Entertainment News - Saturday, 28 July, 2001

BartCop Entertainment News - Saturday

Reader Review

Thoughts On Planet of the Apes; A Liberal's Perspective
 
Be Warned: Many Spoilers Contained!

 
     I saw the film about an hour ago, at the local 12-screen 
Multiplex here in South Hell, Texas.  I know the basic plot of 
the original "Plant of the Apes", including the twist ending, 
but I have never seen it.  
 
     I'll say this up front: there's going to be a lot of flak 
for this movie in the Bible Belt, since it basically amounts 
to a $100,000,000 lesson on basic evolutionary theory.  That is, 
you have to accept the idea that organisms become more intelligent 
and advanced over time for this movie to work on even the most 
basic level of simple entertainment.  There are other sore points, 
but I'll get to those in the review.  
 
     The movie starts in space, near Saturn, where we find Mark 
Walberg (an astronaut and chimp trainer) flying off into space 
to save one of his trainees after he gets lost in an electromagnetic 
storm.  The storm forces Mark to make a crash-landing on another 
planet.  Unlike the original, we know that he has gone forward in 
time, thanks to a helpful meter that keeps track of the day, year 
and month... like what Doc Brown had rigged up for the DeLorean in 
"Back To The Future".  
 
     Mark gets captured by the Ape Army, along with Kris 
Kristofferson, his cute blond cavegirl daughter, his son and a 
bunch of other extras.  The Ape Army is headed by General Thade 
and Attar, his second banana. (ba-da-bum-ching).  
 
     We find that humans on this world are treated like slaves 
and pets.  There is potential for a lot of satire here.. or at 
the very least, a few cheap jokes.  We get a quick glimpse of 
an organ grinder, who has a leashed midget running about collecting 
coins.  There is also a scene where a young ape girl picks a young 
human girl as a pet and the keeper of the kennel notes "Get rid of 
her before she hits puberty.  The last thing you want is a teenage 
human in your house..."  This might have been funnier had the 
kennel keeper been played by Bob Barker and he made a note about 
the importance of having your pets spayed or neutered.
 
     Mark and Blondie (I don't believe she is ever mentioned by 
name in the film, but it doesn't matter since her only real purpose 
in the film is to be eye candy for the 13 year old boys) are bought 
by Helena Bonham Carter; an human rights activist who attempts 
to free all the humans in the kennel/pound.  When she fails, she 
buys Mark and Blondie because of the intelligent look in Mark's 
eyes.  It is immediately obvious that there is some kind of 
forbidden romantic tension between them both.
 
     Not half an hour in and we already have a bunch of subtle 
themes that are bound to piss off those on the Right who get them.  
We have...
 
   - a corrupt military system, mostly interested in propagating 
its own power by killing and/or enslaving a proped up enemy.  
 
   - people who see the "enemies" (humans) as equals are dismissed 
as being lunatics who are just plain wrong. 
 
   - the obvious parallels of racism and discrimination between 
ape and man and whites and non-whites.  
 
     We even have a "teaching children that beastiality is okay" 
message for the insane parents lobby!
 
     Mark and Blondie eventually escape, after being brutalized by 
the decedant friends of Helena's father (a senator of some power), 
among these are General Thade and Attar.  Thade, we find out, is 
Helena's ex fiance and that things didn't go well between them 
because of her being the leading (i.e. only) Human's-Rights activist 
and him being of the opinion that humans are dangerous and should 
all be killed rather than enslaved.
 
     Mark and Blondie rescue Kris and her brother, but Kris gets 
killed trying to distract the persuing armies.  Helena flees along 
with the humans, along with an older ex-general, who was once 
Thade's major rival in the military.  They make their way to Mark's 
ship, where he gets a tracking device that will enable him to find 
his ship.
 
     For about half an hour, nothing of real importance happens 
except one.  We finally get to see the much touted Charleton Heston 
cameo.  Heston plays Thade's father, who is near death and has to 
impart a dread secret to his son: one passed from generation to 
generation.  The secret is revealed after Thade smashes open a vase 
to reveal... a device.  A gun.  
 
     Thade's father explains a secret known only to he highest 
rulers of their people: the apes were once slaves to humans, because 
the humans had much more advanced technology.  He says the device is 
a weapon of great power that would give the humans an edge in battle, 
since it takes away the apes advantage of strength and agility.  
He says that Thade must keep the humans from discovering more such 
things.
 
     Yes, that's right.  Chuck Heston preaching gun control.  Can 
this movie get any more blasphemous?
 
     A little bit.  The ship lies in a holy area, where the life of 
the Apes began.  Mark leads his party (now including the kennel 
keeper as very bad comic relief) there, only to discover that the 
holy ruins ARE his ship and that he is basically left without any 
way of escaping the planet.
 
     It should be noted at this point that Mark is totally 
unsympathetic as a hero.  He doesn't have any heroic qualities and 
is only looking out for himself.  He says as much to Helena, and 
keeps telling everyone that their problems with the apes are their 
own because he as soon as he finds a way out, he is taking it.  
More negative imagery of the military.
 
     Human tribes gather from all around to see Mark, who has now 
let them believe they can fight against the apes.  After some 
prodding from the two women in his life, Mark finally agrees to 
lead the battle against the apes.
 
     A massive battle scene takes place.  Extras and minor cast 
are killed off, things are looking bad for the humans until... 
the chimp who Mark went looking for in the first place lands, 
summoned by the same beacon system Mark followed.  It lands, and 
the apes immediately take it as a sign of the Second Coming of 
the father of their race.  This is bound to piss off more than 
a few allegedly evolved humans in the South, who don't like their 
god being substituted with a monkey.
 
     To make a long story short, and not give much away, good 
triumphs, humans and apes will now live in peace and equality and 
Mark decides to take the chimp's ship and go back home.  Why?  
Well, he has to get away from all the beings who now see him as 
a hero, the women of two species who love him and the cushy 
government job he's likely to be offered as head ambassador of 
the Holy Land.  Mark, obviously, is not too bright.
 
     He eventually does get back to Earth though, and the movie 
ends with a twist that's only purpose is to set up the inveitable 
sequel.  Invevitable, that is, it the toys sell well.
 
     So what have we learned?
 
 1) People are equal, no matter what their race, creed, color or 
      species.
 2) Most of the people in command of the military are corrupt 
      and/or insane.
 3) Guns are bad, because they kill people.
 4) If you ever wind up trapped on a deserted planet, a hero 
      to millions and savior of two races, 
      with two women who are desperately in love with you (even 
      if one is a little hairy for your tastes) and you are given 
      a chance to leave the planet and go back to the life where 
      you are a schmuck with a crap job training chimps to die 
      in space... stay on the planet and introduce the idea of 
      menage a trois.  
 

 
'I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and 
causes me to tremble for the safety of my country ... corporations 
have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will 
follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong 
its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all 
wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed.' 
- Abraham Lincoln, letter to Col. William F. Elkins, 1864 

-Ranting Wacko

Jenna Update

This week's National Enquirer, the one with the cover about Condit's wife supposedly
attacking Chandra (which is posted online at National Enquirer),
has an even better story in their hardcopy, about Jenna & her adventures in LA.  It's 
even the centerfold!  Several pictures, too.

Quoting Cyndi Lauper, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".

Egg-stra, Egg-stra

(Damn Dirty Ape!)

Thursday, director Tim Burton threatened violence against DRUDGE 
REPORT editor Matt Drudge after he revealed how Burton turns president 
Abraham Lincoln into an Ape in his new movie, "Planet of The Apes".

"I'd like to take that hat of his and set it on fire on his head!" 
Burton said of Drudge.

Burton also declared Drudge is why the "earth is doomed". 

To read more about the boys and their hissy fit, visit Egg-stra 1

If you're not shaking your head yet, Egg-stra 2

Fun Link

'Disney Family' Shakedown

     Bakeries, car dealerships, balloon vendors and other businesses that 
supply the Disneyland Resorts were recently sent a letter asking them to buy 
season's tickets to Mighty Ducks games, warning that unless attendance picks up, 
''the long-term impact will reach far beyond the Mighty Ducks and have negative 
consequences for all of us.''

     Included with the letter was an order form for season tickets at up to 
$3,307.50 per seat.

     ''What exactly are they trying to say?'' asked Marty Colleary, a Villa 
Park, Calif., baker who has sold cakes in the past to Disneyland. Here's a 
billion-dollar company that can't get people to watch their sorry hockey team, 
so they're bullying everybody into buying tickets.  It stinks.''

     ''We basically just wanted to cast the net wider, to reach more potential 
supporters'' said Anaheim Sports spokesman Tim Mead. ''We're part of a bigger 
family here and we tried to utilize it. That's all.''

     Attendance at Ducks games has dropped 21 percent over the past four years.

Can you say bully?

Reader Comment

Just a question about our favorite gun-toting rethuglican guitiarist, Mr Humble, 
Ted Nugent. Now, while I like the neadrathal's music (in small doses), I wish he'd 
keep his big mouth shut. But that's neither here or there. On to my question.
I recently saw Ted's bio on VH1 a while back and something started nagging at me. 
I couldn't quite put my finger on it, and it's been bugging me for a while now. 
Then suddenly it hit me! Uncle Ted is an admitted pedophile! 
Yes, you heard me right, he admitted on camera that he got the parents of an 17 
(or was she 16?) year old Hawaiian girl to sign over to him legal guardianship 
so she could go on tour with him!!! And since Mr. Motormouth also admitted to 
being a sexual preditor while on tour, it isn't a far leap in logic to assume 
that he was taking advantage of an underage girl! And this asshole has the balls 
to shoot his mouth off every chance he gets about the Democrats?!?! Mr. NRA, 
Mr. I-eat-what-I-kill, The close personal friend of George Gordon My-sworn-oath-
to-God-and-my-country-mean-nothing-if-it-stands-in-the-way-of-electing-a-rethuglican 
Liddy. The GOFP's rock and roll poster boy. 
A PEDOPHILE!!!
Now to my question; 
Is Ted going to be playing at the next Rethuglican get together when they renominate 
the Smirking Chimp?
And what does that say about their so-called 'family values'?
Sorry about the spelling, but I think I got my point across.

   

Good point, Spacetoad.  Maybe he was just trying to be more like Elvis, back when he
had the 16 year-old Priscilla move in?


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Boy Scouting In Utah



(At Least They're Morally Pure)


Three Boy Scouts dug out chunks of a 190 million-year-old set of dinosaur tracks 
and threw the rocks into a reservoir, irreparably damaging the prehistoric find, 
a park ranger said.

The vandalism occurred during a Scout troop's outing at Red Fleet State Park in 
eastern Utah last week. About 300 dinosaur tracks are preserved in beds of sandstone 
at the park near Vernal.

Kay Godfrey, information officer for Great Salt Lake Council of the Boy Scouts of 
America, said the Scouts take responsibility for the incident and may review their 
policies to avoid vandalism in the future.

''This reflects a disregard for the principles that Scouting promotes,'' Godfrey said.

BS-er-A


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Rosie's Replacement Named


Bubbly comic Caroline Rhea said Friday she will take over Rosie O'Donnell's talk show 
when she retires from the program next year.

Rhea, a ''Hollywood Squares'' regular and co-star of ''Sabrina, the Teenage Witch,'' 
will continue appearing on the program as a guest host for several months before taking 
control of the show in mid-2002.

Caroline Rhea


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Another Deadbeat Dad



Republican Family Values In Action



New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani was ordered by a judge Thursday to pay his estranged wife, 
Donna Hanover, temporary child support for their two children.

In a 14-page decision, Acting Manhattan Judge Judith Gische directed the mayor to pay Hanover 
$1,800 a month for the couple's two children, Andrew, 15, and Caroline, 11.

The judge ordered that the award be retroactive to May 1 and that Giuliani pay the arrears 
at the rate of $500 a month over and above the regular child support until they are fully paid.


``The mayor has paid no child support. He had to be compelled to do so by court order.''

The brash, tough-talking mayor announced a year ago that he was seeking a separation from Hanover 
and that his friend Judith Nathan had become increasingly important to him as he battled prostate 
cancer.

To read the whole, sordid story, Rude Rudy


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Fun Link


"The Astounding B Monster"


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Reader Suggestion



G. T.

Don't know if it necessarily fits in with what you're doing at BC but it does pertain to 
reading material and might be useful to anyone with questions about the separation of 
church and state. A very good article can be found at 
EarlyAmerica. 
I've noticed that this site can sometimes have difficulties but if you'll type 
"Treaty of Tripoli" in the search box, you should find it. The "Little-Known U.S. Document 
from Early American Review, Summer 1997" is the one I'm referring to. It leaves little 
doubt as to the intentions of the founding fathers and how far we've strayed with the 
"Faith Based Initiatives" proposed by our present idiot in chief.

One of the profiles in this piece is of Thomas Paine and if any readers aren't familiar 
with his "Age of Reason", it can be found in it's entirety at 
digital.library.  Just select 
authors and type in "Paine" or the title etc. I understand that these aren't really 
contemporary subjects but they are ageless in their wisdom. When one reads them and 
considers what our government is presently considering, it seems as if we're going 
backwards. 

GT


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MTV Unplugging, Again



R.E.M Scheduled



The cable music network is bringing back the “Unplugged” series, in which artists perform acoustic 
versions of their hits in front of a studio audience. 

The new shows are scheduled to begin airing at 8 p.m. ET Aug. 9 on MTV2, starting with R.E.M. 
Future episodes will feature Lauryn Hill, Staind and Shakira.

Once the shows have aired on MTV2, they will rerun on MTV, the network announced Saturday. 

MTV Unplugged


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The pResidents Vacation



Cow Talk, Or All Bull?


It's not just world leaders, lawmakers and trusted advisers who have the president's ear. So do the 
cows.  President Bush said he catches up with them when he's at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. He 
plans to spend the bulk of August there, vacationing with first lady Laura Bush.

''A fellow runs some cows on our country. I love to go walking out there, seeing the cows. 
Occasionally they talk to me -- being the good listener that I am,'' the president said Friday to 
a round of laughter. He was addressing the Future Farmers of America.

Bush, who owns two dogs, didn't say whether he talks back to the cows. Nor whether they offer 
any presidential advice.

Yee Haw



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Do you have a great album no one's heard? 
How about a favorite TV show, movie, book, play, cartoon, or legal amusement?  
A popular artist that just plain pisses you off (Britny and N'Sync don't count, 
they piss off EVERYONE)? 
A box set the whole world should own? 
Vile, filthy rumors about Republican musicians?
Just plain vile, filthy rumors? 
A picture of yourself clad only in panties and sitting on Burt Reynolds' lap? 
This is your place.

Send it to this Marty

Don't send it to BC....

Or send it to this Marty


Do NOT send it to BC!
Thank you.



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