno are Kate Beckinsale, Jim Norton, and She Wants Revenge.
Scheduled on a FRESHConan are Dane Cook, Shaun White, and Dr. John.
Scheduled on a FRESHCarson Daly are Joey Lauren Adams and Matt Costa.
ABC has LIVE'NBA Basketball', and pads prime time on the left coast with local crap and maybe an old 'America's So-Called Funniest Home Videos'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJimmy Kimmel are Jack Black and Wolfmother.
The WB offers a RERUN'Smallville', followed by a RERUN'Supernatural'.
Faux has a RERUN'That 70s Show', followed by another RERUN'That 70s Show', then a FRESH'So You Think You Can Dance'.
UPN has a RERUN'Everybody Hates Chris', followed by a RERUN'Love, Inc.', then a RERUN'Eve', followed by a RERUN'Cuts'.
A&E has 'The First 48', another 'The First 48', followed by a FRESH'The First 48', and 'Dallas SWAT'.
AMC offers the movie 'The Living Daylights', followed by the movie 'Goldfinger', then the movie 'Moonraker'.
BBC -
[2:00 pm] 'As Time Goes By' - Episode 6;
[2:40 pm] 'Are You Being Served' - Founder's Day;
[3:20 pm] 'Keeping Up Appearances' - Episode 6;
[4:00 pm] 'My Hero' - Girlfriend;
[4:40 pm] 'My Family' - Ep 7 Blind Justice;
[5:20 pm] 'My Family' - Ep 8 Friday the 31st;
[6:00 pm] 'BBC World News';
[6:30 pm] 'Cash in the Attic' - Inglis;
[7:00 pm] 'The Benny Hill Show' - Episode 40;
[8:00 pm] 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' - Episode 17;
[8:30 pm] 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' - Episode 4;
[9:00 pm] 'Waterloo Road' - Episode 1;
[10:00 pm] 'Hex' - Episode 3;
[11:00 pm] 'Ed vs Spencer - Ep 1 Who Is The Most Attractive To Women?;
[11:30 pm] 'Bromwell High' - Ep 12 Drama Queen;
[12:00 am] 'Green Wing' - Episode 6;
[1:00 am] 'Hex' - Episode 3;
[2:00 am] 'Waterloo Road' - Episode 1;
[3:00 am] 'The Prisoner' - Ep. 6 The General;
[4:00 am] 'The Prisoner' - Ep. 7 Many Happy Returns;
[5:00 am] 'The Prisoner' - Ep. 8 Dance of the Dead;
[6:00 am] 'BBC World News'. (ALL TIMES EDT)
Bravo has 'West Wing', followed by the movie 'Bowling For Columbine', and an old 'Last Comic Standing'.
Comedy Central has 'Reno 911!', 'Dog Bites Man', last night's 'Jon Stewart', last night's 'Colbert Report', 'Mind Of Mencia', 'South Park', 'Show Biz Show With David Spade', and another 'Mind Of Mencia'.
Scheduled on a FRESHJon Stewart is Louis C.K.
Scheduled on a FRESHColbert Report is Michael Pollan.
History has 'Modern Marvels', 'Ancient Marvels', and 'Mega Movers'.
IFC -
[6:00 AM] In America;
[7:45 AM] Short: AutonomousLESs;
[8:00 AM] East Is East;
[9:45 AM] Life Tastes Good;
[11:15 AM] IFC Short Film Collection II: June;
[1:15 PM] IFC In Theaters;
[1:30 PM] Digging to China;
[3:15 PM] The Road Home;
[5:00 PM] Life Tastes Good;
[6:30 PM] Digging to China;
[8:15 PM] Waterland;
[10:00 PM] The Henry Rollins Show #11;
[10:30 PM] Samurai 7 Episode #11: "The Village";
[11:00 PM] Doppelganger;
[1:00 AM] Night of the Living Dead;
[2:45 AM] IFC In Theaters;
[3:00 AM] Doppelganger;
[5:00 AM] Baadasssss Cinema. (ALL TIMES EDT)
SciFi has the movie 'Breeders', followed by the movie 'Black Hole'.
Sundance -
[07:45 AM] Dracula: Pages From A Virgin's Diary;
[09:00 AM] The Death of Stalinism in Bohemia;
[09:15 AM] Gigantic (A Tale of Two Johns);
[11:00 AM] King of the Hill;
[12:45 PM] Imagining Argentina;
[02:35 PM] The Umbrellas of Cherbourg;
[04:15 PM] Photographing Fairies;
[06:15 PM] A Man's Gotta Do;
[08:00 PM] Yves St. Laurent: 5 Avenue Marceau 75116 Paris;
[09:30 PM] Wallace & Gromit: A Close Shave;
[10:00 PM] Caravaggio;
[11:35 PM] Bomb the System;
[01:05 AM] Videodrome;
[02:40 AM] Kiss or Kill;
[04:20 AM] L'Inondation. (ALL TIMES EDT)
Actress Sigourney Weaver listens to speakers at an event to raise funds for breast care services for underinsured patients at Bridgeport Hospital's Norma F. Pfriem Breast Care Center in Fairfield, Conn., Wednesday, June 14, 2006. Weaver later addressed the group as did Connecticut Gov. M. Jodi Rell, herself a breast cancer survivor.
Photo by Bob Child
The House Appropriations Committee voted on Tuesday to slash funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and refused to fund the service for 2009.
In addition, the committee decided against acting on funding CPB in 2009, voted to eliminate spending for the Ready to Learn grants and refused to fund the service's conversion to digital TV. In all, public broadcasting's budget was reduced by 17.4 percent, the CPB said.
CPB is funded two years in advance in an attempt to blunt political influence. In addition to complaints by conservatives that public broadcasting is too liberal, Republicans also have chafed at the advance-funding mechanism, claiming that it removes needed flexibility.
Neil Simon will receive the Kennedy Center's humor prize for more than four decades of Broadway hits, movies and TV shows blending the serious and the silly: "The Odd Couple," "Lost in Yonkers," "Barefoot in the Park" and dozens more.
Announcing the ninth annual winner of the Mark Twain Prize, Kennedy Center officials called Simon America's foremost playwright. He is also one of the most commercially successful.
Simon, 78, once had four plays running on Broadway at the same time. A revival of "The Odd Couple" - which spawned a movie and TV series - ended on Broadway only last week.
Cast member Keanu Reeves smiles with his mother Patricia at the world premiere of 'The Lake House' at the Pacific Cinerama Dome in Hollywood June 13, 2006. The movie portrays the romance between a doctor (Sandra Bullock) and an architect (Keanu Reeves) who are living two years apart. The movie opens in the U.S. on June 16.
Photo by Mario Anzuoni
Peter, Paul & Mary didn't just have hits - they gave voice to a social movement and sang some of the most iconic tunes in pop history, including "Blowin' in the Wind," "Puff, the Magic Dragon," and "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?"
The Songwriters Hall of Fame is honoring Peter, Paul & Mary - Peter Yarrow, Noel (Paul) Stookey and Mary Travers - with its Sammy Cahn Lifetime Achievement Award at its annual induction ceremonies Thursday night. While the trio didn't write most of their classics, the award acknowledges the musical impact the folk legends have made over their career, which spans more than 40 years.
The hall is also honoring Kris Kristofferson with its Johnny Mercer Award, while John Mayer will receive its Hal Davis Starlight Award, awarded to gifted young songwriters.
Three of the original Beach Boys appeared together in public for the first time in a decade on Tuesday to toast their musical legacy and hinted at the possibility of a reunion performance.
Brian Wilson, Mike Love and Al Jardine, along with Bruce Johnston, who joined the touring lineup in 1965, gathered on top of the Capitol Records office tower for the presentation of double-platinum plaques marking U.S. sales of more than 2 million copies of the band's 2003 collection, "Sounds of Summer: The Very Best of the Beach Boys."
Also on hand to uncork champagne with the band was David Marks, who briefly filled in for Jardine in the early 1960s.
Two-time Oscar winner Clint Eastwood, 76, will receive the Founders Award from the Motion Picture & Television Fund at the 24th annual Golden Boot Awards, to be held Aug. 12 at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles, it was announced Tuesday.
The awards were established in 1982 to recognize those performers, stunt people, producers and directors who have furthered the tradition of the Western on film and in television.
He is the second director to be honored with the Founders Award, which is not presented every year. John Ford, who directed Western classics such as 1956's "The Searchers," was honored in 1997.
CBS affiliate stations told federal regulators on Tuesday that proposed fines for a prime-time TV drama depicting teenagers engaged in sex should be tossed out because complaints about the show did not come from real people.
In a motion filed with the Federal Communications Commission, the affiliates argued against complaints that resulted in a FCC proposal to levy $3.3 million in fines for CBS stations that aired the "Without a Trace" episode.
The affiliates claim that not one of the 4,211 complaints the FCC received came from any place outside "the Web sites operated by two advocacy groups -- the Parents Television Council and, to a much lesser extent, the American Family Association."
The network's affiliates argue that a commission policy requiring a complaint from a viewer in the station's community of license before it will take action means the proposed fines need to be thrown out.
A Bolivian in indigenous costume, with an Image of Argentine guerrilla hero Ernesto 'Che' Guevara, participates in the 'Great Power Folk' parade in La Paz, June 10, 2006.
Photo by José Luis Quintana
One of Andy Warhol's signature silver wigs and a bracelet that was a gift from Carole Lombard to Clark Gable will be sold at Christie's in a June 22 auction of film and entertainment memorabilia.
The wig, worn by Warhol in the 1980s, has a pre-sale estimate of $4,000 to $6,000, the auction house said on its Web site.
Other highlights include a rare poster from the film "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" and Marilyn Monroe's personal address book from the early 1960s.
Comedian Jerry Lewis postponed a July engagement to perform live after suffering a heart attack Sunday that a casino spokeswoman described as "mild."
"At present, he is under hospital care and is expected to make a full recovery," said Candi Cazau, spokeswoman for the Orleans hotel-casino in Las Vegas, where Lewis was to perform July 13-16.
Lewis, 80, is also suffering from "a touch of pneumonia," Cazau said in a statement.
Gary Glitter will go before a court Thursday to appeal his conviction and three-year prison sentence for child molestation.
The 62-year-old former British glam rocker was found guilty March 3 for committing obscene acts with girls ages 10 and 11 at his rented seaside villa in southern Vietnam.
The People's Supreme Court of Appeals will hear the appeal in a closed hearing. The ruling by the three-judge panel will be announced later Thursday.
This undated combination of images made available by Sotheby's Auction House shows, from left to right: U.S. Revolutionary War Col. Abraham Buford's main battle flag 'Perseverando', Col. Buford's Gold Battalion Standard and Col. Buford's Blue Battalion Standard, known collectively as the 'Waxhaws Colors'. The three flags, which were scooped up from the bloodied field at Waxhaws on the border of North Carolina and South Carolina in 1780, were sold at Sotheby's auction house in New York Wednesday, June 14, 2006 for $5.056 million (4,010,947 euros).
The American Civil Liberties Union sued the U.S. Defense Department on Wednesday to demand information it says the government has collected on groups opposed to the war in Iraq.
The group says the Pentagon has been monitoring anti-war groups and individuals and has compiled lists on people it sees as potential threats but who the ACLU says are exercising their free-speech rights.
The suit was the ACLU's first attempt to force the Pentagon to disclose domestic surveillance and followed similar suits by the organization against the FBI and the Justice Department.
The ACLU said the Defense Department shared the information with other government agencies through the database, known as the Threat and Local Observation Notice, or Talon.
An American Bald eagle soars in front of the Margerie Glacier in Glacer Bay National Park, Alaska, Tuesday June 13, 2006.
Photo by Dr. Scott M. Lieberman
For the fifth time in a week, a stash of drugs was found in a cabinet at a Home Depot store in Massachusetts or discovered after the fixture was brought home.
A plumber in Southwick discovered 40 pounds of marijuana and three kilograms of cocaine stashed in a bathroom vanity he'd purchased at a Home Depot in Chicopee.
A second stash was found at that store and at least two more were discovered at a Tewksbury Home Depot, Southwick Police Lt. David Ricardi said. One of the Tewksbury stashes was discovered June 8 after a homeowner brought home a cabinet and found 50 pounds of marijuana.
A full moon rises above the Savior of Spilled Blood Cathedral in downtown St. Petersburg, Russia, early Wednesday, June 14, 2006.
Photo by Dmitry Lovetsky
Rankings for the top 15 programs on cable networks as compiled by Nielsen Media Research for the week of June 5-11. Day and start time (EDT) are in parentheses.
1. "WWE Raw" (Monday, 10 p.m.), USA, 3.92 million homes, 5.36 million viewers.
2. "WWE Raw" (Monday, 9 p.m.), USA, 3.34 million homes, 4.53 million viewers.
3. "The 4400" (Sunday, 9 p.m.), USA, 2.97 million homes, 4.19 million viewers.
4. "WWE vs. ECW Raw Special" (Wednesday, 10 p.m.), USA, 2.94 million homes, 4.16 million viewers.
5. Movie: "Freaky Friday" (Friday, 8 p.m.), Disney, 2.9 million homes, 3.95 million viewers.
6. "Fairly Odd Parents" (Saturday, 10:30 a.m.), Nickelodeon, 2.81 million homes, 3.71 million viewers.
7. "Fairly Odd Parents" (Saturday, 10 a.m.), Nickelodeon, 2.8 million homes, 3.77 million viewers.
8. "SpongeBob SquarePants" (Saturday, 9:30 a.m.), Nickelodeon, 2.73 million homes, 3.77 million viewers.
9. "Fairly Odd Parents" (Sunday, 10 a.m.), Nickelodeon, 2.68 million homes, 3.53 million viewers.
10. "Hannah Montana" (Saturday, 8:30 p.m.), Disney, 2.67 million homes, 3.7 million viewers.
11. "Danny Phantom's Reality Trip" (Friday, 8 p.m.), Nickelodeon, 2.63 million homes, 3.69 million viewers.
12. "WWE vs. ECW Raw Special" (Wednesday, 9 p.m.), USA, 2.59 million homes, 3.5 million viewers.
13. "The Closer" (Sunday, 6 p.m.), TNT, 2.58 million homes, 3.58 million viewers.
14. "Fairly Odd Parents" (Sunday, 10:30 a.m.), Nickelodeon, 2.54 million homes, 3.32 million viewers.
15. Movie: "The Lizzie McGuire Movie" (Sunday, 8 p.m.), Disney, 2.52 million homes, 3.3 million viewers.
A minipig (maiale pigmeo) born on May 1, 2006 cavorts in its enclosure at the zoo in Basel, Switzerland, Wednesday, June 14, 2006.
Photo by Georgios Kefalas
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