Bartcop Entertainment - Wednesday, 23 January, 2002

(BartCop Entertainment)

Wednesday

23 January, 2002

big hammer - bigger hammer

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Who's Going To Hell This Week

Helen A. Handbasket


Who's Going to Hell This Week?


by

Helen A. Handbasket

As ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire, Helen's access to eternal contracts is legendary. She is the world's foremost double-agent war-correspondent from hell - to Hollywood - and back again. Her opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.
 

WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

January 21, 2002

 
What, another week has gone by? My, how time flies when you're engrossed in self-flagellation. Good help is so hard to find these days. 
- Helen -

10. Despite a lucrative catering offer from publishers of "Chicken Soup for the Terrorist Soul," U.S. prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were fed bagels and cream cheese for brunch.
 
9.  Enron employees were shredding documents at the company's Houston offices for a tickertape parade, a former executive said yesterday, who refused to divulge who the parade was for. Hint: He's a presidential candidate.
 
8. O.J. says the "real killers" were dining at Windows of the World on 9/11.  

7. Yasser Arafat said Monday he is willing to die a martyr to see the creation of a Palestinian state. Where is he getting these good ideas? Everyone who wants to see Yasser Arafat die a martyr to see the creation of a Palestinian state, raise your hand.
 
6. Why did the U.S. Army sterilize those missing anthrax spores? What else explains K-Mart going bankrupt?
 
5. U2 released an album you can only get at Target Stores on the same day Paula Poundstone went public with the news she's not a child molester. Coincidence? I don't think so.
 
4. Martin Luther King, now reborn as a member of 'N Sync, was not impressed by the way he was hailed by George Bush in an event at the White House last week. "I sure didn't vote for him," King said.
 
3. Peggy Lee is finally discovering that's not all there is in her jungle tent with malaria on the 4th level of hell. Nobody sings a song called "Fever" till they're 81 without getting the attention of a certain prince of darkness.
 
2. "My Sweet Lord." is at the top of the charts again. "I always liked that song," said Adolph Hitler playing pinochle with George Harrison at the 7th level of hell. "I don't even care that he stole that chord change," Hitler chuckled. 
 
And the number one person going to hell this week?
 
1. What did Patty Hearst say when she met Monica Lewinsky? "I love your work."
 
Personal to Andre: You slimy bastard. From now on, I drive.
 
Personal to George Clooney: What are you doing tonight, sweety? Come over and help me wash off.
 

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

 
45,000 Palestinian residents of the West Bank under general curfew plus $4.5 billion pledged by international donors to rebuild Afghanistan times everyone who can pronounce Mount Nyiragongo equals Amazon.com's first-ever net profit of $5 million times $35.3 million made by "Black Hawk Down" over Martin Luther King's three-day holiday weekend minus every grain of integrity in the White House..
 

MEMORIAL PLAQUE FROM HELL

 

WHAT?

 
Rush Limbaugh can hear again.
 

PROPOSAL FROM HELL

 
We've Already Lost the War on Terrorism
Let's Go Home
by Satan
 
He's killed more of us than we killed of him and he's gotten away. He's won. Let's bring the boys home. They can do better guarding the country over here. It's time to leave al Kaeda to the operatives in the spy network, not the fighting soldier. We're just scaring people. Not that that's a bad thing. But as an American, I feel it's their duty to be over here scaring Americans.
 
 

QUIZ FROM HELL

 
Last week's quiz from hell was...
 
a) too hard
b) too soft
c) just right
 

CARTOON FROM HELL

 

QUOTES FROM HELL

 
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that....The chain reaction of evil- hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation." - Martin Luther King -
 
"I was thinking after Timothy McVeigh, after the Oklahoma City bomb, I was thinking: No, no Tim, the IRS building, in the middle of the night, nobody there - that would have been the right move."
- P.J. O'Rourke -
 
"Prosperity itself is on the ballot this November." - Al Gore -

"There's too many religions. Somebody's going to hell." - Redd Foxx -
 

FILM FROM HELL

 
 

SCIENTIFIC LOVE SONG FROM HELL

 
Genetic Fingerprints
 
I've got lots of energy
Though some of it's kinetic
I've got lots of love for you
And all of it's genetic
 
We were testing anthrax spores
The moon outside was full
That's the night my sweater
was no longer virgin wool
 
You are so meticulous
You never make an error
Together we can do it
We can rid the world of terror
 
     I know you're a devil
     There's no one to convince
     Since I fell in love with your genetic fingerprints
     You're the one I treasure
     I'll never run away
     Since I saw your patterns of repeating DNA
 
Hey, is that a genome
that I spy upon your lips?
These feelings are as frequent
as an annular eclipse
 
You gave to me your secret code
that opens every lock
You wound up the mainspring
in my biological clock
 
Soon there'll be a little one
You should not be surprised
Unlike army anthrax
I was never sterilized
 
     I will show my love to you
     with words I cannot mince
     Since I fell in love with your genetic fingerprints
     My love for you is virulent
     It will not go away
     Since I saw your patterns of repeating DNA
     Since I saw your patterns of repeating DNA
 
 

SITES FROM HELL

 
The Bush administration won't release information concerning Reagan/Bush scandals, but Clinton scandals? Hey, no problem.
 
Need to know something about another country? Why not look them up in the CIA World Fact Book.
 

HOW I SPENT MY WEEKEND

 

PUZZLE FROM HELL

 
 
Answer to last week's puzzle from hell:
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan -
 


 
Why go to hell when hell can come to you?
Subscribe and find out.

http://home.earthlink.net/~dare2b


There is no way to unsubscribe to Darenet other than repeating HIS name 1,000 times and praying for the worst. Sure, you can send a blank email to "Darenet-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com" but HE'LL know and you'll pay someday. Your only choice is to sneak behind his back and go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/darenet, log on, and remove yourself. You're three clicks away from going to a special hell reserved for all those who Dare unsubscribe.



Many thanks to Michael Dare!

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Weekly Review

from Harper's Magazine

HARPER'S WEEKLY REVIEW - 22 January, 2002

The Enron scandal continued to unfold. Arthur Andersen and Company, the big accounting firm that served simultaneously as consultant and auditor for the Texas energy company, admitted that it had destroyed thousands of Enron-related documents.

President Bush told some lies about his relationship with Kenneth Lay, the chairman of Enron, and it was revealed that the company, which had more than 900 subsidiaries in tax-haven countries and is slated to receive a $254 million corporate tax refund under President Bush's economic stimulus plan, paid no income tax at all in four of the last five years.

Vice President Dick Cheney, citing executive privilege, was still refusing to release the records of his five meetings with Enron executives to discuss energy policy. People were beginning to use the word "cover-up."

The Bush Administration was said to be actively planning a covert assault on Iraq.

President Bush's suspicious pretzel episode was diagnosed as vasovagal syncope, which results from too little blood flowing to the brain.

A federal appeals court ruled that Idaho state law does not prohibit driving under the influence of marijuana.

Police in Dallas discovered that about half the cocaine and one fourth of the methamphetamine they confiscated last year was fake, which led to the dismissal of 24 criminal cases, all of which involve a single informer who was paid $200,000 by the police department for his efforts. The Environmental Protection Agency decided to make it easier for coal-burning power plants to pollute the atmosphere.

San Francisco was thinking about outlawing beggars. Biotechnologists were still trying to perfect a goat-spider hybrid.

( continued at Weekly Review )

--Roger D. Hodge

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Sunday's BartCopE

Michael Dare

Michael Dare - 'The Life and Death of Captain Preemo'

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Reader Request

'Include UPN'

''It's a relatively trivial matter, but could you include UPN shows in your TV listings? You omit Buffy the Vampire Slayer and several other good shows (try watching Girlfriends after Raymond instead of Becker) otherwise.

~~ Andrea


Andrea -
I'll try to remember to include UPN...heaven knows they can use some help ; )

As the TV season progresses, and we get closer to being ass-deep in reruns, I'm more likely to start wandering down the pathes missed earlier in the year.

Tonight I meant to catch 'The Guardian' on CBS because Dabney Coleman is in it, and didn't realize it til yesterday...oh well, guess that's why there's next week.

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In The Chaos Household

Last Night

Watched 'That 70's Show' because everything else kind of creeped me out.

Saw some of 'Frasier' and 'Scrubs' and '24'. Reveled a moment what a step forward the TV-remote was, and how much it has changed my viewing habits. Also sat through most of 'Dateline', wanting to see the Paula Poundstone interview.

Also got to see some of 'The Loved One' and 'The Producers'.

Since 'Dave' is in reruns this week, watched 'Leno'.



Tonight, Wednesday, CBS has '60 Minutes II' and a movie, 'A Perfect Murder', with Michael Douglas, Gwyneth Paltrow & Aragorn, er, I mean Viggo Mortensen.

On NBC, Tom Brokaw trails the residents of the White House (it was taped last week), in a program that was originally scheduled to occur last September, as an intro to the season opener of 'The West Wing'. A rerun 'The West Wing' follows now, and then a repeat 'Law & Order'.

ABC has an all fresh night, with 'My Wife & Kids', 'Jim', 'Drew Carey', 'The Job', and 'Downtown'.

The WB is all fresh tonight, with 'Dawson's Creek' and 'Glory Days'.

Faux also has an all fresh night, with 'That 70's Show', 'Grounded For Life', 'Bernie Mac', and 'Titus'.

UPN has (finally) a fresh 'Enterprise' and a repeat of 'Special Unit 2'.

PBS debuts a new program, 'American Family', from Gregory Nava. Long time ago he made an interesting film, 'El Norte'. And, way back then, I was working at a post-production sound house (Mag City), where the dialog & sound effects were added to 'El Norte'. I remember it quite well.

AMC has 'Sugarland Express', Steven Spielberg's first theatrical release, starring Goldie Hawn.

TCM has 'Citizen Kane', 'nuff said. Followed by 2 acclaimed movies I really disliked...'Chariots Of Fire', and 'Mrs. Soffel' (or, Mrs. So-Awful). They are followed by the ultimate dental-phobic's nightmare 'Marathon Man'.

Anyone have any opinions?

Or reviews?



(See below for addresses)

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Just Hanging With The Girls

Chelsea Clinton



While top fashion designers were showing off their latest haute couture creations, Chelsea Clinton displayed her new look: A silken bob to accompany her slinky black dress.

She peered at the catwalk from a front-row seat at the weekend Versace show, rubbing shoulders with Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow and other jet-set guests.

Gone were the girlish curls that adorned Clinton throughout her White House and Stanford University years. The 21-year-old Clinton dazzled the glitterati with her sophisticated cut - a bob that was short, straight and silky - and, at a party later, a backless dress with a plunging neckline.

Chelsea Clinton

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Updated (Nearly) Daily!

BartCop TV!

BC TV

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Moving To CNN

Connie Chung

ABC News said on Tuesday that veteran broadcast journalist Connie Chung is leaving to join Cable News Network.

In a statement read to Reuters, ABC News President David Westin said the CNN assignment, ``is a very important opportunity for (Chung) to have her own program. We wish her nothing but great success and happiness in her new job.''

ABC News is owned by Walt Disney Co.

At CNN, Chung is expected to host a prime-time show.

Chung's move to CNN comes as that network's rivalry with the Fox News Channel intensifies in the all-news cable television category. Earlier this year, CNN lost its legal affairs expert Greta Van Susteren to Fox, which is part of the Fox Entertainment Group Inc. of media assets controlled by Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. Ltd.

Connie Chung Goes To CNN

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Big Dog Watch

Bill Clinton



Former U.S. President Bill Clinton is greeted by enthusiastic workers at the foreign ministry after a meeting with Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres in Jerusalem Monday, Jan. 21, 2002. Clinton is in Israel on a two-day visit.
Photo by Elizabeth Dalziel

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Directing Nominations From The DGA

Directors Guild of America

The Directors Guild of America imported most nominees from overseas for its top filmmaking honors on Tuesday.

``A Beautiful Mind'' filmmaker Ron Howard was the only American picked for the competition.

The other nominees: New Zealand director Peter Jackson for ``The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring,'' Australian Baz Luhrmann for ``Moulin Rouge'' and British-born filmmakers Christopher Nolan for ``Memento'' and Ridley Scott for ``Black Hawk Down.''

Notably absent from the list was Robert Altman, an American, who won the Golden Globe Sunday for his direction of ``Gosford Park.''

The DGA snub could mean he has little chance of an Academy Award win if nominated this year because the Oscar is also determined by peers in the directing community.

Directors Guild of America

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''Alias'' Wipes Out ''X-Files''?

Jennifer Garner

The timing tells it all: Jennifer Garner, the star of ABC's new freaky-deaky thriller "Alias," walks off with the best TV-actress Golden Globe the same week that Fox decides to call it quits on "The X-Files."

Garner, who has emerged as the brightest new TV star of the season, has done what no other show has been able to do in a decade - help people tune-out Scully and Mulder.

In the TV industry, there is a school of thought that the only smart move ABC has made in a year or two was scheduling "Alias" directly against "X-Files" on Sunday night.

Even "X-Files" creator Chris Carter admitted last week that one of the many reasons he was pulling the plug on his most successful show ever was because of "Alias."

"I was looking at this year's ratings which were down from the season opener and I felt we were counter-programmed [by 'Alias']," Carter told This Post. "It was kind of a strange beginning for us this year. We never had that before."

Garner, 29, has been cannily marketed to audiences as a bright, undiscovered newcomer - but in fact she's been around Hollywood and New York for some years.

She is married to "Felicity" star Scott Foley, whom she met on the set of the WB college-days series when making a guest appearance.

Jennifer Garner

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First Interview

Paula Poundstone

Comedian Paula Poundstone, giving her first interview since a child abuse case filed against her last year, said on Tuesday that she had been ``colossally stupid'' but that she had never hit or sexually abused anyone.

Poundstone was freed in December from a 180-day sentence in an alcohol treatment facility after pleading no contest to child endangerment charges. An additional charge of committing a lewd act on a child was dropped by prosecutors who have declined to give details.

Poundstone admitted she had a drinking problem and her lawyer has said that the charges stemmed from driving four of the children to get ice cream while she was intoxicated.

All the children have since been removed from her care and Poundstone said there was no worse punishment than returning to an empty house.

``I set up a very volatile situation just between the characters involved and the fact that I was drinking ... in retrospect, I realize that things were unsafe,'' Poundstone added.

Paula Poundstone

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Speaking His Mind

Robert Altman

Making "Gosford Park" in England seems to have turned Robert Altman against the United States. "When I see an American flag flying, it's a joke," he fumed to the Times of London yesterday. "This present government in America I just find disgusting, the idea that George Bush could run a baseball team successfully - he can't even speak! I just find him an embarrassment." Altman's feeling is so strong, he's thinking of moving to London for good. "I'd be very happy to stay here," he tells the paper. "There's nothing in America that I would miss at all."

Robert Altman

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BC Entertainment Favorite Link

Moose & Squirrel Information One-Stop


What a great site! Information and reference materials of the first order!

Between 'Moose & Squirrel' and 'Google', who needs daddy drudge!

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Opening Mouth, Inserting Foot

Minnie Driver

Madcap Minnie Driver better not go back to Britain any time soon. The actress has just been quoted as saying she hates Hollywood because everyone here is so beautiful - at least compared to the folks back home. "In England, with all due respect, we have some of the plainest actresses in the entire world as our greatest," Minnie burbles. "You can have Judi Dench, a very small, round, middle-aged, lovely, mothering-type playing Cleopatra. You know here she would melt into the crowd in a second."

Minnie Driver

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She Has 'Body Issues'

Gwyneth Paltrow

Just like so many other women, Gwyneth Paltrow is hung up on the size of her breasts. Paltrow, whose bony bod is the envy of wannabe 'It' girls everywhere, shared her insecurities with London's Mail on Sunday. "My God, there are so many parts of my body that I don't like - my stomach, my bottom," Paltrow groaned. "I have body issues like every other woman. I'm insecure. I never think I'm thin enough or my breasts are big enough."

Gwyneth Paltrow

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Selling Out To Cadillac?

Led Zeppelin

Cadillac, a car line associated with old-money luxury and gentility, is hooking up with Led Zeppelin, a British rock group band best known for hard-driving heavy metal music.

As part of a new marketing campaign called ``Break Through'' to raise the profile of Cadillac's newest vehicles, the CTS, XLR, Escalade and Escalade EXT, television commercials will feature the song ``Rock and Roll'' by the group, General Motors Corp. said Tuesday.

It's the first time Led Zeppelin has sold its music for commercial use, GM said.

The ``Break Through'' theme will be used in the marketing campaign during high profile events like the Super Bowl, Winter Olympics, Academy Awards, Wimbledon tennis and Ryder Cup golf along with other prime-time programming.

Led Zeppelin Sells Out

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Sniffing About For A New Book

''Big Bad Bob''

Enron-dogged President Bush may find himself feeling like Watergate-dogged President Nixon soon. It looks like Washington Post assistant managing editor Bob Woodward is on Dubya's tail.

Woodward, who wrote "All the President's Men" with Carl Bernstein, wants to focus on Bush's first year in office for his next book, according to former Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan.

"Big Bad Bob" is "hammering all over the place looking for leaks" in Bush's inner circles, Noonan writes on OpinionJournal.com.

Big Bad Bob

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Big Dog Watch Continues

Bill Clinton



Former U.S. President Bill Clinton, speaks about the "Information Technology World in the New Era", before an audience of top Israeli businessmen in Tel Aviv January 21, 2002. Clinton is on a lightning two-day visit to Israel where he received an honorary doctorate from Tel Aviv University.
Photo by Havakuk Levison

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Snarky Gossip

Aaron Sorkin & Maureen Dowd?

"West Wing" creator Aaron Sorkin skipped the parties, but came to the awards with his wife, Julia Bingham, even though they've separated and we hear he's been seeing more and more of New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd.

Aaron Sorkin

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Leasing Out Saturday Kids Programming

faux tv

The Fox TV network said Tuesday it will lease its Saturday morning programming block to 4Kids Entertainment Inc. for about $25 million a year, following a similar deal by NBC that reflects a network push to contract out their less-profitable time periods.

Under its deal, 4Kids will provide programs for four hours on Fox each Saturday starting at 8 a.m. EDT in September, the companies said.

In a filing on Friday with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, New York-based 4Kids said it will pay a license fee of $25.3 million for each broadcast year during the agreement's initial four-year term.

4Kids said it will retain all revenue it generates from advertising during the period.

Leasing Out Saturday Kids Programming

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In The Kitchen With BartCop & Friends

bartcook

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Frederique D'Arragon Spills The Beans

Ted Turner

Ted Turner has tried several mood-maintenance drugs over the years, but none of them seems to keep him as balanced as Frederique D'Arragon.

The beauty and the billionaire have been friends for 33 years now. In the two years since he split from Jane Fonda, the aristocratic French artist and sportswoman has been his constant companion. She says his recent admission that he felt "suicidal" after being fired by outgoing AOL Time Warner honcho Gerald Levin was a bit of an overstatement.

"Ted sometimes exaggerates," she tells us. "He was depressed, and he had every reason to be. They kicked him out. He had two sick grandchildren. His dog, Chief, was paralyzed. Everything went wrong."

What of the bid by incoming AOL Time Warner boss Richard Parsons to lure him back?

"Ted loves Dick," she said carefully. "He is certainly interested in the company doing well. CNN is like his child."

Ted Turner

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Short Fingered Vulgarian At It Again?

Donald Trump

A 62-year-old French chef has sued Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago resort, saying he was fired as executive chef because of his age.

Hired in August 2000, Bernard Goupy said he got a verbal promise from Mar-a-Lago managing director Bernard Lembcke that he would receive $80,000 for one year of work, according to court documents.

Goupy, whose executive chef credits include the Hilton hotel chain in the Middle East and the Caribbean's Wyndham hotels, was fired after six months at Mar-a-Lago and replaced by a chef in his 30s.

Celine Dion and her manager-husband, Rene Angelil, since have hired him as their personal chef at their Jupiter home. The singer and Angelil are scheduled to give videotaped depositions on Wednesday in West Palm Beach for the case.

Trump denied the accusation of age discrimination.

``I hired him at the same age I fired him,'' he told the Palm Beach Post for Tuesday's editions. ``He got fired because he was a terrible chef. We didn't like his food.''

Donald Trump's Ex-Chef

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A Very Special Bonus

From BartCop

Special Bonus From BartCop

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Still More Big Dog Watch

Bill Clinton



Former President Bill Clinton, right, speaks with National Baptist Convention President Rev. William J. Shaw, at a convention meeting in Little Rock, Ark., Tuesday, Jan. 22, 2002.
Photo by Danny Johnston


Check out the dates...he was in Jerusalem & Tel Aviv on Monday, and in Little Rock (and functioning), on Tuesday! Is he impervious to jet lag? And talk about ecumenical!

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Does His Name Rhyme With 'Weasel'?

Jim Caviezel

Jim Caviezel takes the sex out of sex symbol. Well, he'd like to, anyway. The rising star of Hollywood hits and drooling Internet fan sites is a devout Roman Catholic who says his faith forbids him from getting randy on camera.

This is the man who starred in last year's "Angel Eyes" only after J. Lo agreed to keep it on during their premarital lovemaking.

"I just said, 'Look, put a top on her,' " Caviezel told The Post. " 'I'm gonna keep my shorts on, she's gonna keep hers on. Get the camera and shoot around it.' And that's out of devotion, love and respect to my wife."

Caviezel has no problem with the violence, since he doesn't consider it gratuitous. But he's not thrilled with the message - that vengeance can be exacted without paying the ultimate price.

Jim Caviezel

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Retiring After The Super Bowl

Pat Summerall

Pat Summerall said on Tuesday he will step down as one of lead play-by-play broadcasters of the Fox network's National Football League coverage following this year's Super Bowl on Feb. 3, after 21 years with his partner, former coach John Madden.

Summerall, 71, who has spent 50 years in total as a player, coach and a broadcaster, said he plans to write a book and focus on his production company.

Madden, the former Oakland Raiders coach who joined Summerall in 1981, said in a statement, ``My relationship with Pat has been more than just a broadcast partnership and my respect for him goes beyond football. There are some things in your life that can never be replaced.''

Fox Sports had no immediate comment.

Pat Summerall

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Snarky Rumor

Sarah Jessica Parker

After spending the past year battling rumors that her marriage to Matthew Broderick is in trouble, "Sex and the City" star Sarah Jessica Parker started tongues wagging again Sunday night at the Golden Globes. The "Sex" favorite, who won for best TV actress, arrived at the awards holding the hand of her co-star John Corbett, and did not thank or mention Broderick once during her long acceptance speech. Backstage, Parker told MSNBC's Jeannette Walls, "I feel so bad, there's someone I forgot to thank in my speech. Someone who has helped me in so many ways and who has always been there for me" - so she thanked her publicist.

Meanwhile, security was so tight that several accredited guests could not get in. According to Variety, members of the press and publicists had to have fingerprints taken and be photographed in addition to submitting to a background check. When some checks came back unsatisfactory, the offending members were banished from the ceremony.

Sarah Jessica Parker

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Overbilled By Home Builder

John Mellencamp

A home builder who pleaded guilty to overbilling John Mellencamp received a four-year suspended sentence Tuesday and was ordered to pay a $10,000 fine.

Timothy O. Eldredge pleaded guilty to a felony charge of theft of $134,471 by falsified billing invoices in an effort to bilk the singer and his wife, model Elaine Mellencamp, said Roger Rayl, a spokesman for the Marion County prosecutor's office.

The couple had hired The Eldredge Group of Indianapolis to build a $2.5 million home near Lake Monroe south of Bloomington.

Prosecutors said Eldredge had subcontractors make two invoices, one showing an actual cost and another a higher cost. The Mellencamps paid the higher amount to Eldredge, who paid the lesser amount to the subcontractor.

Mellencamp said he was satisfied with the sentence.

John Mellencamp

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Never Flush When You're Sitting

Toilet From Hell

An American woman had no need to fasten her seatbelt on a flight from Scandinavia to the United States after a high-pressure vacuum flush sealed her to the toilet seat of the transatlantic airliner.

The woman filed a complaint with Scandinavian Airlines System (SAS) after her ordeal on a Boeing 767 flight last year. She got sucked in after pushing the flush button while seated, activating a system to clean the toilet by vacuum, the airline said Monday.

``She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the toilet until the flight had landed so that ground technicians could help her get loose,'' a SAS spokeswoman told Reuters. ``She was stuck there for quite a long time.''

Never Flush When You're Sitting

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In Memory

Thomas 'Ski' Demski



Thomas "Ski" Demski, the irascible patriot who could scrap angrily with City Hall in one hour and play Santa Claus to children in the next, died Saturday morning at his Long Beach home.

While no official cause has been given yet for his death, Demski had been suffering from cardiac complications, severe diabetes and gangrene.

He was 72.

Famous for his giant American flags, some of which graced his flagpole at Fourth and Lime, Demski also spent the last two decades of his life as a perennial but unsuccessful candidate for Long Beach offices.

He provided lunches - usually on St. Patrick's Day - for the homeless, and organized ceremonies for patriotic holidays at times when almost no city officials were recognizing the red-letter days.

For all that, he may well be remembered as Long Beach's most colorful figure; in Camelot terms, a fleeting wisp of Old Glory who defied convention and owned some of the largest American flags in the land.

One of them had been flown at New York's ground zero in October.

"He was a strong presence in our community," Mayor Beverly O'Neill said shortly after hearing of Demski's death. "He stood for something. He had passionate patriotism and loved those flags."

For a column that appeared two weeks ago, Demski told me he was not yet at death's door, but that he was "not far away from it" either.

"I'm ready to roll over and die," he said.

In preparation for that column, Demski had shown me the already-purchased glass coffin in which he planned to "lie in state" in his garage. He also talked of plans to have his cremated ashes placed inside the $16,000 flagpole.

He will not be the first inside, however. The ashes of a friend, retired Air Force Gen. Clem Maloney, are interred in the base of the pole.

To reminisce about Demski, as some in the community were doing Saturday, is to call up dozens of anecdotes which could hardly be told about anyone else. Maloney's ashes are one of those stories.

"He wanted us to declare the flagpole a cemetery," recalls former Mayor Tom Clark. "We had to inform him that we (the mayor and council) had no authority to create cemeteries."

While funeral arrangements have not yet been announced, they presumably will be along the lines that Demski had planned. Those decisions likely will fall to Jim Alexander, his closest friend.

Demski was born and raised in Nanticoke, Pa. He came to Southern California in the 1970s, and nearly a decade later began establishing himself as Long Beach's best known patriot - often in defiant fashion.

He did that in part by having the 132-foot flagpole, the city's largest, constructed outside his home.

Several years later, talk circulated that the city would try to outlaw the huge pole. Rather than maintain a low profile, as someone else might do, Demski reacted by threatening to put up a new pole - 300 feet high.

Municipal action against him never materialized.

His giant flags have been unfurled at major sporting events, from bowl games to the World Series, and patriotic locations throughout the nation.

Most of his flag events have been well-received, but one, a 1996 project to drape the flag over part of Hoover Dam, came close to being a disaster. For several minutes, about 30 workers handling the flag were at risk as winds threatened to blower the banner into power lines.

Called "Super Flag," the 225-foot-by-505-foot banner eventually was stretched safely across the dam, in a salute to the Olympic torch, which was being carried over the dam that day.

The effort landed Demski in the Guinness Book of Records under the category of largest flying flag. It was the third time his massive flags have made the book.

Colorful himself, Demski surrounded himself through the years with equally colorful friends such as Maloney, now enshrined in the pole, the late Barney McNulty, who prepared cue cards for comedian Bob Hope, and, also now deceased, Fred C. Hummer, a World War I bugler.

His closest friend has been Alexander, a retired U.S. Coast Guard commander. In the Jan. 6 column on Demski, Alexander said, "You have to give Ski credit for taking what little he had and making something of himself. This is a guy who was a kid working the coal mines when he was 13."

When that column told of Demski's nearly lifelong battle against alcoholism and noted that he had recently gone on a bender, he reacted angrily, saying that he had told me about the lapse, his first in 27 years, in confidence.

He then illustrated the swiftness of his mood changes. Two days after saying he would never talk to me again, he apologized. A week after that, he discussed his drinking on sports columnist Doug Krikorian's radio show.

He began flying his U.S. flags after being impressed by the sight of one flying at night from a car dealership off of the San Diego (405) Freeway. Demski said his adventures with Old Glory also helped him deal with his problems of alcoholism.

Demski had a disdainful view of authority, and, for better or worse, was not above interrupting the City Council while it was in session. Says former Mayor Clark:

"He came into the council chambers one year around Christmas time. He walked in wearing his Santa Claus suit right in the middle of the meeting and gave us a big 'ho, ho, ho.'‚"

Says Councilman Ray Grabinski: "I think Ski did the things he thought were right. He made a few enemies that way, but he made a lot more friends.

"And we owe him. He helped put Long Beach on the map."

'Ski' Demski Obit By Tom Hennessey of The Long Beach Press-Telegram


More About 'Ski'

Ski's Site - Superflag.com

Roadside America On Ski Demski


Ski Demski was one of the great characters in Long Beach. Seems trite to say he'll be missed -- he'll be more than missed.

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Missing Chagall Found?

''Study for 'Over Vitebsk'''

The Missing 'Marc Chagall ''Study over Vitebsk'''?

A painting believed to be a Marc Chagall work stolen last year from the Jewish Museum in New York City turned up at a postal installation in Topeka, Kan., the FBI said Tuesday.

Agents said the 8-by-10-inch oil is probably the French-Russian painter's ``Study for `Over Vitebsk,''' valued at about $1 million.

The work was stolen after a party at the museum June 8. A group calling itself the International Committee for Art and Peace later said the painting would be returned only after the Israelis and Palestinians made peace.

A package recently declared undeliverable at a postal facility in St. Paul, Minn., was shipped to another installation in Topeka, where such mail is opened for identification. Workers there noticed the painting's backside bore stickers from several museums and looked on the FBI's web site, where they found a listing for the stolen Chagall, prompting them to call authorities.

The 1914 painting, which had been at the New York museum on loan from a private collection in Russia, shows an old man floating above a village with a walking stick and beggar's sack. It was a practice work for a larger, similar piece called ``Over Vitebsk'' done the same year.

The painting is now headed to New York for further authentication.

''Study for 'Over Vitebsk'''

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NO LONGER MISSING?


Over Vitebsk

Marc Chagall's ''Study for 'Over Vitebsk'''

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Boondocks: The Best Comic Strip Today

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Is It Just Me, Or Does Big Boy Look Like Tom Ridge?

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